Remember When?

Remember when I thought Benji Madden was hot? (EW!)

Remember when I thought drummers were hot because they played drums? (Drums are awesome, but so is guitar)

Remember when 18 Visions was still together and James had to run to his van for a hoodie before he was warm enough to talk to Imani and me outside? (Good times in Orono)

Remember when I liked hot emo boys? (No idea who this is, but quite attractive especially with the lip ring)

Remember when I had pink hair? (I miss it...)


Remember when a random guy called me fetus at an Atreyu concert because I was so small and in the front? (Brandon Saller is still my hero)

I do. Those were good times, but I don't wish to return that period. The current Rosalba will enjoy new colorful streaks in her hair though, still loves Atreyu and is still a sucker for attractive men who play guitar and sing. What can I say?

Shameful

You should have ran for days,

You embrace, You betray...
I'm sad to say, You're a sad cliche,
But when you ran, You fell,
On a path that led you straight to hell...
This is the salt in your wounds,
This is my 'I told you so'

Last night was a bit on the crazy side. It brought me clarity on one subject though. I feel thoroughly betrayed by two of my best friends. The unwanted connection makes me bitter. Just the thought brings on a rage that I would hate to lose control of. No, what's scarier is that I want to lose control.

I've never thought anything over so much as I did when I cut the unwanted connection out of my life. What did I expect? I expected support in my decision. I expected people to see the rationality in it. Do they? I'm beginning to think not. Doubts are beginning to plant themselves in the back of my mind. Who can I really trust? In the end, who really has my back?

Last night I was taken by surprise by a little piece of information slipped to me by a loose tongue. I went livid. I shut myself in the bathroom trying to comprehend this betrayal. I couldn't. I thought maybe it was because my judgment was somewhat impaired. Hallie took me back to her suite to calm down. It worked somewhat, but it took a trip to 7/11 to calm me down. Then I remained cold and distant for the rest of the evening. I thought today it would be different because my head would clear. My head has never been clearer. I'm still betrayed.

Things are changing though. I'm passed the sad stage. I'm fucking furious. I will never cry another tear. It was never worth a single one in the first place. I will not do anything rash as long as it stays away from me. I don't need revenge, because it's suffering and will continue to suffer for a very long time on its own. If it attacks or approaches me, I will enjoy tearing it apart. I feel no guilt, because it deserves none. It dug its own lonely grave.

I will not sit back and take shit ever again though. Not from anyone. I used to be the kind of person who forgave and forgave. If you don't deserve forgiveness, then you will never get it from me. Mistakes are natural, but there is line.

As for the betrayers, I still love them. That will probably never change. They are family, and although my disgust is reflected upon them because of that connection, it can be worked through. I can only hope one day they will realize what I have.
This is the last time I will ever mention the subject.

You let yourself get carried away
Don't act like you're ashamed,
You let yourself get carried away
Bow your head now, accept the blame,
You let yourself get carried away
Bury this with you, a waste,

And now it's time to see,
What you don't mean to me.

Deanne The Arsonist

Over the past 3 days, I've been listening to Atreyu a lot. Well that's all I've been listening to really. They take me to that happy place. This may seem weird since Alex does a lot of screaming especially in the earlier albums.
I've been listening to Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses a lot today. It's a pretty depressing album, but I like it anyway and it doesn't depress me. Once upon a time I could relate to A Vampire's Lament. Yes, I was that depressed. I just enjoy the song now though. I don't relate to most of the songs on that album now, but there are a few lines scattered here and there.
Lip Gloss and Black is and has been my favorite song since the album came out. The beginning is just so...beautiful. Then the Brandon leads up to the first verse with his beautiful drumming skills. That first verse is my favorite and I always quote the first part of it.

If I gave you pretty enough words, could you paint a picture of us that works? Emphasis on function, rather than design.

Maybe it's because I choose difficult guys. I don't know. Don't care really. I just like it. The point is that when someone you care about that much is in pain, you try to ease their burden by putting it on yourself, but of course that's hard on you and frustrating if they don't let you in. It's romantic in a dark way, the self sacrifice. I guess I relate to it because I'm constantly sacrificing my own happiness and time to help other people. Is that so bad? Maybe some day I'll burn out, but right now helping friends makes me happy even if sometimes I feel worn to the bone and like nothing will ever change. Luckily, up to this point, I haven't felt completely pessimistic about anything for even a whole day.

