Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Cinco De Mayo

Today will be great. It's a good day to be brown. It's our equivalent of St. Patrick's Day. So this morning I put my latino playlist together. I've been listening to Daddy Yankee's new album all week anyway, but it takes a lot of energy to drive around with the windows done and the music cranked up.

Recently I've realized how much racism affects my everyday life. I realized that "forgetting" I'm brown is my way of coping with it. If I'm not brown, then there's nothing to see. It's not true though.

On monday I was in a group of people, and after someone mentioned the people of color support group (a group for those of us who are non white to deal with the racism we face every day), said racism didn't really exist anymore because her son went to a college in Canada and didn't see it. I wanted to punch her in the face so hard and start crying, but I didn't. I made myself small and quiet. I left with a headache and didn't get to work on that experience until last night.

What is wrong with that conclusion? 1. It's a white person saying that who goes to school in CANADA. How the hell would they know whether racism exists anymore or not? They are the majority. Not to mention that racism is so ingrained in this society now that it happens on a subconscious level. Yes there has been progress, but it's still a huge problem. It's just less visible. No more hosing people of color; a lot more derogatory terms in every day speech.

Now don't get me wrong, I love love love my white friends, but even they are racist to some point, as as all people of colored, I too am racist in return. It's in all of us, but the more we work on awareness and change the less it will exist in all of us. I have the resources to work on it constantly too, which is great. When it comes to friend though, I never say anything when they say something racist. Maybe I should...

So in conclusion, I love all of my white and colored friends. We're all racism, but we can begin working on it. It's something I experience everyday and it's really scary. It's scary just to drive in my car with the windows down and latino music cranked up. So yes it exists. I just wanted you, who read this blog, to be aware on this day of brown celebration.

Now go celebrate!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Ready Or Not

This past week has been pretty interesting I guess. I saw Luke a week ago and hung with him all day. That was the highlight of the 5 day week. Then I spent the weekend with Kat and that was awesome too. So much fun to just break away and go on a little road trip (Two young Peruvian women journey to Boston...). That would be the way a movie would start out.

Today was great. I was feeling good when I woke up. Right before my first class I started feeling insecure because I wasn't sure if Luke would call or not. Then I found out I got a great grade on my English exam. I almost fainted (really!). That's the hardest class I've ever taken. I was flying high for the rest of the afternoon. Then Luke informed me that he couldn't meet me for a very legitimate reason. I got work done and went to meet Emma for ice cream. That was enjoyable. I sat in the sun and she sat in the shade.

But what really made my day even more was seeing TJ at the mall. I went to have my hair done today (it looks great!) and as my hair stylist was putting the bleach in and wrapping it in tinfoil, I saw him walk into JC Penney's. I didn't have my phone, so I decided that if he walked about into the mall I would run to my phone and text him. My brain went something like this: Please please please come back!
And he did. So I ran to get my phone. A few minutes later I was moved to the dryer and he walked in. We talked and caught up on each other's lives since last year at Hofstra a little. We lived on the same floor last year and he lives in Windham. He's one of my favorite people. Before he left I said we should catch up sometime later and he agreed.

Then I guess I was smiling like an idiot because my hair stylist commented on it. She said "you're smiling pretty happily? how do you know him?" So I went into a short version of how I had a crush on him at Hofstra, but I ended up dating one of his roommates instead. She said "that's okay. it happens. My husband originally dated my best friend and I dated hers, but it ended up the way it was supposed to. I'm sure you have a chance too."

To which I was like, wait what? um hold on a second. I told her I did have a crush on him, but there was this other guy who I...like a lot lot more. I don't know what you would classify us as though. And more stuff that I probably shouldn't disclose to the public because what's said between you and your hair stylist, stays between you and your hair stylist. In some odd way TJ reminds me of Luke, but TJ is way nicer to me and would have plenty of time to hang out. I guess that's the difference between friends and whatever Luke and I are.

Also I've been pleasantly surprised by Luke within the last week. It is just me or is he making more of an effort and being a little less ambiguous? I've been in shock over little things he's said (in a good way). One thing is for sure, I will not spend this summer like last. I will not let myself drown in the gray area only to worry that he's sleeping around or doesn't really care.

