No More Hiding

I'm not hiding anymore. Someone has to speak up. Maybe I should be that someone.

Cruel

It's never been more clear to me how distant the administrative/business part of the health care system is from the actual care. This was made most evident today when my friend told me she received a call from a certain abortion/women's health clinic. They left a message basically saying they had over charged her $100. She received this call 6 months after her abortion.
She's been through hell and back. She said she felt like she was drowning in blackness. She couldn't feel anything but anger and sadness; the guilt was overwhelming. Nothing improved until September. Then she slowly made progress to be where she is today (or was before hearing the message). She said she had to achieve her goals: finish school, start her career, have a family when she was ready; not just for herself, but for her unborn baby. She said she owed her baby to make her life full, but not even that would ever make up for the decision she made.
Fast forward to the past month: I've never seen her happier. Of course she misses her baby, but she couldn't live in that place of mourning forever. She is surrounded by many very close friends who know all of the above, and still love her. She started dating a really nice guy. And then this.
I'm writing this for her, because she's still too fragile to do it herself. She doesn't deserve to be judged by outsiders who don't what it was like. Not even I can comprehend. No one will ever be able to judge her as harshly as she has judged herself.
So here I am sticking up for her and expressing my own anger at insensitivity of the administrative portion of this business. 6 months later. The very same month of her now non-existent due date. December 17th.
Who in the world would really want that money anyway?
She certainly doesn't.
There is no price for making this better.
Now she has to relive it.
And when that check comes, she has to see the man who disappeared after the abortion (after promising not to) to give him his half.
The whole situation is unfair, but this is just cruel.

22

I always like to reflect on what I've learned from the things I've been through in the past year right before my birthday.
This year I could write a book about it.
I won't thought. I don't need to go through it again.
No one should ever have to experience that.

I try not to dwell though.
I really don't these days.
I'm moving forward.
It's a slow process.

I'm so thankful to have all the people in my life lately (who know everything).
I honestly have the best girl friends in the world and I love them so so so much.
And my boys, oh my boys, who have been there for me in a way that even the girls have struggled with.
And of course my family, for whom, I'm sure, this was hardest on (after myself). My dad said having a child is  kind of like having your heart walking around in public completely vulnerable. I can't imagine how tough it must be to watch and let life happen. Not looking forward to that part of parenthood.

I'm not sure what to expect from 22.

• Some heartache of the man variety might be nice, although I'd much rather something work out of course. The reason I say this is because I'd like to have the chance to stick it out instead of running away (physically disappearing or pretending to be a super boring person so the other person leaves first) even if I get my heart broken.

• More creativity within the worlds of music and art. Brandon and I are starting a band. I'm incredibly nervous, but psyched at the same time. I need to make more time for my creativity.

• The birth of my friend's baby/Guess who's throwing the baby shower?! Me!

• Other unexpected surprises both good and bad. I think I'm up to the challenge either way.

Direction

One year ago today (it was actually a Wednesday), my life changed direction drastically. I didn't know it back then, but I knew he was special from the moment I saw him leaning against his motorcycle. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a romantic gesture.
This is an appreciation to one of the most amazing people I've ever met who positively influenced my life and reminded me that ultimately I'm the only one who can figure out what is best for me and what path I should follow.
The past 14 months have been the hardest of my entire life, but I was able to survive, and work toward having the life I want, because I experienced the strength of his own mentality.
I think I might have shattered otherwise.
I'm not fine, but I'm getting there and I'm following the path that I know is right for me (at least for right now. I know the definition of right could change at any time).

So, thank you B.
Sometime soon when I have more time I will thank you personally.

Maternal Instinct

There is nothing stronger than maternal instinct.
It's a bond, that once formed, is almost impossible to break.
Once a mother, always a mother.

Confidence

Confidence is strength and power and beauty

Heart and Soul

If you don't have a heart, how can you have a soul?

I've been wondering.

I thought I lost my heart on June 6th and thereby my soul as well. I just couldn't bring myself to care about or love anyone else.

Turns out it was hiding in the same place it's been for a year and a half.

I have a soul. Yay!

Time to move forward.