Warning: This one is a little dark.
I've been meaning to write this down for awhile, but I always forgot.
I'll start with this: I'm not afraid of dying. I don't know when I realized this, but it's been awhile. Sure there are painful ways to die, but most of them are fast. I'd prefer not to die slowly, but if that's how it goes, then I'll deal.
Some people say they don't want to live to get old. I don't hold that view. There's a down side to every stage of life, but there are also things to enjoy.
Most of you don't know this (I don't think I even told my parents), but freshman year I was suicidal. It's weird to think that it was because of my thyroid problem. I was incredibly depressed. I never wanted to get out of bed. I cried a lot. I lost a lot of weight, because I just wasn't hungry. I cut myself. I was more awake at night than during the day. Time went by too slowly.
Then one night, I wrote my will and decided I'd had enough. Suicide by cutting. I bled quite a bit, got dizzy, closed my eyes (must have lost consciousness), then a few hours later I woke up. It was then I realized how stupid I had been. I realized how selfish suicide is. I couldn't really cause that much pain to my parents and everyone else who cared about me. I was lucky.
I told this story to a friend recently. 5 minutes later he asked "really? you really did that?" and 5 minutes after he repeated. You would have to look really hard to find traces of scars, because I always cleaned them. One of the worst parts is that Harlan knew I cut myself. He always said "Don't do drugs Rosalba" (I never have and don't want to) and "You shouldn't hurt yourself. You're better than that," but he did it too and he never really tried to stop me.
After that I developed a fear a sharp objects. Seeing skin sliced open on tv shows made me shiver and feel sick. I'm not so afraid of sharp objects anymore. With my thyroid problem, I have to get my blood drawn pretty frequently, so I've grown accustomed to it.
If you know someone in this situation, don't leave them alone to deal with it by themselves. Show them someone cares, because more than likely they don't think anyone does.
I'm alive though and I'm always thankful for life. Maybe that's what turned me into an eternal optimist. My sunny outlook won't change any time soon.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
What A Bitch
That is indeed the issue at hand. Tonight a friend imed me to rant/ask about why a girl was being bitch.
The situation: This girl my friend has been hanging out with has been acting odd. He told me sometimes she's nice and normal, but sometimes she's bitchy. Immediately I knew what was going on, but I waited for more information to make sure. Apparently he had overheard her say she liked him when he was talking to her neighbors. He said he would have considered dating her until she started acting bitchy and he admitted that sometimes he treated her differently from other girls because he was interested, but sometimes he didn't.
It's not exactly a rational reaction to be bitchy. Really it's just a self defense mechanism that a lot of girls use. A girl might act bitchy if she's not sure whether the guy likes her. For example, if you show her you like her at random moments and then back off quite a bit, she's going to be unsure and therefore probably put up a wall.
Show vs. Tell
That's a difference between a lot of guys and girls. Guys generally show affection. Girls like to express it by words. If you don't know what actions means I like you, you're gonna be lost. Ultimately there should be a compromise. Affection should consist of both. Itt just takes one "hey, I like you" to clear a girls mind. Personally I prefer the showing to telling. Reading into something without reading too much is a delicate process.
Examples:
"drive safe/ly" - Never heard a guy say that who didn't feel affection for me. The situation plays a role in the meaning too. If the distance is short or the weather isn't bad - Caring! (of course bad weather also means caring, but not necessarily in the same manner)
baking/cooking - not all girls are into that. however if a girl makes an effort to make food (what guy doesn't like food?) and gives it to a guy. Same sort of thing. As Emma pointed out, there's an urge to take care of the guy.
Friends/siblings - When do girls not talk about guys? There's a difference between spilling everything and complimenting...and just talking about the physical appearance. If a friend knows something about the guy that the girl could only have know, there you go. If a guys friend slips and say something like that..usually it's a bigger deal that for a girl. As for my sister, I don't tell her much about my love life...I probably should so she has a good example.
Mimicking - subconsciously or semi-consciously copying movements and poses or using the same phrases etc. I seem to have developed a slightly different laugh.
Obviously there are many more examples and everyone is different. I'll end there for now.
The situation: This girl my friend has been hanging out with has been acting odd. He told me sometimes she's nice and normal, but sometimes she's bitchy. Immediately I knew what was going on, but I waited for more information to make sure. Apparently he had overheard her say she liked him when he was talking to her neighbors. He said he would have considered dating her until she started acting bitchy and he admitted that sometimes he treated her differently from other girls because he was interested, but sometimes he didn't.
