Never Say Never

Yes I'm listening to that song again.

But more importantly I've been talking with my brother. He always asks the same question even if it's only been 3 days since I last talked to him. "So have you made it official yet?" Lots of people ask me that actually. Answer is no. For some reason I feel slightly ashamed even though it's not my fault...I know it's not...I think...

He and I got into our usual argument over this. Along the same lines as Carol's arguments. It's good though. It makes me think. It doesn't make me change my mind though. If anything the arguments makes me see I'm doing the right thing even more clearly. They say, "be careful." I say, "too late." The best part? I can say it with complete acceptance. It's a fact that I've come to accept.

Tonight I took Luca for a walk in the woods. Originally I was just going to take him to the bathroom and return, but something had scared me and I felt the need to take a walk. It was so light out. The full moon lit the path in the woods. The snow was a soft lavender color. I felt like I was in another world. So peaceful. I cried some. Then I started talking to Luca/myself. I told him my questions and worries. I told him a secret. I told him what I wanted. Somehow I started laughing along the way. It made me feel a lot better. It also allowed me to clearly articulate myself in the discussion with Beans.

I guess you could say I'm determined and loyal. I don't think one can go without the other. So yes, I'll stand up to everyone when it comes to Luke.

On another note, tomorrow is the big game. USA vs. Canada. I'm excited and nervous. Are we the best or the second best hockey team in the world? Is Ryan Miller the best goalie in the world? I think so, but I guess we'll see tomorrow. They're playing the first part of the game at the civic center before the Pirates game. I'll either go to that with Luke or I'll stay home and watch it there. I'm most proud of the shirt I made. It says Team USA on the front and #39 Ryan Miller on the back in red, white and blue. I'll be wearing it tomorrow and maybe Monday if all goes well!

Tomorrow's the full moon. I'm ready.

Current Playlist:
I'm Gonna Getcha Good - Shania Twain
Glass Danse - The Faint
Cry Tonight Kim Sozzi
If I Had You - Adam Lambert

Persuasion

My plan this evening was to watch the Canada/Slovakia game, but my mom did not want to, so we watched Persuasion instead. I forgot how good it is. Now I want to go back and reread it.

Jane Austen's novels are incredibly dramatic with romantic notions tied in everywhere. I used to think they were senseless fantasies, but addictive nonetheless. Then I realized my own life is that complex. Not exactly the same, but similar mind sets and mistakes.

Prior to the events of the novel Anne Elliot falls in love with an intellegent and ambitious naval officer. Unfortunately he's poor and so her family highly disapproves. Her mentor and stand-in mother persuades her to break off their courtship. Years later she runs into him after he has become a wealthy and well known naval captain. She has not moved on of course and still loves him, but does not think he could forgive her for breaking it off years before. He still loves her, but tries not to show it. Then there is mistaken jealousy on her part and she thinks he's engaged to another woman. She finds out he's not, but then she is proposed to. He thinks she's engaged and she has to say no. He leaves, but writes a letter proposing and eventually they live happily ever after.

This misunderstanding happens a lot in Austen's novels and indeed in real life. Mostly because neither side wants to be the first to take the risk of receiving a broken heart and the loss of pride. It happens in a lot of movies actually, and I almost always want to yell at them to just say it already. Then I think about real life. We never just say it. It's always a game. My guy friends ask why girls play games with them. My girl friends ask the same about guys. It's not really necessary. There's a difference between courting and playing games.

Personally I value courage and honesty over all, because without them you can't express love. Being loved and expressing it are both human needs. You're alone if you don't have it and humans weren't meant to be alone. Inability to express feelings leads to loneliness as well and insanity. This isn't just toward the man or woman you love. It's also for friends and family. There's more than one type of love.

My personal favorite is unconditional. No matter what you love them. No matter what they do, no matter what happens, no matter how great or bad life is, it will always be. It's the place where blame rarely exists and forgiveness is almost always given.

Tim Thomas's Ten Minutes Of Fame

Normally I don't write about hockey stuff here, but I am so pissed about it that I think this is the better blog for it.
I'm ecstatic that Team USA won 6-1 against Finland. Ryan Miller was superb, when tested. Most of the first period was spent at Finland's end though. I was skeptical when they put Tim Thomas in for the last 10 minutes of the third period. I try really hard not to be regional, but I've never been a big fan of Tim Thomas. That doesn't mean I don't have respect for him. I do, but he's not the best in the NHL and that's a fact. Ryan Miller is the second best goalie in the NHL.

