Punk For Life

Last weekend I watched SLC Punk.
It made me wonder if it's possible to be punk for life.
According SLC, not really, but kind of.
He gives up the clothes, punk shows, alcohol, drugs, parties, anarchy, dirty language etc, but becomes a lawyer, because he realizes he can create more havoc from within the system than by trying to destroy it from the outside.
I've never been much for anarchy myself.
I believe in freedom to be myself, to do what I want when I want and if you don't like it then, as Ryan Miller would say, "I don't give a...expletive."
I don't always dress the part, I have a couple of retail jobs that require me to dress "decently," but that doesn't change my mentality.
That 'I'll-rough-you-up-if-you-mess-with-me-or-the-people-I-care-about-and-if-you-don't-like-how-I-live-my-life-then-fuck-you' mentality.

I'm not saying I don't care what people think. I do care about opinions, just not their opinions on how I live or should live my own life. You'll never be me; you'll never know exactly what it's like to be me and make the decisions I have made. The same is true for me in regard to you.

So maybe I'll always be a spirited punk on the inside, just not on the outside. Inside is what counts anyway.

~~~~~

Last night I had one of the favorite conversation ever with the Photographer. Okay well almost all of my memories with him are on my favorite memories list, but this one was even better. Somehow we ended up talking about being put into place. Neither of us would ever let anyone put us in our place and there's no such thing anyway. You just go where life takes you. He pointed out that people think they know what they want, but usually don't really want it and we just do the best we can.

It made me smile, because I was thinking about that yesterday and he said my thought out loud.

It was different, because I didn't care what he thought anymore. I mean, I care, but not about what I have to say. If he agrees, that's awesome. If not, oh well. He also said something about how I was one of the few people who talked back to him and didn't completely "respect" him. I'm pretty sure he was joking, but I took it as a compliment. I give him shit about things he says, because I care about him. It's true with anyone I care about.

Back in October was the closest I ever came to believing in a soul mate.
In November I squashed that thought when he broke it off with me.
Now I'm fighting to keep it squashed down.

I will never believe in some grand design or that our lives are predestined, but I think two personalities can be a beautiful fit.

I'm not saying that some sort of relationship with someone else can't be amazing or work out permanently. It's just different.

I guess he's one of the few people in my life who can just be in the moment and I love that.

I really don't want to think too much about the future unless it has to do with MECA.

I have no regrets, I'm doing what I feel is right, and it seems to be working out.

Tattoos and Judaism

Everyone wanted tattoos in middle school and high school. I never did. I did want a lip ring, but not enough to consider it. Then I thought I wanted to be a psychologist and any visible piercings or tattoos were out the window. Out of sight, out of mind.
I don't remember when I started thinking about getting one. It just kind of grew in my mind and then it was May. Then my personal life went to hell and I forgot again.
About a week ago everything became crystal clear...well almost everything.
Until tonight I have been torn. I have been known to be more conservative than my mother when it comes to Judaism. I like some of the more traditional prayer melodies and more Hebrew included in the service, but I also believe the Torah is like a Fairytale book with a few useful moral themes woven throughout. I don't take it literally and I don't follow rules strictly. What I love most about being a Jew is being able to question everything, even God. I also love the fact that we don't go out and try to convert or "save" people.
As my mother says, Judaism is a culture as well as a religion.
It's about community.
It's about helping those in need.
It's about peace.
It's about appreciating what you have.
This is my Judaism.

But still, it's a widely held belief that Jews should not be "marked."

"You shall not make gashes in your flesh for the dead, or incise any marks on yourselves: I am the Lord" (Leviticus 19:28)

Back in the day it was common for non Jews to cut, burn etc. themselves as part of the mourning process as well as inscribe their gods images into their skin. I'm sure I don't need to point out the whole only one God thing in Judaism.
So how I have decided to interpret this is that cutting or other hurtful self inflicted marks are bad whether out of mourning or any other reason. It's just not healthy. Then the second part means that markings that represent other deities isn't okay, and it just doesn't make sense if you're Jewish anyway.
So my tattoos are fine.
Tomorrow I'm getting Chai, which means life in Hebrew above my ankle. I think later in time I will have the star of David added around it, but without the circle surrounding it.
I'm all about life. I've been close to death more than once. Most recently while watching my grandmother decline and then seeing her take her last breaths. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to witness, but it makes me appreciate life even more.
I want it on my body, to remind me of how important it is to live every day the best I can, so I have no regrets when I'm taking my own last breaths. Judaism is a celebration of life and hebrew is incredibly beautiful, so what better form to put it in?
My second tattoo is going to be a starfish. Obviously I don't worship starfish. It started as a nickname, but it came to mean more to me. Starfish are known for their ability to regenerate their arms. To me that represents resilience. Resilience is a necessary skill to survive and have a full life. (Just ask my dad. He wrote a book on it.) There's no such thing as an easy life.
So these are the tattoos that I could never regret, and I believe they are not in conflict with my religion...and I really don't care if you think they are.

L'Chaim!
To Life!