I hope someday they make birth control for men. Control those sperm with a pill! Frankly, I don't enjoy the fact that the pill makes girls gain weight. More gym. Lots more. As you can see I'm back on the pill. Damn annoying little thing.
On the bright side, it makes me less paranoid about getting pregnant. Yay!...not that I have sex enough to really worry about it (boo!)
Bed time now.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Ex-Chocoholic?
I used to love chocolate. I still do, but I rarely have it anymore. Those Godiva chocolates my dad got me for Valentine's Day? Barely touched. Chocolate ice cream? My favorite - Can't remember the last time I had it. Went to Coldstone with Hallie over break, but before that? Can't remember the last time I had ice cream. Occasionally I go to movies and if I have money, I buy popcorn and m&ms. Still, that's not a lot. Then there's the fact that I have lost weight and would rather not gain it back...
I used to eat chocolate whenever I got stressed. I don't know when that stopped. I think it might have been before I got Luca...Maybe he's my new stress reliever. I just take a break and play with him or cuddle with him since cuddly L #1 isn't available very often. Sometimes it's calming just watching him sleep (my dog). It sounds weird, but he's just so adorable. That caring feeling = rise in certain hormones = happy Rosalba.
I might actually get through today...
I used to eat chocolate whenever I got stressed. I don't know when that stopped. I think it might have been before I got Luca...Maybe he's my new stress reliever. I just take a break and play with him or cuddle with him since cuddly L #1 isn't available very often. Sometimes it's calming just watching him sleep (my dog). It sounds weird, but he's just so adorable. That caring feeling = rise in certain hormones = happy Rosalba.
I might actually get through today...
Stress
I'm on overload right now. I don't even know how I'm going to make it through the day. I think it's mostly in my head. It's just so hard to get past that it makes everything I have to do seem like a bigger deal than it probably is. I'm feeling kind of anemic, which isn't helping. I don't have time to sit down and talk or cry until 4 PM. I just need to make it until then.
Monday, March 29, 2010
I Just Can't Fight This Feeling
This full moon is seemingly more mellow than most. It tends to go in one of two direction. Tonight it's the cuddle on the couch and see where it goes from there type. Doesn't really matter though because neither are happening.
I had a great afternoon with Vano though. We ran errands in his car while listening to dance music, went to eat by the mall and then visited Waynflete. 'Flete has changed so much. My class had the biggest impact on it. We're the reason they build the new theater. We're gone and so many of the teachers have/are going too.
I had a great afternoon with Vano though. We ran errands in his car while listening to dance music, went to eat by the mall and then visited Waynflete. 'Flete has changed so much. My class had the biggest impact on it. We're the reason they build the new theater. We're gone and so many of the teachers have/are going too.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Change
The Pirates are, but I'm glad. I like the team better as a whole without Nate, Tyler Ennis and Mark Mancari. I like those guys, but they take too much away from the rest of the team. The others live in their shadow.
I heard Dineen yelled at Nate yesterday. Apparently he said he would bench him for the rest of the season if he didn't start playing as part of the team. I hadn't noticed that myself so much. To me it seemed like since last season he hasn't trusted himself enough and frequently passed to other players. He used it get in front of the net and makes stuff happen. Then he didn't make the Buffalo team and Tyler Ennis came along and took his light.
Anyway he left for Boston today to play against them tomorrow. I saw him on his way out. He passed me and said hello and I said hi. I knew he was leaving today, but I didn't realize he was leaving at that moment. I would have said good-bye if I had. I wish I had said something. Then I freaked out because I thought he had deleted me from friends on facebook. When I checked again though, that wasn't the case. I highly enjoyed his company. He's very introverted and rightly so. He's been getting so much attention since BC and probably even before that. It's pretty difficult trying to figure out who talks to you for you and who does it because you're an attractive, professional hockey player. At the same time it's his responsibility to be generous with his time and attention with the public. He's good with children, but he could be better with other people too. Most of the fans thought he was cold/distant. He wasn't really with me though. He was nice and I quite enjoyed our conversations. It just takes more effort to get to know an introvert.