It's not exactly a rational reaction to be bitchy. Really it's just a self defense mechanism that a lot of girls use. A girl might act bitchy if she's not sure whether the guy likes her. For example, if you show her you like her at random moments and then back off quite a bit, she's going to be unsure and therefore probably put up a wall.
Show vs. Tell
That's a difference between a lot of guys and girls. Guys generally show affection. Girls like to express it by words. If you don't know what actions means I like you, you're gonna be lost. Ultimately there should be a compromise. Affection should consist of both. Itt just takes one "hey, I like you" to clear a girls mind. Personally I prefer the showing to telling. Reading into something without reading too much is a delicate process.
Examples:
"drive safe/ly" - Never heard a guy say that who didn't feel affection for me. The situation plays a role in the meaning too. If the distance is short or the weather isn't bad - Caring! (of course bad weather also means caring, but not necessarily in the same manner)
baking/cooking - not all girls are into that. however if a girl makes an effort to make food (what guy doesn't like food?) and gives it to a guy. Same sort of thing. As Emma pointed out, there's an urge to take care of the guy.
Friends/siblings - When do girls not talk about guys? There's a difference between spilling everything and complimenting...and just talking about the physical appearance. If a friend knows something about the guy that the girl could only have know, there you go. If a guys friend slips and say something like that..usually it's a bigger deal that for a girl. As for my sister, I don't tell her much about my love life...I probably should so she has a good example.
Mimicking - subconsciously or semi-consciously copying movements and poses or using the same phrases etc. I seem to have developed a slightly different laugh.
Obviously there are many more examples and everyone is different. I'll end there for now.
Wanna Get In The Stroller?
That would be a line from the stroller scene in Away We Go. Okay Hallie, you got me hooked on this movie. I had to buy it! I'm currently at the part where they are going to Montreal. It makes me miss Canada. I'm thinking about going to Toronto to visit my cousins (since i have an open invitation) when my parents go on a cruise in May. It kind of depends on my dog though...and obviously if Fran is okay with it.
Speaking of my dog. It really is going to be like raising a child...except not as difficult. Luca arrives the morning of the 19th, which means I will probably have to miss the game that night. That's okay though, because I would probably feel guilty if I left him the first night especially. Then my family is going to see the Magic of Christmas show on the 20th at 1 PM. Originally Emma scheduled a bunch of friends to meet her boy that night for dinner. I don't want to be gone twice in one day, so I invited everyone over to my house for dinner. Turns out it may happen the next day anyway.
For awhile my freedom to do things will be limited. I don't mind.
I refused to go on the cruise in May, because I don't want to leave my dog. I can't spend the night anywhere my dog can't go...which means no alcohol parties unless I have a ride home. I guess people are gonna have to come to my house more often! I hope Luca gets along well with Jared's dogs. That would be nice. Katya is going to be his godmother. She's going to be a dog owner vicariously through me. I'm going to do some dog therapy with Beans, because he's my brother and he should like my dog.
I know it's a big responsibility and I know I'm up to it, but when you care for, raise, and love something so pure, isn't there often a worry that you'll fuck it up? I know I won't, but it's still a thought in the back of my mind and my parents haven't been helpful in that department. Constant "well it's a lot of responsibility" and "I don't think you realize how much responsibility it is." I try my best to keep my temper under control when they say that, but a scene from SLC Punk runs through my head where Stevo listens to what his parents are saying and then stands up, flips them off with both hands and yells "Fuck. You!"
Anyway that brings me to New Years. I've been think about it since Jared brought up his parents being gone for New Years and maybe planning a little party there (with alcohol of course). I've kind of been unsure about that though, because there's someone else I wanted to spend New Years with too...and of course I'll have Hallie with me. I wouldn't leave her behind! She's my drinkin' buddy! as well as my sushi, Mornings In Paris, and (insert many other activities here) buddy.
Last year Kate, Katya and I wanted to do something nice for New Years. We wanted to go dancing, dress up, and they wanted to drink (I didn't drink at all back then). Unfortunately that wasn't really an option and our group of guys aren't really into that kind of thing. Suddenly this year it might be possible. Everything that I wanted...well not everything, but pretty damn close. I told Hallie of course and she was quite excited (she also has a concussion, which might be part of the loopy happiness, but that's okay!).
I have 2 dilemmas. First dilemma, I don't want my friends to think I'm betraying them/skipping out and in fact I really do want to spend New Years with them, but I want the chance to dress up, party in a hotel (okay really I could do without that). Really there is one reason I want to go. Good luck trying to make me say it out loud. But I haven't spent a New Years without Katya in years and I don't want to separate from my other half this year...and Iszy! She's my tipsy dancing buddy! Anyway if this new plan goes through, I've kind of made the choice. Talking to Hallie made me feel better about it too.
