It's Time

All dressed. Took about 3-3.5 hours. I wasn't really paying attention. I'm ready to go and waiting for my ladies...and Jared...Yeah not as smooth with the guy, but it's all good! Here are a couple of photos for your pleasure ;-)

Pre-dress up
half dressed...skin...scandalous!

Here it is...you ready?!


You love it. So will the hockey players hahaha. Can't wait to see the others dressed up. We should be a hot bunch.
More photos tomorrow probably...

Final song of the evening: TiK toK - Ke$ha. I love it. Perfect for getting ready.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
Grab my glasses, Im out the door - I'm gonna hit this city
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I aint coming back
Im talkin' bout - pedicures on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes
Boys blowing up our phones, phones
Drop-toping, playing our favorite cds
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy

Dont stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Imma fight
Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party dont stop no

Aint got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Aint got no money in my pocket, but Im already here
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
Im talkin' bout - everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryna touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Now, now - we goin til they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us -

DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
You got me now
You got that sound
Yeah, you got me

No, the party dont start till I walk in

Dont stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Imma fight
Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party dont stop no

Deanne The Arsonist

Over the past 3 days, I've been listening to Atreyu a lot. Well that's all I've been listening to really. They take me to that happy place. This may seem weird since Alex does a lot of screaming especially in the earlier albums.
I've been listening to Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses a lot today. It's a pretty depressing album, but I like it anyway and it doesn't depress me. Once upon a time I could relate to A Vampire's Lament. Yes, I was that depressed. I just enjoy the song now though. I don't relate to most of the songs on that album now, but there are a few lines scattered here and there.
Lip Gloss and Black is and has been my favorite song since the album came out. The beginning is just so...beautiful. Then the Brandon leads up to the first verse with his beautiful drumming skills. That first verse is my favorite and I always quote the first part of it.

If I gave you pretty enough words, could you paint a picture of us that works? Emphasis on function, rather than design.

Maybe it's because I choose difficult guys. I don't know. Don't care really. I just like it. The point is that when someone you care about that much is in pain, you try to ease their burden by putting it on yourself, but of course that's hard on you and frustrating if they don't let you in. It's romantic in a dark way, the self sacrifice. I guess I relate to it because I'm constantly sacrificing my own happiness and time to help other people. Is that so bad? Maybe some day I'll burn out, but right now helping friends makes me happy even if sometimes I feel worn to the bone and like nothing will ever change. Luckily, up to this point, I haven't felt completely pessimistic about anything for even a whole day.

For example, I've been worried about a couple of my best friends recently, because they've been having a difficult time in college. I want them to do well and be happy. So I sent one of them a care package, and that seemed to brighten her day, along with some advice. After that I felt better as well. I miss her like crazy.
And of course, there is the one who either manages to make me feel completely miserable or happy. Like I said, luckily I'm not a pessimist, so I don't let that keep me down for long. My stubborn streak also comes in handy in that situation. Part of it is my fault though. I won't deny that. I should be more honest about when my feelings have been hurt. I'm just not very good at being vulnerable. Is anyone though?
Strength is valued in this culture. I'm not saying that's bad, but I'd like to feel like I can let my guard down. The conversation in my head is going something like this:
Take a chance
I am taking a chance damn it
Take a bigger one
FINE

I'm silly like that.
Funny I didn't think I had anything to say today. I was just going to post another song from Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses that I like. So I will now. This is the first song that I was ever introduced to. No warning of how loud and how much screaming there would be. At the time, the only screamed words I could make out were "fuck" and "shit."

Go
Coward, the next time you want to fuck me over stab me in the front.
(Can I still see my future in your eyes)
Or can I picture myself stone dead in your embrace
And your cruel crimson smile kills me quietly

No one could have their moments free from your withering touch...
Fuck off like you're the only one who has ever cried or been broken by love
Spare me your pity party drunk off your own misfortunes
Wallowing in your blissful melancholy

Can you taste my blood?
You knew that this would kill me but you carried on and on with your selfish shit.
Everyone cared about you why couldn't you
Instead your greed compelled you to steal other silver linings...

