Douche

I've been pretty fortunate with guys, but sometimes one comes along who is a complete douche. He tells you that you're great, you're special, he likes taking walks with you, and that you deserve better than your current boyfriend. He tells you he would be the one if you weren't with your boyfriend. Eventually you break up with your boyfriend (for other reason) and decide he's a great guy. Then you find out he's dating 2 other girls. Then you find out he chose one as his girlfriend. He never told you any of this though. Then he says "I like you more, but I can't just dump her." You realize he's lying. Awhile later they break up and you're back in the competition (supposedly). Then he chooses someone else, but he still flirts with you. You finally learn though.

3.5 years later it's late at night and he "randomly" contacts you. Doesn't that sound like a douche move to you?
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Today has been rough. I realized I've had very little contact with friends over my break. I love my dog, but I need people to stay sane. I'm rethinking having 3 kids, because mum said that's only a taste of what it's like to have a kid. Luckily that won't happen for awhile anyway. I've been so frustrated that I almost cried in Sebago tonight. Silly me. I'm not sure what made me feel better: food, friends or le boy. Actually I am sure, but anyway I feel a bit better now.
New Year's plans have been finalized
I'm seeing Luke tomorrow?
I'm seeing Kat on Tuesday
I'm going to see a movie with Carol sometimes this week.

The most interesting part about Sebago was all of the horrible racial jokes we shared. Mine was probably the worst, but I'm a Jew so I can tell Jew jokes. Also the part where Carol was jokingly complaining about not liking being single/not finding a good man. It was partly a joke and partly not. I said "I know!" They all (Maddie, Beans, Vano, Carol and Kat) turned to look at me. Carol said "please girl! you don't need to complain." She was joking. We all were...kind of. So I guess I don't get to complain about my situation. I guess us in betweeners aren't allowed. That's okay...kind of.

I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. I know I'm not because everyone's situation is different, but that doesn't changed the way I feel. I tell my friends not to put up with flaky guys because they deserve better, when I do. I tell them to be more patient with their parents because their parents love them, but sometimes just don't get things, when I snap at my parents frequently. I tell them there is more than one person in the world for them when I have no idea. I tell them it's okay to cry if you're upset when I won't let myself cry around anyone. I tell them to put more trust in people, but I'm slow to trust people myself.

I have my reasons. "5 years must mean something" "he's afraid of getting hurt again" "my parents know I love them and can take it" "they started it" "fate and soulmates can't exist because then what would be the point of getting out of bed and living?" "Everyone has to think I'm stronger than I am" "It's difficult for an adopted person to trust" "never knowing would be worse" "he changed/is changing" "i said it to avoid getting hurt" "I thought it would make me feel better"
Those are just a few.
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The end of the year is approaching fast. I'm beginning to wonder if I was wrong about change. I guess we'll find out. I'm not the kind of person to stand back and wish though. I do wish, but I act too.
I've been thinking about a resolution that I can keep. Maybe being more honest and straight forward? I'll start New Year's Eve. Should make for an interesting year.