Second dilemma, Luca. I don't think it's a good idea leaving him alone for that long. Obviously he's gonna have to go outside and I can't go home in an intoxicated state...where as I could take Luca to Jared's house and it would be fine.
Anyway. Happy Chanukah! Give me gelt! 7 days and 7.5 hours until Luca arrives.
Speaking of my dog. It really is going to be like raising a child...except not as difficult. Luca arrives the morning of the 19th, which means I will probably have to miss the game that night. That's okay though, because I would probably feel guilty if I left him the first night especially. Then my family is going to see the Magic of Christmas show on the 20th at 1 PM. Originally Emma scheduled a bunch of friends to meet her boy that night for dinner. I don't want to be gone twice in one day, so I invited everyone over to my house for dinner. Turns out it may happen the next day anyway.
For awhile my freedom to do things will be limited. I don't mind.
I refused to go on the cruise in May, because I don't want to leave my dog. I can't spend the night anywhere my dog can't go...which means no alcohol parties unless I have a ride home. I guess people are gonna have to come to my house more often! I hope Luca gets along well with Jared's dogs. That would be nice. Katya is going to be his godmother. She's going to be a dog owner vicariously through me. I'm going to do some dog therapy with Beans, because he's my brother and he should like my dog.
I know it's a big responsibility and I know I'm up to it, but when you care for, raise, and love something so pure, isn't there often a worry that you'll fuck it up? I know I won't, but it's still a thought in the back of my mind and my parents haven't been helpful in that department. Constant "well it's a lot of responsibility" and "I don't think you realize how much responsibility it is." I try my best to keep my temper under control when they say that, but a scene from SLC Punk runs through my head where Stevo listens to what his parents are saying and then stands up, flips them off with both hands and yells "Fuck. You!"
Anyway that brings me to New Years. I've been think about it since Jared brought up his parents being gone for New Years and maybe planning a little party there (with alcohol of course). I've kind of been unsure about that though, because there's someone else I wanted to spend New Years with too...and of course I'll have Hallie with me. I wouldn't leave her behind! She's my drinkin' buddy! as well as my sushi, Mornings In Paris, and (insert many other activities here) buddy.
Last year Kate, Katya and I wanted to do something nice for New Years. We wanted to go dancing, dress up, and they wanted to drink (I didn't drink at all back then). Unfortunately that wasn't really an option and our group of guys aren't really into that kind of thing. Suddenly this year it might be possible. Everything that I wanted...well not everything, but pretty damn close. I told Hallie of course and she was quite excited (she also has a concussion, which might be part of the loopy happiness, but that's okay!).
I have 2 dilemmas. First dilemma, I don't want my friends to think I'm betraying them/skipping out and in fact I really do want to spend New Years with them, but I want the chance to dress up, party in a hotel (okay really I could do without that). Really there is one reason I want to go. Good luck trying to make me say it out loud. But I haven't spent a New Years without Katya in years and I don't want to separate from my other half this year...and Iszy! She's my tipsy dancing buddy! Anyway if this new plan goes through, I've kind of made the choice. Talking to Hallie made me feel better about it too.
Second dilemma, Luca. I don't think it's a good idea leaving him alone for that long. Obviously he's gonna have to go outside and I can't go home in an intoxicated state...where as I could take Luca to Jared's house and it would be fine.
Anyway. Happy Chanukah! Give me gelt! 7 days and 7.5 hours until Luca arrives.
Friday, December 11, 2009
They're Everywhere!
Couples are everywhere. It's seriously weird. Each of my friends is becoming half of a couple one by one. It's great, because they're happy and I love hearing their stories/being the one they come to for advice...
Hmm...is that odd? I get to hear funny/sweet stories and offer advice to both guys and girls, and yet I'm single? I guess it's my excellent understanding of people and ability to listen. Plus, let's be honest, I'm not quite single. I need to invent a word for whatever it is I am.
Then of course there are the really single friends. There are 4 groups that I can think of: The formerly hurt/jaded lover, the jaded single person who just can't seem to find the right kind of person, the person who loves dating/flirting/having sex with lots of different people, and the introvert who doesn't make enough effort. See I'm single, but I don't fit any of those. I fit the I-like-this-guy-but-things-are-fine-as-they-are-for-now group.
The two groups I don't have much patience for are the first and the last.
