I think now is a good moment to explain the workshop I went to last weekend. If you remember, I went to a women's workshop about a month ago and I had a lot to say about that in one of my blog entries.
Well this work shop was on early memories. Basically the theory is, put in very simple terms, that our early experiences can have a profound effect on us (positively as well as negatively) and the lives we lead in the present. We evaluate that and work through anything that needs to be worked through to prevent further negative affects.
I worked on 2 parts of my early life. There is question asked by the counselor and then you say what first comes to your mind. For a bit, it was taking baths as a toddler. When we lived in Maine the first time, we had a large claw foot tub and my parents used to bathe me in there with them. I remember it being large and being able to paddle around. The feelings surrounding it are happiness and warmth. From there I remembered being bathed as a baby in a blue plastic tub. I also associated that with warmth, happiness and being connected with my parents. Then at some point I realized that warm happy place was also what I would have experienced in the womb (when my birth mother wasn't intoxicated at least). For me that's a positive feeling and it's nice to realize why I love taking long, warm showers or like to sit in a hot tub for so long.
The other one is not so pleasant. I've been working on my birth parents stuff, because it definitely affects me in my current life and I want to be free of that. I know it's possible. This work shop moved a huge chunk of that.
More specifically I've been working on my birth father. He left before I was born. I vaguely remember someone saying he had to disappear in order for my birth mother to legally give me up for adoption. So I never knew who he was. I know he was catholic though and I know he left. I know my birth mother was an alcoholic and I have a feeling he was also. After all it's a highly patriarchal society, so if he drank excessively, my birth mother would have been more likely to also and I know for sure she did. Makes sense. Also excessive drinking tends to be more prominent in lower classes.
So what's important? He left, he was catholic and he was probably an alcoholic.
Does this sound like anyone else we know?
Is it coincidence that the only man I haven't been able to get over disappears frequently, is catholic and an alcoholic? No it's not. There you have my early stuff relating to my current life. So I cried and got angry at my birth father all weekend (not at the current guy in my life). When I got there I was at a point where my biggest question was, who is this man who has so much pull over my life because of his absense. It explains a lot really. It explains my pull toward catholic men, working class men, the "pound puppies" as my dad calls it (after all I dated a heroin addict), and why I'm more attached to my adopted father than my mother. It's not rational, it's emotional and it can be gotten rid of.
By the end it was, well maybe it's time to let him go. So there was a little bit of me saying good bye dad. Then we attached it to the present and I had to say good bye to Luke. That was harder, but by the end I could actually think, "maybe I could say good bye to Luke." The point isn't really saying good bye to him. The point is that I am freer from those desperate emotions tying me to my birth father. To be clear I'm not saying he's literally a representative of my birth father. Just certain aspects are similar.
So this past week I haven't sent any texts to Luke. I decided if he wanted to talk to me he could initiate it. I didn't even think about it as much as usual. I felt like I could breath. I still do. I feel freer. These feelings aren't tying me down so much. Of course they're not gone completely. You can't do that in a weekend, but it can be done and that's what I will continue to work on. This weekend has also gotten me past a lot of the anger directed toward my birth parents. Anger is just a cover up emotion for hurt. That can be worked through. Wouldn't it be nice to be free of those feelings that affect us so much whether they're associated with our parents or other people or institutions? It's possible.
I'm starting my second week breathing more freely. It's glorious.
______________
But last night Luke sent me a text. He asked if I was mad at him. I asked him what made him think I was. He said it was because of how I acted in the bank before I left for the workshop and because I hadn't responded to his texts that week. He said he sent a couple and I never replied. Well I never got them or I would have (probably). I was somewhat mad at the bank. More like I was hurt that I told him I would be busy for a week and a half if he wasn't free before the workshop and as usual, he didn't step up. I was running around that day before having to drive to Bethel, so I didn't have time to cry over him. I just covered it up with anger.
I'm not really sure what to think though. Should I be pleased that he cared enough to ask? Does he care? I think my doubts are just more feelings getting in the way of me thinking clearly. Something along the line of "If my birth parents didn't care, if the woman who's supposed to have that strong biological bond with me gave me up then she didn't care, and if she didn't then why would anyone else?" Like I said, it's not real and I've worked on it enough to realize it. Needs more work though clearly.
