Bodies

You know, the ones I hide behind my condo. It looks like once again I've said too much. Oh well!

What I'm really referring to is the part of the workshop where we talked about and worked on women's/our bodies. Generally I felt connected to the group, but not so much for this part. We talked about fat oppression, which is something I'd never really heard of in those terms before.

This society is so out of touch with the real meaning of beauty and individuality. Skinny is in. Anorexia and Bulimia are in. Remember when people that skinny could only be found in concentration camps and third world nations? Well I guess it's still true in poverty ridden areas, but it's a mainstream thing now. It's one thing to be naturally skinny. It's another to starve yourself, create an over-exhausting exercise routine and constantly put yourself down because you no longer have a realistic idea of what your body should look like. It should look like you. healthy. For everyone that image is different.

Fat oppression is, put every simply, the belief that if you're large, it's your choice and every day people judge you for that. Some people are naturally larger and that's healthy for them. There is nothing wrong with that, but society says there is and so it's harder for those people to accept themselves, be happy with their bodies, and be accepted by others.

So we split up into two separate groups. Those who classified themselves as large women and those who classified themselves as allies to large women. I was in the latter group.

Our focus was on appreciating our bodies. This was pretty easy for me. There's a lot more that I can appreciate about my body than criticize it for. I love looking in the mirror. I do it before I leave for class in the morning or wherever I go and I think "wow. I look pretty damn good." Then I can walk around with complete confidence all day, because I already know I'm a smart cookie (yeah PMS is beginning. There may be more references to sugary or salty food). What could be more beautiful than a smart, beautiful woman right?

Well unfortunately that scares a lot of men. Again, with the sexism, but the best can appreciate it and like it. Am I confident? Yes. Always? No, but most of the time. Am I conceited? No.

However, I didn't feel like I fit into this group very well. After all, I'm Latina. We have different bodies anyway. Someone told me a story about someone else who had told them about living in a latino neighborhood in New York. She said these Latinas were curvy and some even had bellies, by which I mean non flat stomachs, but they wore clothing that conformed to their curves and carried themselves with the utmost confidence and the men liked this.

I wasn't really surprised by this story, I've seen that myself after living in Hempstead for a year. My ex from Trinidad is a great example of this. His opinion of a beautiful woman is a brown woman, who has curves and who's "thighs touch." That's simplifying it a little and limiting it to brown women is a bit racist on the opposite side of the specrum (directed toward white people), but that's what he told me. I was shocked when I first heard him say this. My reaction went something like this: "wait...what? thigh's touching?" I have never heard a man from this country say anything like that, which is unfortunate. However, I'm sure there are men in this country who would agree with my ex, but in general that's not what this society accepts as beautiful.

I suppose if we lived in a society without opression of any kind we wouldn't even have "types." We could see the attractive qualities in everyone. For example, my "type" is generally tall, brown hair, brown eyes, broad shoulders, square jaw. These are all traits typical in white American society, which I have grown up in.

The reason I don't generally find brown or black men attractive? Well there are 2. First, racism. I've grown up in a white society where racism still exists, not just a little, but a lot. Everyone everywhere carries a racism with them to a certain degree. It's at the point where we realize this that we can change it. Sec0nd reason is because I still have a lot of anger directed toward my birth mother and family, which I associate with latino's in general. I've gotten better with not putting that anger on all latinos though and I've decided to finally learn Spanish.

More to come...

Sex and The City...Again

I know I've written about this before, but it's really weird when I turn on the tv at 1 AM to find a Sex and the City episode or two in a row that parallel my own life in regard to men or friends.

Tonight the first episode was about Big leaving New York. Apparently she found out after she called him. What a shocker. "Hey let's get together. What?! You're leaving?! Why didn't you tell me." Enough of that though.

The episode currently playing is about several things. Samantha's boyfriend, who she was in love with, cheated on her. So he kept calling and calling until she met him at a japanese restaurant. He ordered her a dirty martini. She threw it in his face and said "dirty martini, dirty man" and walked out in that 'I know you want me and I'm strong, sexy and confident even though you cheated on me.'

Of course I don't relate to that. I just relate to her ability to charm almost any guy she comes across. It's really not that difficult...kind of like men aren't that complicated. No one is if you're one of those observant people.

It's the first episode where Miranda is a mother. The other girls go off shopping and chasing sailors while she has to go home and take care of her baby. Then Carrie visits, but Miranda is so distracted that she doesn't hear half of what Carrie says....

I'm there. Not because I have a human baby, but because I have a 60 pound puppy who acts like a toddler. So I understand that she just wants to live a normal life. I love Luca to death, but I need a break every now and then. When I first got him it was like he was my only company. It was kind of lonely and what was worse, was hearing about everyone getting together and doing stuff. They'd invite me, but it's not like I could leave him. It was frustrating, because no one really understood how hard it was. Still is, but it's getting better.

Good to know that I have the ability to be a mother...way way in the future. If anything it has given me a clearer picture of what it's going to be like...way way in the future. Speaking of which, I've come to the decision that adopted kids need the best parents possible otherwise we'll be really fucked up. The parents need to know how to listen really well, who don't offer advice (to their young adult children) unless they ask or it's really needed, who have a lot of time to devote (way more than with other kids), who make sure the children know about their heritage and birth family, who understand that the children are going to have a lot of feelings about being adopted and be able to address them, and other stuff too...

On a separate note, I just watched the Lopez show. The advertisements for it looked ridiculous, so I never really considered watching it. I kind of liked it though. There were some good jokes, some spanish, some latino references. It was very...latino. I liked it. It's the kind of thing I miss about New York.

I'm kind of looking forward to this weekend...finally. All women. All weekend. I feel like my head is pretty clear, but this weekend will clear it even more. I'll come back a freer, more relaxed person. So, while I would rather see Luke this weekend, I think this will probably be a pretty good alternative. Plus I don't have to take care of Luca! Vacation! Woo! I don't have to get up at 8 and walk my dog in the cold before I even get my contacts in or right before I go to bed. This is really exciting. I love him, but I need a break.

Okay sleep time.

Latina's They Get Krazy

The only thing I miss about New York is feeling like a latino. The latina ladies who worked in the cafe would talk to me in Spanish. I usually didn't know what they were saying, but in some manner they were saying 'you're one of us.' My group of friends was primarily brown. My "brother," Tj, was afghani. My most recent ex is straight from Trinidad. Ashly B., Brittany, Hassan and Rj were black. Plus all of Sean's (my ex) friends and cousins etc. were brown.

Down there latina's rule the best clubs and always appreciated. I picked up quite a bit of spanish and came to realized that I could understand some things that I shouldn't be able to because of those few short months I was in Peru as an infant.

I guess I need to figure out how to keep that part of me while living in caucasian dominated society. Funny I've always considered myself Peruvian, but not really American. After all my citizenship may be American, but my blood is purely Peruvian. I'm really both, but not Peruvian-American. This doesn't apply to sports though clearly.