Lets Do It

*

Where to begin. I have a lot on my mind. This past weekend was amazing in so many ways. I'm sure I'll go into more detail in another blog entry later.

I've been messaging back and forth with Imani recently. It's been nice. She said, "my opinion is the only one that matters." On this issue, I think she may be right. I've made up my mind, but I've been sounding it out with a couple of close friends to see their reactions. Honestly I don't care what they think because I've made up my mind, but I'd love it if they were supportive. It's a dormant decision, but time won't make me back out.

It's been weird transitioning back to every day life after spending a weekend with so many amazing women. Today I walked to class in the midst of 5 or 6 rather attractive men. It was a little overwhelming. Two of them tried to hit on me at different points too. One tried asking me for directions to a building, which he clearly knew the way to and the other walked me half to class. It was weird. I was nice to them though. They weren't jerks so no need to slap them in the face. Note to men: if you aren't approx. 6 ft, stubborn as hell, can't make me laugh in a short sentences or a few words, and aren't the most comfortable person in the world...oh sorry is that too specific? Hmm let me think...nope that's about right.

I've been seeing the world so differently. In psych I literally counted the number of sexist things my professor said. You don't want to know the number.
Yep I said it. Sexist. This absolutely does not mean I hate men. Couldn't be more opposite. There is a difference between "man haters" and women who see the reality of sexism in this culture. I'm not a man hater. I'm more aware now though. I don't want to just point it out and complain. That doesn't do the world any good. We need to change it.

So I've been working on getting rid of the stuff that holds me back in life or makes it harder to live a really full life free from oppression. I've got a lot apparently: born poor catholic, latino, currently middle class, jewish, dad's protestant influences, and of course female. I'll explain more about what this all means later when I'm more awake. Lately I've been getting more in touch with the part of me that was born poor and catholic. It's hard to believe that 12 months (9 in eutero) of that could influence a life, but it can and does. Luckily I have some older catholic adult friends who have been tremendously helpful with this. I'm constantly going "oh! that's why I do this or feel this" or "oh! that's why this person is like this." It's all quite facinating.

I guess my mom was right about RC. I've always thought that everyone needs a psychologist - even psychologists...especially psychologists. They're helpful. It's not all about fixing problems. Positive psychology is much different. RC is like that too though. It's about make the world a better place for each individual and the whole. So I now think that RC is a good resources for everyone also. It seems like one of the best ways to change the world for the better. Like I said...I'll go into more detail later, but for now I'm just going to really encourage everyone to visit the link below and talk to me about it.

(Just gonna warn you if you visit it. Discharge has a totally different meaning! It means emotional release or letting go of. Not dirty at all. An example would be laughing or shivering as an emotional release of embarrassment.)

http://www.rc.org/

*Paintings can be found here

Shameful

You should have ran for days,

You embrace, You betray...
I'm sad to say, You're a sad cliche,
But when you ran, You fell,
On a path that led you straight to hell...
This is the salt in your wounds,
This is my 'I told you so'

Last night was a bit on the crazy side. It brought me clarity on one subject though. I feel thoroughly betrayed by two of my best friends. The unwanted connection makes me bitter. Just the thought brings on a rage that I would hate to lose control of. No, what's scarier is that I want to lose control.

I've never thought anything over so much as I did when I cut the unwanted connection out of my life. What did I expect? I expected support in my decision. I expected people to see the rationality in it. Do they? I'm beginning to think not. Doubts are beginning to plant themselves in the back of my mind. Who can I really trust? In the end, who really has my back?

Last night I was taken by surprise by a little piece of information slipped to me by a loose tongue. I went livid. I shut myself in the bathroom trying to comprehend this betrayal. I couldn't. I thought maybe it was because my judgment was somewhat impaired. Hallie took me back to her suite to calm down. It worked somewhat, but it took a trip to 7/11 to calm me down. Then I remained cold and distant for the rest of the evening. I thought today it would be different because my head would clear. My head has never been clearer. I'm still betrayed.