Burnt down my world, you killed my hope
Spread out the ash and walked away
How could you just close off your eyes...
Turn tail and run, you are the greatest coward

Come On
Damn right I'm still pissed...
Next time I see your face we'll see who has the upper hand
Kiss my fist. Taste the floor. Tired of your games... fuck off goodbye...

Here Comes The...Wedding Guest?

In about a week and a half my mother and I are driving down to New York for a wedding. Yes, a real black tie New York Wedding...the fairytale kind.

Here's the deal. My mother's mother came from Vienna. Granny had a school friend in Vienna before the war. Years later, in New York, granny ran into her old friend, who happened to have a son close to my mother's age. They have been like siblings ever since. I've seen them a few times over the years and met their son a couple of times. They are the definintion of a Jewish family living in New York. They have the large house in New Rochelle, the giant bathrooms that should belong in a nice hotel...They have it all...and now their son is getting married.

I'm not sure why I agree to go to this wedding. It seems exciting, but I don't really want to be back in New York for a very long time. Also there's the whole it's-a-wedding-and-I-don't-have-a-date situation. I'm going with my mother. It should be somewhat fun and very sentimental though. I get to wear fancy dresses and my basic clothing will fit right in with typical New Yorker wear. In Maine I always look overdressed. Whatever. I like it.

So why am I concerned? I'm not sure how deep to delve into this subject, because I'm not sure I want the public knowing all of thoughts on weddings. From the view point of a typical single lady though? Weddings are nice especially if you know the couple, but that doesn't mean we're not kind of hoping the bride will trip on the way down the isle. Not fall, just stumble...and of course we'd feel horrible if it actually happened (for the most part). Mostly there will be tearing up, smiles and sentimentality. All the stuff that makes men under 30 run away, at least temporarily.
What this doesn't mean though, is that any woman who reacts like that wants to get married right then and there and settle down. Common misconception. It's just a beautiful experience and slight fantasy (kind of like threesomes would be for men).

Anyway, 2 hockey games, Imani and Halloween this weekend. Maybe I'll get drunk and entertain you all again in my slutty outfit...that didn't come out exactly right. I'm not a hooker! Halloween is just a nice excuse to be slutty for an evening (what a change from weddings, huh?). :-)

Now on to carve my pumpkin and harass Lucas by text...

Aren't You Tired Of Being Weak?

I'll end on a positive note, with my favorite song for the past 8 years.

If I gave you pretty enough words
Could you paint a picture of us that works?
With emphasis on function rather than design
Aren't you tired?
cause i will carry you
On a broken back and blown out knees
I have been where you are for a while

Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die

I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold...
I am exhumed just a little less human...

After all these images of pain
Have cut right through you
I will kiss every scar and weep
You are not alone
Then I'll show you that place,
in my chest where my heart,
still tries to beat;
It still tries to beat

Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die

Live, Love, Burn, Die...

So You Think You Can Dance: Top 20

I think this will be the greatest season yet. My favorites are Karen (sexy latina!), Russell (first crumper on the show and from BOSTON), and Legacy.

Karen's partner was a hip hop artist this week and they did the cha cha. I was impressed by him. Karen...was off the fucking hook. She's gorgeous. She has so much talent. She can move her hips like crazy...or like any real latina. I really want her to win.

Russell did the fox trot. He was pretty smooth. Obviously as a crumper, it wasn't his thing. Still, he amazed the judges. Like they constantly say, "is there anything he can't do?"

Ryan was also amazing tonight I thought. Sonja's choreography was so unique and exciting (as always). Did you see those tight black pants and absense of a shirt? He's gorgeous, but a little to buff for me really. He's also married to an ugly woman who is also on the show. I'd rather see him with Karen. His chemestry with his current partner was great though! Great performance from both of them!

Pauline is adorable! Plus she likes photography! Partnered with hip hop dancer Brandon because Billy Bell had to go home due to sickness. They did the waltz. I loved her white dress! There were some gorgeous spins, but some of her lines could have been better. Billy...needed work, but for being called in at last minute, did pretty well.

