So I began writing about Avatar, but that turned into writing about strong women. It's a tricky subject. I have to word it so that it says exactly what I mean, which is hard to do when I'm so tired. So I will save it for tomorrow, when I know for sure it will not sound like "women are better than men," because I don't believe that.
I think my dog just tried to eat a cotton ball, so that's all for tonight.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Think Of This
Back in October, I wrote a little piece. It doesn't have a title, but it does start with "Think of this," so I suppose that's good enough for now. Back then a few of my friends (both male and female) seemed to have similar stories/issues. After thinking about it, I decided to write a short story combining all of our stories into one. You can read into it if you want, think it's about you if you want, feel guilty if you want, but that's not really the point of the piece.
I will admit that I had to take out a couple of sentences, because they were a little more obvious and personal. They are more of a loose interpretation of how I see other people viewing the guy than about me. I also thought it would be fairer to show the guy that part before everyone else.
Think of this:
A young woman sits at home; a musty quilted pillow, contained by her arms. She stares out a window at nothing. Night has fallen and where there would be bright green trees and a flowing river, black night veils them. She is not thinking of the beautiful foliage. How could she, when her thoughts are agonizing and overflowing? One would never know. Her posture is perfectly relaxed and serene; She is a graceful statue. Only her watery eyes could give her away, but they’re shadowed by the night.
Meanwhile, a young man stands above a dirty linoleum floor, taking shots from a graying counter top. Loud voices and harsh laughter surround him. People urge him on for their own entertainment. He takes two more shots. The familiar faces begin to sway and warmth fills every joint. Heat pushes guilt away. The faces become more than just familiar; they become his best friends. He forgets these people never supported [him]. He forgets they don’t care about him. He is just a performing clown. He gulps down another shot.
The young woman begins quivering. Anyone around her would think it’s the result of sitting so near a frosted window. No one realizes she is waiting. No one can see the strain as she hunches forward. She bears a pain too enormous for her petite frame. She wonders when she will break. Tonight? Next month? In a year? When will the occasional tear turn into a flood? When will she not be able to pick herself up and carry on with her day anymore? The worry stresses her heart. It races faster. Her arms drop to her sides as she is consumed by helplessness.
A few hours later the young man finds himself staggering home alone. The heat has cooled down with the cold fall air. His drunken smile fades. A beautiful figure dances at the edges of his memory, becoming clearer with each step. He takes out his keys and fumbles to fit the lock with the right key. The door shuts behind him. In the surrounding silence, his cold hands comfort his face, he finally remembers the one who was always there; the one who always forgave him and all the times he took her for granted; Grief shakes his body. He never meant to cause her pain. He opens his phone and begins to dial.
A buzz interrupts the young woman’s melancholy. Her hopes and heart rate jump. Just as the tears begin to flow freely, she answers.
“Hi,” says the young man. “I missed you.”
“How was your night?” she responds; smile evident in her voice.
“Okay," He pauses, before continuing casually, "You know.”
“Yes, I do.”
I will admit that I had to take out a couple of sentences, because they were a little more obvious and personal. They are more of a loose interpretation of how I see other people viewing the guy than about me. I also thought it would be fairer to show the guy that part before everyone else.
Think of this:
A young woman sits at home; a musty quilted pillow, contained by her arms. She stares out a window at nothing. Night has fallen and where there would be bright green trees and a flowing river, black night veils them. She is not thinking of the beautiful foliage. How could she, when her thoughts are agonizing and overflowing? One would never know. Her posture is perfectly relaxed and serene; She is a graceful statue. Only her watery eyes could give her away, but they’re shadowed by the night.
Meanwhile, a young man stands above a dirty linoleum floor, taking shots from a graying counter top. Loud voices and harsh laughter surround him. People urge him on for their own entertainment. He takes two more shots. The familiar faces begin to sway and warmth fills every joint. Heat pushes guilt away. The faces become more than just familiar; they become his best friends. He forgets these people never supported [him]. He forgets they don’t care about him. He is just a performing clown. He gulps down another shot.
The young woman begins quivering. Anyone around her would think it’s the result of sitting so near a frosted window. No one realizes she is waiting. No one can see the strain as she hunches forward. She bears a pain too enormous for her petite frame. She wonders when she will break. Tonight? Next month? In a year? When will the occasional tear turn into a flood? When will she not be able to pick herself up and carry on with her day anymore? The worry stresses her heart. It races faster. Her arms drop to her sides as she is consumed by helplessness.