So I think it's good that he thought about me. Things can't stay the same though. I'm thinking clearly enough to realize it. I can't function with him constantly disappearing and never knowing if at some point he's going to decide he won't come back. He needs to take a chance on me, because I have proven over the last 9 months and certainly since he decided he wanted to try "semi serious" that I am not going anywhere and that I can handle the fact that he's not as sure of where he's going in life as I am. That's okay.
I know my own worth and I don't want to be taken for granted. I've been patient, but at some point living in the grey area doesn't work any more and you have to take a stand. He said he wanted to try semi serious. Well this isn't semi serious. This is me waiting and hoping that he steps out of the grey area and crying weekly when he doesn't. I'm not a toy to be played with when there's time or he's interested or there's nothing else to do. I'm a person. I'm not just a person though. I'm the girl who cares about him more than almost any other man (aside from my dad and my brother of course).
Sometimes I just want swat him across the head and say, "hey you idiot. I..."*
But I'm not angry.
*to be continued when it happens
Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Bodies
You know, the ones I hide behind my condo. It looks like once again I've said too much. Oh well!
What I'm really referring to is the part of the workshop where we talked about and worked on women's/our bodies. Generally I felt connected to the group, but not so much for this part. We talked about fat oppression, which is something I'd never really heard of in those terms before.
This society is so out of touch with the real meaning of beauty and individuality. Skinny is in. Anorexia and Bulimia are in. Remember when people that skinny could only be found in concentration camps and third world nations? Well I guess it's still true in poverty ridden areas, but it's a mainstream thing now. It's one thing to be naturally skinny. It's another to starve yourself, create an over-exhausting exercise routine and constantly put yourself down because you no longer have a realistic idea of what your body should look like. It should look like you. healthy. For everyone that image is different.
Fat oppression is, put every simply, the belief that if you're large, it's your choice and every day people judge you for that. Some people are naturally larger and that's healthy for them. There is nothing wrong with that, but society says there is and so it's harder for those people to accept themselves, be happy with their bodies, and be accepted by others.
So we split up into two separate groups. Those who classified themselves as large women and those who classified themselves as allies to large women. I was in the latter group.
Our focus was on appreciating our bodies. This was pretty easy for me. There's a lot more that I can appreciate about my body than criticize it for. I love looking in the mirror. I do it before I leave for class in the morning or wherever I go and I think "wow. I look pretty damn good." Then I can walk around with complete confidence all day, because I already know I'm a smart cookie (yeah PMS is beginning. There may be more references to sugary or salty food). What could be more beautiful than a smart, beautiful woman right?
Well unfortunately that scares a lot of men. Again, with the sexism, but the best can appreciate it and like it. Am I confident? Yes. Always? No, but most of the time. Am I conceited? No.
However, I didn't feel like I fit into this group very well. After all, I'm Latina. We have different bodies anyway. Someone told me a story about someone else who had told them about living in a latino neighborhood in New York. She said these Latinas were curvy and some even had bellies, by which I mean non flat stomachs, but they wore clothing that conformed to their curves and carried themselves with the utmost confidence and the men liked this.
I wasn't really surprised by this story, I've seen that myself after living in Hempstead for a year. My ex from Trinidad is a great example of this. His opinion of a beautiful woman is a brown woman, who has curves and who's "thighs touch." That's simplifying it a little and limiting it to brown women is a bit racist on the opposite side of the specrum (directed toward white people), but that's what he told me. I was shocked when I first heard him say this. My reaction went something like this: "wait...what? thigh's touching?" I have never heard a man from this country say anything like that, which is unfortunate. However, I'm sure there are men in this country who would agree with my ex, but in general that's not what this society accepts as beautiful.
I suppose if we lived in a society without opression of any kind we wouldn't even have "types." We could see the attractive qualities in everyone. For example, my "type" is generally tall, brown hair, brown eyes, broad shoulders, square jaw. These are all traits typical in white American society, which I have grown up in.
The reason I don't generally find brown or black men attractive? Well there are 2. First, racism. I've grown up in a white society where racism still exists, not just a little, but a lot. Everyone everywhere carries a racism with them to a certain degree. It's at the point where we realize this that we can change it. Sec0nd reason is because I still have a lot of anger directed toward my birth mother and family, which I associate with latino's in general. I've gotten better with not putting that anger on all latinos though and I've decided to finally learn Spanish.
