BC

I hope someday they make birth control for men. Control those sperm with a pill! Frankly, I don't enjoy the fact that the pill makes girls gain weight. More gym. Lots more. As you can see I'm back on the pill. Damn annoying little thing.
On the bright side, it makes me less paranoid about getting pregnant. Yay!...not that I have sex enough to really worry about it (boo!)

Bed time now.

Ex-Chocoholic?

I used to love chocolate. I still do, but I rarely have it anymore. Those Godiva chocolates my dad got me for Valentine's Day? Barely touched. Chocolate ice cream? My favorite - Can't remember the last time I had it. Went to Coldstone with Hallie over break, but before that? Can't remember the last time I had ice cream. Occasionally I go to movies and if I have money, I buy popcorn and m&ms. Still, that's not a lot. Then there's the fact that I have lost weight and would rather not gain it back...

I used to eat chocolate whenever I got stressed. I don't know when that stopped. I think it might have been before I got Luca...Maybe he's my new stress reliever. I just take a break and play with him or cuddle with him since cuddly L #1 isn't available very often. Sometimes it's calming just watching him sleep (my dog). It sounds weird, but he's just so adorable. That caring feeling = rise in certain hormones = happy Rosalba.

I might actually get through today...

Stress

I'm on overload right now. I don't even know how I'm going to make it through the day. I think it's mostly in my head. It's just so hard to get past that it makes everything I have to do seem like a bigger deal than it probably is. I'm feeling kind of anemic, which isn't helping. I don't have time to sit down and talk or cry until 4 PM. I just need to make it until then.

I Just Can't Fight This Feeling

This full moon is seemingly more mellow than most. It tends to go in one of two direction. Tonight it's the cuddle on the couch and see where it goes from there type. Doesn't really matter though because neither are happening.

I had a great afternoon with Vano though. We ran errands in his car while listening to dance music, went to eat by the mall and then visited Waynflete. 'Flete has changed so much. My class had the biggest impact on it. We're the reason they build the new theater. We're gone and so many of the teachers have/are going too.

Change

The Pirates are, but I'm glad. I like the team better as a whole without Nate, Tyler Ennis and Mark Mancari. I like those guys, but they take too much away from the rest of the team. The others live in their shadow.

I heard Dineen yelled at Nate yesterday. Apparently he said he would bench him for the rest of the season if he didn't start playing as part of the team. I hadn't noticed that myself so much. To me it seemed like since last season he hasn't trusted himself enough and frequently passed to other players. He used it get in front of the net and makes stuff happen. Then he didn't make the Buffalo team and Tyler Ennis came along and took his light.

Anyway he left for Boston today to play against them tomorrow. I saw him on his way out. He passed me and said hello and I said hi. I knew he was leaving today, but I didn't realize he was leaving at that moment. I would have said good-bye if I had. I wish I had said something. Then I freaked out because I thought he had deleted me from friends on facebook. When I checked again though, that wasn't the case. I highly enjoyed his company. He's very introverted and rightly so. He's been getting so much attention since BC and probably even before that. It's pretty difficult trying to figure out who talks to you for you and who does it because you're an attractive, professional hockey player. At the same time it's his responsibility to be generous with his time and attention with the public. He's good with children, but he could be better with other people too. Most of the fans thought he was cold/distant. He wasn't really with me though. He was nice and I quite enjoyed our conversations. It just takes more effort to get to know an introvert.

So bottom line is that I will miss him terribly. He has the best smile in the world, he's funny and he's normal. Now he's gone. Maybe he'll be back, maybe not. I hope for his sake he's finally made it to Buffalo to start his NHL career.