A few hours later the young man finds himself staggering home alone. The heat has cooled down with the cold fall air. His drunken smile fades. A beautiful figure dances at the edges of his memory, becoming clearer with each step. He takes out his keys and fumbles to fit the lock with the right key. The door shuts behind him. In the surrounding silence, his cold hands comfort his face, he finally remembers the one who was always there; the one who always forgave him and all the times he took her for granted; Grief shakes his body. He never meant to cause her pain. He opens his phone and begins to dial.
A buzz interrupts the young woman’s melancholy. Her hopes and heart rate jump. Just as the tears begin to flow freely, she answers.
“Hi,” says the young man. “I missed you.”
“How was your night?” she responds; smile evident in her voice.
“Okay," He pauses, before continuing casually, "You know.”
“Yes, I do.”
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Just Another Day
Today Beans and I had brunch together. Well more specifically Beans had brunch, while I felt quite nauseous and couldn't eat my food. Turns out it was wings I had the day before. I guess it's not good to miss 2 meals after going to Binga's.
Then we picked up Katya and visited Waynflete. We were there for quite awhile doing the rounds. Lorry talked me into leading a poetry workshop for some of the students there. I told her I was changing my major to English and she said "it's about time you realized this is your calling." That made me laugh. It's always nice to go back and catch up with teachers.
It made me think though (again). Waynflete affects you. You can't go there for a significant amount of time and have it not affect you. Waynflete is a way of life. There are good things and bad things about it, just like everything else. We may not like all the people we went to school with, but we're still a community. Highschool was a hell of a lot different from Middle school.
I was only there for 1 year of middle school, but it was enough to tell. The best friends I had in 8th grade were not the best friends I had in high school. The groups of people were different too. I had my group of boys/Imani (Tiger, Charlie, Ben, Matt, Tom Ryan and Imani), artsy/dancers (vano, iszy, lauren, carol, katya, eliza), serious students (nina, holly, eliza, aidan) and there was our new girls trio (iszy, amanda and me). At this point I'm still friends with 6 of them.
Then I got to know Jared, Jamie, Beans and eventually Sam. Still friends with Beans, Jared and Sam. Plus those 6 from before. They're some of the best people I know to this day. We all have our differences, but at this point we've accepted them. I'm just me, and they like me for that.
I also think it's good to mix things up. Meet new people, integrate them etc. Sometimes they just won't get along though no matter what. Kind of like the saying opposites attract. Well maybe so, but I strongly believe that if you don't have something in common, it won't work out. (this doesn't mean you can't be civil though)
Speaking of which, I was recently informed that my good friend's girlfriend compared him to Edward from Twilight. What The Fuck! Noooo. Not okay. Let's be honest. He's nothing like a real guy, so don't ever expect that from your man, ladies please! Men do not sparkle! Unless they happen to be Adam Lambert...Anyway. No! This is wrong. Don't force someone to be anything, but what and who they are.
This bring me back to the 'men like to show not tell' thing. Don't force a guy to tell you all the time. First of all, it's annoying. Second, if you need to hear it all the time, then you're probably insecure. Third, if you can't tell when he's showing you how he feels, you probably don't know him that well, and if you don't know him that well, why would he be showing you much? Guys need to know that there has to be an inital talk, and maybe a talk every so often (by which I mean, not so often) and ladies....pay attention and stop trying to make him into Mr. Darcy or Edward or whoever your ideal male book/movie/tv character. Key word = character. Doesn't exist.
A couple other things, I wrote a long note on facebook, which I will post on my hockey blog, since it has to do with hockey, but you should read it. Might give you some insight into hockey and me. Funny story relating to hockey:
Tonight I received a message from a certain hockey player about his lack of a new years eve. He asked how mine was in return. I was responding, while my mom was looking at the tv guide channel. Suddenly I saw BU vs. BC so I told her to flip to it. I stopped typing to root for BU. It was OT. So I go back to the message when my mom asked if they just said "Gerbe." I told her that's impossible because he's playing professionally now. Suddenly the game ended. A BC player scored the final goal of the beanpot. I yelled damn it then I heard the name, "Gerbe." The hockey player dove onto the ice in celebration and his teammates dove on top. I said it couldn't be, but we'd find out after everyone climbed off him. So it clears and it is indeed, Nathan Gerbe grinning on the ice. I find this funny because it all happened while we were messaging back and forth.