Things are changing though. I'm passed the sad stage. I'm fucking furious. I will never cry another tear. It was never worth a single one in the first place. I will not do anything rash as long as it stays away from me. I don't need revenge, because it's suffering and will continue to suffer for a very long time on its own. If it attacks or approaches me, I will enjoy tearing it apart. I feel no guilt, because it deserves none. It dug its own lonely grave.

I will not sit back and take shit ever again though. Not from anyone. I used to be the kind of person who forgave and forgave. If you don't deserve forgiveness, then you will never get it from me. Mistakes are natural, but there is line.

As for the betrayers, I still love them. That will probably never change. They are family, and although my disgust is reflected upon them because of that connection, it can be worked through. I can only hope one day they will realize what I have.
This is the last time I will ever mention the subject.

You let yourself get carried away
Don't act like you're ashamed,
You let yourself get carried away
Bow your head now, accept the blame,
You let yourself get carried away
Bury this with you, a waste,

And now it's time to see,
What you don't mean to me.

Just Another Day

Today Beans and I had brunch together. Well more specifically Beans had brunch, while I felt quite nauseous and couldn't eat my food. Turns out it was wings I had the day before. I guess it's not good to miss 2 meals after going to Binga's.

Then we picked up Katya and visited Waynflete. We were there for quite awhile doing the rounds. Lorry talked me into leading a poetry workshop for some of the students there. I told her I was changing my major to English and she said "it's about time you realized this is your calling." That made me laugh. It's always nice to go back and catch up with teachers.

It made me think though (again). Waynflete affects you. You can't go there for a significant amount of time and have it not affect you. Waynflete is a way of life. There are good things and bad things about it, just like everything else. We may not like all the people we went to school with, but we're still a community. Highschool was a hell of a lot different from Middle school.

I was only there for 1 year of middle school, but it was enough to tell. The best friends I had in 8th grade were not the best friends I had in high school. The groups of people were different too. I had my group of boys/Imani (Tiger, Charlie, Ben, Matt, Tom Ryan and Imani), artsy/dancers (vano, iszy, lauren, carol, katya, eliza), serious students (nina, holly, eliza, aidan) and there was our new girls trio (iszy, amanda and me). At this point I'm still friends with 6 of them.

Then I got to know Jared, Jamie, Beans and eventually Sam. Still friends with Beans, Jared and Sam. Plus those 6 from before. They're some of the best people I know to this day. We all have our differences, but at this point we've accepted them. I'm just me, and they like me for that.

I also think it's good to mix things up. Meet new people, integrate them etc. Sometimes they just won't get along though no matter what. Kind of like the saying opposites attract. Well maybe so, but I strongly believe that if you don't have something in common, it won't work out. (this doesn't mean you can't be civil though)

Speaking of which, I was recently informed that my good friend's girlfriend compared him to Edward from Twilight. What The Fuck! Noooo. Not okay. Let's be honest. He's nothing like a real guy, so don't ever expect that from your man, ladies please! Men do not sparkle! Unless they happen to be Adam Lambert...Anyway. No! This is wrong. Don't force someone to be anything, but what and who they are.

This bring me back to the 'men like to show not tell' thing. Don't force a guy to tell you all the time. First of all, it's annoying. Second, if you need to hear it all the time, then you're probably insecure. Third, if you can't tell when he's showing you how he feels, you probably don't know him that well, and if you don't know him that well, why would he be showing you much? Guys need to know that there has to be an inital talk, and maybe a talk every so often (by which I mean, not so often) and ladies....pay attention and stop trying to make him into Mr. Darcy or Edward or whoever your ideal male book/movie/tv character. Key word = character. Doesn't exist.

A couple other things, I wrote a long note on facebook, which I will post on my hockey blog, since it has to do with hockey, but you should read it. Might give you some insight into hockey and me. Funny story relating to hockey:

Tonight I received a message from a certain hockey player about his lack of a new years eve. He asked how mine was in return. I was responding, while my mom was looking at the tv guide channel. Suddenly I saw BU vs. BC so I told her to flip to it. I stopped typing to root for BU. It was OT. So I go back to the message when my mom asked if they just said "Gerbe." I told her that's impossible because he's playing professionally now. Suddenly the game ended. A BC player scored the final goal of the beanpot. I yelled damn it then I heard the name, "Gerbe." The hockey player dove onto the ice in celebration and his teammates dove on top. I said it couldn't be, but we'd find out after everyone climbed off him. So it clears and it is indeed, Nathan Gerbe grinning on the ice. I find this funny because it all happened while we were messaging back and forth.

