Speechless

Another friend is engaged (Gannon). I'm in shock again.

I was attempting to deal with the fact that Luke is coming home and I have to deal with all of that now,
I'm incredibly happy for her
but this...

it's too much. Overload.

My female brain that says 'uh oh. you're getting behind. you're failing as a woman' is repeating over and over and over.
To which my smart brain says, 'you shut your mouth. you're a great person and you're going to places. you aren't a house wife. you're not going to buy into this shit now are you?'
Then the female/sexist part of my brain responds: 'maybe you don't need it, but you want it. you want the whole damn thing. you want the career and the family. stop lying to yourself. after all what were you talking to Kelsey about today?'

Speaking of which, I had a very long and great conversation with Kelsey today. I explained my whole history with Luke (that took about an hour) and then caught her up on the current feelings/happenings (which took about another half hour). I was surprised to find she had some of the same ideas as me.

Ex. Beach wedding sans shoes, cute little babies, long long long long engagements can be good, some tattoos look good if they're placed right (most aren't though), perhaps not getting legally married because it's an institution designed to continue a patriarchal pattern and where the children are really here to continue the capitalist society and last but not least, boys night out is incredibly sexy.

Sorry that was just a little panic...Basically:

• I'm incredibly happy that another friend has found someone they care that deeply about
• I'm not sure how to feel about Luke coming back. It could mean good things or it could mean the end, but I don't want it to be the end
• I had a lovely day with Kelsey, which has been much needed for years
• I spent a fun evening with Kate, the Peruvian twins, and gave Joshua his bday present (which he almost opened until I reminded him that it's not his bday yet. Good job Joshua).
• If it doesn't work out with Luke, then I will be upset for a very long time and I will only date latinos if I date anyone at all.
• I can now go to bed with a clear head. Everything will be fine.

To be clear: I don't want all of this now...
Right now I want to have a good weekend.

Gambling

It occurred to me when I woke up this morning that I've been doing that; not with money, but with my heart and soul. It's been an exhilarating and painful journey. I put it all on one man hoping that eventually my feelings would be returned.

There's a possibility that they won't be, but that doesn't stop me from hoping still. Almost 6 years later, I'm still hoping.

I was thrilled that I finally put everything out on the table. A couple of times this week I found myself considering going over to his house if his mom was there and taking it back in case he hadn't opened it yet. I wondered things like: Is he really ready to know these things? Has he really grown up enough to respect my feelings and deal with them properly? Have I wasted a year on him? Have I wasted 5.5 years on him? Those thoughts only lasted a minute.

I'm still relieved though. Now that the vacation time (for both of us away from each other) is over, I'm starting to get nervous.

I have no idea what to expect. I have what's in my head (which cannot happen) and 3 possibilities of what could happen. I do have faith that he can handle the situation without freaking out and running around.

____

In the event that things do not go well, I have made some decision, which include only dating brown men or men who hang out with a lot of brown men.

I've also learned that I'm stronger than I ever knew.

And that I have a clearer picture of what I want for my future, but it's just a rough sketch.

____

Speaking of the future, last night Kate, Maddie and I hung out in Tommy's park talking about men, which led to a conversation about weddings (specifically Kate's). It was a pretty serious conversation until we started talking about rainbows, ice rinks and ass-less chaps for the groomsmen.

We even went to look at the display window of Eco Elegance. Kate fell in love with the dress. I fell in love with the dress that was displayed over the winter. It's kind of like you just know. That's the dress. Only it's not because I'm not getting married anytime soon and the dress has probably been sold.

We discussed weddings planners. Yes or no? She said no. I said yes, then changed to maybe. I'm not sure I want to have to deal with everything myself, but on the other hand I love planning and organizing things.

I could never really think about the details so far in advance though. It's a 2 person decision (or many decisions). All I know is that I'd like mine to be on a beach and for everyone to be shoeless.

But as you can see, I'm not anywhere near that point. For now I will store that information in a beautifully decorated jewelry box in my mind where I keep all of my secret wishes. It's a lot lighter now that everything is on the table with Luke.

