Death

Warning: This one is a little dark.

I've been meaning to write this down for awhile, but I always forgot.

I'll start with this: I'm not afraid of dying. I don't know when I realized this, but it's been awhile. Sure there are painful ways to die, but most of them are fast. I'd prefer not to die slowly, but if that's how it goes, then I'll deal.

Some people say they don't want to live to get old. I don't hold that view. There's a down side to every stage of life, but there are also things to enjoy.

Most of you don't know this (I don't think I even told my parents), but freshman year I was suicidal. It's weird to think that it was because of my thyroid problem. I was incredibly depressed. I never wanted to get out of bed. I cried a lot. I lost a lot of weight, because I just wasn't hungry. I cut myself. I was more awake at night than during the day. Time went by too slowly.

Then one night, I wrote my will and decided I'd had enough. Suicide by cutting. I bled quite a bit, got dizzy, closed my eyes (must have lost consciousness), then a few hours later I woke up. It was then I realized how stupid I had been. I realized how selfish suicide is. I couldn't really cause that much pain to my parents and everyone else who cared about me. I was lucky.

I told this story to a friend recently. 5 minutes later he asked "really? you really did that?" and 5 minutes after he repeated. You would have to look really hard to find traces of scars, because I always cleaned them. One of the worst parts is that Harlan knew I cut myself. He always said "Don't do drugs Rosalba" (I never have and don't want to) and "You shouldn't hurt yourself. You're better than that," but he did it too and he never really tried to stop me.

After that I developed a fear a sharp objects. Seeing skin sliced open on tv shows made me shiver and feel sick. I'm not so afraid of sharp objects anymore. With my thyroid problem, I have to get my blood drawn pretty frequently, so I've grown accustomed to it.

If you know someone in this situation, don't leave them alone to deal with it by themselves. Show them someone cares, because more than likely they don't think anyone does.

I'm alive though and I'm always thankful for life. Maybe that's what turned me into an eternal optimist. My sunny outlook won't change any time soon.