Growing Up

Some of us grow up faster than others.
Some of us have to grow up faster than others.
Some of us grow up faster in some ways and not in others.
Some of us never grow up at all.

They all suck some point along the line.
I would hate to be the last one though.

And despite what anyone says, there is a huge difference between being 21 and 20.
I witnessed it tonight, and it made me sad.
Of course age isn't the only contribution.

Tonight I stood in a room with friends and I was the only sober one with responsibilities and worries on my mind i.e. work, family, dog, finances.
Only my best friend seemed to notice and she waited with me until my ride came to pick me up.

Conclusion?
Growing up sucks, but it's better than not growing up at all.
Also best friends make everything a little bit better.

Eternity

Life is weird.
It occurred to me today that everything that is physical ends, but some things are more profound than physicality. Some things like souls, love etc. I don't think love ends with death. I think it endures.

It's unfortunate that nana will soon be gone, but as someone important to me pointed out, she's going to a better place, and more importantly she'll be with her husband one again. One thing I've wondered is how you manage to live so many years without the one you love.
She told me it was very hard at first, but then she realized that "the lord would take me when he's good and ready and so I will live as best I can until that moment." She certainly has.

Today I cried quite a bit, not because I was sad, but because I was happy. It's more than happiness though...it's something that can't be described. It's because one man has changed my life. I don't even think he knows how important he is to me although I try to tell him.

He's the only one to have ever broken through all of my defenses. The only one who I can cry in front of without feeling vulnerable, because I know he will protect me. The only one who has never yelled at me or gotten mad at me. The only one who has never intentionally hurt me. I'm sure there are other onlys, but I don't need to list them all.

I wish everyone knew something so great.
I hope it doesn't end.
This is the first year I have everything I really want for Christmas.
I'm happy.

Holiday Spirit

I haven't noticed many people in the holiday spirit this year.
I don't know if it's the lack of snow (mum assures me this weather is relatively normal for this time of year).
Some people are miserable, some are sad, some are trying to drink their problems around and a very few of us are really happy and content with our lives.
It seems like we've all be focusing on what we don't have lately. I think it's partially the result of our consumer society (we won't be happy until we have everything we want and there's always more to want) and partially our negative outlooks (the world is shitty).
I'm not prone to negativity, but I did have a small bout Wednesday night (also due to a bad case of PMS). Luckily, I woke up the next morning feeling fine. Thank goodness for my optimism!

I figure, I have good friends, a good man who really cares about me (and I don't have to prove that to anyone by making it official on facebook), the most amazing puppy, enough money for the moment, a comfortable home and good parents, a beautiful body and personality, and I'm well on my way to figuring out what I really want to do with my life....so why complain?

It's time to finish up exams, (I don't stress, because what's the point? Stressing only makes you more likely to do worse) bake holiday cookies and spend time with friends and family.

Judgement

I just wrote an entry based on my anger, so I had to delete it.
Here is the new one without anger, but perhaps with a bit of disappointment and sadness in the direction of some people and hope and appreciation in the direction of a very few others.

The past two months have changed me for the better. It's obvious, or I thought it was. Ultimately it doesn't matter if you think I have or not, but depending on who you are, I'm disappointed to see that you haven't been paying attention to it.

So judgment...
First I was judged by a certain photographer. He judged me too fast. This helped me to see more clearly where I am emotionally distant. It also helped me to see that I couldn't open up to him, because he was not the one I truly loved.

Then I decided to go back to the one I love, because he had shown me that he had changed. I knew everyone who had been involved as second, third and fourth parties would judge me and my decision.

I allowed one friend in particular to protest it for 15 minutes straight on the phone. I listened to my closest brother's doubt and I witnessed the extreme disbelief in my own parents faces. I received warnings from many others. I listened to it all and did so with patience.

I suppose I can't expect everyone to understand; Not everyone has been in my position; not everyone has been in love.

You don't have to be able to understand to accept it or to see the changes I've gone through.

I'm not a child anymore. I'm not a teenager. I'm an adult. I'm a woman.
There comes a time when parents are no longer the first in line and a partner is. This doesn't demean what they have done and how they've helped through the years or to say that they aren't still very important. Our "girls" and our "boys" remain constant, but there comes a time when they don't get to know everything and must accept our significant others (unless caught cheating or unless undecided of course) and other life decisions as they are.

I know that my heart and head are in balance. I've never felt more right. I expect everyone to accept that. The fact that I say he has proven himself to be the most trustworthy and loyal person I know should be enough for everyone else.

That shouldn't be a slap in the face to anyone. It's not to say I don't trust other people greatly. I do...and I'm grateful for the friendships.

