My Men

I think now is a good moment to explain the workshop I went to last weekend. If you remember, I went to a women's workshop about a month ago and I had a lot to say about that in one of my blog entries.

Well this work shop was on early memories. Basically the theory is, put in very simple terms, that our early experiences can have a profound effect on us (positively as well as negatively) and the lives we lead in the present. We evaluate that and work through anything that needs to be worked through to prevent further negative affects.

I worked on 2 parts of my early life. There is question asked by the counselor and then you say what first comes to your mind. For a bit, it was taking baths as a toddler. When we lived in Maine the first time, we had a large claw foot tub and my parents used to bathe me in there with them. I remember it being large and being able to paddle around. The feelings surrounding it are happiness and warmth. From there I remembered being bathed as a baby in a blue plastic tub. I also associated that with warmth, happiness and being connected with my parents. Then at some point I realized that warm happy place was also what I would have experienced in the womb (when my birth mother wasn't intoxicated at least). For me that's a positive feeling and it's nice to realize why I love taking long, warm showers or like to sit in a hot tub for so long.

The other one is not so pleasant. I've been working on my birth parents stuff, because it definitely affects me in my current life and I want to be free of that. I know it's possible. This work shop moved a huge chunk of that.

More specifically I've been working on my birth father. He left before I was born. I vaguely remember someone saying he had to disappear in order for my birth mother to legally give me up for adoption. So I never knew who he was. I know he was catholic though and I know he left. I know my birth mother was an alcoholic and I have a feeling he was also. After all it's a highly patriarchal society, so if he drank excessively, my birth mother would have been more likely to also and I know for sure she did. Makes sense. Also excessive drinking tends to be more prominent in lower classes.

So what's important? He left, he was catholic and he was probably an alcoholic.
Does this sound like anyone else we know?

Is it coincidence that the only man I haven't been able to get over disappears frequently, is catholic and an alcoholic? No it's not. There you have my early stuff relating to my current life. So I cried and got angry at my birth father all weekend (not at the current guy in my life). When I got there I was at a point where my biggest question was, who is this man who has so much pull over my life because of his absense. It explains a lot really. It explains my pull toward catholic men, working class men, the "pound puppies" as my dad calls it (after all I dated a heroin addict), and why I'm more attached to my adopted father than my mother. It's not rational, it's emotional and it can be gotten rid of.

By the end it was, well maybe it's time to let him go. So there was a little bit of me saying good bye dad. Then we attached it to the present and I had to say good bye to Luke. That was harder, but by the end I could actually think, "maybe I could say good bye to Luke." The point isn't really saying good bye to him. The point is that I am freer from those desperate emotions tying me to my birth father. To be clear I'm not saying he's literally a representative of my birth father. Just certain aspects are similar.

So this past week I haven't sent any texts to Luke. I decided if he wanted to talk to me he could initiate it. I didn't even think about it as much as usual. I felt like I could breath. I still do. I feel freer. These feelings aren't tying me down so much. Of course they're not gone completely. You can't do that in a weekend, but it can be done and that's what I will continue to work on. This weekend has also gotten me past a lot of the anger directed toward my birth parents. Anger is just a cover up emotion for hurt. That can be worked through. Wouldn't it be nice to be free of those feelings that affect us so much whether they're associated with our parents or other people or institutions? It's possible.

I'm starting my second week breathing more freely. It's glorious.
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But last night Luke sent me a text. He asked if I was mad at him. I asked him what made him think I was. He said it was because of how I acted in the bank before I left for the workshop and because I hadn't responded to his texts that week. He said he sent a couple and I never replied. Well I never got them or I would have (probably). I was somewhat mad at the bank. More like I was hurt that I told him I would be busy for a week and a half if he wasn't free before the workshop and as usual, he didn't step up. I was running around that day before having to drive to Bethel, so I didn't have time to cry over him. I just covered it up with anger.

I'm not really sure what to think though. Should I be pleased that he cared enough to ask? Does he care? I think my doubts are just more feelings getting in the way of me thinking clearly. Something along the line of "If my birth parents didn't care, if the woman who's supposed to have that strong biological bond with me gave me up then she didn't care, and if she didn't then why would anyone else?" Like I said, it's not real and I've worked on it enough to realize it. Needs more work though clearly.

So I think it's good that he thought about me. Things can't stay the same though. I'm thinking clearly enough to realize it. I can't function with him constantly disappearing and never knowing if at some point he's going to decide he won't come back. He needs to take a chance on me, because I have proven over the last 9 months and certainly since he decided he wanted to try "semi serious" that I am not going anywhere and that I can handle the fact that he's not as sure of where he's going in life as I am. That's okay.

I know my own worth and I don't want to be taken for granted. I've been patient, but at some point living in the grey area doesn't work any more and you have to take a stand. He said he wanted to try semi serious. Well this isn't semi serious. This is me waiting and hoping that he steps out of the grey area and crying weekly when he doesn't. I'm not a toy to be played with when there's time or he's interested or there's nothing else to do. I'm a person. I'm not just a person though. I'm the girl who cares about him more than almost any other man (aside from my dad and my brother of course).

Sometimes I just want swat him across the head and say, "hey you idiot. I..."*

But I'm not angry.

*to be continued when it happens

Bodies

You know, the ones I hide behind my condo. It looks like once again I've said too much. Oh well!

What I'm really referring to is the part of the workshop where we talked about and worked on women's/our bodies. Generally I felt connected to the group, but not so much for this part. We talked about fat oppression, which is something I'd never really heard of in those terms before.