Katherine and Legacy went next with hip hop. I like them both. They seem like an interesting couple. Loved the outfits! Legacy....well just look at him. I thought he got it down perfectly. She did really well for a contemporary dancer and just in general! The piece was great itself. I loved that she knocked him out at the end! Knocking boys around is fun! Their chemestry was amazing....and Legacy "wooed" like Mary Murphy! hahaha!

Nathan is adorable. I don't like Molly. She seems immature for the show. Their dance was disco. It was way too stiff, especially on her part. Most couples don't get that down until they're in the top 4 couples.

Other than SYTYCD and Congregation of the Damned my day sucked. I'm tired and holding a small grudge against Luke for falling asleep on the couch :-)

I'm In Love

No really, I am. I've been waiting for Atreyu's new album to come out for months and today was the day; is the day! Their new album is entitled Congregation of the Dead. I just came back from bullmoose and listened to it in my car all the way home.

What can I say? This is the best album they have ever made. Each album up until now has been different. Their first, Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses has always been my favorite though. My favorite song was Lip Gloss and Black. My favorite quote of all time comes from that song.

If I gave you pretty enough words, could you paint a picture of us that works; Emphasis on function, rather than design.

This album though...it's amazing. It's a combination of all the albums in one. All of their best in one album. Each song makes me want to get up and rock out. It's so good I even cried.

They've been together for 10 years. I discovered them 8 years ago, when my first boyfriend introduced me to their music with the song, Deanne the Arsonist. It was quite a shock, but I loved it! They/my first boyfriend got me through one of the worst years of my life. They're the only band I never get sick of. I love ALL of their songs. The boys are great too! Brandon Saller is my hero! He has the most beautiful voice and his drumming is...so fucking good. I love Alex. His scream is the best and I love that he even sings now! Best guitar I've ever heard. Little Dan is so adorable and so fierce! My favorite riff is still from their first album toward of the song, Someone's Standing On My Chest." So fucking good live. I've seen been lucky enough to see them 3 times. Talking to Brandon Saller and telling him that he was my inspiration for drumming was so amazing. Last time they came to Portland with with Taste of Chaos tour, they came out wearing Pirates jerseys. That was the most amazing moment of my life...until now.

My only regret is that I will not be in New York to see their show and they don't have anywhere closer planned is their tour. I'm still half considering driving to New York though. It's not gonna happen, but still....

This album is better than chocolate. It's better than the best orgasm in the world. It's better than me and it's better than you. So go out and buy it. Don't tell me if you illegally download it, because I won't forgive you. Better yet, Don't illegally download it period.

Favorite Song from each album:
1. Sucide Notes and Butterfly Kisses: Lip Gloss and Black
2. The Curse: Nevada's Grace
3. A Death Grip On Yesterday: Ex's and Oh's
4. Lead Sails Paper Anchor: Slow Burn
5. Congregation of the Damned: You Were The King , Now You're Unconscious

In order from favorite to least favorite:
1. Lip Gloss and Black
2. You Were The King, Now You're Unconscious
3. Nevada's Grace
4. Slow Burn
5. Ex's and Oh's

Favorite Album to Least:
1. Congregation of the Damned

2. Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses
3. Lead Sails Paper Anchor
4. The Curse
5. A Deathgrip On Yesterday

VS: An Unhealthy Obsession?

After receiving the Victoria's Secret catalogue in the mail and pining for everything in it, I started to think about how much underwear I have. I've come to the conclusion that I own $310 in bras alone. I would guess it would be a total of $600 with underwear included. That's completely insane. Underwear is my weakness though.
I was being good about avoiding the urge to buy until part way through this summer. I went shopping with Katya and probably bought $80 worth of bras and matching underwear in H & M. Then I was good until Iszy came back for the long weekend. She wanted to look for a bra in Victoria's Secret. I told her that I wouldn't buy anything before we went in and pulled my tres sexy hat over my eyes to avoid looking. 5 minutes into the store I see a yellow bra, grab it, and pay $40 for it. My excuse: "you don't understand! I've been looking for a yellow bra for 2 years!" So now I'll probably be good until christmas time...

Je t'adore, Je t'adore, make a move, do the thing, turn around, strike a pose!

Lyrics from a song entitled Somebody to Love by Leighton Meester, which brings me to guilty pleasures.