So bottom line is that I will miss him terribly. He has the best smile in the world, he's funny and he's normal. Now he's gone. Maybe he'll be back, maybe not. I hope for his sake he's finally made it to Buffalo to start his NHL career.
I will also miss the stoned facial expression that Tyler Ennis always wears. It was hilarious. I'll miss Mark Mancari's constancy and strength on the ice, but neither of them like Nate.
________
I went to see my sister yesterday in Boston. It was pretty fun. We went around shopping. I was exhausted on the way back. I didn't realize until this morning that I was kind of depressed and it had to do with yesterday. How to put it? She's white....no, wait, she thinks she is. She doesn't seem to realize that we're latino and we have latino bodies. She bought into societal pressure about weight. She's not anorexic or bulimic, but skinny. To me it looks unnatural...un-latina. No curves. Just straight. She's also heavily into fashion in a way I'm not. She's judgmental and doesn't really seem to know who she is. She would say "this is ugly" or "these people should never wear this."
So if I seem down, that's why. I didn't really know what to say, so I didn't say anything. I can't tell her what to do or who she is. Afterall, she shares my blood and my stubbornness. She's doing things at a younger age than I did...yet sometimes she says she wants to be like me. She's not though. I know i'm above average when it comes to the attitude of people my age. I know what I want, I have confidence, I know which people make good friends, I don't drink constantly, I never did drugs, I deal with my stress/problems in healthy ways, I eat pretty well, I try to get enough sleep, I knew smoking was stupid and didn't do it for very long. How many people my age do all of these things apply to? Not very many.
The hardest part is standing back and letting her make her mistakes...some of which I made and learned from and offering advice only when asked. Being an older sibling is a tough job and I don't think our younger siblings appreciate it enough until they're much older...kind of like we all don't appreciate our parents efforts until we're all older. It's tiring and frustrating, but I like it. I think any good eldest sibling would say the same. It's flattering to have someone look up to you and to see them grow up. I do actually enjoy her company. My sister is a good person and I think that going to college will give her a broader perspective of who she can be and hopefully she'll find herself along the way.
Anyway, I didn't realize any of this until I brought Luca home. I sat in the hall and cried, while he curled up in my lap to comfort me. I do not know how I could live without him. He keeps me present and my love and caring for him has heightened my understanding of love and caring in general.
You can say he's just a dog. Just don't say it to me, because he's not to me. He's my baby; the innocent life I am responsible for; my constant reminder of what unconditional love really is.
Anyway he left for Boston today to play against them tomorrow. I saw him on his way out. He passed me and said hello and I said hi. I knew he was leaving today, but I didn't realize he was leaving at that moment. I would have said good-bye if I had. I wish I had said something. Then I freaked out because I thought he had deleted me from friends on facebook. When I checked again though, that wasn't the case. I highly enjoyed his company. He's very introverted and rightly so. He's been getting so much attention since BC and probably even before that. It's pretty difficult trying to figure out who talks to you for you and who does it because you're an attractive, professional hockey player. At the same time it's his responsibility to be generous with his time and attention with the public. He's good with children, but he could be better with other people too. Most of the fans thought he was cold/distant. He wasn't really with me though. He was nice and I quite enjoyed our conversations. It just takes more effort to get to know an introvert.
I will also miss the stoned facial expression that Tyler Ennis always wears. It was hilarious. I'll miss Mark Mancari's constancy and strength on the ice, but neither of them like Nate.
________
I went to see my sister yesterday in Boston. It was pretty fun. We went around shopping. I was exhausted on the way back. I didn't realize until this morning that I was kind of depressed and it had to do with yesterday. How to put it? She's white....no, wait, she thinks she is. She doesn't seem to realize that we're latino and we have latino bodies. She bought into societal pressure about weight. She's not anorexic or bulimic, but skinny. To me it looks unnatural...un-latina. No curves. Just straight. She's also heavily into fashion in a way I'm not. She's judgmental and doesn't really seem to know who she is. She would say "this is ugly" or "these people should never wear this."
