Santa Claus Is Not Coming To Town

Old Town Square, Praha, Česká Republika

Sorry kids. Hope I didn't dash your dreams.
My present didn't come wrapped. He came through a door on a cold winter morning. His eyes were exceedingly sad and chocolate brown. The kind you could drown in. He swiftly crossed the room and kissed me. I wrapped him in my arms and he rested his head on my shoulder as though he knew he was home.
His name is...Luca. I bet I got you on that one! Maybe not though...
Anyway, not expecting many presents tomorrow because Luca has become, as my mom says, "a thousand dollar dog." (vet, necessities, etc)

I'm still holding out for the best gift (besides Luca). It won't come in a package tomorrow. It won't come in a package at all. Got my hopes up and fingers crossed. You know me (if you know me, that is), I always have my hopes up. I'm happy to say, I haven't been disappointed yet, but there is always more.

Christmas has come so fast this year. I haven't played many Christmas songs recently, which is unusual for me. Honestly, I've been so busy with Luca, I can't keep up with what day it is. Kind of lacking that extra special warm and fuzzy feeling this time of year usually brings. I feel luke warm. Maybe because I'm so tired? As a result the romantic aspect of the holiday season hasn't really hit me. That's probably a good thing. I'm not seeing couples everywhere and hoping they slip on ice. Just kidding. I would never think anything like that...maybe...("You'll never know...")

I'll save that negativity for Valentines Day. I hate that day. I hide and pretend it doesn't exist.

Speaking of couples during the holiday, I only thought of them today because I watched the Christmas tree lighting ceremony (a rerun obviously). At the end there was a sing-a-long to Walking In A Winter Wonderland. The camera stopped on a couple. The woman was singing enthusiastically and the guy was kind of bobbing along, but looked to embarrassed to sing. The woman turned to look at him and they both burst into laughter. It was the cutest thing.

Last order of the night: New Years. I'm pretty damn excited. Honestly I don't care if there are 8 of us or lot more. The important thing is that I get to be with all of my favorite people (hopefully all of them), look pretty (not that I don't most of the time), dance and laugh. I love planning parties, decorating and baking etc. Then I get to enjoy the evening and watch the ball drop in Time Square and maybe...

"Highschool Never Ends"

That's a quote from The Jane Austin Book Club. It made me wonder: Is that true? I started to think, maybe. In large highschools probably not, but in small schools like Waynflete? I see people from 'flete everywhere all the time. I have my group of friends from there. We're really like a family and it's kind of hard to infiltrate, but I've been trying to add to our group.

I often hang out with the guys (Jared, Beans, and Sam). It's nice to revert back to childhood with them or even just being a teenager. When I was 10, I wished I was 18. Then someone told me that I shouldn't want to grow up so fast. So I stopped. I started enjoying every year as it came and went. Now I'm an adult. Truly, it's not as fun as it was when I was 7, but I still enjoy it. There are new fun things to do, but more responsibility too.

For the past 5 days, I've been a mother. Holy shit it's hard! Luca isn't even a real baby! He's the equivalent of a toddler. Today was bad. I had to clean up his puke from my car and poop from a chinese rug. Not so fun. Not so fun waking up at 7 or 8 to make sure he doesn't pee in his crate and I'm exhausted early in the evening. By 5 PM I just want to sit and watch tv. By 10 I want to go to bed. It's worth it though. That's my biggest responsibility right now.

Speaking of responsibility, in 10 months and 17 days, I'll be 21. Last year, I thought people died off at 20 and came back older (not literally).

Year In Review

I think it's as good a time as any to do this.

I'll start with some major events: Krystal was put down, being depressed at college in New York, being in the first serious relationship since Harlan, moving home, moving from South Portland to Portland, getting up the courage to send a message on fb to this girl from Alaska (Hallie!), becoming friends with her, meeting other people, being in a relatively good place with Luke, finally convincing my parents to let me have a dog.

College/Academic: This semester has been way better. I actually enjoyed a couple of my classes. I've been thinking seriously about my future. No depression!

Family: Well it started out rough, but it's been improving. Last year my mom and I had the best relationship. Probably because I was 5 hours away and she wasn't telling me what to do. Then I came home and we had to move. I was anemic, which made it harder. Lots of arguing. Now I'd say it's bickering. My parents aren't arguing as much between themselves either. Still there arguements, while I'm in the next room watching tv and listening to see which one is out of place. Sometimes I call them out on it. They act more like children fighting than anyone else I know...which is probably why I feel like I don't have to listen to them anymore. But like I said it's a lot better.

Friends: Many new friends, but more importantly I met Hallie. It's nice to have someone you can tell anything to and vice versa. A lot of my friends I feel that way about, but you can never have enough. I feel lucky. It's one thing to "know" many people. It's another to have what I have. I now have more friends who are girls than guys (crazy! but awesome). Plus Hallie has basically been adopted by my parents and me :)

Pets: I know, I go on and on about Luca. I'm pretty damn excited for him. I missed Krystal so much. I still do some, but I don't really feel like she's gone. When I think about it, she was like the dog version of me: Happy, Optimistic, funny, loving and incredibly stubborn when she wanted to be. Luca won't replace her, but he'll be my companion through the next stage of my life. Krystal was there through my adolescence. Luca will see me through my 20's.

