Dancer Bias

Have you ever noticed how judgmental dancers are?
Probably not.

Over the years I've noticed that dancers:
1. Only critique other dancers
2. Generally think there's a difference between people who learn to dance and people who have the natural ability
3. Don't criticize non dancers unless they look ridiculous

And of course all of this is between dancers, so you almost never hear about it if you aren't a dancer.
Dance can be clickish, but whatever.

I say dance if it makes you happy.
I do.

What's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?

Adopted me :)

Ask me anything

It Must Be Nice

The real world isn't a tv show. It's a jolt to the naive; a harsh reality where only the realistically optimistic and determined can flourish.

Last year someone who means a great deal to me said, "oh, to be a college kid. it must be nice." I ignored the sting of that comment. I don't like being belittled. Honestly, I didn't really care or want to know what he meant by that.

Now I know. Now it's my turn to say that. I won't say it of course, but I'll think it.
It was nice, but now it's over and I have to face the fact that I am first and foremost an adult.

It's a sobering thought.

On my day off, I thought long and hard about everything.

Also on my mind: Family.
Our family is our foundation. Families come in all shapes and sizes and some aren't even blood related. I have 3. My parents, my sister, and my brothers/Katya.

The family I have been thinking about is the one that raised me. My grandmothers and my parents. My mom said that I was the brightest thing in Nana's life. Previously I remember one of my parents and/or nana saying I was the hope for the future.

That's a lot to live up to. It's hard to live up to.
I know I can and I'm sure I will though.

Thing brings me to my next though: One generation is gone.
Our parents are taking the place of our grand parents and we're taking the place of our parents. This isn't to say we're becoming them, but we're becoming the adult generation. It's time for us to find our places in the world.

We can't do it alone though. That's why we have family...and so the cycle continues. As I've said before, life continues and soon my generation will be getting married/finding life partners and eventually having children. Not everyone of course, but a good majority.

Life is never ending. Family continues as well.
On and on and on.

So where am I in this cycle?
I'm learning how to be an adult.
Every day I worry first about money and second about love.
Word of the year: Responsibility.

This may sound like an unhappy post, but it's not. I'm a little bitter, but I'm far more relieved not to be so naive anymore. It's simply a reality check.

Growing Up

Some of us grow up faster than others.
Some of us have to grow up faster than others.
Some of us grow up faster in some ways and not in others.
Some of us never grow up at all.

They all suck some point along the line.
I would hate to be the last one though.

And despite what anyone says, there is a huge difference between being 21 and 20.
I witnessed it tonight, and it made me sad.
Of course age isn't the only contribution.

Tonight I stood in a room with friends and I was the only sober one with responsibilities and worries on my mind i.e. work, family, dog, finances.
Only my best friend seemed to notice and she waited with me until my ride came to pick me up.

Conclusion?
Growing up sucks, but it's better than not growing up at all.
Also best friends make everything a little bit better.

Eternity

Life is weird.
It occurred to me today that everything that is physical ends, but some things are more profound than physicality. Some things like souls, love etc. I don't think love ends with death. I think it endures.

It's unfortunate that nana will soon be gone, but as someone important to me pointed out, she's going to a better place, and more importantly she'll be with her husband one again. One thing I've wondered is how you manage to live so many years without the one you love.
She told me it was very hard at first, but then she realized that "the lord would take me when he's good and ready and so I will live as best I can until that moment." She certainly has.

Today I cried quite a bit, not because I was sad, but because I was happy. It's more than happiness though...it's something that can't be described. It's because one man has changed my life. I don't even think he knows how important he is to me although I try to tell him.

He's the only one to have ever broken through all of my defenses. The only one who I can cry in front of without feeling vulnerable, because I know he will protect me. The only one who has never yelled at me or gotten mad at me. The only one who has never intentionally hurt me. I'm sure there are other onlys, but I don't need to list them all.

I wish everyone knew something so great.
I hope it doesn't end.
This is the first year I have everything I really want for Christmas.
I'm happy.

Holiday Spirit

I haven't noticed many people in the holiday spirit this year.
I don't know if it's the lack of snow (mum assures me this weather is relatively normal for this time of year).
Some people are miserable, some are sad, some are trying to drink their problems around and a very few of us are really happy and content with our lives.
It seems like we've all be focusing on what we don't have lately. I think it's partially the result of our consumer society (we won't be happy until we have everything we want and there's always more to want) and partially our negative outlooks (the world is shitty).
I'm not prone to negativity, but I did have a small bout Wednesday night (also due to a bad case of PMS). Luckily, I woke up the next morning feeling fine. Thank goodness for my optimism!

I figure, I have good friends, a good man who really cares about me (and I don't have to prove that to anyone by making it official on facebook), the most amazing puppy, enough money for the moment, a comfortable home and good parents, a beautiful body and personality, and I'm well on my way to figuring out what I really want to do with my life....so why complain?

It's time to finish up exams, (I don't stress, because what's the point? Stressing only makes you more likely to do worse) bake holiday cookies and spend time with friends and family.

Judgement

I just wrote an entry based on my anger, so I had to delete it.
Here is the new one without anger, but perhaps with a bit of disappointment and sadness in the direction of some people and hope and appreciation in the direction of a very few others.

The past two months have changed me for the better. It's obvious, or I thought it was. Ultimately it doesn't matter if you think I have or not, but depending on who you are, I'm disappointed to see that you haven't been paying attention to it.

So judgment...
First I was judged by a certain photographer. He judged me too fast. This helped me to see more clearly where I am emotionally distant. It also helped me to see that I couldn't open up to him, because he was not the one I truly loved.

Then I decided to go back to the one I love, because he had shown me that he had changed. I knew everyone who had been involved as second, third and fourth parties would judge me and my decision.

I allowed one friend in particular to protest it for 15 minutes straight on the phone. I listened to my closest brother's doubt and I witnessed the extreme disbelief in my own parents faces. I received warnings from many others. I listened to it all and did so with patience.

I suppose I can't expect everyone to understand; Not everyone has been in my position; not everyone has been in love.

You don't have to be able to understand to accept it or to see the changes I've gone through.

I'm not a child anymore. I'm not a teenager. I'm an adult. I'm a woman.
There comes a time when parents are no longer the first in line and a partner is. This doesn't demean what they have done and how they've helped through the years or to say that they aren't still very important. Our "girls" and our "boys" remain constant, but there comes a time when they don't get to know everything and must accept our significant others (unless caught cheating or unless undecided of course) and other life decisions as they are.

I know that my heart and head are in balance. I've never felt more right. I expect everyone to accept that. The fact that I say he has proven himself to be the most trustworthy and loyal person I know should be enough for everyone else.

That shouldn't be a slap in the face to anyone. It's not to say I don't trust other people greatly. I do...and I'm grateful for the friendships.

The biggest differences are that he has never purposefully hurt me physically or verbally, that he has never taken his anger out on me (although I know there have been quite a few times when I pissed him off), and his restraint and calmness when I have said things to hurt him.

This has all been achieved over 6 year of on and off interaction. It's not impossible for others to achieve that level of trust and I hope everyone strives for that as I continue to strive to better my relationships with others as well.

Judge me if you will.