So if I seem down, that's why. I didn't really know what to say, so I didn't say anything. I can't tell her what to do or who she is. Afterall, she shares my blood and my stubbornness. She's doing things at a younger age than I did...yet sometimes she says she wants to be like me. She's not though. I know i'm above average when it comes to the attitude of people my age. I know what I want, I have confidence, I know which people make good friends, I don't drink constantly, I never did drugs, I deal with my stress/problems in healthy ways, I eat pretty well, I try to get enough sleep, I knew smoking was stupid and didn't do it for very long. How many people my age do all of these things apply to? Not very many.
The hardest part is standing back and letting her make her mistakes...some of which I made and learned from and offering advice only when asked. Being an older sibling is a tough job and I don't think our younger siblings appreciate it enough until they're much older...kind of like we all don't appreciate our parents efforts until we're all older. It's tiring and frustrating, but I like it. I think any good eldest sibling would say the same. It's flattering to have someone look up to you and to see them grow up. I do actually enjoy her company. My sister is a good person and I think that going to college will give her a broader perspective of who she can be and hopefully she'll find herself along the way.
Anyway, I didn't realize any of this until I brought Luca home. I sat in the hall and cried, while he curled up in my lap to comfort me. I do not know how I could live without him. He keeps me present and my love and caring for him has heightened my understanding of love and caring in general.
You can say he's just a dog. Just don't say it to me, because he's not to me. He's my baby; the innocent life I am responsible for; my constant reminder of what unconditional love really is.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Sandy Feet
Tonight was interesting. As I was heading home tonight, I stopped at a red light next 2 two young police men going off duty. Well it was on Forest Ave, so you know how long those lights are, especially at night.
I suppose they could see I was upset, so one knocked on my window. I was slightly afraid that they were going to give me a ticket for throwing my phone across the car. Apparently not. The brunette (Nick) asked me if I was okay. Men seem to do that. You're crying and yet they ask if you're okay. Oh well. Anyway I ended up having coffee with them at McDonalds. It was really weird. Have you ever discussed your man issues with young male police officers? Then the blonde one, Aaron, walked me back to my car after and said something like "you seem like a really great girl, you deserve better" and wrote down his number.
Can I just say this weirded me out? Not because he gave me his number, but because his words reminded me of someone elses words a long time ago. Needless to say I threw out the number when I got home.
That was after I went to the beach though. I walked down the street barefoot. Let me tell you. It was cold and wet. I had a flashback to post prom junior year. It was cold and wet that year too, but I don't remember being very cold. Then again, I never am when...
I wrote in the sand, but the tide will probably wash it away before anyone sees.
I suppose they could see I was upset, so one knocked on my window. I was slightly afraid that they were going to give me a ticket for throwing my phone across the car. Apparently not. The brunette (Nick) asked me if I was okay. Men seem to do that. You're crying and yet they ask if you're okay. Oh well. Anyway I ended up having coffee with them at McDonalds. It was really weird. Have you ever discussed your man issues with young male police officers? Then the blonde one, Aaron, walked me back to my car after and said something like "you seem like a really great girl, you deserve better" and wrote down his number.
Can I just say this weirded me out? Not because he gave me his number, but because his words reminded me of someone elses words a long time ago. Needless to say I threw out the number when I got home.
I wrote in the sand, but the tide will probably wash it away before anyone sees.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Time For Miracles
I guess I like to think about it, because I like to know who matters most in my life. It changes slightly every time. Of course the fact that Adam Lambert is part of the soundtrack is even better.
It keeps me strong. Although I have come to learn that sometimes it's good to be able to rely on someone else.
I've been tweeting a lot more lately. It's kind of fun. At least I have a place to put random thoughts, then go back and laugh at them or think about them more.
Recently they've been about Dan Balan, le boy, my puppy or a few other random things. Most people don't know I have it or what it is, so I can say pretty much anything I want.
If you know anything about twitter, you know there are "trending topics" which are the ones most tweeted about. For one I wrote, "hurry up and figure it out. If there's one thing you can be sure about, it's me." My friend also has an account and respond "THIS! THIS! THIS!" Glad I'm not the only one I guess.