Last thing I promise. Everyone knows I love reading cosmo. It's just a fun, girly thing to do. So I was taking a quiz. The last question was "Circle all that apply." The last statement was, "You are comfortable with the amount of alcohol your man consumes." I laughed. Lets just leave it at that.

Year In Review

I think it's as good a time as any to do this.

I'll start with some major events: Krystal was put down, being depressed at college in New York, being in the first serious relationship since Harlan, moving home, moving from South Portland to Portland, getting up the courage to send a message on fb to this girl from Alaska (Hallie!), becoming friends with her, meeting other people, being in a relatively good place with Luke, finally convincing my parents to let me have a dog.

College/Academic: This semester has been way better. I actually enjoyed a couple of my classes. I've been thinking seriously about my future. No depression!

Family: Well it started out rough, but it's been improving. Last year my mom and I had the best relationship. Probably because I was 5 hours away and she wasn't telling me what to do. Then I came home and we had to move. I was anemic, which made it harder. Lots of arguing. Now I'd say it's bickering. My parents aren't arguing as much between themselves either. Still there arguements, while I'm in the next room watching tv and listening to see which one is out of place. Sometimes I call them out on it. They act more like children fighting than anyone else I know...which is probably why I feel like I don't have to listen to them anymore. But like I said it's a lot better.

Friends: Many new friends, but more importantly I met Hallie. It's nice to have someone you can tell anything to and vice versa. A lot of my friends I feel that way about, but you can never have enough. I feel lucky. It's one thing to "know" many people. It's another to have what I have. I now have more friends who are girls than guys (crazy! but awesome). Plus Hallie has basically been adopted by my parents and me :)

Pets: I know, I go on and on about Luca. I'm pretty damn excited for him. I missed Krystal so much. I still do some, but I don't really feel like she's gone. When I think about it, she was like the dog version of me: Happy, Optimistic, funny, loving and incredibly stubborn when she wanted to be. Luca won't replace her, but he'll be my companion through the next stage of my life. Krystal was there through my adolescence. Luca will see me through my 20's.

Men: I saved this one for last, because I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to say. It's been an interesting year. I started it out with a mistake. I'm kind of okay with that. I did learn something afterall. I don't like guys who are thinner than me, are needy, and think that buying everything for a girl makes for a good relationship (I even tried to convince him he was gay! (he had 10 times more clothes and shoes than me)). Then I began to wonder if there would ever be anyone who I would actually enjoy dating for more than 3 weeks. I even made a list in March:

1. Confident – Sure of self but not overly arrogant.
2. Independent – Has his own life and doesn’t depend on me to make them 100% happy. Not clingy.
3. Kind – Not just too people he know but to others as well.
4. Laid Back – calm and collected in most situations
5. Smart – reads, listens/watches news and understands, cares about world issues.
6. Open Minded – Listens to and thinks about other peoples ideas politely
7. Listens/Is Perceptive – Doesn’t talk incessantly and has the ability to listen and understand what others say.
8. Funny – Can make fun of himself and act quirky.
9. Honest – Believes lying is bad in any situation except surprises and doesn’t hide his problems.
10. Healthy – eats well enough; takes care of himself;
11. Practical about Money – Doesn’t spend excessive amounts of money on clothes, food, events on himself or others except on special occasions. Saves money.
12. Individual – Doesn’t act/dress like others to fit in. Shows personality.
13. Diligent – Works hard at his job/what he loves to do.
14. Attractive (to me) – Preferably short brown hair, brown eyes, masculine jaw line, tall or short (5'6), bright smile.

Of course that's a list of someone who's perfect in my eyes. Perfection doesn't actually exist. I knew that would narrow the search greatly, but that was the point. Not to have this exact man, but close enough. Now look again. Does this actually describe anyone? Can't be can it?

