It's A Long Way Down

But once you hit the bottom, you can only go up, right?

Suck It Up

I always think Hallie is saying "suck it off." Maybe it's just my dirty mind.

Tonight was amazing. Before the game I predicted Nathan Gerbe would have 2 assists and felt good about the Pirates winning. It was the most exciting game of the season for multiple reasons. They won 7-1 and Nate got 2 assists. There were a couple fights and lots of roughing. I enjoyed it quite thoroughly. Afterward I sent Nate a message saying I told him the night would be good. He responded "keep saying it." I will, Nate, I will.

At this point, I think the after party on Monday night will be very interesting. I'm really excited for the whole All Star Classic. I went to Worcester last year, because I wanted to see Nate play, but he was injured. Luckily it's in Portland this year and I get to go again with Katya this time. Lots of young players running around Portland? Many options for Katya. Meanwhile I shall focus on befriending Nate in person (as well as on facebook...er I think he's befriending me? He started it.). One can never have enough good friends.

Also stood up for myself a little in a different department. I think it was a good move, although I feel kind of bad. Then I went back on what I said. (Hallie is probably reading this and thinking "god damn it rosalba!") True enough, it is what it is though.

I don't know where my head has been lately. That's kind of a lie. I do. I just don't want to admit it. Hallie has definitely noticed. I get distracted a lot. I look very pensive. I can't remember things. I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I don't want to go back to school this semester. Maybe I needed more of a break than I realized. I don't know.

The life I want is not the one I'm heading toward. Honestly I don't really know where I'm headed, but I know what I want and I don't feel like I can tell anyone, because I feel like they will say "really? that's all you want to do with your life?" That's where I want to start though. My mom always says "don't make your life small." I think she would consider it a small life, but I don't. It just feels so right. I feel like I was given the abilities I have for a reason. I can understand things that I shouldn't be able to for a reason. I was made for this...and more, but this is what I burn for. This is where I want to start.

At the moment all I know is that I want to be in Lowell tomorrow at 1:30, but I won't be there, because I couldn't find anyone to go with me.

I'll try to end on a happy note. Hallie introduced me to Your Love Is My Drug by Kesha.

Won't listen to any advice, mamma's telling me to think twice
But left to my own devices i'm addicted its a crisis!

My friends think I've gone crazy, my judgment is getting kinda hazy
My status is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crackhead

I don't care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when you're with me
But crash and crave you when you are away

Dress or Jersey

Recently I discovered a picture of myself with a dress hanging up with my Simon Ferguson jersey. It's a huge contradiction. I guess that is me in a nutshell.
I like to go to hockey games. I'll yell at the opposing team or my own if appropriate. I'm not one of those crazy screamers though. I'll walk proudly around the arena in any of my jerseys (I have 6). I'll wear them downtown for food after a game (they're extremely warm too!). I would punch a hockey player in the face if they hurt one of my favorites. They don't scare me. Many are kind of like..man-boys. It's a nice atmosphere.

I like to dress up. I always do when going to a hockey game. I just put the jersey on when the game starts. I like wearing dresses and heels. It's fun. I like to look nice. Not much else to say on that matter.

Yesterday Katya and I went to Lowell to see Simon Ferguson and Mike McKenna. Unfortunately McKenna didn't play. I would have had trouble deciding on a team if he had been in net though. Our seats were right behind the Syracuse Crunch bench.

We got there about 10 seconds before Simon Ferguson (Fergy) finished warming up. I wasn't sure if he had seen us. We waited for the game to start. Lowell had a big entrance so Syracuse came out in the dark and I couldn't see him anywhere. When the lights came up, he was skating to the bench. He had the same surprised look as last season and I thought, God damn I missed that guy. As he sat down, he mumbled something to another guy and looked back at us. I laughed. He looked away quickly so he wouldn't also laugh.

That used to be our thing. We would make him laugh during warm ups. One night at a season ticket holder party he asked why we laughed so much. We responded that laughter was a good thing and he should do it more often. For the rest of the season he would always laugh when he saw us and I would always laugh when eye contact was made. You could tell he was trying really hard not to laugh.

It was similar last night. We dubbed him the awkward turtle, because he kept trying to avoid eye contact. We would see him look over occasionally. He didn't really fall down, which was surprising. Apparently he did a funny spin that I missed. Some guy behind us was yelling about it.

In the third period, Lowell scored their second goal. I yelled at Fergy to show them our response (aka score another goal) as he hopped onto the ice. He then proceeded to run into another guy, spin around and almost fall down. Typical Fergy. He assisted on the first goal though and they won 3-2.