Been thinking more about the difference between being determined and stubborn. Always determined sometimes stubborn. So true. I'd like to be less stubborn.
Also been thinking about how my boys are growing up. They're kind of men now. I say kind of because going out to dinner with them is like baby sitting a bunch of 7 year olds who occasionally have an adult conversation, which usually turns into a debate. I miss my boys though. They're like the 3 musketeers...More on that later...
Recently they've been about Dan Balan, le boy, my puppy or a few other random things. Most people don't know I have it or what it is, so I can say pretty much anything I want.
If you know anything about twitter, you know there are "trending topics" which are the ones most tweeted about. For one I wrote, "hurry up and figure it out. If there's one thing you can be sure about, it's me." My friend also has an account and respond "THIS! THIS! THIS!" Glad I'm not the only one I guess.
Been thinking more about the difference between being determined and stubborn. Always determined sometimes stubborn. So true. I'd like to be less stubborn.
Also been thinking about how my boys are growing up. They're kind of men now. I say kind of because going out to dinner with them is like baby sitting a bunch of 7 year olds who occasionally have an adult conversation, which usually turns into a debate. I miss my boys though. They're like the 3 musketeers...More on that later...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Weakness
Everyone has at least one. Mine used to be chocolate. Then I found something better and more addictive.
Tonight I was watching a music video for Chica Bomb by Dan Balan (he used to be in O-Zone). This song/video is going to be my Full Moon anthem from now on. It perfectly describes me during the full moon. Also Dan Balan is extremely attractive as are the models in the video (they have curves!) and I'm pretty sure one of them is wearing a pair of VS panties that I own ahaha wow.
Anyway I figured out that I have had my "type" wrong this whole time. I used to think it was square jaw, chestnut brown hair, scruffy, brown eyes, broad shoulders etc. Think Nathan Gerbe. Don't get me wrong, those guys are attractive, but they don't make me weak.
Then I saw this video and it hit me. He literally hypnotizes me. Something like "oooh...face...can't look away...so...attractive...is it hot in here or is it just me?" So naturally I asked myself, why?
The full moon is in 7 days. I'm so ready. Are you? ;)
Tonight I was watching a music video for Chica Bomb by Dan Balan (he used to be in O-Zone). This song/video is going to be my Full Moon anthem from now on. It perfectly describes me during the full moon. Also Dan Balan is extremely attractive as are the models in the video (they have curves!) and I'm pretty sure one of them is wearing a pair of VS panties that I own ahaha wow.
Anyway I figured out that I have had my "type" wrong this whole time. I used to think it was square jaw, chestnut brown hair, scruffy, brown eyes, broad shoulders etc. Think Nathan Gerbe. Don't get me wrong, those guys are attractive, but they don't make me weak.
Then I saw this video and it hit me. He literally hypnotizes me. Something like "oooh...face...can't look away...so...attractive...is it hot in here or is it just me?" So naturally I asked myself, why?
- Defined facial features - relatively pointed chin, nose, narrow eyes
- Cheek bones!
- Not a super athletic build, but very European - kind of slender, but not thin
- Curly brown hair
- Slender fingers
- less (facial hair) is more
The full moon is in 7 days. I'm so ready. Are you? ;)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
10 Pounds
I had my last physical 6 months ago. Tonight I randomly decided to weigh myself. In the last 6 months I've lost 9 pounds. I'm not one to talk about or obsess over weight, but when I realized this I was super excited. It's more about gaining muscle for me though. Since I stopped dancing, I lost some, but I'm gaining it back now and my flexibility is as great as ever.
I have decided on a specific goal by summer though.
I still claim regular sex is the best workout though.
Oh well...
I have decided on a specific goal by summer though.
I still claim regular sex is the best workout though.
Oh well...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Mothers and TFLN
There are many reasons mother's are great. This is just an example of how great mine is.
