Coffee Buzz

I shouldn't have had 2 cups of coffee tonight. I'm paying for it. Tired but can't sleep. I'm really anxious about Luke. I'm afraid he's gonna do that guy thing where he just disappears because he can't deal with his feelings or mine. I like him a lot. a lot a lot. It would kill if he just ran away like that. I need another session now. Not sure if I can wait until Friday. I need to concentrate on finals so badly though. I can't relax until 4 PM tomorrow. Need to sleep.

Dense Man

So I'm very annoyed with this paper right now. It's basically a much longer redraft of an essay I wrote earlier this semester about Kipling's story "They." I could have literally written it in 2 sentences. 'Things are not always as they seem and dense forest = confused man. Go read the story and you'll understand.' However, I think my professor would fail me if I turned that in. On my facebook status I added "(minus forest = confused)" after dense forest = confused man. Then you get Dense Man. Okay I'm a tiny bit bitter about men right now. I know it takes time to figure this out, but I'm just so ready to move past it. I feel like I'm mentally tapping my foot and saying okay already, all you (Luke) have to say is "I like you and I'll commit you alone and everything else will stay the way it is for now." This isn't a phone plan. I'm not asking him to sign a contract for the next 2 years. So just say it!

That was just a little rant. In reality one has to have attention to really think about it. Luckily I have RC as a resource for that. Meanwhile Luke is preoccupied with work and finals and I am sooooo busy with finals. My brain has no more space until Hallie and my road trip Thursday to Keene. Can't wait!

Also excited for fundamentals class tonight because I'm bringing a friend and I think she'll like it. :)

The Calm Before The Storm

Today I was in a pretty bad mood until I took a nap around 6 PM. Until then I was worried about the whole new Luke situation. When I woke up I was fine though. I talked to Beans and Jared this evening. Beans and I had yet another argument about whether or not Luke is a "good" guy. At least Jared agrees with me. The only thing that kind of stung was when I told Jared that Beans girlfriend would probably visit and he said "DOUBLE DATE." I got a little defensive I guess. My two best guy friends who are basically my brothers have girlfriends, while I am in the gray area with the greatest guy in the world (in my opinion anyway). Gr!

I am adequate. I'm great. I'm not the kind of woman who requires all of her guy's time. I have my own life. I just want him to admit, to say the words, to tell me he likes me and to commit to me alone. Luke should realize this. I'm not asking him to think about the future.

I guess I don't want to think about the fact that there is a possibility that he'll say no. What I'm offering is completely reasonable though. I thought thoroughly about what he needs and can do as well as what I need and can do. I think it's good.

Right now though, I'm calm. It's bed time and I'm going to sleep peacefully tonight.

Don't Stress

I went to bed last night not knowing if I was so exhausted from my week or if it was emotional exhaustion. I had hoped it was from my week. I'm still leaning in that direction. I've been unusually calm about this who new 'I'm going to tell Luke and straighten this out' thing. I feel somewhat relaxed about it....but also I feel anxious. The weight has been lifted off my own shoulders and put on his. I'm sorry to have to add more for him to think about, but I can't go through this summer like last. Things have changed since then, and I think he needs to acknowledge that.

So I woke up at 4:45 AM. I'd been tossing and turning all night. I was too hot under my covers, but I don't like to sleep without even when it's really hot. My dream was basically about saving this secret village from some sort of gang who wanted to take over the mountain on which they lived and mine there. Then there was this specific guy from the village...Anyway when I finally woke up, I realized it was mostly about the stress. It was the same exactly feeling that I have while I'm waiting for him to think it over.

At least I finally did it. Pretty fuckin proud of myself.

Also proud of my new bathing suit and how great it looks on me! Couldn't have worn it last year. Alas I won't be anywhere warm to wear it properly, but I'm sure I'll get good use out of it this summer.

It's now 5:35 and I'm going back to bed...

Honesty

Today I finally told Luke what has been bothering me for so long. I left there very proud of myself for asking about this summer and about him and me. He said he couldn't look that far ahead. I get that. I wasn't asking for that. He said he would be busy working etc. I never said I needed more time. I did think before that some of it, for him, was that he thought I wanted more time from him. That's not it. Yes I love being with him, but I'll take whatever I can get and I have my own life as it is.

But I want him to be part of it. Like he has been. Of course I like it best when I get to see him once a week. Thus far that has only happened twice in a row. I talked things out earlier today with a friend and realized there are 3 things that I want and there's something I should have just said earlier. Telling people I like them, even best friends and family, can be difficult for me. Then there's the fact that in my head I'm more affectionate than I actually am in real life and I end up thinking they know. I only wish I could have told him sooner.

So I like him...a whole fucking lot and I don't want another guy right now, but I can't handle not being the only woman. Sometimes I look at him and he says, "what?" I could never tell him that I like him, but I'm done being afraid. It's such a relief. Last but not least, I want to know how he feels about me. I think it's only fair. I think I'm worth it.

Reflection: Cinco De Mayo

Learned a couple of things.
1. Drinking at the same rate and quantityas your brown friends who are male is NOT a good idea
2. It's not 1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor. It's 1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, 4 tequila, floor.
3. I shouldn't have let someone leave last night because a. I needed help and b. because I'm not sure if he read my diary or not, but I freaked out anyway in the event that he knew more about how I feel than I want him to? c. he talked about friends in wars and apparently my subconscious told me I don't want to go more than I thought
4. Apparently being in that condition doesn't change the way I feel about him, just how much I show.
5. Somehow I woke up without a hangover. Thank you birth mother?
6. Things need to be cleared up even more now. No more gray area?
7. Katya time is definitely needed tonight.
8. I hate that phrase: "It just happened"

Sin Nombre

I finally watched it. I've been wanting to for quite a while now. Not a good movie to watch on a day when you're supposed to be happy and celebrating, but it was really moving.

I guess my final reaction was: why do men always have to go off to join gangs and go to war and leave women behind to feel so fucking helpless and sad. Sure it's often because they don't see any other future for themselves or have very limited option, but it's not fucking fair.