22

I always like to reflect on what I've learned from the things I've been through in the past year right before my birthday.
This year I could write a book about it.
I won't thought. I don't need to go through it again.
No one should ever have to experience that.

I try not to dwell though.
I really don't these days.
I'm moving forward.
It's a slow process.

I'm so thankful to have all the people in my life lately (who know everything).
I honestly have the best girl friends in the world and I love them so so so much.
And my boys, oh my boys, who have been there for me in a way that even the girls have struggled with.
And of course my family, for whom, I'm sure, this was hardest on (after myself). My dad said having a child is  kind of like having your heart walking around in public completely vulnerable. I can't imagine how tough it must be to watch and let life happen. Not looking forward to that part of parenthood.

I'm not sure what to expect from 22.

• Some heartache of the man variety might be nice, although I'd much rather something work out of course. The reason I say this is because I'd like to have the chance to stick it out instead of running away (physically disappearing or pretending to be a super boring person so the other person leaves first) even if I get my heart broken.

• More creativity within the worlds of music and art. Brandon and I are starting a band. I'm incredibly nervous, but psyched at the same time. I need to make more time for my creativity.

• The birth of my friend's baby/Guess who's throwing the baby shower?! Me!

• Other unexpected surprises both good and bad. I think I'm up to the challenge either way.

Direction

One year ago today (it was actually a Wednesday), my life changed direction drastically. I didn't know it back then, but I knew he was special from the moment I saw him leaning against his motorcycle. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a romantic gesture.
This is an appreciation to one of the most amazing people I've ever met who positively influenced my life and reminded me that ultimately I'm the only one who can figure out what is best for me and what path I should follow.
The past 14 months have been the hardest of my entire life, but I was able to survive, and work toward having the life I want, because I experienced the strength of his own mentality.
I think I might have shattered otherwise.
I'm not fine, but I'm getting there and I'm following the path that I know is right for me (at least for right now. I know the definition of right could change at any time).

So, thank you B.
Sometime soon when I have more time I will thank you personally.

Maternal Instinct

There is nothing stronger than maternal instinct.
It's a bond, that once formed, is almost impossible to break.
Once a mother, always a mother.

Confidence

Confidence is strength and power and beauty

Heart and Soul

If you don't have a heart, how can you have a soul?

I've been wondering.

I thought I lost my heart on June 6th and thereby my soul as well. I just couldn't bring myself to care about or love anyone else.

Turns out it was hiding in the same place it's been for a year and a half.

I have a soul. Yay!

Time to move forward.

Onward

Some one recently remarked on how little I write here anymore.
It's true.
It's not that I don't have anything to say.
I have a lot to say, but it all revolves around a controversial issue that I'm not willing to be an internet martyr for.
I just don't really care about other opinions on the subject, especially those who know nothing about it, and there are a lot people who think they do, but really don't.
I don't have time for such things.
I'm just trying to live my life.

Speaking of which, my friend commented on how I'm mentally 34 these days.
I feel it.
The past year has been a succession of battles that have left me feeling worn.
It's not a bad thing though.
I'm stronger now.
I'm a hell of a lot wiser too.

I don't regret any choices I've made, because it all led here.
Well I semi regret the choice I made on June 6th, but nothing else.
I do regret hurting various people along the way.

I can't change the past.
I can decide to make the present and future what I want it to be though.
That's what I'm working on.

December 17

Think of the most terrifying, topsy turvy, gravity defying roller coaster and multiply it by 20...maybe 30.

That's been my life since Thursday, May 26; really since the night before.
It all became reality on Thursday morning though.

I've been on a roller coaster ride from hell ever since. It just keeps getting crazier; sudden drops leave me feeling sick and the adrenaline expended leaves me exhausted. There have been high moments, low moments and moments where the ride leveled out. It seems like a lot of work for a roller coaster ride, and I feel like I've done all of it for nothing. I won't get to see how it ends. Not yet anyway. Sometime within the next 10 years I'll get a chance to finish it, but I'll have to start for the beginning.

I'll be ready next time I hope...or as ready as I can be; I mean how ready can you be for a hellish roller coaster? It's been a test for sure. Love, support and a loyal dog have gotten me through this round.

Having to trust someone completely beside my parents, trusting him to help me, trusting him enough to tell him my deepest feelings, insecurities and thoughts and then trusting him to stay no matter how ugly it got...well it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Has he been perfect? Not even close. Could he have done a lot better? Hell yes, but we're both doing the best we can and learning as we go.
I'm only this hard on my parents, and that's because you expect the best from the best, or I do anyway. So I've raised my expectations of him and he's done a very good job of trying to meet them. I hope I still feel the way I feel now about him after this is over.

The most amazing thing (second most amazing actually) is that I realized my birth mother really did love me. That's a huge life changing realization, because until now my relationships have been affected by me thinking she abandoned me and didn't care. She did what was best for me.

Also aliens aren't so scary anymore.

I wish I could have said everything as it is, but I can't.

I'll leave you with a date to ponder. December 17th.