Boyfriends

I have a boyfriend for the first time in 2 years. It's kind of weird; the word boyfriend sounds strange on my tongue.
Of course the boy and man who have mean the most to me, I have had some sort of odd relationship with in the last 2 years, but never officially together. This includes the boy I've been in love with since our Junior year of high school (the ONLY person I've ever been in love with) and the older man, who I could have fallen in love with if I hadn't screwed it up.
Never had a boyfriend who I care about as much as these two men.
Until now.
What I mean is I've finally found someone who is pretty damn amazing. He's smart, attractive, funny, cuddly, can dance/likes dancing with me, can cook, sweet, loves dogs and children, isn't emotionally distant, and he actually wants to spend time with me. I feel more comfortable with him than almost any other guy I've ever dated.
It hasn't been very long, but it kind of feels like it has been awhile. It's new and I don't quite trust new. I trust long-term, happy commitment. I trust him. I guess we'll see.
Hopefully I won't screw it up this time!

Satisfaction

I've been pretty satisfied lately.
Satisfied.
Content.
I like those words.
I don't trust words like euphoric and butterflies. I've found they lead to burn out or something less meaningful than love. Physical connection is important of course, but if it's real, it's something more than an adrenaline rush; something more than having butterflies.
It's funny to think that I was going to stop dating for a year. I didn't think I would find anyone, because I'm so picky, and let's be honest, how many men can handle a strong woman like me? I guess the best things in life are unexpected.
That's all I will say for now. I'm currently running on 3.5 hours of sleep.
Good night.

Valentine's Day Strikes Again

Or does it?
It struck at midnight last night, but in a different way.
I decided that while Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday designed to promote capitalistic tendencies, I rather like hallmark cards anyway.
I used to be the cynical girl for whom watching horror movies and imagining couples walking down the street stepped into a hole a disappeared was what got me through this horrid day. My freshman year of highschool I had a boyfriend, but he didn't even realize it was Valentine's Day until I pointed it out right before he left on the bus. He happened to have a fake flower and gave it to me. How romantic...Then my freshman year of college I also had a boyfriend, but rather than deal with Valentine's Day with him, I drove 4 hours home to watch attractive, professional hockey players play 2 games that weekend.
As far as I can remember I never liked Valentine's Day. I'm pretty sure it started in elementary school. I must have had some sort of traumatic experience that I've blocked from my memory.

This year...I feel different. It didn't hit me until last night though.
As Carrie Bradshaw would say, I'm batting for the other team - the side of love.
In love? Not quite, but there's hope (there's hope people!)
I got blindsided, but I'm liking it so far.

This morning my phone buzzed around 6:15. I had a text. It made me smile. It made my day.
I also have my first day of work and I'm excited for that. Then I have dinner with my parents. I'm looking forward to it. I won't be glaring at the couples around us. I'll be smiling, because I'm loving my life and the people (and pets) in it.

I hope your Valentine's Day is just as happy as mine.

Sense and Sensibility

Sense and Sensibility is not my favorite Jane Austen novel, but I do like it very much nonetheless.

As I have noted before, I have read all the novels and seen most version of the movies.

Tonight I am watching the movie (not the tv mini series) starring Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, Alan Rickman and Hugh Grant.

Tonight I saw something that I didn't see in the past.

Marianne Dashwood feels everything and hides nothing. She's young and innocent. Enter Col. Brandon, the older handsome gentleman who immediately takes to Marianne. She overlooks him for the younger dashing, poetry reading Willoughby. Willoughby is everything Marianne thinks she wants. He reads poetry with feeling, he's forward in his affection, he's adventurous...He practically sweeps her off her feet.

Then he leaves for a woman who has a large allowance. He leaves without much explanation and when Marianne attempts to contact him, he ignores her. Later it is found out that he had an illegitimate child and left the mother before running around. Suave like so many, and just as selfish.

Somehow Col. Brandon loves Marianne despite her being taken in by Willoughby. After her bout of fever she sees what has been in front of her all along - happiness, love and contentment.

