So You Think You Can Dance, S7, Top 9

So You Think You Can Dance was amazing or not, depending on the dance, tonight. I was most impressed by Alex. He's an incredible ballet dancer. He's strong and smooth and emotional. Tonight he had to perform hip hop.

Now let's think about this? Do ballet dancers make very good hip hop dancers? Not really. The styles are completely different and normally it would take quite awhile to unlearn the precision of ballet enough to let go and give a great hip hop performance.

Well guess what? Alex had a week. He was paired up with one of the best, if not the best, and former So You Think You Can Dance contestant, Twitch. When twitch was in competition 2 seasons ago I wanted him to win. He came in second. Nonetheless he's a top hip hop performer and does quite well in other areas of dance also. What I mean to say is, thus far in the competition none of the new contestants have been able to keep up with Twitch when doing a hip hop routine.

Alex nailed it. I was sitting there with my mouth open. All of the curse words in the world cannot explain how great he was. You really had to see it...Hopefully someone will post a video of it soon on youtube. They performed to Outta Your Mind by Lil Jon and LMFAO (first video). I think that's probably one of the best all time performances on the show.
I have a feeling he could win this season...




Another performance that I had a strong reaction to was a contemporary piece danced to the song Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. There were 2 reason behind my reaction.
1. The dance was about a woman who was struggling to get over a man she loved who left her and then he returned.
2. The song has great lyrics and is very sad. Christina Perri also has a beautiful voice.

1. By now everyone who reads this knows that #1 is my love life on repeat. But I was shocked at how much it captured how I feel when I'm in a down swing. It's a low that's hard to describe, but then the dance is a perfect description...then again I dance and I could probably express it through that (hmm maybe it's time to begin choreographing again?). I am not currently at a low, but I could feel the pain through that song and dance. I guess you could say the struggle is kind of like hitting a brick wall and pounding on it continuously...

No wait it's exactly like that. If my struggle to get through to Luke, it would look like this:
Pounding on a brick wall until you're bruised and bloody...and then continuing until 1 small brick starts to crack. You keep pounding through the pain and exhaustion until the brick breaks. You take a break to appreciate the accomplishment and look through the small hole in his defenses. Then you repeat. One brick at a time.

So here is the song:


and here are the lyrics, since they aren't posted online yet:
You know I can't take one more step towards you,
'Cause all that's waiting is your (something),
Don't you know that I'm not your ghost anymore,
You lost the love I love the most,
I learned to live half alive,
And now you want me one more time

Chorus:
And who do you think you are?
Running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts,
And tearing love apart,
You're gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me,
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around,
If I am anywhere to be found,
But I have grown too strong,
To ever fall back in your arms
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

(Chorus)

Dear(?) it took so long just to feel alright,
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes,
I wish, I had missed, the first time, that we kissed,
Cause you broke all your promises,
And now you're back,
You don't get to get me back

Chorus:
And who do you think you are?
Running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts,
And tearing love apart,
You're gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me,
Don't come back at all

Chorus:
And who do you think you are?
Running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts,
Tearing love apart,
You're gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me,
Don't come back at all,
Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are

Everything's Okay

I'm trying not to panic.
I'm thinking 'Everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. Oh god it's not going to be okay. He's gonna go off and sleep with the people who raped my people. Fuck.'
And repeat.

It's fucking roller coaster.

I have no problem with him going to Europe for a week. I do have a problem with him sleeping with other women. That's where I draw the line. If it happens and I find out, it's over forever and he'll miss out on the best thing that ever could have happened to him.

I hate this part of me. The part that never knows enough and starts to panic. When he doesn't tell me enough or anything at all. For example he said "maybe lunch Thursday?" To which I responded, okay. Then I asked him to confirm it. He responded "I said lunch Thursday." No...he said MAYBE lunch Thursday. MAYBE usually means probably not. Then of course I was worried that he invited me to lunch because he's trying to keep it friendly...like friend zone thing.

I have worked far too hard this past year for that. I guess I'll see though...

I'm not holding back anymore. I will not spend any more time panicked and lost.

That seems like a good place to end.