Okay really tired. Brain is shutting down.


"Take your chance boy ready or not"

Monday, May 3, 2010

Fundamentals of RC

The classes start tonight. Technically we were all supposed to think of people to introduce. I thought of 2, but I'm not quite sure how to go about asking one of them...the other has something important tonight so I didn't even mention it.

Counseling get a bad rep in this society. Somehow it's bad to get help when you need it and somehow it's all about you sitting and talking about problems to a therapist. Being in counseling means you have problems.

That's not all of it though. RC is more about being clear minded about whatever you want. No one tells you what to do. The other person listens intently though, without judgment and it's all in your hands.

more later perhaps...

Summer Time

Last night it came to my attention that its almost Summer when a friend sent me a text about it. I was excited and then had a very small anxiety attack before crying myself to sleep. I haven't cried myself to sleep in a long time, which personally, I think is a great achievement considering...

I don't want to go into great detail about why summer makes me anxious, but I think you all can probably guess and for those who hung out with me last summer, you definitely know. Basically it's not a good time to be in the "gray area."

However, I do love summer when I'm not glaring at couples at the beach or on the street. My 'flete family starts coming home soon (Jared and Kat come back this week!!!) and Hallie is staying for most of the summer. Yay! Emma and I are going to plot fun, man-free activities...and/or activities that allow us to complain about them :)

I love going to the beach, getting tan (the natural way), hanging with friends, making more money, going to Canada, and this summer i'm especially excited to take Luca everywhere.

So today I feel much better. Along with getting papers done in place of exams, I have another goal in mind too...Piece of mind is important.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Hum

Well I just wrote a long blog entry, but I erased it.
I'm just going to be straight up (as much as is possible).

Sometimes I feel inadequate. Only in one aspect of my life though.

You can't keep a person in the gray area forever.

Are things getting better or is it just my optimism again?

I guess I should actually start being straight forward.

Libra Woman, Part 1

Libra woman is the zodiac’s activist: The most principled person on the astrological wheel, she can’t separate herself from the aerial convictions. To her, the world requires a redesign, as it lacks the very ideals that she most urgently seeks to project. If she perceives a wrong, she must strive to right I; the realm of human justice is her special domain.

She possesses a powerful mind, a finely tuned faculty that is eclipsed only by her especial brand of ethereal beauty. Of all women, Libra is most comely and fair-rarely one ever to be labeled sultry or, even, overtly sexy-but on this score, and many others, Libra’s looks can be deceiving. Prized for her demure charms, she may risk being objectified as ornamentation, classy arm candy used by men for their own validation or as a means of impressing others.

Meanwhile, her own agenda in love is to fall in with a true friend and equal, a liberal freethinker who shares her infamous love of the arts and all things aesthetic, as well as her often radical political views and eqalitarian visions. She is unconventional in relationships, amenable to casual sex with a like mind, and leery, in fact, of legal, long-term bonds. When she does commit to a man, she demands total fidelity: Hell hath no fury like the lady Libra scorned.

Sign & Mind
The planet Venus rules Libra...this celestial sphere is focused on the mental and social (air-sign) plane as opposed to the material (earth-sign) strata of existence....the Libran woman is most concerned with the exquisite ideas-high concepts and philosophical ideals...

the astral Venus-Aphrodite herself is the heavenly patroness rightly assigned to Libra woman. The goddess of beauty, grace, and charm whose namesake planet represents the universal principles of union, balance, and harmony...Libra woman sees the world as a system of inherently divine order, a unified environment rules by the cosmic law of cause and effect, wherein justice will, and indeed must, be done.

In Libyan mythology it is the goddess Libera (Greek: Astroarche; Roman: Astraea), the Lady of the Scales, who enacts the equalizing effects of karma in the universe. And, anybody intimately acquainted with a Libra woman would readily agree that, when she walks into a room, one can’t help but think: Here comes the judge. Indeed, one would be hard-pressed to pinpoint a more unequivocal individual, one who is ironically narrow minded in even her most liberal ideologies, dogmatic in the expression of her loftiest principles.

In her defense Libra’s intentions are typically for the democratic good, at least as she perceives it. Strictly speaking, no matter how tough a form or manner her proclamations take, this sharp-witted daughter of Venus acts out of love, albeit not as personal expression but rather as a universal prescript.