For example, I've been worried about a couple of my best friends recently, because they've been having a difficult time in college. I want them to do well and be happy. So I sent one of them a care package, and that seemed to brighten her day, along with some advice. After that I felt better as well. I miss her like crazy.
And of course, there is the one who either manages to make me feel completely miserable or happy. Like I said, luckily I'm not a pessimist, so I don't let that keep me down for long. My stubborn streak also comes in handy in that situation. Part of it is my fault though. I won't deny that. I should be more honest about when my feelings have been hurt. I'm just not very good at being vulnerable. Is anyone though?
Strength is valued in this culture. I'm not saying that's bad, but I'd like to feel like I can let my guard down. The conversation in my head is going something like this:
Take a chance
I am taking a chance damn it
Take a bigger one
FINE

I'm silly like that.
Funny I didn't think I had anything to say today. I was just going to post another song from Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses that I like. So I will now. This is the first song that I was ever introduced to. No warning of how loud and how much screaming there would be. At the time, the only screamed words I could make out were "fuck" and "shit."

Go
Coward, the next time you want to fuck me over stab me in the front.
(Can I still see my future in your eyes)
Or can I picture myself stone dead in your embrace
And your cruel crimson smile kills me quietly

No one could have their moments free from your withering touch...
Fuck off like you're the only one who has ever cried or been broken by love
Spare me your pity party drunk off your own misfortunes
Wallowing in your blissful melancholy

Can you taste my blood?
You knew that this would kill me but you carried on and on with your selfish shit.
Everyone cared about you why couldn't you
Instead your greed compelled you to steal other silver linings...

Burnt down my world, you killed my hope
Spread out the ash and walked away
How could you just close off your eyes...
Turn tail and run, you are the greatest coward

Come On
Damn right I'm still pissed...
Next time I see your face we'll see who has the upper hand
Kiss my fist. Taste the floor. Tired of your games... fuck off goodbye...

Aren't You Tired Of Being Weak?

I'll end on a positive note, with my favorite song for the past 8 years.

If I gave you pretty enough words
Could you paint a picture of us that works?
With emphasis on function rather than design
Aren't you tired?
cause i will carry you
On a broken back and blown out knees
I have been where you are for a while

Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die

I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold...
I am exhumed just a little less human...

After all these images of pain
Have cut right through you
I will kiss every scar and weep
You are not alone
Then I'll show you that place,
in my chest where my heart,
still tries to beat;
It still tries to beat

Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die

Live, Love, Burn, Die...

I'm In Love

No really, I am. I've been waiting for Atreyu's new album to come out for months and today was the day; is the day! Their new album is entitled Congregation of the Dead. I just came back from bullmoose and listened to it in my car all the way home.

What can I say? This is the best album they have ever made. Each album up until now has been different. Their first, Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses has always been my favorite though. My favorite song was Lip Gloss and Black. My favorite quote of all time comes from that song.

If I gave you pretty enough words, could you paint a picture of us that works; Emphasis on function, rather than design.

This album though...it's amazing. It's a combination of all the albums in one. All of their best in one album. Each song makes me want to get up and rock out. It's so good I even cried.

They've been together for 10 years. I discovered them 8 years ago, when my first boyfriend introduced me to their music with the song, Deanne the Arsonist. It was quite a shock, but I loved it! They/my first boyfriend got me through one of the worst years of my life. They're the only band I never get sick of. I love ALL of their songs. The boys are great too! Brandon Saller is my hero! He has the most beautiful voice and his drumming is...so fucking good. I love Alex. His scream is the best and I love that he even sings now! Best guitar I've ever heard. Little Dan is so adorable and so fierce! My favorite riff is still from their first album toward of the song, Someone's Standing On My Chest." So fucking good live. I've seen been lucky enough to see them 3 times. Talking to Brandon Saller and telling him that he was my inspiration for drumming was so amazing. Last time they came to Portland with with Taste of Chaos tour, they came out wearing Pirates jerseys. That was the most amazing moment of my life...until now.

My only regret is that I will not be in New York to see their show and they don't have anywhere closer planned is their tour. I'm still half considering driving to New York though. It's not gonna happen, but still....

This album is better than chocolate. It's better than the best orgasm in the world. It's better than me and it's better than you. So go out and buy it. Don't tell me if you illegally download it, because I won't forgive you. Better yet, Don't illegally download it period.

Favorite Song from each album:
1. Sucide Notes and Butterfly Kisses: Lip Gloss and Black
2. The Curse: Nevada's Grace
3. A Death Grip On Yesterday: Ex's and Oh's
4. Lead Sails Paper Anchor: Slow Burn
5. Congregation of the Damned: You Were The King , Now You're Unconscious

In order from favorite to least favorite:
1. Lip Gloss and Black
2. You Were The King, Now You're Unconscious
3. Nevada's Grace
4. Slow Burn
5. Ex's and Oh's

Favorite Album to Least:
1. Congregation of the Damned

2. Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses
3. Lead Sails Paper Anchor
4. The Curse
5. A Deathgrip On Yesterday