That's not the point though. The point is that Tim Thomas gave away a great shut out. While I think I won't ever let it go right now, because it's an Olympic game not an NHL game, I probably will after I cool down. Maybe...

Anyhoo...not going to the hockey game tonight. Too tired. Just gonna stay home, rest and watch Canada vs. Slovakia. Should be another interesting game.

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Fight A Man

He been gone since three thirty
And coming home lately at three thirty
I'm super cool I've been a fool
But now I'm hot and baby you gone get it
Now I ain't tripping ah! I ain't twisting ah!
I ain't demented ah! well just a lil' bit
I'm kicking asses I'm taking names
I'm on flame don't come home babe

I'm breaking dishes up in here
All Night (Oh-oh)
I ain't go stop until I see police lights
I'm a fight a man
- Breakin' Dishes by Rihanna

I kind of love this song...normally I'm not a huge Rihanna fan, but some of her songs are good. This one is great. Not for the lyrics, although they're pretty great, but because it makes me want to dance....er maybe it's the full moon coming up? Either way, I'm not sick anymore!

Texts From Last Night: 970

You know that bumper sticker on facebook that says "for the sexually active, getting your period is like Christmas morning?" I never really got that until it happened to me awhile back, but I was just on the website for Texts from Last Night, because I don't want to go to sleep and I saw this one:

970:
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

I thought it was hilarious, because I'm pretty sure just about every girls has done/will do that at some point. It really is that exciting to get it after a scare or even if there isn't any logical reason to believe you're pregnant, but you're late anyway. Anyway, it made me chuckle.

MLIA

Well mine is not. I have too much drama for that, but it's okay. Came across this though and figured it could apply to about every girl at some point.

"Today, I was talking to my best friend about my crush. She was flipping through a magazine and probably only half-listening, but I didn't care. Right in the middle of me gushing about his smile and how adorable his laugh is, she interrupts with, "He poops, you know. He sits on the toilet, and crap comes out of his butthole." I'll never be able to look at him the same way again. MLIA"

Only problem is I don't think it would work for most of us. I never wish to imagine or see anything of the sort. I laughed for quite awhile though.

Let It Rain

So many things are trying to keep me
And so many voices trying to reach me
To tell me that this is not the way
To tell me that this is my mistake

Oh, let the rain keep falling down
Cause it won't stop me
From getting where I'm bound
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe it's too late
But I'm gonna make it
Don't care what the skies say
So oh, let it rain.

I was looking for songs involving rain today and I came across Let it Rain by Kris Allen. I own the album, but haven't listened to half of it. Finally listened to this song and now I can't stop. It makes me want to run out and dance in the rain. Unfortunately i'm sick and that would not be a good idea.

The best thing that happened this week was a short conversation with my brother. I hadn't talked to him since the party at USM right before he went back to college. I was afraid he caught onto my anger at his betrayal back then and was angry at me. Apparently he still has no clue. Luckily it's all in the past anyway. I miss Katya and him the most since they're the most like family.

It's kind of funny...sometimes I feel like we've switched places. This year he's had 2 girlfriends and I'm stuck in limbo. Last year it was the other way around. I had boyfriends though...I wouldn't change it back by any means. I'm far happier now than I was last year with either of those guys. They're friends, and that's all they were ever meant to be.

Being sick this time around has made me realize moreso than before how determined I am...about Everything. When I really want something, I almost always get it. I work hard. Sometimes I get frustrated and have to take a break, but then I get right back to it. For example, with this flu, I realized I need to rest for 3 days, so I am and by tomorrow I'll be ready to go go go. I'm no longer contagious, so that's a good sign.

I've had this weird tug or war going on inside me this week. One side, the flu side, has been dragging me down and making me sleep, the other side, full moon, has been trying to energize me. So I have been like "I can get up and do stuff!" and 2 hours later "shit....I need to get back in bed." My head is finally clear enough recognize that rising energy though. So it looks like I'll be good to go for the weekend, but I guess I won't be getting laid this full moon weekend...oops did I just write that?

Anyhoo...Tomorrow is supposed to be a crazy hockey day. USA vs. Finland (to which I respond fuckkkkk. Hope they can win...), then a Pirates game if I decide to go, then Canada vs. Slovakia (going for the Slovaks, but I doubt they'll win)...and I guess ladies long program somewhere inbetween.