Busy Busy Dizzy

It occured to me recently that I've been going nonstop all summer. I'm always somewhere doing something and I'm almost always exhausted. Maybe I should stop?

Iszy came to the same conclusion, but we both thought that we'd rather being doing stuff with friends than not doing anything. There's always something going on and I feel compelled to spend as much time with the people who are furthest away as I can. This week it has been all about Imani. I see her maybe once or twice a year and I miss her like crazy. She gets everything about me. She also keeps me in line in the same kind of way that Luke does and no one else dares to. For example, today we took her little sisters to OOB. It was good to spend so much time with her and with the kids. If anything it makes me want children all the more.

And next week is all about Carol. She will be back for the week before she goes back to school in VA and she won't be back until winter break after that.

Soo many plans. I can't keep them all in my head. Today I couldn't even remember what month it was. It seems like all of my friends are Cancer's too and I've been scrambling trying to remember when who's birthday is and trying to figure out what to get and if I even have money for that.

Tomorrow is another major hang out day. Oh...I just remembered that Kelsey suggested bubble tea 2 days ago for tomorrow. Wow I should respond to her text. So I guess there's Kelsey and Imani tomorrow. We're supposed to be getting our tattoos, but since I changed what I wanted, I'm not sure if I'm going to get mine tomorrow. I might just go with her and contemplate what I want some more.

At this point it's kind of like first come, first serve. I want to see everyone and I'm trying, so make sure you take a time slot. Jeez. I'm just like Luke. That's a scary thought.

Speaking of which, I've been wondering if I'm not a lot like Luke as it is...I was talking to Imani in the car and somehow we got onto the subject of Luke being very controlled. I hadn't thought of that before, but he is so self controlled. That's not a compliment by the way. It's like he controls everything when he's sober. I suppose alcohol is an excuse to break free from that for some people. Then I realized that I'm like that too. I've been trying to be less so recently, but I think I definitely get that from my mom and my past.

It's kind of like, everything must be under control! Must be on time! Everything and everyone must be in their place! I will control every aspect of myself.

I let go of that recently. I was like fuck it. I'm laying it all on the table with Luke. Fuck it plans will happen has they happen, which they have. I am a human being trying to live day by day and ride along on my happiness and love.

So tonight is the first night I don't have plans. Originally Iszy, Maddie, Imani and I were possibly going to go to the hookah bar, but Iszy disappeared and all such plans went out the window. I slept through half of SYTYCD. I'm going to sleep early.

I have no idea what's in store for this weekend, but I can tell you that I cannot go anywhere near alcohol. The thought is still affecting my brain and stomach. Also after recently found out that I went into Kat's hot tub and I have NO recollection of it, I've been quite upset with myself. It's not okay to black out and go near water of any sort and then come to just in time to vomit in the bushes and then black out again and wake up in a completely different set of clothing. Thank god I have good friends.

This is just the rant of a grumpy Rosalba who has not gotten enough sleep in the past 2 months. OOB was definitely a highlight though. I really do want children at some point in life. There's something so joyful and innocent about them.

And anyone up for going to OOB, I'm so there.
Today was kind of an eye opening experience. I was there and I had fun, but it was different. I'm not a child anymore. It's not my parents taking me on the rides anymore. It was me taking other children on the rides. Imani and I went on some of the more intense ones, but we also sat out on a few and watched and waved as her sisters went on some of the kiddie rides. It wasn't boring, it was just different. Yet another moment that reminds me that I'm not a kid anymore.

I have responsibilities. I have to think...about getting a job, about making my resume look better than everyone else's in my field, about finding an apartment that's suitable for Luca and finding a roommate who likes/owns a large dog. Then combining it with my desires...like hoping it's a man I can fall/am in love with and could maybe have a future with and figuring out how grad school fits into all of this.'

It's a lot and I know I'm not the only one. So for now, I'm going to rest and take it day by day.

