Onward

Some one recently remarked on how little I write here anymore.
It's true.
It's not that I don't have anything to say.
I have a lot to say, but it all revolves around a controversial issue that I'm not willing to be an internet martyr for.
I just don't really care about other opinions on the subject, especially those who know nothing about it, and there are a lot people who think they do, but really don't.
I don't have time for such things.
I'm just trying to live my life.

Speaking of which, my friend commented on how I'm mentally 34 these days.
I feel it.
The past year has been a succession of battles that have left me feeling worn.
It's not a bad thing though.
I'm stronger now.
I'm a hell of a lot wiser too.

I don't regret any choices I've made, because it all led here.
Well I semi regret the choice I made on June 6th, but nothing else.
I do regret hurting various people along the way.

I can't change the past.
I can decide to make the present and future what I want it to be though.
That's what I'm working on.

December 17

Think of the most terrifying, topsy turvy, gravity defying roller coaster and multiply it by 20...maybe 30.

That's been my life since Thursday, May 26; really since the night before.
It all became reality on Thursday morning though.

I've been on a roller coaster ride from hell ever since. It just keeps getting crazier; sudden drops leave me feeling sick and the adrenaline expended leaves me exhausted. There have been high moments, low moments and moments where the ride leveled out. It seems like a lot of work for a roller coaster ride, and I feel like I've done all of it for nothing. I won't get to see how it ends. Not yet anyway. Sometime within the next 10 years I'll get a chance to finish it, but I'll have to start for the beginning.

I'll be ready next time I hope...or as ready as I can be; I mean how ready can you be for a hellish roller coaster? It's been a test for sure. Love, support and a loyal dog have gotten me through this round.

Having to trust someone completely beside my parents, trusting him to help me, trusting him enough to tell him my deepest feelings, insecurities and thoughts and then trusting him to stay no matter how ugly it got...well it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Has he been perfect? Not even close. Could he have done a lot better? Hell yes, but we're both doing the best we can and learning as we go.
I'm only this hard on my parents, and that's because you expect the best from the best, or I do anyway. So I've raised my expectations of him and he's done a very good job of trying to meet them. I hope I still feel the way I feel now about him after this is over.

The most amazing thing (second most amazing actually) is that I realized my birth mother really did love me. That's a huge life changing realization, because until now my relationships have been affected by me thinking she abandoned me and didn't care. She did what was best for me.

Also aliens aren't so scary anymore.

I wish I could have said everything as it is, but I can't.

I'll leave you with a date to ponder. December 17th.

Muse

I have a muse.
He's not my inspiration (I inspire myself), but he takes my passion for my own creativity to another level.
I'm really sad that he's going to be so far for 9 weeks, because I felt like we were making some progress; hanging out and having those conversation about how we live our lives.
I don't know what else to say, but I'm going to miss him.

Hey There Stranger

I know it's been awhile.
I've been living life the way I want to and enjoying it.
Unfortunately I feel a little too judged by people who shouldn't be so judgmental, so I don't share as much as I used to.
Occasionally it makes me sad and a little angry, but mostly disappointed, because friends and family are not there to judge, but to accept and love unconditionally.

I've taken 2 big steps forward.
1. (and most importantly) I have applied to MECA
2. (because men are less central these days) I have begun to open up to the Photographer about my adoption and my feelings about it. He's the man I trust most who isn't family. I give him a hard time, but he's one of the people I respect and care about the most. He's an inspiration to my creativity in both writing and photography.

But the real reason I made this blog entry is because I just found a few poems in my Writing folder. I don't really remember writing them, so when I read them, it was like reading someone else's writing for the first time. I was amazed and the beauty of the words and lines and overall picture. Some are sad, but all are beautifully written. I'll post the only one that is finished tomorrow.

Punk For Life

Last weekend I watched SLC Punk.
It made me wonder if it's possible to be punk for life.
According SLC, not really, but kind of.
He gives up the clothes, punk shows, alcohol, drugs, parties, anarchy, dirty language etc, but becomes a lawyer, because he realizes he can create more havoc from within the system than by trying to destroy it from the outside.
I've never been much for anarchy myself.
I believe in freedom to be myself, to do what I want when I want and if you don't like it then, as Ryan Miller would say, "I don't give a...expletive."
I don't always dress the part, I have a couple of retail jobs that require me to dress "decently," but that doesn't change my mentality.
That 'I'll-rough-you-up-if-you-mess-with-me-or-the-people-I-care-about-and-if-you-don't-like-how-I-live-my-life-then-fuck-you' mentality.

I'm not saying I don't care what people think. I do care about opinions, just not their opinions on how I live or should live my own life. You'll never be me; you'll never know exactly what it's like to be me and make the decisions I have made. The same is true for me in regard to you.

So maybe I'll always be a spirited punk on the inside, just not on the outside. Inside is what counts anyway.

~~~~~

Last night I had one of the favorite conversation ever with the Photographer. Okay well almost all of my memories with him are on my favorite memories list, but this one was even better. Somehow we ended up talking about being put into place. Neither of us would ever let anyone put us in our place and there's no such thing anyway. You just go where life takes you. He pointed out that people think they know what they want, but usually don't really want it and we just do the best we can.

It made me smile, because I was thinking about that yesterday and he said my thought out loud.

It was different, because I didn't care what he thought anymore. I mean, I care, but not about what I have to say. If he agrees, that's awesome. If not, oh well. He also said something about how I was one of the few people who talked back to him and didn't completely "respect" him. I'm pretty sure he was joking, but I took it as a compliment. I give him shit about things he says, because I care about him. It's true with anyone I care about.

Back in October was the closest I ever came to believing in a soul mate.
In November I squashed that thought when he broke it off with me.
Now I'm fighting to keep it squashed down.

I will never believe in some grand design or that our lives are predestined, but I think two personalities can be a beautiful fit.

I'm not saying that some sort of relationship with someone else can't be amazing or work out permanently. It's just different.

I guess he's one of the few people in my life who can just be in the moment and I love that.

I really don't want to think too much about the future unless it has to do with MECA.

I have no regrets, I'm doing what I feel is right, and it seems to be working out.

Labels

Everything (in regard to relationships and the Psych Grad Student and even the Photographer) seems so much clearer right now.
There are still a few details to work out, but I think I have handled the situation with the Psych Grad pretty well.
I like him. He likes me.
We both felt way too much pressure from people around us and each other as a result of a couple of stupid labels.
Who needs them?
I was trying to be what I thought he/society wanted me to be as a girlfriend, and he was trying to be what he thought I/society wanted him to be.
The truth is that every one is different and so their relationships will be to. What works for one doesn't work for another. We have to make our own rules, go at our own pace, do what feels right to us. We shouldn't care what other people think we should or shouldn't be doing or care about what point in the relationship we should be at.
I don't care what you think about how I live my life. As long as I'm happy with it that's what matters.
Ironically we were more attracted to each other (and less stressed) when we both felt no pressure to be anything except ourselves.

I'm just gonna be happy and do my thing.
Also, 11 days until my next tattoo. So excited!

Simply Put

I've been having trouble finding words lately.
I cross everything out, because it's just too much.
Simplicity.

There's a lot that I'm not sure about.
I'll figure it out as I go...or not (and I'm okay with that).
I just want to experience every moment to the highest degree, so I never have any regrets.
I want to be the one to make myself happy.
I am what I am. That's enough.
I won't live up or down to your expectations, but I will live up to my own.
I will love unconditionally even if my heart continues to be broken.
I want to live in complete honesty.
I will not play games.
I will appreciate all of the good moments I've had.