No More Hiding

I'm not hiding anymore. Someone has to speak up. Maybe I should be that someone.

Cruel

It's never been more clear to me how distant the administrative/business part of the health care system is from the actual care. This was made most evident today when my friend told me she received a call from a certain abortion/women's health clinic. They left a message basically saying they had over charged her $100. She received this call 6 months after her abortion.
She's been through hell and back. She said she felt like she was drowning in blackness. She couldn't feel anything but anger and sadness; the guilt was overwhelming. Nothing improved until September. Then she slowly made progress to be where she is today (or was before hearing the message). She said she had to achieve her goals: finish school, start her career, have a family when she was ready; not just for herself, but for her unborn baby. She said she owed her baby to make her life full, but not even that would ever make up for the decision she made.
Fast forward to the past month: I've never seen her happier. Of course she misses her baby, but she couldn't live in that place of mourning forever. She is surrounded by many very close friends who know all of the above, and still love her. She started dating a really nice guy. And then this.
I'm writing this for her, because she's still too fragile to do it herself. She doesn't deserve to be judged by outsiders who don't what it was like. Not even I can comprehend. No one will ever be able to judge her as harshly as she has judged herself.
So here I am sticking up for her and expressing my own anger at insensitivity of the administrative portion of this business. 6 months later. The very same month of her now non-existent due date. December 17th.
Who in the world would really want that money anyway?
She certainly doesn't.
There is no price for making this better.
Now she has to relive it.
And when that check comes, she has to see the man who disappeared after the abortion (after promising not to) to give him his half.
The whole situation is unfair, but this is just cruel.

22

I always like to reflect on what I've learned from the things I've been through in the past year right before my birthday.
This year I could write a book about it.
I won't thought. I don't need to go through it again.
No one should ever have to experience that.

I try not to dwell though.
I really don't these days.
I'm moving forward.
It's a slow process.

I'm so thankful to have all the people in my life lately (who know everything).
I honestly have the best girl friends in the world and I love them so so so much.
And my boys, oh my boys, who have been there for me in a way that even the girls have struggled with.
And of course my family, for whom, I'm sure, this was hardest on (after myself). My dad said having a child is  kind of like having your heart walking around in public completely vulnerable. I can't imagine how tough it must be to watch and let life happen. Not looking forward to that part of parenthood.

I'm not sure what to expect from 22.

• Some heartache of the man variety might be nice, although I'd much rather something work out of course. The reason I say this is because I'd like to have the chance to stick it out instead of running away (physically disappearing or pretending to be a super boring person so the other person leaves first) even if I get my heart broken.

• More creativity within the worlds of music and art. Brandon and I are starting a band. I'm incredibly nervous, but psyched at the same time. I need to make more time for my creativity.

• The birth of my friend's baby/Guess who's throwing the baby shower?! Me!

• Other unexpected surprises both good and bad. I think I'm up to the challenge either way.

Direction

One year ago today (it was actually a Wednesday), my life changed direction drastically. I didn't know it back then, but I knew he was special from the moment I saw him leaning against his motorcycle. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a romantic gesture.
This is an appreciation to one of the most amazing people I've ever met who positively influenced my life and reminded me that ultimately I'm the only one who can figure out what is best for me and what path I should follow.
The past 14 months have been the hardest of my entire life, but I was able to survive, and work toward having the life I want, because I experienced the strength of his own mentality.
I think I might have shattered otherwise.
I'm not fine, but I'm getting there and I'm following the path that I know is right for me (at least for right now. I know the definition of right could change at any time).

So, thank you B.
Sometime soon when I have more time I will thank you personally.

Maternal Instinct

There is nothing stronger than maternal instinct.
It's a bond, that once formed, is almost impossible to break.
Once a mother, always a mother.

Confidence

Confidence is strength and power and beauty

Heart and Soul

If you don't have a heart, how can you have a soul?

I've been wondering.

I thought I lost my heart on June 6th and thereby my soul as well. I just couldn't bring myself to care about or love anyone else.

Turns out it was hiding in the same place it's been for a year and a half.

I have a soul. Yay!

Time to move forward.