Dreams

What are your dreams? What do you see in your future? I'd love to know.

I see a successful career. That seems to be the most predictable part of my life. I will help athletes. Some people help children. Well I'm gonna be helping the people those children look up to. It's a good thing.

I'm hoping I'll make more than my family makes now. Maybe have a bigger house with a nice lawn for my dogs to run around on. Maybe buy back our beach house in Old Orchard.

I want to find that man who makes me laugh, who I can talk to about anything, who appreciates me, who can cook, who has a sense of humor, who's loyal and who wants children eventually. I want a wedding on the beach and I want a big white dress (but not an ugly one) and I want no one to wear shoes. I want a Chuppah and the tradition of glass breaking. I want both Kelsey and Katya to be my maids of honor and we'll see who else will be bridesmaids when the time comes.

It will all happen when the time is right in my life.

As the Kooks say, "I am always where I need to be and I always thought I would end up with you eventually."

Hopes And Dreams

I know most of you don't understand why I make some of the decision that I make and have made. I don't expect you to. After all you aren't me. There are some things that you simply cannot understand because of that.

Tonight Kat sent me a text saying she would here for me if I ever need to talk about Luke/man stuff. I thought about it and realized that I'm not sure if anyone else has really said it in a straight forward manner like that other than Iszy. I didn't realize what a huge relief it was either.

My brain did a flip like 'wow I'm not alone with this?'

It's a good thing to have people like that in your life.

I'm ever so determined.

As Jason Mraz says, "I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me, it might kill me."

P.S. This is an upbeat post even though it might not sound like it.

Mr. Knightley

Mr. Knightley is by far my favorite male character written by Jane Austen. I believe I have mentioned this before, but it's still true. He's kind, smart (academically and practically), opinionated, charitable, and patient.

The only thing I picked out that coincides with my own patterns in regard for men is his sudden decision to go to London. Emma's father says "I don't know why everyone is affected by this wanderlust; even sensible Mr. Knightley."

It seems common these days for men to run away to other places. Besides the fact that most young adults wish to take vacations in Canada, Europe or the Bahamas, men in particular have their reasons.

Mr. Knightly left for London because he realized he was in love with Emma. Meanwhile he thought Emma and Mr. Churchill were in love. So he ran away from his heart.

If I had a nickel for every time a man did that these days...
If I had a nickel for every time Luke ran away from anything these days...
If I had a nickel for every time I forgave him...

I'd be rich.

Now off to watch Argentina kick Mexico's ass.

New York, I Love You

I watched the movie New York, I Love You tonight. I liked it a lot better than Paris, Je T'aime. I found it funny that Paris had Elijah Wood and New York had Orlando Bloom. It's LOTR all over the place.

My favorite couple was the young man and woman walking down a street. The woman was complaining that he never took her anywhere outside the city. Then she told him to suggest a place. He didn't say anything and she said exasperatedly, "See?!" and walked on. A second later he surprised her with tickets to Rome leaving immediately.

To me that's one of the most romantic acts that there are. You hear your partner complaining about something and you surprise them with what they least expect. I always hope that Luke will do something like that. He never does though. I'm not foolish. I know he can't read my mind and we aren't a couple. Still I continue to hope.

I also liked the elderly couple on their anniversary. Happy, elderly couples give me hope that maybe I can find a great love as a youth that will last just as long. They also make me sad because they remind me that everyone ages and passes away. Eventually you lose your love, at least in this physical world. Still, to have such a love seems profound to me.

Then there was the black father who took care of his daughter. The mother (white) was away constantly and the daughter missed her, but her father...well that's how the best parents love: lots of love, care, time and a little indulgence. I'm glad I have those kind of parents.

There was also a woman who converted to Judaism to marry her husband (orthodox). Her Jewish name was Rivka. That's also my name. I have the utmost respect for those who can convert to a different/conservative sect of religion because they love their partner and agree with the beliefs/customs. I'm somewhere in between reform and conservative Judaism. I would never change that for anyone, but I would respect my partners religion.
If you didn't know, I've been learning more about Catholicism to understand my background as well as Luke's. That's just me.