This society is so out of touch with the real meaning of beauty and individuality. Skinny is in. Anorexia and Bulimia are in. Remember when people that skinny could only be found in concentration camps and third world nations? Well I guess it's still true in poverty ridden areas, but it's a mainstream thing now. It's one thing to be naturally skinny. It's another to starve yourself, create an over-exhausting exercise routine and constantly put yourself down because you no longer have a realistic idea of what your body should look like. It should look like you. healthy. For everyone that image is different.

Fat oppression is, put every simply, the belief that if you're large, it's your choice and every day people judge you for that. Some people are naturally larger and that's healthy for them. There is nothing wrong with that, but society says there is and so it's harder for those people to accept themselves, be happy with their bodies, and be accepted by others.

So we split up into two separate groups. Those who classified themselves as large women and those who classified themselves as allies to large women. I was in the latter group.

Our focus was on appreciating our bodies. This was pretty easy for me. There's a lot more that I can appreciate about my body than criticize it for. I love looking in the mirror. I do it before I leave for class in the morning or wherever I go and I think "wow. I look pretty damn good." Then I can walk around with complete confidence all day, because I already know I'm a smart cookie (yeah PMS is beginning. There may be more references to sugary or salty food). What could be more beautiful than a smart, beautiful woman right?

Well unfortunately that scares a lot of men. Again, with the sexism, but the best can appreciate it and like it. Am I confident? Yes. Always? No, but most of the time. Am I conceited? No.

However, I didn't feel like I fit into this group very well. After all, I'm Latina. We have different bodies anyway. Someone told me a story about someone else who had told them about living in a latino neighborhood in New York. She said these Latinas were curvy and some even had bellies, by which I mean non flat stomachs, but they wore clothing that conformed to their curves and carried themselves with the utmost confidence and the men liked this.

I wasn't really surprised by this story, I've seen that myself after living in Hempstead for a year. My ex from Trinidad is a great example of this. His opinion of a beautiful woman is a brown woman, who has curves and who's "thighs touch." That's simplifying it a little and limiting it to brown women is a bit racist on the opposite side of the specrum (directed toward white people), but that's what he told me. I was shocked when I first heard him say this. My reaction went something like this: "wait...what? thigh's touching?" I have never heard a man from this country say anything like that, which is unfortunate. However, I'm sure there are men in this country who would agree with my ex, but in general that's not what this society accepts as beautiful.

I suppose if we lived in a society without opression of any kind we wouldn't even have "types." We could see the attractive qualities in everyone. For example, my "type" is generally tall, brown hair, brown eyes, broad shoulders, square jaw. These are all traits typical in white American society, which I have grown up in.

The reason I don't generally find brown or black men attractive? Well there are 2. First, racism. I've grown up in a white society where racism still exists, not just a little, but a lot. Everyone everywhere carries a racism with them to a certain degree. It's at the point where we realize this that we can change it. Sec0nd reason is because I still have a lot of anger directed toward my birth mother and family, which I associate with latino's in general. I've gotten better with not putting that anger on all latinos though and I've decided to finally learn Spanish.

More to come...

Lets Do It

*

Where to begin. I have a lot on my mind. This past weekend was amazing in so many ways. I'm sure I'll go into more detail in another blog entry later.

I've been messaging back and forth with Imani recently. It's been nice. She said, "my opinion is the only one that matters." On this issue, I think she may be right. I've made up my mind, but I've been sounding it out with a couple of close friends to see their reactions. Honestly I don't care what they think because I've made up my mind, but I'd love it if they were supportive. It's a dormant decision, but time won't make me back out.

It's been weird transitioning back to every day life after spending a weekend with so many amazing women. Today I walked to class in the midst of 5 or 6 rather attractive men. It was a little overwhelming. Two of them tried to hit on me at different points too. One tried asking me for directions to a building, which he clearly knew the way to and the other walked me half to class. It was weird. I was nice to them though. They weren't jerks so no need to slap them in the face. Note to men: if you aren't approx. 6 ft, stubborn as hell, can't make me laugh in a short sentences or a few words, and aren't the most comfortable person in the world...oh sorry is that too specific? Hmm let me think...nope that's about right.

I've been seeing the world so differently. In psych I literally counted the number of sexist things my professor said. You don't want to know the number.
Yep I said it. Sexist. This absolutely does not mean I hate men. Couldn't be more opposite. There is a difference between "man haters" and women who see the reality of sexism in this culture. I'm not a man hater. I'm more aware now though. I don't want to just point it out and complain. That doesn't do the world any good. We need to change it.

So I've been working on getting rid of the stuff that holds me back in life or makes it harder to live a really full life free from oppression. I've got a lot apparently: born poor catholic, latino, currently middle class, jewish, dad's protestant influences, and of course female. I'll explain more about what this all means later when I'm more awake. Lately I've been getting more in touch with the part of me that was born poor and catholic. It's hard to believe that 12 months (9 in eutero) of that could influence a life, but it can and does. Luckily I have some older catholic adult friends who have been tremendously helpful with this. I'm constantly going "oh! that's why I do this or feel this" or "oh! that's why this person is like this." It's all quite facinating.

I guess my mom was right about RC. I've always thought that everyone needs a psychologist - even psychologists...especially psychologists. They're helpful. It's not all about fixing problems. Positive psychology is much different. RC is like that too though. It's about make the world a better place for each individual and the whole. So I now think that RC is a good resources for everyone also. It seems like one of the best ways to change the world for the better. Like I said...I'll go into more detail later, but for now I'm just going to really encourage everyone to visit the link below and talk to me about it.

(Just gonna warn you if you visit it. Discharge has a totally different meaning! It means emotional release or letting go of. Not dirty at all. An example would be laughing or shivering as an emotional release of embarrassment.)

http://www.rc.org/

*Paintings can be found here