More to come...
What I'm really referring to is the part of the workshop where we talked about and worked on women's/our bodies. Generally I felt connected to the group, but not so much for this part. We talked about fat oppression, which is something I'd never really heard of in those terms before.
This society is so out of touch with the real meaning of beauty and individuality. Skinny is in. Anorexia and Bulimia are in. Remember when people that skinny could only be found in concentration camps and third world nations? Well I guess it's still true in poverty ridden areas, but it's a mainstream thing now. It's one thing to be naturally skinny. It's another to starve yourself, create an over-exhausting exercise routine and constantly put yourself down because you no longer have a realistic idea of what your body should look like. It should look like you. healthy. For everyone that image is different.
So we split up into two separate groups. Those who classified themselves as large women and those who classified themselves as allies to large women. I was in the latter group.
Our focus was on appreciating our bodies. This was pretty easy for me. There's a lot more that I can appreciate about my body than criticize it for. I love looking in the mirror. I do it before I leave for class in the morning or wherever I go and I think "wow. I look pretty damn good." Then I can walk around with complete confidence all day, because I already know I'm a smart cookie (yeah PMS is beginning. There may be more references to sugary or salty food). What could be more beautiful than a smart, beautiful woman right?
Well unfortunately that scares a lot of men. Again, with the sexism, but the best can appreciate it and like it. Am I confident? Yes. Always? No, but most of the time. Am I conceited? No.
However, I didn't feel like I fit into this group very well. After all, I'm Latina. We have different bodies anyway. Someone told me a story about someone else who had told them about living in a latino neighborhood in New York. She said these Latinas were curvy and some even had bellies, by which I mean non flat stomachs, but they wore clothing that conformed to their curves and carried themselves with the utmost confidence and the men liked this.
I wasn't really surprised by this story, I've seen that myself after living in Hempstead for a year. My ex from Trinidad is a great example of this. His opinion of a beautiful woman is a brown woman, who has curves and who's "thighs touch." That's simplifying it a little and limiting it to brown women is a bit racist on the opposite side of the specrum (directed toward white people), but that's what he told me. I was shocked when I first heard him say this. My reaction went something like this: "wait...what? thigh's touching?" I have never heard a man from this country say anything like that, which is unfortunate. However, I'm sure there are men in this country who would agree with my ex, but in general that's not what this society accepts as beautiful.
I suppose if we lived in a society without opression of any kind we wouldn't even have "types." We could see the attractive qualities in everyone. For example, my "type" is generally tall, brown hair, brown eyes, broad shoulders, square jaw. These are all traits typical in white American society, which I have grown up in.
The reason I don't generally find brown or black men attractive? Well there are 2. First, racism. I've grown up in a white society where racism still exists, not just a little, but a lot. Everyone everywhere carries a racism with them to a certain degree. It's at the point where we realize this that we can change it. Sec0nd reason is because I still have a lot of anger directed toward my birth mother and family, which I associate with latino's in general. I've gotten better with not putting that anger on all latinos though and I've decided to finally learn Spanish.
More to come...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Sex and The City...Again
I know I've written about this before, but it's really weird when I turn on the tv at 1 AM to find a Sex and the City episode or two in a row that parallel my own life in regard to men or friends.
It's the first episode where Miranda is a mother. The other girls go off shopping and chasing sailors while she has to go home and take care of her baby. Then Carrie visits, but Miranda is so distracted that she doesn't hear half of what Carrie says....
Good to know that I have the ability to be a mother...way way in the future. If anything it has given me a clearer picture of what it's going to be like...way way in the future. Speaking of which, I've come to the decision that adopted kids need the best parents possible otherwise we'll be really fucked up. The parents need to know how to listen really well, who don't offer advice (to their young adult children) unless they ask or it's really needed, who have a lot of time to devote (way more than with other kids), who make sure the children know about their heritage and birth family, who understand that the children are going to have a lot of feelings about being adopted and be able to address them, and other stuff too...