Wouldn't it be nice if men were that forgiving in real life?
I am an adult, but I'm still young and as such I make mistakes on my way to finding what I want from life and who I want in it.
Don't we all?

Ms. Brightside

On the bright side, I now have nothing left to lose.

I should focus more on the fact that I admitted my mistakes, apologized and have been completely honest.

Maybe I will soon.
I'm still not past the loss.

In 2011 I have no more grandmother and no more Mr. Big.
What happened to to 2011 will be better?
I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves every year to make ourselves feel better about the shit we've done and get over the shit that was done to us in the past year.
It's optimistic and it drives us to make our lives better. It works quite well doesn't it?

In 2011 I have lost or am losing someone I love. Things can't get any worse. They can only go up.

There's the silver lining in a lot of despair.

Always reach for that silver lining when you're in the dark.
It's your last lifeline and your road back to contentment, if not happiness.
If you're lucky like I am, you'll have loved ones encouraging you to join them at the top.

To be clear, I'm not in the dark.
It's more like I'm in a bright white room with fluorescent lights illuminating my mistakes. I've been sitting here for a little white, but I just found that silver lining that is the crack in the door. Hopefully I'll find the rest of it soon, because I am not a negative person.
I'm an optimist damn it!

Dream From Hell

This morning I had the most beautiful experience....well it was until I woke up. Then it was hell.

I got to see a future that I screwed up. It was happy. I was happy.

Now it's just a dream and I get to live in the reality of the nightmare.

I'm going to take a shower and try to feel better after.
It change from minute to minute, hour to hour...

If you have access to my private blog, you can read about it there.
If you have access to my trust, you can ask me about it and I'll tell you.

Snow Days and Dark Houses

Today I wrote down a few poetry ideas and turned one into a poem. I didn't mean for it to be so dark, but it might be one of the darkest things I've ever written. The idea was to write from the place where I used to feel stuck and alone when Luke did his disappearing act. I guess it was a lot darker than I remember. The title is The Dark House and I was going to post it on here before I realized how depressing it was. I might still post it after I've done a couple more drafts.
We'll see...

Written Word

I find that words can be empty. They get lost after you say them or sometimes they come out wrong (maybe more than sometimes). I'm mostly referring to the spoken word, not writing.

Stories were passed along orally long before written word, but how many of those stories are still remembered in comparison with the ones that were written down? How many were forgotten? How many were transformed into new stories than in no way resembled the original?

Writing is an art that may some day become extinct in our hunger for technological advances. Typing does not and never will be able to replace writing. The brain continues spew messy thoughts as you type and as a result you cannot pay attention to the detail, the art that goes into each word, syllable that make up the meaning of a piece of writing.

Writing is art; it's tangible and it's evidence.
Love letters and letters of friendship and of new events etc. went out the window a long time ago. It makes me sad. One of my best friends and I used to send each other long letters. There's nothing quite like receiving a letter and knowing a lot of time went into the thought and preparation of it.

These days I write poems rather than letters. I have a gift for turning letters and words into a beautiful picture or story. It's a gift many people used to have. I don't show my work to people, because who has time to understand something so beautiful when we're all too busy doing 10 things at once. I don't take so much time to type anything special on here for the same reason.
Perhaps I should though...

Most recently I wrote a letter to someone I care about. I shoved it into his hand before I left and thought I was a coward for writing it rather than saying it. I'm not though. You can forget what someone says if you want to. You can't deny that they took time to write it down.

I sat down in the quiet of my home and thought about him and only him. Then I put my most vulnerable bits on paper and gave it to him. I put my heart into every piece of writing (school and work aside). I put my heart into that letter. So now it's real; my heart, my vulnerability and my connection with him.

I'll never forget. I even saved a copy for myself.
This letter is me standing and holding my own.
This is my promise to never run away from someone I care about so much ever again.
This is me facing my biggest fear - being left by someone I love.
It may be too late for things to be as they were and should be, but I can be satisfied that I did try...eventually.
Better late than never.

I'm not ashamed of the letter or anything else I have ever written.
We all deserve to have such a letter written to us.