Punk For Life

Last weekend I watched SLC Punk.
It made me wonder if it's possible to be punk for life.
According SLC, not really, but kind of.
He gives up the clothes, punk shows, alcohol, drugs, parties, anarchy, dirty language etc, but becomes a lawyer, because he realizes he can create more havoc from within the system than by trying to destroy it from the outside.
I've never been much for anarchy myself.
I believe in freedom to be myself, to do what I want when I want and if you don't like it then, as Ryan Miller would say, "I don't give a...expletive."
I don't always dress the part, I have a couple of retail jobs that require me to dress "decently," but that doesn't change my mentality.
That 'I'll-rough-you-up-if-you-mess-with-me-or-the-people-I-care-about-and-if-you-don't-like-how-I-live-my-life-then-fuck-you' mentality.

I'm not saying I don't care what people think. I do care about opinions, just not their opinions on how I live or should live my own life. You'll never be me; you'll never know exactly what it's like to be me and make the decisions I have made. The same is true for me in regard to you.

So maybe I'll always be a spirited punk on the inside, just not on the outside. Inside is what counts anyway.

~~~~~

Last night I had one of the favorite conversation ever with the Photographer. Okay well almost all of my memories with him are on my favorite memories list, but this one was even better. Somehow we ended up talking about being put into place. Neither of us would ever let anyone put us in our place and there's no such thing anyway. You just go where life takes you. He pointed out that people think they know what they want, but usually don't really want it and we just do the best we can.

It made me smile, because I was thinking about that yesterday and he said my thought out loud.

It was different, because I didn't care what he thought anymore. I mean, I care, but not about what I have to say. If he agrees, that's awesome. If not, oh well. He also said something about how I was one of the few people who talked back to him and didn't completely "respect" him. I'm pretty sure he was joking, but I took it as a compliment. I give him shit about things he says, because I care about him. It's true with anyone I care about.

Back in October was the closest I ever came to believing in a soul mate.
In November I squashed that thought when he broke it off with me.
Now I'm fighting to keep it squashed down.

I will never believe in some grand design or that our lives are predestined, but I think two personalities can be a beautiful fit.

I'm not saying that some sort of relationship with someone else can't be amazing or work out permanently. It's just different.

I guess he's one of the few people in my life who can just be in the moment and I love that.

I really don't want to think too much about the future unless it has to do with MECA.

I have no regrets, I'm doing what I feel is right, and it seems to be working out.

Labels

Everything (in regard to relationships and the Psych Grad Student and even the Photographer) seems so much clearer right now.
There are still a few details to work out, but I think I have handled the situation with the Psych Grad pretty well.
I like him. He likes me.
We both felt way too much pressure from people around us and each other as a result of a couple of stupid labels.
Who needs them?
I was trying to be what I thought he/society wanted me to be as a girlfriend, and he was trying to be what he thought I/society wanted him to be.
The truth is that every one is different and so their relationships will be to. What works for one doesn't work for another. We have to make our own rules, go at our own pace, do what feels right to us. We shouldn't care what other people think we should or shouldn't be doing or care about what point in the relationship we should be at.
I don't care what you think about how I live my life. As long as I'm happy with it that's what matters.
Ironically we were more attracted to each other (and less stressed) when we both felt no pressure to be anything except ourselves.

I'm just gonna be happy and do my thing.
Also, 11 days until my next tattoo. So excited!

Simply Put

I've been having trouble finding words lately.
I cross everything out, because it's just too much.
Simplicity.

There's a lot that I'm not sure about.
I'll figure it out as I go...or not (and I'm okay with that).
I just want to experience every moment to the highest degree, so I never have any regrets.
I want to be the one to make myself happy.
I am what I am. That's enough.
I won't live up or down to your expectations, but I will live up to my own.
I will love unconditionally even if my heart continues to be broken.
I want to live in complete honesty.
I will not play games.
