Barely Getting By

That's now how I feel. But recently I've been reconsidering my major. I like to help people, and I like to help athletes more than regular people, because I don't want to take their addictions home with me, their suicides, their torn apart homes...

There's no doubt that I could be at the top of my class in my mind, but I'm not. I do amazingly well and then I stop. Just stop. I'm beginning to realize I have this fear. Then I think, Really Rosalba? Who the hell has a fear of doing well? This past summer Northeastern University accepted me. When I received the email, I was so in disbelief that I started crying and immediately called my parents. I couldn't understand why they accepted me. Earlier I had withdrawn my application from BC and BU because I had decided to go to USM. Partly it was because I didn't think I'd get in, partly it was because I knew I needed something closer to home, at least for my sophomore year. I needed to recover from a bad year. I had the opportunity to go to NU though and I declined. I know that was a smart decision and I don't regret it, but I think the feeling is connected.

Now that I think about it, it's probably connected to my baby experiences. I never like doing anything if I don't know I'll succeed right away, which is ridiculous and I'm better at that now. I guess I don't know that I'll be the successful sport psychologist I want to be. I don't want to go through another 7 years of college to find out that I'm not going to be one of the best in the field. Logically I know I can be the best, but then fear isn't logical.

The other thing is that what I really want to do is write. I love writing. I could write almost all day, every day. Poems, stories, scripts, reviews, analytical papers (if I like the subject). I'm a little bit of a free bird. I like to do things in my own time, the way I want to do them. Of all people, my parents know this the most.
Ex.
Parents: Can you vacuum this week?
Me: yup
2 weeks later
Parents: have you vacuumed yet?
Me: Not yet, I'll do it tomorrow
next day
Parents: The house doesn't look vacuumed...
Me: I'll do it when I get a chance
A month later
Parents: If you don't vacuum, you can't get a dog
Me: if you don't trust me to clean up in my own time, then I'm not going to vacuum
3 days later
Me: Guess I'll vacuum now

Psychology is the opposite of do what you want, when you want. There's a schedule, there are appointments, there's writing with critical deadlines and none of it is fun. I would enjoy working with athletes and helping people makes me happy. Studying people is extremely intriguing to me, but writing is too.

The thing is, most writers also teach. I don't want to teach. I would probably make a good english teacher, but I don't want to do that.

Is it weird that I have loved my creative writing class this semester, and I have written each piece way in advance. Where as I have not been so enthusiastic about my Nature/Nurture class and definitely not my Psych 101 class. I guess I've been realizing all of this this semester.
What to do, What to do...
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On a separate note, Hallie and I attended a police poetry readings. Many of them were inspiring and touching. A couple made me tear up. I knew I had to buy the calander with all of the poems in it.

On to study for a psych exam tomorrow that I don't want to study for.