You know you have the greatest mom in the world when she says, "next time tell him not to break the skin" (when he bites)
____
On a slightly separate note, I just found out that my friend from New York submitted my texts from Thursday morning (post St. Patty's Day) to the Texts From Last Night site. Went something like this:
Me: "I realized I had bite marks on my shoulder and neck when a girl in class asked me what they were."
NY: "do you have rabies?!"
Me: "Ha ha so funny. I remember who just not when. I feel like I have battle sex marks though."
You know you have the greatest mom in the world when she says, "next time tell him not to break the skin" (when he bites)
____
On a slightly separate note, I just found out that my friend from New York submitted my texts from Thursday morning (post St. Patty's Day) to the Texts From Last Night site. Went something like this:
Me: "I realized I had bite marks on my shoulder and neck when a girl in class asked me what they were."
NY: "do you have rabies?!"
Me: "Ha ha so funny. I remember who just not when. I feel like I have battle sex marks though."
Friday, March 19, 2010
Some Sort Of Wonderland
I went to see Alice in Wonderland tonight with Katya, Micah and their mom tonight. It was sketchy, but then I've never liked Alice in Wonderland. After seeing the Disney movie I refused to read the book or ever see the movie again. If I can't handle that, then I probably couldn't handle drugs. Not that I would want to anyway. It's just another good reason not to. I didn't like it until they said the good-bye. You know what was also sketchy? The mad hatter saying she could stay there. It was way too romantic and while he didn't look like Johnny Depp. It was still Johnny Depp asking a young girl to marry him. Just wrong.
Nevertheless I had an epiphany. Really it started 2 nights ago. I said something I never thought I'd say. It didn't seem like much until tonight.
The truth is...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Vaction
It's finally here.
My St. Patty's Day was great. I'm bruised in some places (slipped on Kat's rug) and aching all over. An exceptionally good night involving Kat, Micah, Ninja Assassin and Zombieland. We discussed whether we would cut our loves because we were told to for their punishment or not. Kat said she would. I wouldn't. That was our last sober conversation that night.
The rest of the night was good too.
Going to classes today...not so much.
My St. Patty's Day was great. I'm bruised in some places (slipped on Kat's rug) and aching all over. An exceptionally good night involving Kat, Micah, Ninja Assassin and Zombieland. We discussed whether we would cut our loves because we were told to for their punishment or not. Kat said she would. I wouldn't. That was our last sober conversation that night.
The rest of the night was good too.
Going to classes today...not so much.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
St. Patty's Day
It's finally here! My ideal plan would have been to drink all day, but alas that is not to be. My dad poured out the rest of my vodka, which I'm still super pissed about. Mostly because of the money I spent, but that's okay he owes me and I'm gonna take it back.
My party doesn't start until tonight, but that's going to be pretty epic. Peruvians make everything better especially when there are 3 of us.
My party doesn't start until tonight, but that's going to be pretty epic. Peruvians make everything better especially when there are 3 of us.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
So Much
In less than 24 hours I wrote 8 papers. Do you know how amazing that is? I'm pretty proud.
This evening was the best though. Knowing that I would be at a hockey game with my oreo aka Kate and Katya would get me through the day. We went to bingas first though. I got coffee at starbucks thanks to Kat's gift card thingy. That energy transferred from me to Kate and we had a pretty crazy time during warm ups.
My first reaction to seeing Ford, the new goalie, on the ice was, "wow. He's huge!" Of course Kate and Katya took that in a dirty sense and Kat made it her status. Earlier Kate made a comment about wearing open toed shoes today because it was so warm and I responded, "that's why I'm not wearing pants!" Again...dirty. There was more, but those were my favorites. I also made a joke about Nate, which I won't repeat here. Kat knows what it is though.
Later during an intermission we ran into Matt Generous. Honestly, he's one of the nicest guys on the team, which I found out the night before last when I sat next to him during the season ticket holder party. Anyway tonight we saw him after the game. He stopped to talk with us and he had Dennis Persson and 2 really hot friends with him. They checked us out and he asked if were there to see him or I think he said aw you waited after! To which I responded, no, we're here to see McKenna actually. Once again I have insulted a very nice guy. He probably thinks I hate him. I don't. Way to put your foot in your mouth Rosalba.