Onward

Some one recently remarked on how little I write here anymore.
It's true.
It's not that I don't have anything to say.
I have a lot to say, but it all revolves around a controversial issue that I'm not willing to be an internet martyr for.
I just don't really care about other opinions on the subject, especially those who know nothing about it, and there are a lot people who think they do, but really don't.
I don't have time for such things.
I'm just trying to live my life.

Speaking of which, my friend commented on how I'm mentally 34 these days.
I feel it.
The past year has been a succession of battles that have left me feeling worn.
It's not a bad thing though.
I'm stronger now.
I'm a hell of a lot wiser too.

I don't regret any choices I've made, because it all led here.
Well I semi regret the choice I made on June 6th, but nothing else.
I do regret hurting various people along the way.

I can't change the past.
I can decide to make the present and future what I want it to be though.
That's what I'm working on.

December 17

Think of the most terrifying, topsy turvy, gravity defying roller coaster and multiply it by 20...maybe 30.

That's been my life since Thursday, May 26; really since the night before.
It all became reality on Thursday morning though.

I've been on a roller coaster ride from hell ever since. It just keeps getting crazier; sudden drops leave me feeling sick and the adrenaline expended leaves me exhausted. There have been high moments, low moments and moments where the ride leveled out. It seems like a lot of work for a roller coaster ride, and I feel like I've done all of it for nothing. I won't get to see how it ends. Not yet anyway. Sometime within the next 10 years I'll get a chance to finish it, but I'll have to start for the beginning.

I'll be ready next time I hope...or as ready as I can be; I mean how ready can you be for a hellish roller coaster? It's been a test for sure. Love, support and a loyal dog have gotten me through this round.

Having to trust someone completely beside my parents, trusting him to help me, trusting him enough to tell him my deepest feelings, insecurities and thoughts and then trusting him to stay no matter how ugly it got...well it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Has he been perfect? Not even close. Could he have done a lot better? Hell yes, but we're both doing the best we can and learning as we go.
I'm only this hard on my parents, and that's because you expect the best from the best, or I do anyway. So I've raised my expectations of him and he's done a very good job of trying to meet them. I hope I still feel the way I feel now about him after this is over.

The most amazing thing (second most amazing actually) is that I realized my birth mother really did love me. That's a huge life changing realization, because until now my relationships have been affected by me thinking she abandoned me and didn't care. She did what was best for me.

Also aliens aren't so scary anymore.

I wish I could have said everything as it is, but I can't.

I'll leave you with a date to ponder. December 17th.

Muse

I have a muse.
He's not my inspiration (I inspire myself), but he takes my passion for my own creativity to another level.
I'm really sad that he's going to be so far for 9 weeks, because I felt like we were making some progress; hanging out and having those conversation about how we live our lives.
I don't know what else to say, but I'm going to miss him.

Hey There Stranger

I know it's been awhile.
I've been living life the way I want to and enjoying it.
Unfortunately I feel a little too judged by people who shouldn't be so judgmental, so I don't share as much as I used to.
Occasionally it makes me sad and a little angry, but mostly disappointed, because friends and family are not there to judge, but to accept and love unconditionally.

I've taken 2 big steps forward.
1. (and most importantly) I have applied to MECA
2. (because men are less central these days) I have begun to open up to the Photographer about my adoption and my feelings about it. He's the man I trust most who isn't family. I give him a hard time, but he's one of the people I respect and care about the most. He's an inspiration to my creativity in both writing and photography.

But the real reason I made this blog entry is because I just found a few poems in my Writing folder. I don't really remember writing them, so when I read them, it was like reading someone else's writing for the first time. I was amazed and the beauty of the words and lines and overall picture. Some are sad, but all are beautifully written. I'll post the only one that is finished tomorrow.

Punk For Life

Last weekend I watched SLC Punk.
It made me wonder if it's possible to be punk for life.
According SLC, not really, but kind of.
He gives up the clothes, punk shows, alcohol, drugs, parties, anarchy, dirty language etc, but becomes a lawyer, because he realizes he can create more havoc from within the system than by trying to destroy it from the outside.
I've never been much for anarchy myself.
I believe in freedom to be myself, to do what I want when I want and if you don't like it then, as Ryan Miller would say, "I don't give a...expletive."
I don't always dress the part, I have a couple of retail jobs that require me to dress "decently," but that doesn't change my mentality.
That 'I'll-rough-you-up-if-you-mess-with-me-or-the-people-I-care-about-and-if-you-don't-like-how-I-live-my-life-then-fuck-you' mentality.