Last thing I promise. Everyone knows I love reading cosmo. It's just a fun, girly thing to do. So I was taking a quiz. The last question was "Circle all that apply." The last statement was, "You are comfortable with the amount of alcohol your man consumes." I laughed. Lets just leave it at that.
Then we picked up Katya and visited Waynflete. We were there for quite awhile doing the rounds. Lorry talked me into leading a poetry workshop for some of the students there. I told her I was changing my major to English and she said "it's about time you realized this is your calling." That made me laugh. It's always nice to go back and catch up with teachers.
It made me think though (again). Waynflete affects you. You can't go there for a significant amount of time and have it not affect you. Waynflete is a way of life. There are good things and bad things about it, just like everything else. We may not like all the people we went to school with, but we're still a community. Highschool was a hell of a lot different from Middle school.
I was only there for 1 year of middle school, but it was enough to tell. The best friends I had in 8th grade were not the best friends I had in high school. The groups of people were different too. I had my group of boys/Imani (Tiger, Charlie, Ben, Matt, Tom Ryan and Imani), artsy/dancers (vano, iszy, lauren, carol, katya, eliza), serious students (nina, holly, eliza, aidan) and there was our new girls trio (iszy, amanda and me). At this point I'm still friends with 6 of them.
Then I got to know Jared, Jamie, Beans and eventually Sam. Still friends with Beans, Jared and Sam. Plus those 6 from before. They're some of the best people I know to this day. We all have our differences, but at this point we've accepted them. I'm just me, and they like me for that.
I also think it's good to mix things up. Meet new people, integrate them etc. Sometimes they just won't get along though no matter what. Kind of like the saying opposites attract. Well maybe so, but I strongly believe that if you don't have something in common, it won't work out. (this doesn't mean you can't be civil though)
Speaking of which, I was recently informed that my good friend's girlfriend compared him to Edward from Twilight. What The Fuck! Noooo. Not okay. Let's be honest. He's nothing like a real guy, so don't ever expect that from your man, ladies please! Men do not sparkle! Unless they happen to be Adam Lambert...Anyway. No! This is wrong. Don't force someone to be anything, but what and who they are.
This bring me back to the 'men like to show not tell' thing. Don't force a guy to tell you all the time. First of all, it's annoying. Second, if you need to hear it all the time, then you're probably insecure. Third, if you can't tell when he's showing you how he feels, you probably don't know him that well, and if you don't know him that well, why would he be showing you much? Guys need to know that there has to be an inital talk, and maybe a talk every so often (by which I mean, not so often) and ladies....pay attention and stop trying to make him into Mr. Darcy or Edward or whoever your ideal male book/movie/tv character. Key word = character. Doesn't exist.
A couple other things, I wrote a long note on facebook, which I will post on my hockey blog, since it has to do with hockey, but you should read it. Might give you some insight into hockey and me. Funny story relating to hockey:
Tonight I received a message from a certain hockey player about his lack of a new years eve. He asked how mine was in return. I was responding, while my mom was looking at the tv guide channel. Suddenly I saw BU vs. BC so I told her to flip to it. I stopped typing to root for BU. It was OT. So I go back to the message when my mom asked if they just said "Gerbe." I told her that's impossible because he's playing professionally now. Suddenly the game ended. A BC player scored the final goal of the beanpot. I yelled damn it then I heard the name, "Gerbe." The hockey player dove onto the ice in celebration and his teammates dove on top. I said it couldn't be, but we'd find out after everyone climbed off him. So it clears and it is indeed, Nathan Gerbe grinning on the ice. I find this funny because it all happened while we were messaging back and forth.
Last thing I promise. Everyone knows I love reading cosmo. It's just a fun, girly thing to do. So I was taking a quiz. The last question was "Circle all that apply." The last statement was, "You are comfortable with the amount of alcohol your man consumes." I laughed. Lets just leave it at that.