Men: I saved this one for last, because I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to say. It's been an interesting year. I started it out with a mistake. I'm kind of okay with that. I did learn something afterall. I don't like guys who are thinner than me, are needy, and think that buying everything for a girl makes for a good relationship (I even tried to convince him he was gay! (he had 10 times more clothes and shoes than me)). Then I began to wonder if there would ever be anyone who I would actually enjoy dating for more than 3 weeks. I even made a list in March:

1. Confident – Sure of self but not overly arrogant.
2. Independent – Has his own life and doesn’t depend on me to make them 100% happy. Not clingy.
3. Kind – Not just too people he know but to others as well.
4. Laid Back – calm and collected in most situations
5. Smart – reads, listens/watches news and understands, cares about world issues.
6. Open Minded – Listens to and thinks about other peoples ideas politely
7. Listens/Is Perceptive – Doesn’t talk incessantly and has the ability to listen and understand what others say.
8. Funny – Can make fun of himself and act quirky.
9. Honest – Believes lying is bad in any situation except surprises and doesn’t hide his problems.
10. Healthy – eats well enough; takes care of himself;
11. Practical about Money – Doesn’t spend excessive amounts of money on clothes, food, events on himself or others except on special occasions. Saves money.
12. Individual – Doesn’t act/dress like others to fit in. Shows personality.
13. Diligent – Works hard at his job/what he loves to do.
14. Attractive (to me) – Preferably short brown hair, brown eyes, masculine jaw line, tall or short (5'6), bright smile.

Of course that's a list of someone who's perfect in my eyes. Perfection doesn't actually exist. I knew that would narrow the search greatly, but that was the point. Not to have this exact man, but close enough. Now look again. Does this actually describe anyone? Can't be can it?

That's when I went, oh shit. This summer that is. I guess I'll say that I was warned over and over to be careful. Things get complicated when there's a past. The last couple of months have been confusing for sure. There was a point where I was really unsure and thought going back to the general dating thing would be better. That was interesting....At one point a guy I originally thought was gay had a crush on me. Then came the 26 year old Mainer. Some thought he was too young for me. Some made up teams. Team R and Team L.
They were all for Team R.
Imani and I were for Team L.

People say friends have no say in their dating decisions. I don't think that's true. However in my case, I said "fuck you all. if I hear one more negative word out of you, I'll punch you in the face (you know...the usual violent threat)."

In the end there was only ever one team anyway.

Wanna Get In The Stroller?

That would be a line from the stroller scene in Away We Go. Okay Hallie, you got me hooked on this movie. I had to buy it! I'm currently at the part where they are going to Montreal. It makes me miss Canada. I'm thinking about going to Toronto to visit my cousins (since i have an open invitation) when my parents go on a cruise in May. It kind of depends on my dog though...and obviously if Fran is okay with it.

Speaking of my dog. It really is going to be like raising a child...except not as difficult. Luca arrives the morning of the 19th, which means I will probably have to miss the game that night. That's okay though, because I would probably feel guilty if I left him the first night especially. Then my family is going to see the Magic of Christmas show on the 20th at 1 PM. Originally Emma scheduled a bunch of friends to meet her boy that night for dinner. I don't want to be gone twice in one day, so I invited everyone over to my house for dinner. Turns out it may happen the next day anyway.

For awhile my freedom to do things will be limited. I don't mind.

I refused to go on the cruise in May, because I don't want to leave my dog. I can't spend the night anywhere my dog can't go...which means no alcohol parties unless I have a ride home. I guess people are gonna have to come to my house more often! I hope Luca gets along well with Jared's dogs. That would be nice. Katya is going to be his godmother. She's going to be a dog owner vicariously through me. I'm going to do some dog therapy with Beans, because he's my brother and he should like my dog.

I know it's a big responsibility and I know I'm up to it, but when you care for, raise, and love something so pure, isn't there often a worry that you'll fuck it up? I know I won't, but it's still a thought in the back of my mind and my parents haven't been helpful in that department. Constant "well it's a lot of responsibility" and "I don't think you realize how much responsibility it is." I try my best to keep my temper under control when they say that, but a scene from SLC Punk runs through my head where Stevo listens to what his parents are saying and then stands up, flips them off with both hands and yells "Fuck. You!"

Anyway that brings me to New Years. I've been think about it since Jared brought up his parents being gone for New Years and maybe planning a little party there (with alcohol of course). I've kind of been unsure about that though, because there's someone else I wanted to spend New Years with too...and of course I'll have Hallie with me. I wouldn't leave her behind! She's my drinkin' buddy! as well as my sushi, Mornings In Paris, and (insert many other activities here) buddy.

Last year Kate, Katya and I wanted to do something nice for New Years. We wanted to go dancing, dress up, and they wanted to drink (I didn't drink at all back then). Unfortunately that wasn't really an option and our group of guys aren't really into that kind of thing. Suddenly this year it might be possible. Everything that I wanted...well not everything, but pretty damn close. I told Hallie of course and she was quite excited (she also has a concussion, which might be part of the loopy happiness, but that's okay!).

I have 2 dilemmas. First dilemma, I don't want my friends to think I'm betraying them/skipping out and in fact I really do want to spend New Years with them, but I want the chance to dress up, party in a hotel (okay really I could do without that). Really there is one reason I want to go. Good luck trying to make me say it out loud. But I haven't spent a New Years without Katya in years and I don't want to separate from my other half this year...and Iszy! She's my tipsy dancing buddy! Anyway if this new plan goes through, I've kind of made the choice. Talking to Hallie made me feel better about it too.
Second dilemma, Luca. I don't think it's a good idea leaving him alone for that long. Obviously he's gonna have to go outside and I can't go home in an intoxicated state...where as I could take Luca to Jared's house and it would be fine.

Anyway. Happy Chanukah! Give me gelt! 7 days and 7.5 hours until Luca arrives.