There is nothing stronger than maternal instinct.
It's a bond, that once formed, is almost impossible to break.
Once a mother, always a mother.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Heart and Soul
If you don't have a heart, how can you have a soul?
I've been wondering.
I thought I lost my heart on June 6th and thereby my soul as well. I just couldn't bring myself to care about or love anyone else.
Turns out it was hiding in the same place it's been for a year and a half.
I have a soul. Yay!
Time to move forward.Friday, July 22, 2011
Onward
Some one recently remarked on how little I write here anymore.
It's true.
It's not that I don't have anything to say.
I have a lot to say, but it all revolves around a controversial issue that I'm not willing to be an internet martyr for.
I just don't really care about other opinions on the subject, especially those who know nothing about it, and there are a lot people who think they do, but really don't.
I don't have time for such things.
I'm just trying to live my life.
Speaking of which, my friend commented on how I'm mentally 34 these days.
I feel it.
The past year has been a succession of battles that have left me feeling worn.
It's not a bad thing though.
I'm stronger now.
I'm a hell of a lot wiser too.
I don't regret any choices I've made, because it all led here.
Well I semi regret the choice I made on June 6th, but nothing else.
I do regret hurting various people along the way.
I can't change the past.
I can decide to make the present and future what I want it to be though.
That's what I'm working on.
It's true.
It's not that I don't have anything to say.
I have a lot to say, but it all revolves around a controversial issue that I'm not willing to be an internet martyr for.
I just don't really care about other opinions on the subject, especially those who know nothing about it, and there are a lot people who think they do, but really don't.
I don't have time for such things.
I'm just trying to live my life.
Speaking of which, my friend commented on how I'm mentally 34 these days.
I feel it.
The past year has been a succession of battles that have left me feeling worn.
It's not a bad thing though.
I'm stronger now.
I'm a hell of a lot wiser too.
I don't regret any choices I've made, because it all led here.
Well I semi regret the choice I made on June 6th, but nothing else.
I do regret hurting various people along the way.
I can't change the past.
I can decide to make the present and future what I want it to be though.
That's what I'm working on.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
December 17
Think of the most terrifying, topsy turvy, gravity defying roller coaster and multiply it by 20...maybe 30.
That's been my life since Thursday, May 26; really since the night before.
It all became reality on Thursday morning though.
I've been on a roller coaster ride from hell ever since. It just keeps getting crazier; sudden drops leave me feeling sick and the adrenaline expended leaves me exhausted. There have been high moments, low moments and moments where the ride leveled out. It seems like a lot of work for a roller coaster ride, and I feel like I've done all of it for nothing. I won't get to see how it ends. Not yet anyway. Sometime within the next 10 years I'll get a chance to finish it, but I'll have to start for the beginning.
I'll be ready next time I hope...or as ready as I can be; I mean how ready can you be for a hellish roller coaster? It's been a test for sure. Love, support and a loyal dog have gotten me through this round.
Having to trust someone completely beside my parents, trusting him to help me, trusting him enough to tell him my deepest feelings, insecurities and thoughts and then trusting him to stay no matter how ugly it got...well it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Has he been perfect? Not even close. Could he have done a lot better? Hell yes, but we're both doing the best we can and learning as we go.
I'm only this hard on my parents, and that's because you expect the best from the best, or I do anyway. So I've raised my expectations of him and he's done a very good job of trying to meet them. I hope I still feel the way I feel now about him after this is over.
The most amazing thing (second most amazing actually) is that I realized my birth mother really did love me. That's a huge life changing realization, because until now my relationships have been affected by me thinking she abandoned me and didn't care. She did what was best for me.
Also aliens aren't so scary anymore.
I wish I could have said everything as it is, but I can't.
I'll leave you with a date to ponder. December 17th.
That's been my life since Thursday, May 26; really since the night before.
It all became reality on Thursday morning though.
I've been on a roller coaster ride from hell ever since. It just keeps getting crazier; sudden drops leave me feeling sick and the adrenaline expended leaves me exhausted. There have been high moments, low moments and moments where the ride leveled out. It seems like a lot of work for a roller coaster ride, and I feel like I've done all of it for nothing. I won't get to see how it ends. Not yet anyway. Sometime within the next 10 years I'll get a chance to finish it, but I'll have to start for the beginning.
I'll be ready next time I hope...or as ready as I can be; I mean how ready can you be for a hellish roller coaster? It's been a test for sure. Love, support and a loyal dog have gotten me through this round.
Having to trust someone completely beside my parents, trusting him to help me, trusting him enough to tell him my deepest feelings, insecurities and thoughts and then trusting him to stay no matter how ugly it got...well it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Has he been perfect? Not even close. Could he have done a lot better? Hell yes, but we're both doing the best we can and learning as we go.
I'm only this hard on my parents, and that's because you expect the best from the best, or I do anyway. So I've raised my expectations of him and he's done a very good job of trying to meet them. I hope I still feel the way I feel now about him after this is over.
The most amazing thing (second most amazing actually) is that I realized my birth mother really did love me. That's a huge life changing realization, because until now my relationships have been affected by me thinking she abandoned me and didn't care. She did what was best for me.
Also aliens aren't so scary anymore.
I wish I could have said everything as it is, but I can't.
I'll leave you with a date to ponder. December 17th.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Muse
I have a muse.
He's not my inspiration (I inspire myself), but he takes my passion for my own creativity to another level.
I'm really sad that he's going to be so far for 9 weeks, because I felt like we were making some progress; hanging out and having those conversation about how we live our lives.
I don't know what else to say, but I'm going to miss him.
He's not my inspiration (I inspire myself), but he takes my passion for my own creativity to another level.
I'm really sad that he's going to be so far for 9 weeks, because I felt like we were making some progress; hanging out and having those conversation about how we live our lives.
I don't know what else to say, but I'm going to miss him.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Hey There Stranger
I know it's been awhile.
I've been living life the way I want to and enjoying it.
Unfortunately I feel a little too judged by people who shouldn't be so judgmental, so I don't share as much as I used to.
Occasionally it makes me sad and a little angry, but mostly disappointed, because friends and family are not there to judge, but to accept and love unconditionally.
I've taken 2 big steps forward.
1. (and most importantly) I have applied to MECA
2. (because men are less central these days) I have begun to open up to the Photographer about my adoption and my feelings about it. He's the man I trust most who isn't family. I give him a hard time, but he's one of the people I respect and care about the most. He's an inspiration to my creativity in both writing and photography.
But the real reason I made this blog entry is because I just found a few poems in my Writing folder. I don't really remember writing them, so when I read them, it was like reading someone else's writing for the first time. I was amazed and the beauty of the words and lines and overall picture. Some are sad, but all are beautifully written. I'll post the only one that is finished tomorrow.
I've been living life the way I want to and enjoying it.
Unfortunately I feel a little too judged by people who shouldn't be so judgmental, so I don't share as much as I used to.
Occasionally it makes me sad and a little angry, but mostly disappointed, because friends and family are not there to judge, but to accept and love unconditionally.
I've taken 2 big steps forward.
1. (and most importantly) I have applied to MECA
2. (because men are less central these days) I have begun to open up to the Photographer about my adoption and my feelings about it. He's the man I trust most who isn't family. I give him a hard time, but he's one of the people I respect and care about the most. He's an inspiration to my creativity in both writing and photography.
But the real reason I made this blog entry is because I just found a few poems in my Writing folder. I don't really remember writing them, so when I read them, it was like reading someone else's writing for the first time. I was amazed and the beauty of the words and lines and overall picture. Some are sad, but all are beautifully written. I'll post the only one that is finished tomorrow.
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