Thrown Down - Fleetwood Mac
He fell for her again, she watched it happen
Every day-- day by day
But more important-- night by night
She watched it all come into play
He held her hands, she listened to what he had to say
Monday, January 4, 2010
"Nothing Is Certain"
"Some things are certain"
A little bit too much Lord of the Rings this weekend. There was a weekend long marathon and I watched 2.5 out of 3. I needed to recuperate. Luckily my puppy wasn't too hyper. In fact he was a lot calmer than normal. It was nice.
While we're speaking about tv, Burn Notice returns soon. Have you seen the ads for it? Looks like things between Fiona and Michael are gonna get pretty heated...again. Honestly, I kind of love their relationship. She loves guns, anything that goes boom, and kicking guys asses. Meanwhile Michael can kick ass too, but he's the spy and therefore makes elaborate plans. So yeah, kick ass team.
When it comes to their weird relationship though, wow...2 seasons ago she wanted them to talk about their relationship, but Michael kept backing out. She said something like "be ready to talk after the mission or I'll kick your ass." Needless to say he tried to avoid it at the end and she literally kicked his ass. She beat him up basically...which led to sex of course. Eventually she moved out because he didn't want to commit completely aka he didn't want to put her at risk any more than he had to. So now they're back together? I see more ass kicking of Michael in the future. His mom says a quote that I can't quite remember, but I'll insert it when I see the promo again.
So I would agree with Arwen. For example: I'm certain that I'm getting my belly button pierced. Woo and I'm pretty sure about the tattoo also, but still thinking about it. Would only be a small one.
A little bit too much Lord of the Rings this weekend. There was a weekend long marathon and I watched 2.5 out of 3. I needed to recuperate. Luckily my puppy wasn't too hyper. In fact he was a lot calmer than normal. It was nice.
While we're speaking about tv, Burn Notice returns soon. Have you seen the ads for it? Looks like things between Fiona and Michael are gonna get pretty heated...again. Honestly, I kind of love their relationship. She loves guns, anything that goes boom, and kicking guys asses. Meanwhile Michael can kick ass too, but he's the spy and therefore makes elaborate plans. So yeah, kick ass team.
When it comes to their weird relationship though, wow...2 seasons ago she wanted them to talk about their relationship, but Michael kept backing out. She said something like "be ready to talk after the mission or I'll kick your ass." Needless to say he tried to avoid it at the end and she literally kicked his ass. She beat him up basically...which led to sex of course. Eventually she moved out because he didn't want to commit completely aka he didn't want to put her at risk any more than he had to. So now they're back together? I see more ass kicking of Michael in the future. His mom says a quote that I can't quite remember, but I'll insert it when I see the promo again.
So I would agree with Arwen. For example: I'm certain that I'm getting my belly button pierced. Woo and I'm pretty sure about the tattoo also, but still thinking about it. Would only be a small one.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
For Your Entertainment
"Get ready to shake your ass and feel sexy. That's what the album's really about." - Adam Lambert
Yes I know I've talked about Adam Lambert before. I can't help that I love this song though. It's the kind of song that I listen to while I'm getting ready aka in my underwear. I call it the sex song...because that's what it's about.
I'd be lying if I said that hasn't been on my mind lately. (this is where it gets interesting for you)
There's this preconception that guys think about sex more than girls or want it more than girls. Personally I don't think that's true. I think it's just been a taboo subject for females for so long that it's taking awhile for us to be comfortable enough to talk about it like guys do...but we're not guys, so there are some differences.
(I wrote the part above yesterday, but wasn't sure if I should put it up or not. So today I decided, why not?)
Now...I certainly don't have For Your Entertainment stuck in my head anymore. Just 25 more days until the next full moon though. I'm back into my Michael Buble/Owl City/Colbie Caillat music. Although tonight I came home and rocked out to Atreyu.
So I was thinking, while taking a walk with my puppy today (odd combination I know), sex is almost always reliant on the girl. The girl always has her boundaries. There are some who won't have it until they're married (huge mistake in my opinion), there are those who will have it with many people (either insecure or a pretty free individual, and then there are a bunch more in the middle. Hooking up can be alright. I suppose it depends on where you are with life. I would never recommend it for girls who are virgins though.
I guess there's just one of the many perks of being in a relationship: regular sex. Yup I said it. You have to have an emotional connection, but also that primal urge. Lots of people talk about emotional sex and listening to Michael Buble to set the mood etc. I kind of think that's bull. Sex is about feeling good physically. Not thinking. That can be difficult for women because we think so much, but definitely possible. Once you get past that first time (whether it's first time ever or with a new guy), it usually gets better (one hopes!). Less thought and more feeling comfortable for the woman.