Recently my good friend returned to Maine for a long weekend. One night I told her that I had the new Miley Cyrus song stuck in my head. She replied, "I love that song! It's very catchy!" Until that moment I had been ashamed to admit that I like that song and whenever it plays on the radio in the car or in my room I have to get up and dance. Lately I've been listening to some ridiculous pop music (Somebody to Love by Leighton Meester, Party in the U.S.A by Miley Cyrus, TiK ToK by Ke$ha, Don't Forget by Demi Lovato) It's just so fun to dance to and makes me happy, so what's the harm?

I must admit that I found out about the Somebody to Love from a facebook friend's status update....Nathan Gerbe. He posted the title of this entry. Does that make him gay? No, but I kind of love the fact that my favorite little (5'5) hockey player had that stuck in his head enough to write it on facebook.


Speaking of hockey (I should be writing this in my hockey blog), The pirates were 1-2 for away games this past weekend. That sounds pretty bad, but it's better than I thought it would be. Slow progress is better than none. Mancari had 3 assists, one for each away game. Not a surprise, as he is one of the top players on the team and relatively consistant.

Nathan Gerbe had only one assist in the winning game against the Norfolk Admirals on Saturday. He's one of the best on the team, but somewhat inconsistent. In my opinion, this is mostly due to the mental side of his game. He becomes heated very easily and if he's not doing very well, he gets frustrated, which doesn't help his game. I also wonder if he's still not upset about not staying in Buffalo this season, while his buddy, Ted Kennedy made it. I hope for his sake he makes it up there soon, but I would be sad not to see him anymore.
Why is he my favorite?
As I said before, he's 5'5 and a brilliant hockey player. I love that he doesn't let the bigger guys get the best of him. He's extra tough. You have to be when you're small. When he scores a goal or does well, his whole face lights up. He has that childish grin that is pure happiness. Few other players truly appreciate scoring each goal as much as he does. A lot of times they think of the overall number of goals, but he seems to enjoy each one, as well. I have also enjoyed talking to him occasionally. Hes very down to earth.


Next interesting topic though: Male attention based on physical attraction

I get more than enough of it. I've been told by friends that they're jealous of me because a. I'm "gorgeous" b. I'm confident c. I excel at flirting.

a. The work involved is crazy sometimes, but worth it often. I don't look like a typical blonde or anyone in Maine really. I've learned to accentuate my best features (i'm sure you can figure those out for yourself if you've seen me). After living in New York where everyone looks sophisticated, the routine becomes pretty easy. Does it make me vain? Yeah, a little. I'll admit that...which brings me to

b. Confidence. If you know you're pretty then it's not so difficult. If you pretending you have confidence and walk around like you do, then eventually it will come to you. I rarely look at myself and put myself down. I'm latina. I have curves. That's the way it is and I like it. Nothing to be ashamed of. So I walk around with confidence, and no one will ever see anything less unless, aside from those I trust 100%

c. I don't remember when I really developed that skill. I remember Iszy and Imani calling me "the seductress" freshman year of high school. Honestly it's easy if you can understand how people work and have a bit of confidence. All you have to do is master that smoldering glance and coy smile (for females). I wonder if it doesn't come a bit naturally to my family though. My sister once told me that guys are drawn to her and she doesn't always mean to attract them. It's kind of like a super power. It's a blessing and curse. It has to be controlled or it can turn on you.
The dark side is manipulation. It's addicting and easy, but I don't go there. The more I care about a person (friends included), the more I make sure to avoid manipulation. There are very few people who aren't ensnared by my so called charm. I highly respect those people, although sometimes it's frustrating.

This brings me back to the main point. Most women like that kind of male attention. We've been discussing a similar topic in my Nature/Nurture class. Biologically more suitors mean the best possible gene outcome in children. Of course this is usually subconscious for younger people, because we're not looking to go there yet!

Advice to women: Enjoy it if you've got it, learn it if you want to, don't exploit it, ignore those creeps who think it's okay to whistle and objectify you (they probably don't get any anyway).
Advice to men: Appreciate our effort. It's not that difficult to pay an occasional compliment.