Closing thoughts:

• I really want to see my cousins in Canada. I feel like it's Jon and my duty to keep that connections, since our parents haven't really. My mom suggested combining it with my trip to Buffalo, but I don't think I'll have enough time to do all of that once school starts. So maybe a trip in August the same week Kat goes to Hawaii or something.
• I miss Luke the most at night when everything gets quiet (3 days!).
• Feeling a trip to Sebago with Hallie would be fun.
• Also a trip to Montreal with Kate and who ever else wants to go should happen
• I need to get my nerve up to go into David's Bridal and give them my resume rather than letting my feelings in inadequacy stop me from a potential good experience.
• Need many more brown friends.
  
• Did I mention I'm in love and I don't care who knows it?
  

Away To Me

I'm not really sure where to start this post...
A lot has happened since yesterday...
like

I'm going to stick with wine and beer in small amounts from now on
Never mix beer, wine, tequila, and vodka in 1 night
Never being able to smell, taste, look at or read the word Tequila EVER again
Nana's trip to the ER
Luke's unexpected reply
Best friends since potty training
Responsibility

For one, I wish I had listened to my body. I'm not quite sure why I didn't. Ever since my bad experience with the T word (that I can't think about or read without getting nauseous), I haven't been able to handle it. Ever since Emma's party, I've been shying away from hard alcohol. It just hasn't been very appealing. Unfortunately that's mostly what Kat had at her house.

I had 2 beers over the course of 5 hours. After all it was a back yard grill 4th of july party. That part was normal enough. Then I shared a bottle of wine with Iszy. I should have stopped after that. I didn't.

My mistake was hearing the song Patron T word and thinking "oh! I have to have a shot because this song is on. You can't listen to Patron T word and not have a shot of T word." Long story short I literally couldn't swallow it and spat half of it out. Then I washed it down with a screwdriver (orange juice and vodka)
SUCH A BAD IDEA

Never again. The last couple of things I remember are throwing up in the bushes outside and crying on Kat's shoulder because I was worried about nana and I missed Luke.

Today has consisted of: vomiting until about 2 PM and cleaning up dog poop/digested mouse. Then recuperation.

It's safe to say I finally learned my lesson. Never again.
_________

Luke...Well I was freaked out about nana being in the hospital and I was on Munjoy hill so there wasn't a whole lot I could do. Most people weren't very helpful, but Beans hugged me while I cried, which was helpful. I either got awkward pats on the back or questions like "Is she okay?" To which I responded (in my head), "Clearly she's okay. That's why she's in the ER and I'm standing here trying not to cry. Are you seriously asking me that? Are you stupid?"

Finally I sent Luke a text. I said "I'm not sure if you can get this or not, but I'm freaking out because my grandmother is in the hospital and I don't know what to do. You're the only one who knows how to deal."
Soon after I got the response: "Just relax and breathe they're good at their jobs."
Then everything got better (until the T word). It was like he was physically there telling me it would be okay. I really can't explain it very well. I was just suddenly calm.

I know he's not there for me a lot, but when it's really important, he's there. It may not seem like much to you, but it's everything to me. When things get really bad, he knows how to react. I think most people just stumble awkwardly around me when it's bad, because I pull away and they don't know how to react. Not everyone of course, but many people.

On New Years I locked myself in the bathroom crying - He found me and held me while I cried

When I found out about something involving my sister - He was there.

And last night? He calmed me down in 1 text. He's not even in the same country or continent! That's insane!

The only down side is that it made me miss him. After the chuckage started all I could think was "5 days." I didn't want to miss him. I didn't want to think about him. I wanted a week without Luke...a vacation.
But now I do miss him...or I'm admitting to myself that I missed him all along. I don't want another week without him because I've spent a month and a half without him. I just want to be in my happy place, because that would make up for everything that has happened since last night.

It's not that I don't want any time away. I like having my own life. Everyone knows that. It's just that it's been way too long already.

I guess now that I've put my heart on the line, the question is: Will it fall or stay suspended for a little longer?

Happy Birthday To...

Oh wait Luke is in Europe.
I had a thought this evening as Emma was driving Iszy and me to my house.

It was officially Luke's birthday at midnight. I thought "this might just be the second most significant day to me." Number 1 being my own birthday of course.