On a separate note, I just watched the Lopez show. The advertisements for it looked ridiculous, so I never really considered watching it. I kind of liked it though. There were some good jokes, some spanish, some latino references. It was very...latino. I liked it. It's the kind of thing I miss about New York.
I'm kind of looking forward to this weekend...finally. All women. All weekend. I feel like my head is pretty clear, but this weekend will clear it even more. I'll come back a freer, more relaxed person. So, while I would rather see Luke this weekend, I think this will probably be a pretty good alternative. Plus I don't have to take care of Luca! Vacation! Woo! I don't have to get up at 8 and walk my dog in the cold before I even get my contacts in or right before I go to bed. This is really exciting. I love him, but I need a break.
Okay sleep time.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Year In Review
I think it's as good a time as any to do this.
I'll start with some major events: Krystal was put down, being depressed at college in New York, being in the first serious relationship since Harlan, moving home, moving from South Portland to Portland, getting up the courage to send a message on fb to this girl from Alaska (Hallie!), becoming friends with her, meeting other people, being in a relatively good place with Luke, finally convincing my parents to let me have a dog.
College/Academic: This semester has been way better. I actually enjoyed a couple of my classes. I've been thinking seriously about my future. No depression!
Family: Well it started out rough, but it's been improving. Last year my mom and I had the best relationship. Probably because I was 5 hours away and she wasn't telling me what to do. Then I came home and we had to move. I was anemic, which made it harder. Lots of arguing. Now I'd say it's bickering. My parents aren't arguing as much between themselves either. Still there arguements, while I'm in the next room watching tv and listening to see which one is out of place. Sometimes I call them out on it. They act more like children fighting than anyone else I know...which is probably why I feel like I don't have to listen to them anymore. But like I said it's a lot better.
Friends: Many new friends, but more importantly I met Hallie. It's nice to have someone you can tell anything to and vice versa. A lot of my friends I feel that way about, but you can never have enough. I feel lucky. It's one thing to "know" many people. It's another to have what I have. I now have more friends who are girls than guys (crazy! but awesome). Plus Hallie has basically been adopted by my parents and me :)
Pets: I know, I go on and on about Luca. I'm pretty damn excited for him. I missed Krystal so much. I still do some, but I don't really feel like she's gone. When I think about it, she was like the dog version of me: Happy, Optimistic, funny, loving and incredibly stubborn when she wanted to be. Luca won't replace her, but he'll be my companion through the next stage of my life. Krystal was there through my adolescence. Luca will see me through my 20's.
Men: I saved this one for last, because I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to say. It's been an interesting year. I started it out with a mistake. I'm kind of okay with that. I did learn something afterall. I don't like guys who are thinner than me, are needy, and think that buying everything for a girl makes for a good relationship (I even tried to convince him he was gay! (he had 10 times more clothes and shoes than me)). Then I began to wonder if there would ever be anyone who I would actually enjoy dating for more than 3 weeks. I even made a list in March:
1. Confident – Sure of self but not overly arrogant.
2. Independent – Has his own life and doesn’t depend on me to make them 100% happy. Not clingy.
3. Kind – Not just too people he know but to others as well.
4. Laid Back – calm and collected in most situations
5. Smart – reads, listens/watches news and understands, cares about world issues.
6. Open Minded – Listens to and thinks about other peoples ideas politely
7. Listens/Is Perceptive – Doesn’t talk incessantly and has the ability to listen and understand what others say.
8. Funny – Can make fun of himself and act quirky.
9. Honest – Believes lying is bad in any situation except surprises and doesn’t hide his problems.
10. Healthy – eats well enough; takes care of himself;
11. Practical about Money – Doesn’t spend excessive amounts of money on clothes, food, events on himself or others except on special occasions. Saves money.
12. Individual – Doesn’t act/dress like others to fit in. Shows personality.
13. Diligent – Works hard at his job/what he loves to do.
14. Attractive (to me) – Preferably short brown hair, brown eyes, masculine jaw line, tall or short (5'6), bright smile.
Of course that's a list of someone who's perfect in my eyes. Perfection doesn't actually exist. I knew that would narrow the search greatly, but that was the point. Not to have this exact man, but close enough. Now look again. Does this actually describe anyone? Can't be can it?