Personally I like to look nice for myself. I don't care so much what guys think a. because i don't have to b. because that can lead to insecurity. It changes a little when I'm not single, but not much!

Okay time to do work. This entry is long enough.

Ambushed

Tonight I went grocery shopping with my dad. I should have known better.
He used it as an excuse to grill me about my life and what I want in the future. Honestly it wasn't that bad, but there are some things that are too far off to think about. For example, when I want to have children and if I want to be the "bread winner" who provides for the family. Way, way way too soon for that.

The simpler stuff I could handle. It's always the same questions over and over by everyone; Tip toeing around the main point. Eventually you all get to it though. "I don't want you go get hurt." If I here that one more time, I will punch whoever says that in the face.

Everyone gets hurt. It's part of life. You can't avoid it. You can't hide and lead a small life because you're afraid of the pain. Would you learn anything if everything went right? No. When something or someone worth it, risk it. How will you know if it's/they're worth it if you don't risk it?

I know my dad wants the best for me. My friends want the best for me. Hopefully you do too. I know I do. Every move I've made in the past 6 months has been on step closer to getting what I want and what I know is best for me...aside from 2 out of those 3 drunken nights this past summer/fall.

A short List: What's worth risking pain or failure
Sport Psychology - I found my passion. I am going to work myself into the ground to get to graduate school. Then I'll work myself into the ground to get through graduate school. Then I'll work myself into the ground to get myself to the job I really want.

Family - I've never told them how much I appreciate and love them. I'm working on that. What am I risking? That they'll abandon me no matter how much I love them. It's an irrational fear, but one that I've had since infancy. Of course they're worth that risk.

Closest Friends - Similar to family.

New Friends - Maybe they'll become close friends. One can never have too many close friends.

Myself - I'm worth it. I could say more, but I don't feel the need to. Ask if you don't already know.

Buffalo Sabres - I put my heart into supporting them because sometimes it's good to put yourself into something you can't control.

(I'm starting to lose focus, which means sleep time soon)

You - It's not that I don't know. I know more than almost everything else on this list.
____________________

I wrote this because I felt a little angry about the doubt that I don't have and everyone else seem to have, and because something someone said triggered my need to fight...for my happiness and for yours

Key:
You = anyone reading this except for the last 2

Broken Heart

I didn't know until recently that a friend could break your heart. She did though.

It's pretty obvious things are going to change when some people go to college and some don't. That doesn't have to cause a rift in a friendship. Friendships are relationship that have to be maintained. They don't just happen. Just like romantic relationships don't just come easily. They take work.

I did all I could and I went way beyond to make it work. Not just because I didn't want to lose a friend, but also because I didn't want to make it hard on our mutual friends. Then she pushed me too far. I thought I had an unlimited amount of patience, but she showed me differently. Eventually I realized that I had to do what was best for myself. It turns out that most of our mutual friends aren't her friends anymore for similar reasons. It should make me feel better, but I don't. I feel a twinge whenever something brings up a memory or I see an update from facebook. Honestly, our friendship was superficial. We were closest when one or both of us had guys in our lives. That's not saying much.

There is less stress for me in that area now. I'm not always worrying that she's upset with me for some illogical reason. Hopefully the twinge will fade eventually.

Alcohol

It's time to face the issue that I've been avoiding since 8th grade. My viewpoint on alcohol. I tend to go hot and cold, but I have my reasons. In 8th grade I wrote a term paper on teenage alcoholism. My opinion in the paper was that the drinking age should be lowered to 18. However, my real opinion was that I would be happy if it were banned, but that would never work (Prohibition). From there I decided that I would not drink alcohol and I didn't until I went to college and became depressed. Still, I despised alcohol and almost anyone who drank it regularly. I despised myself for drinking.

Here's why:
My birth mother is an alcoholic. She drank heavily when she was pregnant with me. I'm afraid if I drink that I will become an alcoholic like her. I don't want that. I deal with my problems in healthy ways because my real parents taught me to. I'm proud of that. Buried even deeper is the fact that I hate my birth mother. That hate affects my opinion of alcohol and people who drink heavily. I don't have a problem with moderate social drinking or being drunk (to a point) every so often.
Also, after being with an ex-boyfriend for a year who was addicted to heroin, I'm afraid of being in a position where someone I care about might turn into some kind of addict/commit suicide etc. That includes alcohol.
If I seem cross or make a passive aggressive remark about your drinkings habits, i'm sorry. It's not about you. It's about me and I'm working on that.

