Everything's Okay

I'm trying not to panic.
I'm thinking 'Everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. Oh god it's not going to be okay. He's gonna go off and sleep with the people who raped my people. Fuck.'
And repeat.

It's fucking roller coaster.

I have no problem with him going to Europe for a week. I do have a problem with him sleeping with other women. That's where I draw the line. If it happens and I find out, it's over forever and he'll miss out on the best thing that ever could have happened to him.

I hate this part of me. The part that never knows enough and starts to panic. When he doesn't tell me enough or anything at all. For example he said "maybe lunch Thursday?" To which I responded, okay. Then I asked him to confirm it. He responded "I said lunch Thursday." No...he said MAYBE lunch Thursday. MAYBE usually means probably not. Then of course I was worried that he invited me to lunch because he's trying to keep it friendly...like friend zone thing.

I have worked far too hard this past year for that. I guess I'll see though...

I'm not holding back anymore. I will not spend any more time panicked and lost.

That seems like a good place to end.