I will appreciate all of the good moments I've had.

6 Months

In 2 hours it will be 6 months from my birthday.
I have mixed feelings about it.
On the one hand the fall was hell, because things were so bad with Nana.
On the other hand, there were great moments, and I was the happiest I had been in a long time.
The photographer was in my life and everyone could see the effect he had on me. I guess you could probably see it last Friday and Saturday as well. I glowed and I was full of life...everyone said so.
He's the only reason the fall wasn't completely horrible.

So much has changed since then though.
I make myself happy now.
I make myself glow.

Today I got my tattoo.
I love it.
The best part was walking back to my car knowing that I had done it all by myself. I didn't need a man to hold my hand through the pain. It wasn't too painful. Some parts hurt more than others. Some parts didn't hurt at all.
I had a huge adrenaline rush, which still hasn't faded completely, but more importantly, I felt strong.

The starfish will hurt more, because it's going over my spine, but I'm not afraid.
Bring it.

And as far as men go, I've put up with enough of their shit. I've come to realize that it doesn't matter whether they're the "nice guys" or the "bad boys." They all do shitty things when they get scared.
I might have put up with it in the past, but...
Well remember the girl who punched her best friend in the nose, because her friend still hummed a song she hated one too many times?
Yeah, she's back, and she's not cutting anyone slack anymore.

I'm not saying you have to be perfect.
No such thing.
Just do your best, don't let your fears take over and make you hurt other people and you'll be good in my book.
No bloody noses.

Although to be honest, I didn't actually mean to hit her.

Tattoos and Judaism

Everyone wanted tattoos in middle school and high school. I never did. I did want a lip ring, but not enough to consider it. Then I thought I wanted to be a psychologist and any visible piercings or tattoos were out the window. Out of sight, out of mind.
I don't remember when I started thinking about getting one. It just kind of grew in my mind and then it was May. Then my personal life went to hell and I forgot again.
About a week ago everything became crystal clear...well almost everything.
Until tonight I have been torn. I have been known to be more conservative than my mother when it comes to Judaism. I like some of the more traditional prayer melodies and more Hebrew included in the service, but I also believe the Torah is like a Fairytale book with a few useful moral themes woven throughout. I don't take it literally and I don't follow rules strictly. What I love most about being a Jew is being able to question everything, even God. I also love the fact that we don't go out and try to convert or "save" people.
As my mother says, Judaism is a culture as well as a religion.
It's about community.
It's about helping those in need.
It's about peace.
It's about appreciating what you have.
This is my Judaism.

But still, it's a widely held belief that Jews should not be "marked."

"You shall not make gashes in your flesh for the dead, or incise any marks on yourselves: I am the Lord" (Leviticus 19:28)

Back in the day it was common for non Jews to cut, burn etc. themselves as part of the mourning process as well as inscribe their gods images into their skin. I'm sure I don't need to point out the whole only one God thing in Judaism.
So how I have decided to interpret this is that cutting or other hurtful self inflicted marks are bad whether out of mourning or any other reason. It's just not healthy. Then the second part means that markings that represent other deities isn't okay, and it just doesn't make sense if you're Jewish anyway.
So my tattoos are fine.
Tomorrow I'm getting Chai, which means life in Hebrew above my ankle. I think later in time I will have the star of David added around it, but without the circle surrounding it.
I'm all about life. I've been close to death more than once. Most recently while watching my grandmother decline and then seeing her take her last breaths. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to witness, but it makes me appreciate life even more.
I want it on my body, to remind me of how important it is to live every day the best I can, so I have no regrets when I'm taking my own last breaths. Judaism is a celebration of life and hebrew is incredibly beautiful, so what better form to put it in?
My second tattoo is going to be a starfish. Obviously I don't worship starfish. It started as a nickname, but it came to mean more to me. Starfish are known for their ability to regenerate their arms. To me that represents resilience. Resilience is a necessary skill to survive and have a full life. (Just ask my dad. He wrote a book on it.) There's no such thing as an easy life.
