Deanne The Arsonist

Over the past 3 days, I've been listening to Atreyu a lot. Well that's all I've been listening to really. They take me to that happy place. This may seem weird since Alex does a lot of screaming especially in the earlier albums.
I've been listening to Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses a lot today. It's a pretty depressing album, but I like it anyway and it doesn't depress me. Once upon a time I could relate to A Vampire's Lament. Yes, I was that depressed. I just enjoy the song now though. I don't relate to most of the songs on that album now, but there are a few lines scattered here and there.
Lip Gloss and Black is and has been my favorite song since the album came out. The beginning is just so...beautiful. Then the Brandon leads up to the first verse with his beautiful drumming skills. That first verse is my favorite and I always quote the first part of it.

If I gave you pretty enough words, could you paint a picture of us that works? Emphasis on function, rather than design.

Maybe it's because I choose difficult guys. I don't know. Don't care really. I just like it. The point is that when someone you care about that much is in pain, you try to ease their burden by putting it on yourself, but of course that's hard on you and frustrating if they don't let you in. It's romantic in a dark way, the self sacrifice. I guess I relate to it because I'm constantly sacrificing my own happiness and time to help other people. Is that so bad? Maybe some day I'll burn out, but right now helping friends makes me happy even if sometimes I feel worn to the bone and like nothing will ever change. Luckily, up to this point, I haven't felt completely pessimistic about anything for even a whole day.

For example, I've been worried about a couple of my best friends recently, because they've been having a difficult time in college. I want them to do well and be happy. So I sent one of them a care package, and that seemed to brighten her day, along with some advice. After that I felt better as well. I miss her like crazy.
And of course, there is the one who either manages to make me feel completely miserable or happy. Like I said, luckily I'm not a pessimist, so I don't let that keep me down for long. My stubborn streak also comes in handy in that situation. Part of it is my fault though. I won't deny that. I should be more honest about when my feelings have been hurt. I'm just not very good at being vulnerable. Is anyone though?
Strength is valued in this culture. I'm not saying that's bad, but I'd like to feel like I can let my guard down. The conversation in my head is going something like this:
Take a chance
I am taking a chance damn it
Take a bigger one
FINE

I'm silly like that.
Funny I didn't think I had anything to say today. I was just going to post another song from Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses that I like. So I will now. This is the first song that I was ever introduced to. No warning of how loud and how much screaming there would be. At the time, the only screamed words I could make out were "fuck" and "shit."

Go
Coward, the next time you want to fuck me over stab me in the front.
(Can I still see my future in your eyes)
Or can I picture myself stone dead in your embrace
And your cruel crimson smile kills me quietly

No one could have their moments free from your withering touch...
Fuck off like you're the only one who has ever cried or been broken by love
Spare me your pity party drunk off your own misfortunes
Wallowing in your blissful melancholy

Can you taste my blood?
You knew that this would kill me but you carried on and on with your selfish shit.
Everyone cared about you why couldn't you
Instead your greed compelled you to steal other silver linings...

Burnt down my world, you killed my hope
Spread out the ash and walked away
How could you just close off your eyes...
Turn tail and run, you are the greatest coward

Come On
Damn right I'm still pissed...
Next time I see your face we'll see who has the upper hand
Kiss my fist. Taste the floor. Tired of your games... fuck off goodbye...