I will also miss the stoned facial expression that Tyler Ennis always wears. It was hilarious. I'll miss Mark Mancari's constancy and strength on the ice, but neither of them like Nate.
________

I went to see my sister yesterday in Boston. It was pretty fun. We went around shopping. I was exhausted on the way back. I didn't realize until this morning that I was kind of depressed and it had to do with yesterday. How to put it? She's white....no, wait, she thinks she is. She doesn't seem to realize that we're latino and we have latino bodies. She bought into societal pressure about weight. She's not anorexic or bulimic, but skinny. To me it looks unnatural...un-latina. No curves. Just straight. She's also heavily into fashion in a way I'm not. She's judgmental and doesn't really seem to know who she is. She would say "this is ugly" or "these people should never wear this."

So if I seem down, that's why. I didn't really know what to say, so I didn't say anything. I can't tell her what to do or who she is. Afterall, she shares my blood and my stubbornness. She's doing things at a younger age than I did...yet sometimes she says she wants to be like me. She's not though. I know i'm above average when it comes to the attitude of people my age. I know what I want, I have confidence, I know which people make good friends, I don't drink constantly, I never did drugs, I deal with my stress/problems in healthy ways, I eat pretty well, I try to get enough sleep, I knew smoking was stupid and didn't do it for very long. How many people my age do all of these things apply to? Not very many.

© Pixellate

The hardest part is standing back and letting her make her mistakes...some of which I made and learned from and offering advice only when asked. Being an older sibling is a tough job and I don't think our younger siblings appreciate it enough until they're much older...kind of like we all don't appreciate our parents efforts until we're all older. It's tiring and frustrating, but I like it. I think any good eldest sibling would say the same. It's flattering to have someone look up to you and to see them grow up. I do actually enjoy her company. My sister is a good person and I think that going to college will give her a broader perspective of who she can be and hopefully she'll find herself along the way.

Anyway, I didn't realize any of this until I brought Luca home. I sat in the hall and cried, while he curled up in my lap to comfort me. I do not know how I could live without him. He keeps me present and my love and caring for him has heightened my understanding of love and caring in general.

You can say he's just a dog. Just don't say it to me, because he's not to me. He's my baby; the innocent life I am responsible for; my constant reminder of what unconditional love really is.

Sandy Feet

Tonight was interesting. As I was heading home tonight, I stopped at a red light next 2 two young police men going off duty. Well it was on Forest Ave, so you know how long those lights are, especially at night.

I suppose they could see I was upset, so one knocked on my window. I was slightly afraid that they were going to give me a ticket for throwing my phone across the car. Apparently not. The brunette (Nick) asked me if I was okay. Men seem to do that. You're crying and yet they ask if you're okay. Oh well. Anyway I ended up having coffee with them at McDonalds. It was really weird. Have you ever discussed your man issues with young male police officers? Then the blonde one, Aaron, walked me back to my car after and said something like "you seem like a really great girl, you deserve better" and wrote down his number.

Can I just say this weirded me out? Not because he gave me his number, but because his words reminded me of someone elses words a long time ago. Needless to say I threw out the number when I got home.

That was after I went to the beach though. I walked down the street barefoot. Let me tell you. It was cold and wet. I had a flashback to post prom junior year. It was cold and wet that year too, but I don't remember being very cold. Then again, I never am when...

I wrote in the sand, but the tide will probably wash it away before anyone sees.

Time For Miracles

I just finished 2012. Not quite as profound as on the big screen, but still a pretty emotional experience. These kinds of movies always make me think and prioritize. Who would be saved? Who would I want to spend my last moments with? Who would I sacrifice myself for? Or would my own survival instincts take over? Who would I save along with myself? What would happen in the future? Would I choose the ones I love most or the ones I love most who can contribute to the future and survival?

I guess I like to think about it, because I like to know who matters most in my life. It changes slightly every time. Of course the fact that Adam Lambert is part of the soundtrack is even better.

I don't believe in miracles. I believe in making things happen. Sure I make wishes, but I take steps to make them happen. My passion for what I want and believe in fuel my optimism, which keeps me going. I cannot give up on anything I want so badly until I have achieved it or definitively know I can never achieve it. Personally I think it's a good thing.

It keeps me strong. Although I have come to learn that sometimes it's good to be able to rely on someone else.