I made a little pact with Kate too. She went through with her end tonight. I didn't. I will though. I keep my promises!
Also I decided, fuck it. I'm going to say something tomorrow, because not knowing such things is inacceptable. Tomorrow is St. Patty's day. Tomorrow night I'm gettin' crunk with my Peruvian twins. Oh yes.
I also decided I should wear skirts more often.
This evening was the best though. Knowing that I would be at a hockey game with my oreo aka Kate and Katya would get me through the day. We went to bingas first though. I got coffee at starbucks thanks to Kat's gift card thingy. That energy transferred from me to Kate and we had a pretty crazy time during warm ups.
My first reaction to seeing Ford, the new goalie, on the ice was, "wow. He's huge!" Of course Kate and Katya took that in a dirty sense and Kat made it her status. Earlier Kate made a comment about wearing open toed shoes today because it was so warm and I responded, "that's why I'm not wearing pants!" Again...dirty. There was more, but those were my favorites. I also made a joke about Nate, which I won't repeat here. Kat knows what it is though.
Later during an intermission we ran into Matt Generous. Honestly, he's one of the nicest guys on the team, which I found out the night before last when I sat next to him during the season ticket holder party. Anyway tonight we saw him after the game. He stopped to talk with us and he had Dennis Persson and 2 really hot friends with him. They checked us out and he asked if were there to see him or I think he said aw you waited after! To which I responded, no, we're here to see McKenna actually. Once again I have insulted a very nice guy. He probably thinks I hate him. I don't. Way to put your foot in your mouth Rosalba.
I made a little pact with Kate too. She went through with her end tonight. I didn't. I will though. I keep my promises!
Also I decided, fuck it. I'm going to say something tomorrow, because not knowing such things is inacceptable. Tomorrow is St. Patty's day. Tomorrow night I'm gettin' crunk with my Peruvian twins. Oh yes.
I also decided I should wear skirts more often.
Can't I Just?
Figuring out when to say something or ask something important is a bitch. Just saying.
I think it's worse for a girl though, because we need to make sure that we're not pmsing when we raise a subject that may not go well if said question or statement is answered in an unpleasant manner.
It started last night I believe. I had an intense 'Mine!' moment. It's partly due to being an only children. Everything belonged to me and I rarely had to share. My barbies, my beast wars, my ty beanie babies, my puppy etc.
Luckily I learned that sometimes it's good to share. On the other end of things, sometimes you don't share, because that's just not okay.
I think it's worse for a girl though, because we need to make sure that we're not pmsing when we raise a subject that may not go well if said question or statement is answered in an unpleasant manner.
It started last night I believe. I had an intense 'Mine!' moment. It's partly due to being an only children. Everything belonged to me and I rarely had to share. My barbies, my beast wars, my ty beanie babies, my puppy etc.
Luckily I learned that sometimes it's good to share. On the other end of things, sometimes you don't share, because that's just not okay.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Zen
ish...Woke up at 6:30 thanks to my adorable little puppy. Damn it. Luckily after ignoring his whines, he went back to sleep. I, however, couldn't get back to sleep. I'll start fading around 4 probably unless I get a nap in.
So I went for a run with Luca and then got a mani/pedi. It hurt. I guess it's true, beauty is pain...sometimes, but on the bright side, my nails look great! I was thinking about it in the car though. Heels, waxing etc. Last night I walked from Fuji to the civic center and back in my heels. I enjoy wearing them, but they're not good for feet, especially flat feet.
Okay. Nap time until someone calls or my puppy starts barking in my ear.
So I went for a run with Luca and then got a mani/pedi. It hurt. I guess it's true, beauty is pain...sometimes, but on the bright side, my nails look great! I was thinking about it in the car though. Heels, waxing etc. Last night I walked from Fuji to the civic center and back in my heels. I enjoy wearing them, but they're not good for feet, especially flat feet.
Okay. Nap time until someone calls or my puppy starts barking in my ear.