That's when I went, oh shit. This summer that is. I guess I'll say that I was warned over and over to be careful. Things get complicated when there's a past. The last couple of months have been confusing for sure. There was a point where I was really unsure and thought going back to the general dating thing would be better. That was interesting....At one point a guy I originally thought was gay had a crush on me. Then came the 26 year old Mainer. Some thought he was too young for me. Some made up teams. Team R and Team L.
They were all for Team R.
Imani and I were for Team L.

People say friends have no say in their dating decisions. I don't think that's true. However in my case, I said "fuck you all. if I hear one more negative word out of you, I'll punch you in the face (you know...the usual violent threat)."

In the end there was only ever one team anyway.

Wanna Get In The Stroller?

That would be a line from the stroller scene in Away We Go. Okay Hallie, you got me hooked on this movie. I had to buy it! I'm currently at the part where they are going to Montreal. It makes me miss Canada. I'm thinking about going to Toronto to visit my cousins (since i have an open invitation) when my parents go on a cruise in May. It kind of depends on my dog though...and obviously if Fran is okay with it.

Speaking of my dog. It really is going to be like raising a child...except not as difficult. Luca arrives the morning of the 19th, which means I will probably have to miss the game that night. That's okay though, because I would probably feel guilty if I left him the first night especially. Then my family is going to see the Magic of Christmas show on the 20th at 1 PM. Originally Emma scheduled a bunch of friends to meet her boy that night for dinner. I don't want to be gone twice in one day, so I invited everyone over to my house for dinner. Turns out it may happen the next day anyway.

For awhile my freedom to do things will be limited. I don't mind.

I refused to go on the cruise in May, because I don't want to leave my dog. I can't spend the night anywhere my dog can't go...which means no alcohol parties unless I have a ride home. I guess people are gonna have to come to my house more often! I hope Luca gets along well with Jared's dogs. That would be nice. Katya is going to be his godmother. She's going to be a dog owner vicariously through me. I'm going to do some dog therapy with Beans, because he's my brother and he should like my dog.

I know it's a big responsibility and I know I'm up to it, but when you care for, raise, and love something so pure, isn't there often a worry that you'll fuck it up? I know I won't, but it's still a thought in the back of my mind and my parents haven't been helpful in that department. Constant "well it's a lot of responsibility" and "I don't think you realize how much responsibility it is." I try my best to keep my temper under control when they say that, but a scene from SLC Punk runs through my head where Stevo listens to what his parents are saying and then stands up, flips them off with both hands and yells "Fuck. You!"

Anyway that brings me to New Years. I've been think about it since Jared brought up his parents being gone for New Years and maybe planning a little party there (with alcohol of course). I've kind of been unsure about that though, because there's someone else I wanted to spend New Years with too...and of course I'll have Hallie with me. I wouldn't leave her behind! She's my drinkin' buddy! as well as my sushi, Mornings In Paris, and (insert many other activities here) buddy.

Last year Kate, Katya and I wanted to do something nice for New Years. We wanted to go dancing, dress up, and they wanted to drink (I didn't drink at all back then). Unfortunately that wasn't really an option and our group of guys aren't really into that kind of thing. Suddenly this year it might be possible. Everything that I wanted...well not everything, but pretty damn close. I told Hallie of course and she was quite excited (she also has a concussion, which might be part of the loopy happiness, but that's okay!).

I have 2 dilemmas. First dilemma, I don't want my friends to think I'm betraying them/skipping out and in fact I really do want to spend New Years with them, but I want the chance to dress up, party in a hotel (okay really I could do without that). Really there is one reason I want to go. Good luck trying to make me say it out loud. But I haven't spent a New Years without Katya in years and I don't want to separate from my other half this year...and Iszy! She's my tipsy dancing buddy! Anyway if this new plan goes through, I've kind of made the choice. Talking to Hallie made me feel better about it too.
Second dilemma, Luca. I don't think it's a good idea leaving him alone for that long. Obviously he's gonna have to go outside and I can't go home in an intoxicated state...where as I could take Luca to Jared's house and it would be fine.

Anyway. Happy Chanukah! Give me gelt! 7 days and 7.5 hours until Luca arrives.