____

Today I went to dinner with Emma and we talked about astrology. Well Libra is all about ideals, sex and love. Perhaps that's why I enjoy talking about sex and maybe that's why I can go on forever about love and my ideals (for myself, for others, for the world).

I also talked about my tendency toward manipulation. Women get a bad wrap as manipulators. The majority of us don't use it. Those who do often feel like it's a defensive move against men who are usually in control of the situation. Then there's the rest of us. We were born oozing charisma and charm. With one flash of a smile, we can make most of the male population melt. People like myself have a knack for language and are the most observant. Just for fun I often rephrase everything I think or say in 5-6 ways (sometimes even in french). Can you phrase something in a way that appeals to others? Once you figure a person out, getting what you want isn't difficult.

But people like me, we control it. We don't use it to get everything we want. When I love a man, I won't manipulate him or try to wrap him around my finger.
It's scary because manipulating people is so easy, if I don't pay attention, it just happens. I have to try hard not to and I'm good at not doing it. I've been 10 times more careful with Luke than any other guy ever. He's also stronger mentally than any other guy I've ever dated.

When you care about someone and you need/want something, you ask for it straight out. You might not get it, but at least you're communicating. I've never been good at asking for anything, but I'm a lot more comfortable asking Luke than any other guy.

Last 2 things about Luke for now.
1. I have this feeling that something is going to happen like he might be leaving after the summer is over for g-d knows where and he doesn't want to deal with telling me yet. It's just a feeling I have. My reaction is calm and neutral thus far.

2. For those of you who have asked how things are going with Luke and Audrey - I know I've been pretty vague or crabby when you bring it up. It's been painful and every mention has been another reminder...not so pleasant and very emotionally draining just to think about. Things are better with Luke for now, but I think from now on it would be best if no one mention Luke unless I do first.

Good night all. Happy Full Moon/May you all get laid tonight (because I can't...)

Forgive and Forget

Today with Kate and Emma in my car and cake and ice cream running through my system, I drove to Luke's house. I marched into his house and up the stairs and there he was...walking out of a room with his shirt off. He looked exhausted. I felt insecure but said quite frankly: "So you do exist."

I had planned to punch him in the face or kick him in the balls. Anything to cause him some portion of the pain that I've felt by his neglect. At first I froze like a deer in the headlights and then my rational mind took over.

i asked what the probability was that I would see him before he left for a week in Europe (notice I have absolutely no problem with him leaving for a week when I know about it ahead of time and don't feel like he's leaving me out of the loop). He told me about a possible party before he left and mentioned that he might be able to fit in a half hour lunch (his own suggestion). At this point I'm skeptical, especially of the lunch, because I don't want to get my hopes up.

This is a good...what? 100th start? Like I've said before, I'm nervous about attending his parties because i don't like being around a lot of people I don't know. I also never know who he has told what to about me and that makes me uncomfortable. It's important that I do it though (if it happens at all).

The question I hate most from his friends: So how do you know Luke?

What do I say? From Waynflete? That's the usual response, but then they ask about more recently...and I say "it's complicated." Then I feel like a failure as a woman because I haven't been able to get more from him and the expectations of women in this society to be part of a couple is horrendous.

I won't think about it unless it comes up.

Also, I know most of you don't understand why this keeps repeating and maybe you think my decision is stupid. I don't care though. I'm eternally optimistic. I adore the man. I have the capacity to forgive and forget...I guess love isn't rational.

And when it's good...it's so good. When it's great, I glow and nothing else can get me down. I know you've seen me like this. I'll skip down the street. I'll laugh and laugh and laugh.

I won't get ahead of myself though. He hasn't made up for the agony he put me through. Thinking and feeling like he was avoiding me and maybe never wanted to see me again...well it felt a bit like dying by knife wounds.

Believe me it's an exhausting experience. It left me wanting to sleep in my bed all day and I'm sure most of you wanted to strangle me at some point. But thank you for listening to me, understanding (or pretending to) and just putting up with it.

It pushed me though. I've thought about things and one of the conclusions I've come to is:

When he gets home from Europe, he needs to man up (in regard to me). I'm worth it (please and motherfucker for emphasis, but not in an angry manner).