Have A Little Faith

Optimists are hopeful.
We have faith in humanity.
We have faith in most people.
It takes a lot to lose that faith.

Lately, I have realized that I have not put as much faith in some people as I thought I had or as I should. It's not their fault. I suppose it's another one of my self defense mechanisms. Sometimes I assume people will disappoint me, or I expect nothing at all, in which case I won't be disappointed. Well that's wrong and cowardly. I am not a coward. So from here on out, I will have expectations (reasonable ones of course) and I will not jump to conclusions.

I guess it's part of the trust issue. I don't want to be the kind of woman who is bitter toward and condescending of men. I never have been and I don't think that would happen even if I tried (I might have tried...).

Smile

What makes you smile? What makes you laugh?
It seems to me that anything or anyone who makes you laugh or smile is worth investing in.

All of my friends can make me laugh, especially my best friend. That's a huge part of why I'm so happy most of the time.

• Often when I'm downtown, I will see and older couple walking together. Just taking a moment to stop and appreciate that love can last that long can make my day better.
• Watching kittens bat my fingers around makes every Friday great. They're so pure. How could they not give you enjoyment?
• When my dad said "so this is the longest phone conversation we've had in awhile" and went upstairs to talk with mom on the phone alone, I beamed. Our family has been arguing quite a bit lately, so it's nice to see a break from that.
• When my mom randomly inserts Yiddish into her sentences, I smile. She sounds just like her mother.
• When I remember how I used to carry bricks around when I was 2, even though my parents told me not to, I laugh. I've always been a stubborn girl; always proving my strength. I will always carry bricks around. They just might not be literal bricks.
• When I can make someone happy, I'm happy. They laugh, I laugh. They smile, I smile.
• When my favorite little hockey player scores goal after goal and has assist after assist, I jump around excitedly and laugh.
• If a good song suddenly comes on the radio or my ipod, I will smile...then probably get up and dance.
• When I see you, I can't help but smile. (I save the girly giggling for later, when I'm alone and can tell myself "You're being ridiculous Rosalba. Shut up!")

These are just a few of the things that make me smile and laugh.

Awaken All You Night Owls

It's time for me to stretch black wings and extend my fangs.
Just kidding.
Although know there are some of you who think that's true or wish it were.
What is true though?

Zombies seem to be popular again. Although, let's be honest do they ever go out of style? Not since their invention. I have mostly been thinking about it with my best friend. We started a joke zombie killing gang this past summer before beginning college. We're called, The Scavengers, in case you were wondering.

What comes to your mind after watching a zombie movie? I wonder about what I would do in a situation like that. Where would I go? How would I protect myself? As of now, I've been thinking I would move to my house in the woods with supplies and turn it into a zombie proof house. Obviously the goal it to survive, so I don't have a problem killing anyone who is infected. Honestly, it's the better choice for the infected. If I were infected, I would hope someone would do the same for me. Sure it would be a more emotional experience for people close to me, but either way - dead. It's also true that survival is less likely with a large group and/or panicky people. Physical fitness is also an issues. It's harsh, but it's the truth.

Why put so much thought into a zombie invasion? There are plenty of other more realistic situations that might need similar planning. Plus there are plenty of things you can learn about a person by seeing how they would react in a similar situation. It's also just fun!

Meeting the Parents

Today or yesterday, I'm not sure which (late night), I was thinking about parents and how "meeting the parents" can be a really touchy subject. Some women don't understand why and some men don't either. I'll lay it out for you, because I sure as hell think it's a big deal.

Personally, I don't want to bring any guy home to my parents if I'm not serious and sure he is. My family is important to me. They're the best people in the world and if the guy isn't good enough then he doesn't get to see them.