So these are the tattoos that I could never regret, and I believe they are not in conflict with my religion...and I really don't care if you think they are.

L'Chaim!
To Life!

Verbal Marks

Everyone who enters your life leaves some sort of mark.
Today I realized this after I thought "Efff youuu!" It's a phrase the Psych Grad Student uses jokingly and now I hear his voice saying it in my head all the time.
Later I was walking my dog and I said something to him about going to the bathroom. I realized it sounded exactly like something the Psych Grad Student would say to his dog.

Freedom of the Now

I find myself clear headed and a bit confused these days.
Some things are clearer than they used to be.
Some things are perfectly clear.
Some are more muddled.

I'm not really worried about it.

That's life.
It's a chaotic mess that we try to control.
Why bother?
Why worry?
Why do we have to control everything?

I don't want to.
I don't want to be compelled to.
I want to live in the now.
I want to experience everything that is happening now.
It's so freeing.

I don't want to plan out the next 5 years.
I don't want to miss living my life now, because I'm too focused on planning where I want to be in the future.

Do I have goals?
Yes.
I want to graduate from MECA
I want to do what I love, photography.

I'll get there.
I'll make it happen.
For the first time, I'm sure of what I want to study and excited to do it.

Now that it's happening, no one, no man, absolutely no one can take that away from me.

There's my clarity.

I'll be honest, it only became perfectly clear after the Psychology Grad Student broke up with me.
I was sad, depressed and a little angry, but I was still clear on the goals and dreams stated above.
I was still just as excited for that.
I still am just as excited.

Back in September I thought, 'why does something have to go wrong, when something else is finally going right in my life? Why does my grandmother have to be dying, when I finally have this amazing man in my life.'
~
I remember the day he and I had our first "date" over coffee...well more like tea. I visited her for a bit, then told her I had to go meet him. I believe that's the happiest I saw her since she started going down hill and even to her death. She lit up.
~
The point is, now I'm thinking 'Maybe some things aren't working out, but I finally feel in sync with my life and like more is going well. I lost a friend either permanently or temporarily, who knows, and I was dumped by a man I really liked, but I have purpose, I'm generating my own happiness despite all of that and I'm beginning to resolve the complicated mess of relationships I've had within the past 2 years.'

The hardest part is facing the fact that I covered up my feelings for the Photographer and in some small way, even though I didn't mean for it to, it affected my relationship with the Psych Grad Student.

Friday I realized the feelings I had for the Photographer back in September, October and November were still there...exactly the same.

People have the tendency to romanticize there ex's personalities especially when the current love life isn't going so well. I figured that's what I had done as well. I slandered his name to my friends and made myself believe it.
Well I was wrong...and right.
Turns out he's just as amazing as I remembered.
Turns out, he's even more attractive than I remembered.
Turns out, he must have felt something too.

I felt like a bright beacon of light, but not because of him.
I've had that feeling since Tuesday or Wednesday.
He just...inspired it even more.
I was happy and open in a way that I haven't been since the ordeal with Nana.

Since Monday, I've decided not to over think things.
I don't want to miss out on everything I'm feeling and seeing right now.
Sometimes we think too hard, and try too hard not to make our past mistakes, but we're thinking so hard that we don't even realize we're making those same mistakes and others as well anyway.

I'm an intelligent woman.
I once wrote in a blog post (that I deleted after the Photographer disappeared from my life in November) that "you know you're on the right path when your head and heart agree."
That doesn't only apply to relationships.
That applies to all aspects of life.
They agree on photography.
They agree on MECA.

As for the Photographer, they're still deciding.
I know I don't want him to disappear from my life again.
Whether that means being friends or something else, I don't know, and most of the time I don't really care, because that's too far into the future to see.
What I know is what I feel right now.
Content and sleepy.
I suppose it's time for bed.