Half way through the game some tension started in front of the Syracuse Bench/us. I was taking a photo when Fergy tapped on the glass. I took the photo, but was confused as to why he was tapping and what he was saying. My thought was, Is he telling me not to take the photo? Then he threw a puck over the glass. It landed behind my seat. I was too suprised to catch it (so was Katya). The man who had been yelling at Fergy earlier got up and handed it to me.

I thought he was going to take it for himself. If he had tried, I would have ripped it from his hands. Seriously. Don't steal the Fergy puck or I'll kill you. I laughed with bubbly happiness for the rest of the period....and night actually. It's the happiest moment of the year so far and I think it will probably stay at the top.
Best moment of last year: talking to Fergy after the game in Bridgeport (although I quite enjoyed talking to Gerbe in Hershey also).

I know you probably don't get why I'm so happy about this. It's not just another hockey player thing. There's no such thing with me. I've been watching him play since I was 14. He's seen me grow up. I love that I can make fun of him to his face and joke around with him. He's a good man. A little awkward, but that's okay. He has a lot of character.
I compare the current Pirates with the 2007-2008 team. They're two completely different teams and that's okay I guess. I know I shouldn't compare them, because it makes me miss the old team more and resent the new one. I think part of it is that I enjoyed seeing the fan-hockey player connection. The old team would throw kids pucks during warm ups, make funny faces at the children, Bootland would let a couple of season ticket holders feed him fries, Drew Miller would talk to this one kid in particular, they would stay out in the cold after games to talk to their avid fans...

I loved watching this interaction. I was always more of an observer than interactive. My role was not to take, but to give. It still is. I think that's why some of the guys see me differently. I would rather give them photos of themselves than take their autograph. Why? Well have you seen their faces when they receive the photos? They light up and relax. They make funny comments about themselves. I get to see a bit more into their personality than if I were taking an autograph.

So today I decided that I need to move on and accept this new team. To be honest, I like them better than last season. The only one who has really caught my though, is Nathan Gerbe. I'm not talking about physical attraction. That's one thing you have to know about me. It's not about the attractive men, it's about the community and people. I don't know him very well, but I'd like to. He seems like a nice guy so far and a really hard worker. He has a huge amount of talent and uses it well. I think it's the combination of being a hard worker and being so down to earth that I like. It's impressive and I know he must be under a ton of pressure. Bobby Ryan did not handle that pressure as well (although Bobby Ryan was often compared to Sidney Crosby, which was a bad comparison) and he came off a little cocky.

So here's to the 2009-2010 Portland Pirates. I'll be supporting them (rather than the opponents with the old Pirates team) from here on out. The only exception I have to make is for the game against Syracuse. Tomorrow when they play against the Worcester Sharks and Joe Callahan, I'll be hoping the Pirates win. I don't see any reason why they wouldn't if they work hard all 3 periods.

Suggestions to future Pirates:

• Talk to the fans more
• Interact during warm ups (throw pucks to kids occasionally etc)
• Work hard, the fans will love you for it
• Enforcers: Be fierce and play it up sometimes (like Robataille and Gillies)
• Captains: The way you act and lead is the way the fans will see the rest of the team (aka Bouck and Gavey - great captains)
• Show your quirks, accept (and learn from) your mistakes and don't be embarrassed because it's not "manly." (Petteri Wirtanen known for always smiling, Drew Miller being extremely nice to and interactive with the children etc)

I'll post parts of this on my hockey blog, but it's here primarily because it's more about me than hockey.

What A Mess

That would be my life right now. Almost everything is unstable right now. I guess I didn't really realize it until today. The past two weeks have been crazy.

I can't decide on a major.
My dog started pooping on the rug again after stopping for awhile.
He needs to run around a lot, but we don't have a fenced in backyard.
He hates it when I leave, which makes me feel bad about leaving whenever I'm off doing other things.
I don't get to spend as much time with friends.
I can't stay up late, because I have to get up early to walk him.
Someone I thought was gay, isn't.
I feel somewhat betrayed by my brother.
I finally hate someone.
I had a scare.
I'm involved with a flaky guy.
My relationship with my parents fluctuates.

As a result, I have been losing everything, late to everywhere I go, too quiet, not great company, forgetting to take my synthroid, irritable, sad, and exhausted. Today I lost my keys twice. I lost Luca's leash. After 10 minutes I realized I was holding it. I left my gloves in Becky's and the waitress had to bring them out to me. Then as I was pulling out a man pointed to my car and said something. It took me a minute to realize I left my take out box on the hood of the car. That resulted in a mental break down. I'll admit I feel better now. I just wish something would stabilize.