He's no longer a teenager. He's 20. I think about that and then I think "wow...either I'm old or he's young." I almost never forget an age difference, but with him I usually do. He's had to grow up way too fast and so, I always forget he's younger. At this age especially even 6 months can make a difference.

Today is his day and after the fact I will try very hard not to think about him until he returns home. I need a break from this too.

It's funny, but a year ago he came to Imani's party because I asked him to and said it would mean a lot to me. I later spent the night with him. I was in my happy place. My happy place is cuddled up next to him with my head on his chest. I cannot think of a place I would rather be. It may be forward, but after the letter, I see no reason to hide it.

So happy birthday Lucas. I may not get to be in my happy place this year, but I hope you're enjoying Ireland and drinking it up.

Lay It All On The Table

It's been a rough month no doubt.
Right now I'm basking in the glow that is the result of my clarity of thought and bravery.

Last night around 1:30 AM (aka this morning), I wrote a letter to Luke in case I didn't get to have breakfast with him today. I know enough by now to realize the likelihood of having breakfast with him is slim to none. It's okay. It is the day he's leaving after all.

In an attempt to be creative while mentally and physically exhausted, I wrote it on a page I tore from my daily calendar. I used the days June 3rd and 4th. Why? The 3rd is his birthday and the 4th...well I had hoped he would come to my party before I remembered he was going to Spain.

It was hard to fit everything on there and I missed a couple of things, but I think it was pretty well written. I woke up at 7 with intense butterflies in my stomach. Then I went back to sleep until 8. Between 7 AM and 8 AM I had a 2 dreams about him opening his presents. He almost didn't make it and now that I think about it, in one of the dreams it was my birthday. But he did...

My nervous feeling only grew until I finally drove to his house at 10:30 AM. I hung his presents and letter on his door...At that moment the nervous feeling stopped. I calmly walked away. Now I'm at the coffee shopping feeling accomplished.

It's out of my hands now. The feeling is good for now.

I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with my friends. Imani is coming back Sunday. I missed her like crazy. Hallie and I are back on good terms.

Everything seems to be looking up.
I'll just have to wait and see how Luke reacts. I'm banking on the fact that he's a mature man and can handle what I said.
______

What's at stake? My heart. My love. The future.

I had a long talk with Kate yesterday about Luke, men, fate etc.
She said some things that just clicked in my head. I can't repeat word for word, but it was effective.
My struggle has been with the word fate, my need to be an independent woman, and the possibilities of the future vs. closure right now.

I've been very sensitive to the word and idea of fate for a very long time. Yes, I love the movie Serendipity, but it's just a movie. Yesterday I was trying to figure out why it scared me so much. I came to the conclusion that the thought of not being able to control my life and the whole pre-destined thing would make living and making decisions meaningless. My mom didn't raise me to let life lead me. I make my own destiny.

So what if that's not what fate is? What if fate is just a general feeling of bliss. What makes you happy? For me it's the thought of having a job that helps people and a family I love more than anything (it all started with my parents after all). Someday I hope that all happens. I believe it will.

What if there are plenty of men I could be very happy with, but there is only one man or only a couple of men who are...who Are.

People say I'm young. Yes, but I've lived 1/5 of my life. I've seen and been through more than someone my age should. I was raised by parents who have about 7 years on other people's parents around my age. I've been raised around adults. Even my older friends call me an equal. I know enough to know I don't have to explain this to you.

It doesn't matter what you think of my philosophies. It only matters what I believe. I believe I haven't met anyone like this one man I love more than anything and anyone. He's the only man I've ever been able to look past the flaws of and accept them. I'm not the most patient person with men and so often I don't have enough interest to stay with one for long.

But it's different with him. It's been 5 years and 9 months. It's only growing.
The scariest part is not knowing if it will last or where it will go. I've put my heart on the chopping table. He'll either destroy it or accept it eventually.
Yes, I keep coming back to him, but he keeps coming back to me too.
You have to wonder, am I right?

Coming Soon...

I have a lot to say about fate, love, friends, Luke, letters and laying it all on the line.
I'm scared, but I will be brave and put myself on the line.

I will always be willing to put myself on the line for Luke.

That's all I'll say for now. Good night.