Bagel Epiphanies

I began today with a poppy seed bagel covered with chive cream cheese. It was delicious. Mid bite my eyes shifted to the mess of photography books and magazines spread over my book. I felt a jolt of excitement.

It would appear that taking the semester off has been very good for me. I lost interest in college a long time ago. I used to like learning. My first college burned me out. I guess I needed some time to figure out what I really wanted to study; what I'm actually passionate about.

Turns out it's not psychology, but photography. I wish I could have seen it from the beginning, but then I remember that I would have gone down a completely different path and probably never have met the people I know now. So it's been hard, but I'm seeing the light.

I'm excited for art classes.

I'm excited for the future.

My Girlfriend's Boyfriend

I love netflix. You can find all sorts of interesting movies and tv shows on it.

Tonight I found the movie, My Girlfriend's Boyfriend. Is it a chick flick? Yes, but it's not the generic kind. It has a couple of twists. I was certainly surprised and a little confused toward the end, which never happens to me, because I'm a chick flick expert.

Ethan meets Jesse (Alyssa Milano) in a cafe, which is pretty stereotypical, and by the end of their conversation he awkwardly asks for her number. He's the tall, awkward, seemingly nice guy. She's the innocent, peppy, free spirited woman. Their relationship moves pretty fast. He takes her to visit his brother's family. His brother of course has 3 children: a toddler and 2 young kids. They love their uncle and she gets to see him playing with them. She has the "he's good with kids and I really like this man" moment. Then later in the movie he asks her to marry him and she freaks out. She won't tell him why. She disappears.

Meanwhile he's been writing a manuscript with her as his inspiration. He's been a writer for years, but never published, because he's always written the male character after himself, a nice guy. He almost gives up, but she tells him she believes in him. He continues and during their estrangement, he submits his manuscript and has it approved.

That's really only half the story, because I don't want to give away the rest, but it gives enough background for me to continue on the topics of new relationships and "nice" guys.
There's a saying, "nice guys finish last." I'm not so sure that's true. I've had more than my fair share of "bad boys." To them I say, Never Again. I had a boyfriend once who thought that was true. He pouted over the fact that he was a nice guy. He victimized himself. That's probably one of the most unattractive things a man could do.

Actually that's one of the most unattractive things anyone could do.

Anyway, the "bad boy" that sticks out in my mind treated me like I was the least important thing in his life. I wasn't even in it most of the time. Then I would finally decide I'd had enough crying and pain. Then he would reappear and I'd suddenly be back in his arms again. It happened over and over for a year and a half. It was hell.

Then I met a good man who treated me well and who I liked very much, but I couldn't see through my bad boy's manipulations enough to give this good man a fighting chance. 9 months later I met another man. He was an artist with a punk rock side. Bad boy? Kind of, but in touch with his emotions. He treated me pretty well until the night he called and suddenly said, "yeah I don't see this going anywhere, so...yeah."

Talk about a harsh reality check.
Was that a douche move on his part? Yes.
Was it completely his fault that it didn't work out? No.
If I could go back and fix what went wrong would I? No.
Until I met him, I had been constantly miserable. With him, I was happier. He showed me what it was like to be with someone who could appreciate me and who wanted to be with me. This freaked me out. I pulled away. Whatever connection was felt in the beginning was lost.

What's the point? Bad boys and even kind of bad boys with sensitive sides don't last. They're a temporary high. They're addictive. They will never be able to give you what you want until they fully mature. I waited a year and a half. It was torture. It could take 10 years for them to grow up, or it may never happen. Don't waste your time on something that may or may not happen in the distant future.
The nice guys finish first. Nice doesn't mean pathetic. A nice man can be mature/responsible (or immature as the moment may call for), funny, sweet, caring, sexy, smart, family oriented, good in bed and the farthest thing from pathetic you will ever meet.

As for myself, I can only hope I've learned my lessons. There's always more to learn, but as long as I don't repeat my mistakes I should be heading in the right direction. Sometimes when I think about how good I have it now, I get scared and want to bolt before he can leave me. After being treated like shit for so long, you become acclimated to it. Then being treated like the most amazing woman in the world seems foreign and intimidating. It's one thing to think you're amazing. It's another for other people to tell you that you are.

This time is different though. He's different. I'm different. I've never been this comfortable with a man or even person this quickly. I have no intentions of running anywhere except straight toward him and toward everything else I want in life.

Now go watch My Girlfriend's Boyfriend!

"Wanna know a secret? No one is ever ready. That's why they call it a leap, and if you wait until you're ready, you're going to wait forever."