Now to continue with my chaotic life. Driving to Lowell in an hour and a half. It will be exhausting, but fun and I need some time to just be 20.

Slip

I haven't fallen on ice since sophomore year of highschool. I think that's pretty spectacular (skating doesn't count). That's why Emma created a "Don't fall on ice" facebook group.

Methinks time creates doubt.
Lately I've been so distracted by thought that I keep losing things, running into things and forgetting there are people around me. I guess I'm just a little flustered. It'll pass, hopefully.

Sex and The City

It seems that whenever I come across it on tv late at night, the episode is one I can relate to my life. Isn't that odd? The show isn't about fairytale relationships and love, although the movie kind of is.

Tonight I saw the end of one about a missed period and I'm currently watching one about Carrie farting in front of her boyfriend. I've seen both of them before.

Carrie freaks out because after farting, she and Mr. Big stop having sex. I think it's for 4 or 5 nights in a row. Then she makes the mistake of going to his place spontaneously going over to his place while he's watching a game. She leaves unsatisfied after he gets annoyed for the distraction. He arrives at her apartment a few days later. "

First, don't interrupt a guy when he's watching an important game. Hell, don't interrupt me when I'm watching hockey. It's really not that hard to understand. I tend to get annoyed with people who ask a lot of questions at hockey games. It's mostly because I figured the game out by myself using my observational skills and I think others should be able to as well.

Second, the fart is a just part of a deeper issue. It's a well known fact in the world of ladies, that we are not allowed to pass gas, burp or possess body hair not on top of our heads. Then there are the women who like to be "free." The ones who don't shave their legs or arm pits and don't really care what men think about it. I'm okay with women like that, but I would never live like that myself. I like having smooth legs and the compliments I get on them. I think it's mortifying to pass gas in front of my friends, let alone a guy. But it's true, it's something we all do.

Our society focuses so much on making us perfect. Women should be "perfect." No gross bodily functions allowed. It's bull, but everyone buys into it at least a little. The point is, I'm not perfect. Wouldn't that be boring?

Shameful

You should have ran for days,

You embrace, You betray...
I'm sad to say, You're a sad cliche,
But when you ran, You fell,
On a path that led you straight to hell...
This is the salt in your wounds,
This is my 'I told you so'

Last night was a bit on the crazy side. It brought me clarity on one subject though. I feel thoroughly betrayed by two of my best friends. The unwanted connection makes me bitter. Just the thought brings on a rage that I would hate to lose control of. No, what's scarier is that I want to lose control.

I've never thought anything over so much as I did when I cut the unwanted connection out of my life. What did I expect? I expected support in my decision. I expected people to see the rationality in it. Do they? I'm beginning to think not. Doubts are beginning to plant themselves in the back of my mind. Who can I really trust? In the end, who really has my back?

Last night I was taken by surprise by a little piece of information slipped to me by a loose tongue. I went livid. I shut myself in the bathroom trying to comprehend this betrayal. I couldn't. I thought maybe it was because my judgment was somewhat impaired. Hallie took me back to her suite to calm down. It worked somewhat, but it took a trip to 7/11 to calm me down. Then I remained cold and distant for the rest of the evening. I thought today it would be different because my head would clear. My head has never been clearer. I'm still betrayed.

Things are changing though. I'm passed the sad stage. I'm fucking furious. I will never cry another tear. It was never worth a single one in the first place. I will not do anything rash as long as it stays away from me. I don't need revenge, because it's suffering and will continue to suffer for a very long time on its own. If it attacks or approaches me, I will enjoy tearing it apart. I feel no guilt, because it deserves none. It dug its own lonely grave.

I will not sit back and take shit ever again though. Not from anyone. I used to be the kind of person who forgave and forgave. If you don't deserve forgiveness, then you will never get it from me. Mistakes are natural, but there is line.

As for the betrayers, I still love them. That will probably never change. They are family, and although my disgust is reflected upon them because of that connection, it can be worked through. I can only hope one day they will realize what I have.
This is the last time I will ever mention the subject.

You let yourself get carried away
Don't act like you're ashamed,
You let yourself get carried away
Bow your head now, accept the blame,
You let yourself get carried away
Bury this with you, a waste,

And now it's time to see,
What you don't mean to me.