The biggest differences are that he has never purposefully hurt me physically or verbally, that he has never taken his anger out on me (although I know there have been quite a few times when I pissed him off), and his restraint and calmness when I have said things to hurt him.

This has all been achieved over 6 year of on and off interaction. It's not impossible for others to achieve that level of trust and I hope everyone strives for that as I continue to strive to better my relationships with others as well.

Judge me if you will.

1.5

I just realized it has been a year and a half to the day (and a few hours) since I started talking to Luke again. Wow.

No, really. WOW.

Wow because in the past it was no more than a week at a time and then a few years in between. So wow.

Okay so there were a few occasions where he disappeared for months and I was miserable, but it wasn't the same as before.

As far as I'm concerned that's in the past. What counts is everything that has happened since he changed and I decided to give him another chance. Tonight on the drive to the cabin I came to the conclusion that I have finally been convinced that he has changed for the better. It's been, what, a month? He hasn't disappeared yet.

Originally (before I realized it had been 1.5 years) I was going to talk about my "itch."

I'm starting to have the itch again. Part of me is think "well it's been a year and a half, so..." and part of me is thinking "well yeah, but things have only been going really well for about a month...patience Rosalba!"

We'll see. Some things take time. Lots and lots of time. My expectations for this holiday season are as high as they were last year, but this year I think they're more reasonable and possible.

Take A Picture

It's the title of a song from the 90s, but not the point of this entry.

Tonight was another great ladies night with Mylene. Mostly she was dancing with a guy she met last week and I was dancing with a group of new friends. It's so fun. It's not that other people don't know how to dance. Some don't, but it's more like this group of people dance like...Step Up 3 for example. It's more than grinding and bumping up against a guy. That's what I've been missing.


Some of us were born to dance. We feel the beat and flow in our bones. Our muscles move on their own. It's like magic.

Dancing is my happy place.

Tonight I got one of the best compliments ever. One of the big club photographers in Portland said I took really great photos every time I go out. He said it in a way that implied he had looked specifically at my photos on facebook. How flattering. At the end of the night he told me where he would photographing this weekend and said I should be there. So I shall be.

Tomorrow night I'm gonna try and convince Hallie to go out, Friday is the art walk or work and then hopefully I'll go out again, and maybe Saturday too. I don't need money or men to dance. I just need my sexy body. Plus I like to keep myself busy whenever Luke goes out of town.

_________

I also saw Love and Other Drugs with Mylene tonight. It was really good. Parts were slow, but the end made me tear up. Jake Gyllenhaal said something at the end that was exactly how I feel. I don't remember the exact quote, but basically he said thousands of people come and go in your life without really touching you, but what really matters is that one person who changes your life forever.
I couldn't help but think of a certain man :)

Censor This

Tonight was the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. It was great. I love the fashion. I also love that the Angels are picked based on appeal to women rather than me. I now have a favorite Angel, Doutzen Kroes from the Netherlands.


I recognized which bra collection most of models were wearing. I kept naming them like "that's Very Sexy Pushup, Very Sexy Halter, 250 Very Sexy Swarovski bra" etc.

The most exciting moment was when one of the models came out in the astrological/night sky Very Sexy bra, because that's my favorite one. I was even happier when I realized my breasts look better in it than hers did. How often do a normal person's breasts look better than a Victoria's Secret model's? Not very often.

I wish we could all flaunt around in our underwear. I know I sure do sometimes, but usually only when I'm home alone or with my guy. Ever since getting my belly button pierced, I've wanted to wear less clothing in a 'hey-look-this-is-beautiful' way. Now that I've lost weight and continue to do so, I'm even more proud of my body.

Yesterday I discovered that I'm between a 3/4 and 5/6 in dresses. It depends on the brand of course, but I'm getting smaller. Yay! Yet somehow my breasts are growing? How does that make sense? I know one person who won't complain about that (hahaha!).

I'm not saying I want to be skinny. Never. I want my curves and I'm perfectly proportioned. Ultimately my goal is be healthy and smile every time I look in the mirror, which I usually do. Sometimes I have trouble looking away from the mirror. I don't think that's bad though.


On a semi related note, I bought my new year's dress today. I sent a picture to Katya, Kate, Mylene, Hallie, Luke, Carol, my sister and Sean. Hallie was the only one who couldn't see it due to technical difficulties. Everyone else loved it. I just need silver heels and a silver clutch to go with it. I found the perfect clutch today at the Coach store for $58, which is a crazy good price and I could use it for going out every week. So I will definitely save up for it..or I'll ask for it for the holidays.
I'm hesitant to describe the dress. I'm not sure showing Luke so far ahead of time was a good idea. I think it would have been better to surprise him, but at the same time I wanted to know he liked it. For the record, he does :)

Last but not least, I need to dance. Soon. I have dance fever.