Freedom of the Now

I find myself clear headed and a bit confused these days.
Some things are clearer than they used to be.
Some things are perfectly clear.
Some are more muddled.

I'm not really worried about it.

That's life.
It's a chaotic mess that we try to control.
Why bother?
Why worry?
Why do we have to control everything?

I don't want to.
I don't want to be compelled to.
I want to live in the now.
I want to experience everything that is happening now.
It's so freeing.

I don't want to plan out the next 5 years.
I don't want to miss living my life now, because I'm too focused on planning where I want to be in the future.

Do I have goals?
Yes.
I want to graduate from MECA
I want to do what I love, photography.

I'll get there.
I'll make it happen.
For the first time, I'm sure of what I want to study and excited to do it.

Now that it's happening, no one, no man, absolutely no one can take that away from me.

There's my clarity.

I'll be honest, it only became perfectly clear after the Psychology Grad Student broke up with me.
I was sad, depressed and a little angry, but I was still clear on the goals and dreams stated above.
I was still just as excited for that.
I still am just as excited.

Back in September I thought, 'why does something have to go wrong, when something else is finally going right in my life? Why does my grandmother have to be dying, when I finally have this amazing man in my life.'
~
I remember the day he and I had our first "date" over coffee...well more like tea. I visited her for a bit, then told her I had to go meet him. I believe that's the happiest I saw her since she started going down hill and even to her death. She lit up.
~
The point is, now I'm thinking 'Maybe some things aren't working out, but I finally feel in sync with my life and like more is going well. I lost a friend either permanently or temporarily, who knows, and I was dumped by a man I really liked, but I have purpose, I'm generating my own happiness despite all of that and I'm beginning to resolve the complicated mess of relationships I've had within the past 2 years.'

The hardest part is facing the fact that I covered up my feelings for the Photographer and in some small way, even though I didn't mean for it to, it affected my relationship with the Psych Grad Student.

Friday I realized the feelings I had for the Photographer back in September, October and November were still there...exactly the same.

People have the tendency to romanticize there ex's personalities especially when the current love life isn't going so well. I figured that's what I had done as well. I slandered his name to my friends and made myself believe it.
Well I was wrong...and right.
Turns out he's just as amazing as I remembered.
Turns out, he's even more attractive than I remembered.
Turns out, he must have felt something too.

I felt like a bright beacon of light, but not because of him.
I've had that feeling since Tuesday or Wednesday.
He just...inspired it even more.
I was happy and open in a way that I haven't been since the ordeal with Nana.

Since Monday, I've decided not to over think things.
I don't want to miss out on everything I'm feeling and seeing right now.
Sometimes we think too hard, and try too hard not to make our past mistakes, but we're thinking so hard that we don't even realize we're making those same mistakes and others as well anyway.

I'm an intelligent woman.
I once wrote in a blog post (that I deleted after the Photographer disappeared from my life in November) that "you know you're on the right path when your head and heart agree."
That doesn't only apply to relationships.
That applies to all aspects of life.
They agree on photography.
They agree on MECA.

As for the Photographer, they're still deciding.
I know I don't want him to disappear from my life again.
Whether that means being friends or something else, I don't know, and most of the time I don't really care, because that's too far into the future to see.
What I know is what I feel right now.
Content and sleepy.
I suppose it's time for bed.