Another interesting thought: I heard somewhere (can't remember where) that the need to pee for a woman after sex is the body's way of flushing out the sperm, but biologically speaking doesn't the female body want to produce and therefore want to keep the sperm? Meanwhile the male wants to spread the seed to make sure the genes are passed on. I suppose that makes sense biologically. Since the guy isn't carrying the baby, he wouldn't necessarily know if the genes belong partly to him. It would be an adequite reason for cheating if we didn't have minds to rationalize with. They make cheating not okay.
_____________
On a separate note, I just saw a preview for a chick flick that looks pretty great. Then I saw it comes out 2 days before valentines day...yeah...no. That's a movie that you go to with your girl friends and then go to dinner and comfort yourselves by complaining about men or your incredibly amazing boyfriend takes you, because that's just how much he loves you. Lets be honest, most guys don't like chick flicks and would rather cut themselves or something. Very few enjoy some of them and only a few more than that are willing to go to one with their girl. I do know a couple like that though! As for me: 1 I don't like to complain about guys or be bitter and I don't have a reason to. 2. I don't have a boyfriend. I guess I'll be waiting until the end of February to see it.
I dunno if you can tell but I'm not a big fan of Valentines day. I like to say it's because it's just a hallmark holiday. It's kind of true, but I've felt this way about it for a very long time. I don't know why. I used to be happy with getting chocolate from my dad (still am), but something happened in Tennessee that changed my opinion of the day...or maybe I started growing up and realized it was a romantic day, not just a chocolate day. I tend to avoid going out that day and eat lots of chocolate, while watching chick flicks and grumble. Last year I came home for that weekend and went to a hockey game, hoping that I would just be able to focus on attractive men. Nope. Maybe sometime my feelings for the day will change. I certainly hope so.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Difficulties
I meant to go to bed a couple of hours ago. I'm exhausted, but I've been thinking about stuff (as usual).
I talked to my parents tonight. Told my mom about New Years. Her only comment made me think. I told her about people vomiting all night and that I didn't get to see the ball in time square drop. I also told her I had wanted to catch up with Luke later at his friend's party, but I didn't feel like I could because I needed to take care of everyone. My mom pointed out that it wasn't actually my job to take care of everyone. Something about if they were going to drink that much, they shouldn't expect me to take care of them.
True there is something to be said about responsibility on their own part, but they're my friends.I can't just leave my best friend lying on a couch with vomit on her clothing and a guy I don't quite trust to take care of her. Just like they wouldn't leave me in the same position either. Even I had to be taken care of a bit that night.
So I guess the question is, where do you draw the line? Do you say "hey, I care about you (this much) and likewise for you, so we'll take care of each other when things get crazy?" I suppose so, but it still won't be the same for everyone...guy friends vs. girl friends, best friend vs. boyfriend, sibling vs. husband etc. They're not always equal.
Thinks about it this way, I would walk all the way to Cape E. for my best friend if she needed me to and I didn't have a car. I wanted to walk to wherever Luke was that night.
How far would you go for those you care about?
I talked to my parents tonight. Told my mom about New Years. Her only comment made me think. I told her about people vomiting all night and that I didn't get to see the ball in time square drop. I also told her I had wanted to catch up with Luke later at his friend's party, but I didn't feel like I could because I needed to take care of everyone. My mom pointed out that it wasn't actually my job to take care of everyone. Something about if they were going to drink that much, they shouldn't expect me to take care of them.
True there is something to be said about responsibility on their own part, but they're my friends.I can't just leave my best friend lying on a couch with vomit on her clothing and a guy I don't quite trust to take care of her. Just like they wouldn't leave me in the same position either. Even I had to be taken care of a bit that night.
So I guess the question is, where do you draw the line? Do you say "hey, I care about you (this much) and likewise for you, so we'll take care of each other when things get crazy?" I suppose so, but it still won't be the same for everyone...guy friends vs. girl friends, best friend vs. boyfriend, sibling vs. husband etc. They're not always equal.
Thinks about it this way, I would walk all the way to Cape E. for my best friend if she needed me to and I didn't have a car. I wanted to walk to wherever Luke was that night.
How far would you go for those you care about?
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