In symbolic terms, it is the Libra woman’s birthright to better the world... Appreciating every situation she’s faced with, and then taking the proper course of action-or making swift and, arguably, appropriate judgments or actions in response-is the way she leads her life...This is the Libra in a nutshell-a walking-talking dispenser of karmic retaliation, whether in the form of reward (grace) or vengeance (fury)...

Like a mother observing, and then weighing, the strengths and weaknesses of her growing children, Libra assigns everyone she meets a purpose, particularly those individuals who might be of service to her. Still, she sees others in their best light-so much so that one is often hard-pressed to live up to her expectations. She may sometimes miss the mark, prejudging rashly, over- or under-estimating one’s talents or, one of her most notable flaws, failing to sniff out self-serving hidden agendas. So preoccupied is Libra with grand conceits, putting her beautiful all-seeing notions and ideals “out there” that she can be oblivious to the intricacies of life looming just under her nose.

In simple terms, Libra possesses such outsized conviction in her infamous ideals that she realizes them into being. In fact, it is a force of which she must take conscious rein, for even her slightest whims have a way of taking root, such is the power of even a suggestion of her will.she rarely wastes time or brainpower on interests or causes that may never yield her desired effects. She designs her life and is never one to sit idly by and passively go with the flow. She know and let this be a lesson to all of us-that in order to get what you want in life, you must behave as if you already have it.

Though Libra has no designs on dominating a mate, never wanting more or less than a fifty-fifty union, she can’t help but come across as seemingly “above” most men.For her, men generally fall into two, or hopefully three, categories: those who are attracted to her exhalted stature, albeit all to often for their own selfish gain; those who might get a thrill from toppling Libra from her pedestal, convinced that “playing on the ground” is what she really needs; and the odd fellow who, being similarly self-esteemed, makes in her perfect match.

Rewinding back to Libra’s childhood, we see the seeds of her self-righteousness already taking root. In general, a girl born under the sign of the Scales has either an idyllic childhood characterized by the presence of lovingly detached parents, both of whom dote their every whim, or, and this is far more typical, she is the product of divorce. In the first scenario, Libra bears witness to a model marriage, one that allows her parents separate but equal power in the relationship as well as influence over their child’s upbringing- Libra girl is almost always the offspring of two strong-willed individualists. Her parents are generally extroverted, liberal, career-minded types who treat the Libra child as their equal. In such case, Libra is indulged, considered the perfect child and continually given the impression that she can do no wrong. Instilled with so much confidence, the lucky little Libra born under Venus...thus expects her charmed life to continue indefinitely (ugh it's true).

Red = Very True
( ) = My comments

Source: http://community.livejournal.com/librans/53079.html

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Noho

Short for Northampton. Finally arrived. Kat and I decided to go to a movie. We went to see How To Train A Dragon in 3D. I'd already seen it once, but not in 3D and I wanted to see it again. Again, found myself crying. The first part I cried during was when Toothless sat down. He had a lot of the same mannerisms as Luca who pretty much owns my heart. He's the sweetest thing in the world. So I miss him, but I can still have a good time away from him. At the end during the scene where he wakes up the Hiccup, it reminds me of how Luca wakes me up every morning. He grunts and nudges me; first my face, then he basically punches me in the stomach with his nose (he hasn't learned how strong he is yet).

I can't believe he's 11 months now and I got him when he was 6 months. He's 65.3 pounds and I love every bit of him. I could talk about him forever...

Tomorrow is the big game. I'm excited. It'll be fun to go with Kat. We painted our nails black and yellow tonight and wearing all yellow and black tomorrow obviously. It's gonna be awesome (waking up at 8 not so much).

I'm sorry if I've been short with anyone this week. I feel like pretty much everyone backed out on something this week (except Luke (ironic, no?)). So I had to get away and a Peruvian weekend seemed perfect. Might go back tomorrow evening if I'm not too tired and someone is 100% sure he's up to seeing me. If I'm tired, I won't do it though and if he's not 100% sure then I won't do it either.

I miss that kid. Not in a strong craving way, but in a relaxing 'it would be nice to be near him' way.

Exhausted. Good night all.