The way I see it, every one gets hurt when they put themselves out there sometimes, but eventually you can move on and do it again until it works out. We weren't given emotions to hide them from others and we're resilient, so use it. Don't give me bullshit about crying in a corner for the rest of your life. I was abandoned at birth and now I'm better than ever. If my own flesh and blood gave me up at birth and I still have the capacity to love, then you have it too. (this isn't to say it's easy. just possible)
Then introverts. One can only do so much to bring them out of their shell. You are who you are, who you make yourself, who you want to be. You want hide in a corner with the jaded lover because you're afraid to talk to the opposite sex or are self conscious, go ahead. I won't be there with you though. I'll talk with you about why it is you hide and how you think you could get out of that rut, but I don't want that small world.
So get out there and make a fool of yourself, because that's the only way to really learn and live.
Hmm...is that odd? I get to hear funny/sweet stories and offer advice to both guys and girls, and yet I'm single? I guess it's my excellent understanding of people and ability to listen. Plus, let's be honest, I'm not quite single. I need to invent a word for whatever it is I am.
Then of course there are the really single friends. There are 4 groups that I can think of: The formerly hurt/jaded lover, the jaded single person who just can't seem to find the right kind of person, the person who loves dating/flirting/having sex with lots of different people, and the introvert who doesn't make enough effort. See I'm single, but I don't fit any of those. I fit the I-like-this-guy-but-things-are-fine-as-they-are-for-now group.
The two groups I don't have much patience for are the first and the last.
The way I see it, every one gets hurt when they put themselves out there sometimes, but eventually you can move on and do it again until it works out. We weren't given emotions to hide them from others and we're resilient, so use it. Don't give me bullshit about crying in a corner for the rest of your life. I was abandoned at birth and now I'm better than ever. If my own flesh and blood gave me up at birth and I still have the capacity to love, then you have it too. (this isn't to say it's easy. just possible)
Then introverts. One can only do so much to bring them out of their shell. You are who you are, who you make yourself, who you want to be. You want hide in a corner with the jaded lover because you're afraid to talk to the opposite sex or are self conscious, go ahead. I won't be there with you though. I'll talk with you about why it is you hide and how you think you could get out of that rut, but I don't want that small world.
So get out there and make a fool of yourself, because that's the only way to really learn and live.
Memories
As you probably know by this point, I think a lot. So while getting dressed I started thinking about things that remind me of unpleasant memories. You know how we sometimes associate things (songs, places, activities etc) with people or events that we don't want to remember? Yeah not that fun. Even less fun is when it was a song, place, activity that we enjoyed until it was marred by memory.
Here are a couple of examples:
1. I really like the song Any Way You Want It by Journey, but it was one of my ex's ring tones, so after we broke up I liked it, but I hated it...then it ended up being on a commercial that I saw frequently on tv. Even worse. So my former roommate made up a funny song to the lyrics and sang it whenever it came on or I decided to torture myself and listen to the song. Well luckily it lost that meaning and became a song I enjoy again.
2. I get anxious when it comes to the Old Port Fest. Remember that year my friends and I met up with someone and then he left with 2 other girls? A. that was incredibly humiliating B. It hurt my feelings C. Beans remembers it well too and reminded me not to get my hopes up again this past Old Port Fest. I still feel uneasy every year, but this past year was pretty fun for the most part.
3. Being Peruvian. Reminds me that I have a birth family. I used to refuse to acknowledge my heritage because remembering someone gave you up who should have loved you isn't fun, even if it was for my own good. Now, I love being Peruvian. I accept that they did what was best for me, but I still don't plan on being nice or ever letting them meet me.
4. Damaged by Danity Kane reminds me of Senior prom. It used to make me feel like crap, because it reminded me of someone. What I remember now is a good summer and the look on (the girl who hated me most at Waynflete)'s face when her date decided I was more interesting than her/the look she gives me whenever I see her around 'flete or downtown.
Sometimes it's easy to change how you view things. Sometimes not. I guess I've learned that avoiding things just to avoid something else unpleasant isn't helpful and doesn't make the situation any better. I guess normally I have answers to things, but on this subject...there isn't a universal answer.
Just a string of thoughts that went through my head....
Here are a couple of examples:
1. I really like the song Any Way You Want It by Journey, but it was one of my ex's ring tones, so after we broke up I liked it, but I hated it...then it ended up being on a commercial that I saw frequently on tv. Even worse. So my former roommate made up a funny song to the lyrics and sang it whenever it came on or I decided to torture myself and listen to the song. Well luckily it lost that meaning and became a song I enjoy again.