That's when I went, oh shit. This summer that is. I guess I'll say that I was warned over and over to be careful. Things get complicated when there's a past. The last couple of months have been confusing for sure. There was a point where I was really unsure and thought going back to the general dating thing would be better. That was interesting....At one point a guy I originally thought was gay had a crush on me. Then came the 26 year old Mainer. Some thought he was too young for me. Some made up teams. Team R and Team L.
They were all for Team R.
Imani and I were for Team L.
People say friends have no say in their dating decisions. I don't think that's true. However in my case, I said "fuck you all. if I hear one more negative word out of you, I'll punch you in the face (you know...the usual violent threat)."
In the end there was only ever one team anyway.
I'll start with some major events: Krystal was put down, being depressed at college in New York, being in the first serious relationship since Harlan, moving home, moving from South Portland to Portland, getting up the courage to send a message on fb to this girl from Alaska (Hallie!), becoming friends with her, meeting other people, being in a relatively good place with Luke, finally convincing my parents to let me have a dog.
College/Academic: This semester has been way better. I actually enjoyed a couple of my classes. I've been thinking seriously about my future. No depression!
Family: Well it started out rough, but it's been improving. Last year my mom and I had the best relationship. Probably because I was 5 hours away and she wasn't telling me what to do. Then I came home and we had to move. I was anemic, which made it harder. Lots of arguing. Now I'd say it's bickering. My parents aren't arguing as much between themselves either. Still there arguements, while I'm in the next room watching tv and listening to see which one is out of place. Sometimes I call them out on it. They act more like children fighting than anyone else I know...which is probably why I feel like I don't have to listen to them anymore. But like I said it's a lot better.
Friends: Many new friends, but more importantly I met Hallie. It's nice to have someone you can tell anything to and vice versa. A lot of my friends I feel that way about, but you can never have enough. I feel lucky. It's one thing to "know" many people. It's another to have what I have. I now have more friends who are girls than guys (crazy! but awesome). Plus Hallie has basically been adopted by my parents and me :)
Pets: I know, I go on and on about Luca. I'm pretty damn excited for him. I missed Krystal so much. I still do some, but I don't really feel like she's gone. When I think about it, she was like the dog version of me: Happy, Optimistic, funny, loving and incredibly stubborn when she wanted to be. Luca won't replace her, but he'll be my companion through the next stage of my life. Krystal was there through my adolescence. Luca will see me through my 20's.
Men: I saved this one for last, because I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to say. It's been an interesting year. I started it out with a mistake. I'm kind of okay with that. I did learn something afterall. I don't like guys who are thinner than me, are needy, and think that buying everything for a girl makes for a good relationship (I even tried to convince him he was gay! (he had 10 times more clothes and shoes than me)). Then I began to wonder if there would ever be anyone who I would actually enjoy dating for more than 3 weeks. I even made a list in March:
1. Confident – Sure of self but not overly arrogant.
2. Independent – Has his own life and doesn’t depend on me to make them 100% happy. Not clingy.
3. Kind – Not just too people he know but to others as well.
4. Laid Back – calm and collected in most situations
5. Smart – reads, listens/watches news and understands, cares about world issues.
6. Open Minded – Listens to and thinks about other peoples ideas politely
7. Listens/Is Perceptive – Doesn’t talk incessantly and has the ability to listen and understand what others say.
8. Funny – Can make fun of himself and act quirky.
9. Honest – Believes lying is bad in any situation except surprises and doesn’t hide his problems.
10. Healthy – eats well enough; takes care of himself;
11. Practical about Money – Doesn’t spend excessive amounts of money on clothes, food, events on himself or others except on special occasions. Saves money.
12. Individual – Doesn’t act/dress like others to fit in. Shows personality.
13. Diligent – Works hard at his job/what he loves to do.
14. Attractive (to me) – Preferably short brown hair, brown eyes, masculine jaw line, tall or short (5'6), bright smile.
Of course that's a list of someone who's perfect in my eyes. Perfection doesn't actually exist. I knew that would narrow the search greatly, but that was the point. Not to have this exact man, but close enough. Now look again. Does this actually describe anyone? Can't be can it?