So how do you know when is a good time to introduce them?
more later when I'm not exhausted from lack of sleep

Unrealistic Expectations

It seems to me that women have unrealistic expectations, and I'm sure the same is the other way around, but I'm not going to go there right now.

This occurred thought occurred to me last night somewhere between the fight with my dad, talking with an ex, talking with the guy I'm currently interested(or have been for 5 years...however you want to see it), and a mental breakdown.

Here's the thing. Some of my male friends come to me for advice on girls and a question I hear often is. I don't know if doing (insert romantic action here similar to one found in movies) will be appreciated or if she'll just laugh and think it's lame. What I say in response: Almost every girl loves some romance, just not overkill. What makes something romantic is the thought put into it, while making it seems spontaneous to the girl. If you're not the kind of guy who is used to showing affection or telling someone you care, then you can do it in small ways.

For example, if you haven't seen her recently or you've been busy with school/work, then just drop something small by her house. Personally, I like dessert, so a piece of tiramisu would be awesome to me. I guarantee she'll be smiling for the next few days. Flowers are good too, but not too soon after meeting. They can freak some women out.

But what does this have to do with unrealistic expectations? Well most women will say they don't expect those romantic things from a man. For most of them, that would be a huge lie. A woman will always wish a guy would do something special like that and feel slightly let down when an opportunity arises and the man doesn't take it. She'll never show it though unless she's a whiny manipulator.

So expecting a man to be very romantic is an unrealistic expectation, and I guarantee most women would get sick of too much.

But onto The List. It never ceases to amaze me how many women have one. Yes, I'm talking about a detailed list of what makes the perfect guy. Some have it because they truly are looking for someone who will fit everything on that list, some women use it as a general guideline, some use it to keep guys they aren't really interested in, away. I made mine when I realized most of the guys I tended to be attracted too had similar characteristics. My reason for making one was primarily to keep away a lot of guys I wasn't interested in.
My List:
Confident, Independent, Kind, Laid Back, Smart, Open minded, Listens, Funny, Honest, Healthy, Practical about money, Individual, Diligent, Attractive to me("preferably short brown hair, brown eyes, square(masculine) jaw, 5'5-5'6 or 6'0 and above in height, athletic build (okay i really said hockey player build), bright smile).

Now let's be honest, do any of you know a man who is exactly like that? Okay I can think of 1 and I designed my idealistic list around him, but he's not perfect. There is no such thing. Ultimately most woman will throw her list out when she finds a man she really likes regardless of how he fits the list. Let's be honest, the list is really to ensure that the woman doesn't get played. I promise I threw mine out a while ago.

more later

Bottoms Up

Bottoms Up - Reworked as of 11/05/09. This should be the final form. Don't assume it relates to me.

He perceives the world
From the bottom of a beer bottle
Through golden liquor, sloshing unsteadily
His gaze rises to the bottleneck window.

From the bottom of a beer bottle
A golden filter frames the scene
His gaze rises to the bottleneck window
Sunny smiles, Rowdy company.

A golden filter frames the scene
Bubbling laughter, “Cheers!”
Sunny smiles, Rowdy company,
Heat of the moment.

Bubbling laughter, “Cheers!”
Heat of the liquor,
Heat of the moment
Relax his shoulders, slump.

Heat of the liquor
Dull flames weave through his body
Relax his shoulders, slump
Burying his reason.

Dull flames weave through his body,
Late night memories fade
His reason, buried
Black overcomes his vision.

Late night memories fade
Shards fracture and shoot across eyelids
Black overcomes his reason
Bright beams assail two pupils.

Shards fracture and shoot across eyelids,
Pressure builds
Bright beams assail two pupils
Until, shattering glass fills his dark matter.

Pressure builds
His empty stomach rebels
Shattering glass fills his dark matter
Gut rejecting stale beer.

His empty stomach rebels
Head ducked between knees
Gut rejecting stale beer
He stands, swaying.

Head ducked between knees, eyes shut
Against golden liquor, sloshing unsteadily
Silence fills empty space, between discarded brown glasses
He perceives the world.

Here it is

I figure I should have a public blog as well as a private one. Only a few people are allowed to see the private one, but sometimes I write about things that more people should be able to see. So here it is.