2. I get anxious when it comes to the Old Port Fest. Remember that year my friends and I met up with someone and then he left with 2 other girls? A. that was incredibly humiliating B. It hurt my feelings C. Beans remembers it well too and reminded me not to get my hopes up again this past Old Port Fest. I still feel uneasy every year, but this past year was pretty fun for the most part.
3. Being Peruvian. Reminds me that I have a birth family. I used to refuse to acknowledge my heritage because remembering someone gave you up who should have loved you isn't fun, even if it was for my own good. Now, I love being Peruvian. I accept that they did what was best for me, but I still don't plan on being nice or ever letting them meet me.
4. Damaged by Danity Kane reminds me of Senior prom. It used to make me feel like crap, because it reminded me of someone. What I remember now is a good summer and the look on (the girl who hated me most at Waynflete)'s face when her date decided I was more interesting than her/the look she gives me whenever I see her around 'flete or downtown.
Sometimes it's easy to change how you view things. Sometimes not. I guess I've learned that avoiding things just to avoid something else unpleasant isn't helpful and doesn't make the situation any better. I guess normally I have answers to things, but on this subject...there isn't a universal answer.
Just a string of thoughts that went through my head....
Thursday, December 10, 2009
1-100
Today was...interesting. Not really.
I had issues with Petco, which I don't want to go into yet again, but basically I would advise against buying from them and they pissed me off enough for me to make an effort to get people to boycott it. Luckily I know enough people in enough places for it to count for something.
Anyway, the point is that I got pretty pissed. That's a pretty rare event. I rarely ever make it past annoyed, but today I was pissed. It always happens in stages.
1. shock/slight annoyance
2. very annoyed/little bit impatient and bitchy
3. frustrated/point at which I cry
4. Silent indignation/very bitch/evil glare
5. Won't go any further because it just get's bad...wanting to literally stab something and such.
Luckily I have great control over myself. I got to stage 4, then fell back to 3 for awhile. Thought going to my coffee shop with Hallie would help. Definitely helped having someone there, but I was still pretty upset. So we went for sushi. I had a craving (damn you hormones!) and it was good, but I was still down. Then I decided to try something else, which actually worked.
Favorite scene from Knocked Up:
Pete:"never do what they did" (hook up)
Sadie:"I'm gonna do it"
Pete:"You are? uh oh...Someone's getting home schooled."
I had issues with Petco, which I don't want to go into yet again, but basically I would advise against buying from them and they pissed me off enough for me to make an effort to get people to boycott it. Luckily I know enough people in enough places for it to count for something.
Anyway, the point is that I got pretty pissed. That's a pretty rare event. I rarely ever make it past annoyed, but today I was pissed. It always happens in stages.
1. shock/slight annoyance
2. very annoyed/little bit impatient and bitchy
3. frustrated/point at which I cry
4. Silent indignation/very bitch/evil glare
5. Won't go any further because it just get's bad...wanting to literally stab something and such.
Luckily I have great control over myself. I got to stage 4, then fell back to 3 for awhile. Thought going to my coffee shop with Hallie would help. Definitely helped having someone there, but I was still pretty upset. So we went for sushi. I had a craving (damn you hormones!) and it was good, but I was still down. Then I decided to try something else, which actually worked.
Favorite scene from Knocked Up:
Pete:"never do what they did" (hook up)
Sadie:"I'm gonna do it"
Pete:"You are? uh oh...Someone's getting home schooled."
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Nothing To Say
Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.That was the opening quote on Criminal Minds today. I was quite surprised. Apparently I've been missing a lot on my Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night shows. That's okay though. I've had better thing to do and people to see.
I have no idea where House is at this point.
Apparently I missed Karen being sent home on SYTYCD, which upsets me, because I thought she was great. I still can't believe Legacy was sent home this week! Meanwhile Ryan and Ashleigh are in the finale...NOT okay. At this point I really hope Russell wins. For some reason I just realized he's my age and his last name is Ferguson. Katya is probably the only one who gets that hockey reference...
Tonight I found out Haley (Hotch's wife) on Criminal Minds died last episode.
CSI: New York was actually interesting this week. Normally I find it kind of boring, even though I like Eddie Cahill.
Tomorrow is Bones...I haven't seen that show in over a month, since I usually go to Gorham on Thursdays. I haven't liked it as much since Seely changed from having his brain tumor removed. Still, David Boreanaz is...great.
Speaking of which, I also watched Enchanted during my snow day today. I realized that Michaela Conlin is in one of the last scenes! (She plays Angela in Bones)
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