I'm not saying I don't care what people think. I do care about opinions, just not their opinions on how I live or should live my own life. You'll never be me; you'll never know exactly what it's like to be me and make the decisions I have made. The same is true for me in regard to you.

So maybe I'll always be a spirited punk on the inside, just not on the outside. Inside is what counts anyway.

~~~~~

Last night I had one of the favorite conversation ever with the Photographer. Okay well almost all of my memories with him are on my favorite memories list, but this one was even better. Somehow we ended up talking about being put into place. Neither of us would ever let anyone put us in our place and there's no such thing anyway. You just go where life takes you. He pointed out that people think they know what they want, but usually don't really want it and we just do the best we can.

It made me smile, because I was thinking about that yesterday and he said my thought out loud.

It was different, because I didn't care what he thought anymore. I mean, I care, but not about what I have to say. If he agrees, that's awesome. If not, oh well. He also said something about how I was one of the few people who talked back to him and didn't completely "respect" him. I'm pretty sure he was joking, but I took it as a compliment. I give him shit about things he says, because I care about him. It's true with anyone I care about.

Back in October was the closest I ever came to believing in a soul mate.
In November I squashed that thought when he broke it off with me.
Now I'm fighting to keep it squashed down.

I will never believe in some grand design or that our lives are predestined, but I think two personalities can be a beautiful fit.

I'm not saying that some sort of relationship with someone else can't be amazing or work out permanently. It's just different.

I guess he's one of the few people in my life who can just be in the moment and I love that.

I really don't want to think too much about the future unless it has to do with MECA.

I have no regrets, I'm doing what I feel is right, and it seems to be working out.

Labels

Everything (in regard to relationships and the Psych Grad Student and even the Photographer) seems so much clearer right now.
There are still a few details to work out, but I think I have handled the situation with the Psych Grad pretty well.
I like him. He likes me.
We both felt way too much pressure from people around us and each other as a result of a couple of stupid labels.
Who needs them?
I was trying to be what I thought he/society wanted me to be as a girlfriend, and he was trying to be what he thought I/society wanted him to be.
The truth is that every one is different and so their relationships will be to. What works for one doesn't work for another. We have to make our own rules, go at our own pace, do what feels right to us. We shouldn't care what other people think we should or shouldn't be doing or care about what point in the relationship we should be at.
I don't care what you think about how I live my life. As long as I'm happy with it that's what matters.
Ironically we were more attracted to each other (and less stressed) when we both felt no pressure to be anything except ourselves.

I'm just gonna be happy and do my thing.
Also, 11 days until my next tattoo. So excited!

Simply Put

I've been having trouble finding words lately.
I cross everything out, because it's just too much.
Simplicity.

There's a lot that I'm not sure about.
I'll figure it out as I go...or not (and I'm okay with that).
I just want to experience every moment to the highest degree, so I never have any regrets.
I want to be the one to make myself happy.
I am what I am. That's enough.
I won't live up or down to your expectations, but I will live up to my own.
I will love unconditionally even if my heart continues to be broken.
I want to live in complete honesty.
I will not play games.
I will appreciate all of the good moments I've had.

6 Months

In 2 hours it will be 6 months from my birthday.
I have mixed feelings about it.
On the one hand the fall was hell, because things were so bad with Nana.
On the other hand, there were great moments, and I was the happiest I had been in a long time.
The photographer was in my life and everyone could see the effect he had on me. I guess you could probably see it last Friday and Saturday as well. I glowed and I was full of life...everyone said so.
He's the only reason the fall wasn't completely horrible.

So much has changed since then though.
I make myself happy now.
I make myself glow.

Today I got my tattoo.
I love it.
The best part was walking back to my car knowing that I had done it all by myself. I didn't need a man to hold my hand through the pain. It wasn't too painful. Some parts hurt more than others. Some parts didn't hurt at all.
I had a huge adrenaline rush, which still hasn't faded completely, but more importantly, I felt strong.

The starfish will hurt more, because it's going over my spine, but I'm not afraid.
Bring it.

