Year In Review

I think it's as good a time as any to do this.

I'll start with some major events: Krystal was put down, being depressed at college in New York, being in the first serious relationship since Harlan, moving home, moving from South Portland to Portland, getting up the courage to send a message on fb to this girl from Alaska (Hallie!), becoming friends with her, meeting other people, being in a relatively good place with Luke, finally convincing my parents to let me have a dog.

College/Academic: This semester has been way better. I actually enjoyed a couple of my classes. I've been thinking seriously about my future. No depression!

Family: Well it started out rough, but it's been improving. Last year my mom and I had the best relationship. Probably because I was 5 hours away and she wasn't telling me what to do. Then I came home and we had to move. I was anemic, which made it harder. Lots of arguing. Now I'd say it's bickering. My parents aren't arguing as much between themselves either. Still there arguements, while I'm in the next room watching tv and listening to see which one is out of place. Sometimes I call them out on it. They act more like children fighting than anyone else I know...which is probably why I feel like I don't have to listen to them anymore. But like I said it's a lot better.

Friends: Many new friends, but more importantly I met Hallie. It's nice to have someone you can tell anything to and vice versa. A lot of my friends I feel that way about, but you can never have enough. I feel lucky. It's one thing to "know" many people. It's another to have what I have. I now have more friends who are girls than guys (crazy! but awesome). Plus Hallie has basically been adopted by my parents and me :)

Pets: I know, I go on and on about Luca. I'm pretty damn excited for him. I missed Krystal so much. I still do some, but I don't really feel like she's gone. When I think about it, she was like the dog version of me: Happy, Optimistic, funny, loving and incredibly stubborn when she wanted to be. Luca won't replace her, but he'll be my companion through the next stage of my life. Krystal was there through my adolescence. Luca will see me through my 20's.

Men: I saved this one for last, because I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to say. It's been an interesting year. I started it out with a mistake. I'm kind of okay with that. I did learn something afterall. I don't like guys who are thinner than me, are needy, and think that buying everything for a girl makes for a good relationship (I even tried to convince him he was gay! (he had 10 times more clothes and shoes than me)). Then I began to wonder if there would ever be anyone who I would actually enjoy dating for more than 3 weeks. I even made a list in March:

1. Confident – Sure of self but not overly arrogant.
2. Independent – Has his own life and doesn’t depend on me to make them 100% happy. Not clingy.
3. Kind – Not just too people he know but to others as well.
4. Laid Back – calm and collected in most situations
5. Smart – reads, listens/watches news and understands, cares about world issues.
6. Open Minded – Listens to and thinks about other peoples ideas politely
7. Listens/Is Perceptive – Doesn’t talk incessantly and has the ability to listen and understand what others say.
8. Funny – Can make fun of himself and act quirky.
9. Honest – Believes lying is bad in any situation except surprises and doesn’t hide his problems.
10. Healthy – eats well enough; takes care of himself;
11. Practical about Money – Doesn’t spend excessive amounts of money on clothes, food, events on himself or others except on special occasions. Saves money.
12. Individual – Doesn’t act/dress like others to fit in. Shows personality.
13. Diligent – Works hard at his job/what he loves to do.
14. Attractive (to me) – Preferably short brown hair, brown eyes, masculine jaw line, tall or short (5'6), bright smile.

Of course that's a list of someone who's perfect in my eyes. Perfection doesn't actually exist. I knew that would narrow the search greatly, but that was the point. Not to have this exact man, but close enough. Now look again. Does this actually describe anyone? Can't be can it?

That's when I went, oh shit. This summer that is. I guess I'll say that I was warned over and over to be careful. Things get complicated when there's a past. The last couple of months have been confusing for sure. There was a point where I was really unsure and thought going back to the general dating thing would be better. That was interesting....At one point a guy I originally thought was gay had a crush on me. Then came the 26 year old Mainer. Some thought he was too young for me. Some made up teams. Team R and Team L.
They were all for Team R.
Imani and I were for Team L.

People say friends have no say in their dating decisions. I don't think that's true. However in my case, I said "fuck you all. if I hear one more negative word out of you, I'll punch you in the face (you know...the usual violent threat)."

In the end there was only ever one team anyway.

Barely Getting By

That's now how I feel. But recently I've been reconsidering my major. I like to help people, and I like to help athletes more than regular people, because I don't want to take their addictions home with me, their suicides, their torn apart homes...

There's no doubt that I could be at the top of my class in my mind, but I'm not. I do amazingly well and then I stop. Just stop. I'm beginning to realize I have this fear. Then I think, Really Rosalba? Who the hell has a fear of doing well? This past summer Northeastern University accepted me. When I received the email, I was so in disbelief that I started crying and immediately called my parents. I couldn't understand why they accepted me. Earlier I had withdrawn my application from BC and BU because I had decided to go to USM. Partly it was because I didn't think I'd get in, partly it was because I knew I needed something closer to home, at least for my sophomore year. I needed to recover from a bad year. I had the opportunity to go to NU though and I declined. I know that was a smart decision and I don't regret it, but I think the feeling is connected.

Now that I think about it, it's probably connected to my baby experiences. I never like doing anything if I don't know I'll succeed right away, which is ridiculous and I'm better at that now. I guess I don't know that I'll be the successful sport psychologist I want to be. I don't want to go through another 7 years of college to find out that I'm not going to be one of the best in the field. Logically I know I can be the best, but then fear isn't logical.

The other thing is that what I really want to do is write. I love writing. I could write almost all day, every day. Poems, stories, scripts, reviews, analytical papers (if I like the subject). I'm a little bit of a free bird. I like to do things in my own time, the way I want to do them. Of all people, my parents know this the most.
Ex.
Parents: Can you vacuum this week?
Me: yup
2 weeks later
Parents: have you vacuumed yet?
Me: Not yet, I'll do it tomorrow
next day
Parents: The house doesn't look vacuumed...
Me: I'll do it when I get a chance
A month later
Parents: If you don't vacuum, you can't get a dog
Me: if you don't trust me to clean up in my own time, then I'm not going to vacuum
3 days later
Me: Guess I'll vacuum now

Psychology is the opposite of do what you want, when you want. There's a schedule, there are appointments, there's writing with critical deadlines and none of it is fun. I would enjoy working with athletes and helping people makes me happy. Studying people is extremely intriguing to me, but writing is too.

The thing is, most writers also teach. I don't want to teach. I would probably make a good english teacher, but I don't want to do that.

Is it weird that I have loved my creative writing class this semester, and I have written each piece way in advance. Where as I have not been so enthusiastic about my Nature/Nurture class and definitely not my Psych 101 class. I guess I've been realizing all of this this semester.
What to do, What to do...
__________________

On a separate note, Hallie and I attended a police poetry readings. Many of them were inspiring and touching. A couple made me tear up. I knew I had to buy the calander with all of the poems in it.

On to study for a psych exam tomorrow that I don't want to study for.