Boyfriends

I have a boyfriend for the first time in 2 years. It's kind of weird; the word boyfriend sounds strange on my tongue.
Of course the boy and man who have mean the most to me, I have had some sort of odd relationship with in the last 2 years, but never officially together. This includes the boy I've been in love with since our Junior year of high school (the ONLY person I've ever been in love with) and the older man, who I could have fallen in love with if I hadn't screwed it up.
Never had a boyfriend who I care about as much as these two men.
Until now.
What I mean is I've finally found someone who is pretty damn amazing. He's smart, attractive, funny, cuddly, can dance/likes dancing with me, can cook, sweet, loves dogs and children, isn't emotionally distant, and he actually wants to spend time with me. I feel more comfortable with him than almost any other guy I've ever dated.
It hasn't been very long, but it kind of feels like it has been awhile. It's new and I don't quite trust new. I trust long-term, happy commitment. I trust him. I guess we'll see.
Hopefully I won't screw it up this time!

Satisfaction

I've been pretty satisfied lately.
Satisfied.
Content.
I like those words.
I don't trust words like euphoric and butterflies. I've found they lead to burn out or something less meaningful than love. Physical connection is important of course, but if it's real, it's something more than an adrenaline rush; something more than having butterflies.
It's funny to think that I was going to stop dating for a year. I didn't think I would find anyone, because I'm so picky, and let's be honest, how many men can handle a strong woman like me? I guess the best things in life are unexpected.
That's all I will say for now. I'm currently running on 3.5 hours of sleep.
Good night.

Valentine's Day Strikes Again

Or does it?
It struck at midnight last night, but in a different way.
I decided that while Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday designed to promote capitalistic tendencies, I rather like hallmark cards anyway.
I used to be the cynical girl for whom watching horror movies and imagining couples walking down the street stepped into a hole a disappeared was what got me through this horrid day. My freshman year of highschool I had a boyfriend, but he didn't even realize it was Valentine's Day until I pointed it out right before he left on the bus. He happened to have a fake flower and gave it to me. How romantic...Then my freshman year of college I also had a boyfriend, but rather than deal with Valentine's Day with him, I drove 4 hours home to watch attractive, professional hockey players play 2 games that weekend.
As far as I can remember I never liked Valentine's Day. I'm pretty sure it started in elementary school. I must have had some sort of traumatic experience that I've blocked from my memory.

This year...I feel different. It didn't hit me until last night though.
As Carrie Bradshaw would say, I'm batting for the other team - the side of love.
In love? Not quite, but there's hope (there's hope people!)
I got blindsided, but I'm liking it so far.

This morning my phone buzzed around 6:15. I had a text. It made me smile. It made my day.
I also have my first day of work and I'm excited for that. Then I have dinner with my parents. I'm looking forward to it. I won't be glaring at the couples around us. I'll be smiling, because I'm loving my life and the people (and pets) in it.

I hope your Valentine's Day is just as happy as mine.

Sense and Sensibility

Sense and Sensibility is not my favorite Jane Austen novel, but I do like it very much nonetheless.

As I have noted before, I have read all the novels and seen most version of the movies.

Tonight I am watching the movie (not the tv mini series) starring Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, Alan Rickman and Hugh Grant.

Tonight I saw something that I didn't see in the past.

Marianne Dashwood feels everything and hides nothing. She's young and innocent. Enter Col. Brandon, the older handsome gentleman who immediately takes to Marianne. She overlooks him for the younger dashing, poetry reading Willoughby. Willoughby is everything Marianne thinks she wants. He reads poetry with feeling, he's forward in his affection, he's adventurous...He practically sweeps her off her feet.

Then he leaves for a woman who has a large allowance. He leaves without much explanation and when Marianne attempts to contact him, he ignores her. Later it is found out that he had an illegitimate child and left the mother before running around. Suave like so many, and just as selfish.

Somehow Col. Brandon loves Marianne despite her being taken in by Willoughby. After her bout of fever she sees what has been in front of her all along - happiness, love and contentment.

Wouldn't it be nice if men were that forgiving in real life?
I am an adult, but I'm still young and as such I make mistakes on my way to finding what I want from life and who I want in it.
Don't we all?

Ms. Brightside

On the bright side, I now have nothing left to lose.

I should focus more on the fact that I admitted my mistakes, apologized and have been completely honest.

Maybe I will soon.
I'm still not past the loss.

In 2011 I have no more grandmother and no more Mr. Big.
What happened to to 2011 will be better?
I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves every year to make ourselves feel better about the shit we've done and get over the shit that was done to us in the past year.
It's optimistic and it drives us to make our lives better. It works quite well doesn't it?

In 2011 I have lost or am losing someone I love. Things can't get any worse. They can only go up.

There's the silver lining in a lot of despair.

Always reach for that silver lining when you're in the dark.
It's your last lifeline and your road back to contentment, if not happiness.
If you're lucky like I am, you'll have loved ones encouraging you to join them at the top.

To be clear, I'm not in the dark.
It's more like I'm in a bright white room with fluorescent lights illuminating my mistakes. I've been sitting here for a little white, but I just found that silver lining that is the crack in the door. Hopefully I'll find the rest of it soon, because I am not a negative person.
I'm an optimist damn it!