And as far as men go, I've put up with enough of their shit. I've come to realize that it doesn't matter whether they're the "nice guys" or the "bad boys." They all do shitty things when they get scared.
I might have put up with it in the past, but...
Well remember the girl who punched her best friend in the nose, because her friend still hummed a song she hated one too many times?
Yeah, she's back, and she's not cutting anyone slack anymore.

I'm not saying you have to be perfect.
No such thing.
Just do your best, don't let your fears take over and make you hurt other people and you'll be good in my book.
No bloody noses.

Although to be honest, I didn't actually mean to hit her.

Tattoos and Judaism

Everyone wanted tattoos in middle school and high school. I never did. I did want a lip ring, but not enough to consider it. Then I thought I wanted to be a psychologist and any visible piercings or tattoos were out the window. Out of sight, out of mind.
I don't remember when I started thinking about getting one. It just kind of grew in my mind and then it was May. Then my personal life went to hell and I forgot again.
About a week ago everything became crystal clear...well almost everything.
Until tonight I have been torn. I have been known to be more conservative than my mother when it comes to Judaism. I like some of the more traditional prayer melodies and more Hebrew included in the service, but I also believe the Torah is like a Fairytale book with a few useful moral themes woven throughout. I don't take it literally and I don't follow rules strictly. What I love most about being a Jew is being able to question everything, even God. I also love the fact that we don't go out and try to convert or "save" people.
As my mother says, Judaism is a culture as well as a religion.
It's about community.
It's about helping those in need.
It's about peace.
It's about appreciating what you have.
This is my Judaism.

But still, it's a widely held belief that Jews should not be "marked."

"You shall not make gashes in your flesh for the dead, or incise any marks on yourselves: I am the Lord" (Leviticus 19:28)

Back in the day it was common for non Jews to cut, burn etc. themselves as part of the mourning process as well as inscribe their gods images into their skin. I'm sure I don't need to point out the whole only one God thing in Judaism.
So how I have decided to interpret this is that cutting or other hurtful self inflicted marks are bad whether out of mourning or any other reason. It's just not healthy. Then the second part means that markings that represent other deities isn't okay, and it just doesn't make sense if you're Jewish anyway.
So my tattoos are fine.
Tomorrow I'm getting Chai, which means life in Hebrew above my ankle. I think later in time I will have the star of David added around it, but without the circle surrounding it.
I'm all about life. I've been close to death more than once. Most recently while watching my grandmother decline and then seeing her take her last breaths. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to witness, but it makes me appreciate life even more.
I want it on my body, to remind me of how important it is to live every day the best I can, so I have no regrets when I'm taking my own last breaths. Judaism is a celebration of life and hebrew is incredibly beautiful, so what better form to put it in?
My second tattoo is going to be a starfish. Obviously I don't worship starfish. It started as a nickname, but it came to mean more to me. Starfish are known for their ability to regenerate their arms. To me that represents resilience. Resilience is a necessary skill to survive and have a full life. (Just ask my dad. He wrote a book on it.) There's no such thing as an easy life.
So these are the tattoos that I could never regret, and I believe they are not in conflict with my religion...and I really don't care if you think they are.

L'Chaim!
To Life!

Verbal Marks

Everyone who enters your life leaves some sort of mark.
Today I realized this after I thought "Efff youuu!" It's a phrase the Psych Grad Student uses jokingly and now I hear his voice saying it in my head all the time.
Later I was walking my dog and I said something to him about going to the bathroom. I realized it sounded exactly like something the Psych Grad Student would say to his dog.

Freedom of the Now

I find myself clear headed and a bit confused these days.
Some things are clearer than they used to be.
Some things are perfectly clear.
Some are more muddled.

I'm not really worried about it.

That's life.
It's a chaotic mess that we try to control.
Why bother?
Why worry?
Why do we have to control everything?

I don't want to.
I don't want to be compelled to.
I want to live in the now.
I want to experience everything that is happening now.
It's so freeing.

I don't want to plan out the next 5 years.
I don't want to miss living my life now, because I'm too focused on planning where I want to be in the future.

Do I have goals?
Yes.
I want to graduate from MECA
I want to do what I love, photography.

I'll get there.