That's when I went, oh shit. This summer that is. I guess I'll say that I was warned over and over to be careful. Things get complicated when there's a past. The last couple of months have been confusing for sure. There was a point where I was really unsure and thought going back to the general dating thing would be better. That was interesting....At one point a guy I originally thought was gay had a crush on me. Then came the 26 year old Mainer. Some thought he was too young for me. Some made up teams. Team R and Team L.
They were all for Team R.
Imani and I were for Team L.
People say friends have no say in their dating decisions. I don't think that's true. However in my case, I said "fuck you all. if I hear one more negative word out of you, I'll punch you in the face (you know...the usual violent threat)."
In the end there was only ever one team anyway.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
And So The Plot Thickens
So much for changing my sleep pattern. Last night I was up until 5:30 at which point I talked on the phone with a friend for an hour an 15 minutes.
It was all fun though and helpful, hopefully on her side as well as mine. Hearing her chase seagulls around a field was pretty entertaining though.
It made me think though...I, now, feel guilty. Kind of.
Remember how I was talking about love triangles and good guys vs. bad boys in my last post?
Well it doesn't just apply to me. First of all, mine is a love square now apparently. Well more like a like square.
It's frustrating, because I guess I stopped thinking that it was possible for there to be a good guy that isn't pathetic. Well not only is there 1, there are 2. I kind of saw it, but kind of not, because I didn't know for sure until recently. So I feel bad, because I don't want to hurt him. My feelings aren't completely platonic, but I know I should keep it that way, because maybe soulmates do exist?
Speaking of soulmates...I know I said I didn't believe in them and I'm not saying I really do now, but I'm beginning to wonder. What I mean is, I might think that there are quite a few people who you could be perfectly happy with and love, but maybe there really is one person who it just fits perfectly with. The likelihood of finding them is 6,000,000,000 to 1 though.
This isn't to say that "fit perfectly" means never fighting and always agreeing. Evidence shows that some arguing is healthy for a relationship. If this is true, then I don't think anyone would be able to break them apart aside from themselves.
It's just a thought.
Here's another one. I'm beginning to realize how the way guys have treated me in the past is affecting the way I react to guys currently. I'm not the only one thinking this either. I'm trying to change that though. I can't assume that every guy is going to get what he wants and disappear, or just disappear. Yes, this goes back to being a baby and having my birth mother "disappear," but it's been reinforced by guys in my past. So when a nice guy comes around and isn't like that at all, I'm suspicious and distant. Not good thing. My new mantra: It's okay to show affection. I can't let the past dictate the future.
Like my mom says, that kind of thing leads to "a small life."
It was all fun though and helpful, hopefully on her side as well as mine. Hearing her chase seagulls around a field was pretty entertaining though.
It made me think though...I, now, feel guilty. Kind of.
Remember how I was talking about love triangles and good guys vs. bad boys in my last post?
Well it doesn't just apply to me. First of all, mine is a love square now apparently. Well more like a like square.
It's frustrating, because I guess I stopped thinking that it was possible for there to be a good guy that isn't pathetic. Well not only is there 1, there are 2. I kind of saw it, but kind of not, because I didn't know for sure until recently. So I feel bad, because I don't want to hurt him. My feelings aren't completely platonic, but I know I should keep it that way, because maybe soulmates do exist?
Speaking of soulmates...I know I said I didn't believe in them and I'm not saying I really do now, but I'm beginning to wonder. What I mean is, I might think that there are quite a few people who you could be perfectly happy with and love, but maybe there really is one person who it just fits perfectly with. The likelihood of finding them is 6,000,000,000 to 1 though.
This isn't to say that "fit perfectly" means never fighting and always agreeing. Evidence shows that some arguing is healthy for a relationship. If this is true, then I don't think anyone would be able to break them apart aside from themselves.
It's just a thought.
Here's another one. I'm beginning to realize how the way guys have treated me in the past is affecting the way I react to guys currently. I'm not the only one thinking this either. I'm trying to change that though. I can't assume that every guy is going to get what he wants and disappear, or just disappear. Yes, this goes back to being a baby and having my birth mother "disappear," but it's been reinforced by guys in my past. So when a nice guy comes around and isn't like that at all, I'm suspicious and distant. Not good thing. My new mantra: It's okay to show affection. I can't let the past dictate the future.
Like my mom says, that kind of thing leads to "a small life."
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