I'll make it happen.
For the first time, I'm sure of what I want to study and excited to do it.

Now that it's happening, no one, no man, absolutely no one can take that away from me.

There's my clarity.

I'll be honest, it only became perfectly clear after the Psychology Grad Student broke up with me.
I was sad, depressed and a little angry, but I was still clear on the goals and dreams stated above.
I was still just as excited for that.
I still am just as excited.

Back in September I thought, 'why does something have to go wrong, when something else is finally going right in my life? Why does my grandmother have to be dying, when I finally have this amazing man in my life.'
~
I remember the day he and I had our first "date" over coffee...well more like tea. I visited her for a bit, then told her I had to go meet him. I believe that's the happiest I saw her since she started going down hill and even to her death. She lit up.
~
The point is, now I'm thinking 'Maybe some things aren't working out, but I finally feel in sync with my life and like more is going well. I lost a friend either permanently or temporarily, who knows, and I was dumped by a man I really liked, but I have purpose, I'm generating my own happiness despite all of that and I'm beginning to resolve the complicated mess of relationships I've had within the past 2 years.'

The hardest part is facing the fact that I covered up my feelings for the Photographer and in some small way, even though I didn't mean for it to, it affected my relationship with the Psych Grad Student.

Friday I realized the feelings I had for the Photographer back in September, October and November were still there...exactly the same.

People have the tendency to romanticize there ex's personalities especially when the current love life isn't going so well. I figured that's what I had done as well. I slandered his name to my friends and made myself believe it.
Well I was wrong...and right.
Turns out he's just as amazing as I remembered.
Turns out, he's even more attractive than I remembered.
Turns out, he must have felt something too.

I felt like a bright beacon of light, but not because of him.
I've had that feeling since Tuesday or Wednesday.
He just...inspired it even more.
I was happy and open in a way that I haven't been since the ordeal with Nana.

Since Monday, I've decided not to over think things.
I don't want to miss out on everything I'm feeling and seeing right now.
Sometimes we think too hard, and try too hard not to make our past mistakes, but we're thinking so hard that we don't even realize we're making those same mistakes and others as well anyway.

I'm an intelligent woman.
I once wrote in a blog post (that I deleted after the Photographer disappeared from my life in November) that "you know you're on the right path when your head and heart agree."
That doesn't only apply to relationships.
That applies to all aspects of life.
They agree on photography.
They agree on MECA.

As for the Photographer, they're still deciding.
I know I don't want him to disappear from my life again.
Whether that means being friends or something else, I don't know, and most of the time I don't really care, because that's too far into the future to see.
What I know is what I feel right now.
Content and sleepy.
I suppose it's time for bed.

Sick Boy

If you don't know what song the title is a reference to, then you probably won't understand what comes after.
I want a sick boy.
I had a sick boy.

Sick boys are not "bad boys" per se. Sick boys are good guys in the punk style.

I wish I had known then, what I know now, because things might have turned out differently. They might not have, but at least I would be satisfied we had both done everything we could.

I don't think I really got over him
I don't think I wanted to.

Punk.
I miss it.

The Ins and Outs of Exs

Who says you can't be friends with your ex's?
I know I wrote a post contemplating it once.
Currently I'm friends with 3 of mine. I text with one of them frequently. I text and occasionally talk on facebook with another one. The third is a little more complicated, but it's going to get figured out.
Right now I know I want to be friends with the Photographer.
I had a talk with the Psychology Grad last night (face to face). I suggested taking it back and going slowly. I don't know if it will work. He doesn't know if it will work. He wants to try....
But I'm not sure if I want to...Surprise!
He lost quite a bit of my trust and respect in the way that he did it.

I'm going to do the Miranda thing and write down the pros and cons...when I get time.
Right now I'm off to work.
Workin' it out, one problem at a time.

But for the first time since Saturday morning, I really feel like smiling and being happy.
Shit happens.
In the end we have to make ourselves happy.
We're human. We hurt each other even though we don't always mean to.
It takes a small person to hold a grudge.
It takes a big person to forgive.
So I'm going to be as happy on my way to work as I was 2 or 3 weeks ago
...and I don't need a boyfriend to feel it!