Pray
©Daniel Marsula/Post-Gazette
My place to pray is in the shower oddly enough. In my opinion, the place doesn't matter. The content and sincerity do. I generally pray for other people - usually the people I love or people having a hard time. Or I just thank g-d (something you should know - Jews don't write the word with an o because it's considered disrespectful). I have so many things to be thankful for and I don't take them for granted. I'm lucky and I know it. I appreciate it. Sometimes I pray for a little help, but I think we could all use that.
Percentage
I was talking with a friend today about our outlooks on men and life. She said (as others have said too) she's in a man hating phase. I've never been in one of those before. Generally I understand guys, so I can't hate what I understand. Some guys act horribly though and deserve it. Meanwhile I'm in a 'la-la-la-I-love-life -look-at-the-pretty-flowers-happy-happy-skip-down-the-street-and-sing' phase. I guess there is probably another name for that. Am I ridiculous? Oh hell yes and I'm enjoying every minute.
On another note, I'm relieved that Luke doesn't hate my puppy. For some reason I thought he did and I was worried about that, because my puppy is half of mon coeur. I must admit I highly enjoyed the fact that my puppy wouldn't listen to Luke when he told him to sit. I guess I've also been avoiding writing/saying my puppy's name in places that Luke could see/read. The reason behind that is also the reason I thought Luke didn't like my puppy.
My puppy is currently sprawled across his pillow. He wouldn't sleep until I turned out the light. I can confidently say he's house trained now (thank g-d!) It has been a lot like raising a toddler, but I wouldn't give it up for anything...er almost anything. I guess I'll have my eyes open for the future.
He's not perfect. He has his issues. He's stubborn, but I still love him unconditionally. I get less sleep because of him and I think about him all the time, but when he comes up to me and hugs me, I'm incredibly happy. He knows just how to make me laugh and can always cheer me up. Yeah I'm talking about a dog not a man although...
On another note, I'm relieved that Luke doesn't hate my puppy. For some reason I thought he did and I was worried about that, because my puppy is half of mon coeur. I must admit I highly enjoyed the fact that my puppy wouldn't listen to Luke when he told him to sit. I guess I've also been avoiding writing/saying my puppy's name in places that Luke could see/read. The reason behind that is also the reason I thought Luke didn't like my puppy.
My puppy is currently sprawled across his pillow. He wouldn't sleep until I turned out the light. I can confidently say he's house trained now (thank g-d!) It has been a lot like raising a toddler, but I wouldn't give it up for anything...er almost anything. I guess I'll have my eyes open for the future.
He's not perfect. He has his issues. He's stubborn, but I still love him unconditionally. I get less sleep because of him and I think about him all the time, but when he comes up to me and hugs me, I'm incredibly happy. He knows just how to make me laugh and can always cheer me up. Yeah I'm talking about a dog not a man although...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Nothing
To say today really.
I had a nice lunch with Carol. I spent a good quarter of it trying to convince her that Luke is not a douche. I don't think it really worked. It was nice catching up with her though.
I guess maybe I'll write in my other blog now. I haven't used it since November. I guess I'm pretty open with most stuff, so I don't need my private blog most of the time.
I spent the evening reading the Lady Gaga cosmo. I must admit I was a little disappointed in the piece about her. There was one article that was interesting though. It's about women who date men with lower incomes. I'll post it here later. I guess one of my fears about being so ambitious is that once I get to the top of my career, men are generally going to be intimidated. Like I've said before, there are only 5 positions and only 1 is filled by a woman. I'm going to have to kick ass and run with the boys. I like being a woman though.
I had a nice lunch with Carol. I spent a good quarter of it trying to convince her that Luke is not a douche. I don't think it really worked. It was nice catching up with her though.
I guess maybe I'll write in my other blog now. I haven't used it since November. I guess I'm pretty open with most stuff, so I don't need my private blog most of the time.
I spent the evening reading the Lady Gaga cosmo. I must admit I was a little disappointed in the piece about her. There was one article that was interesting though. It's about women who date men with lower incomes. I'll post it here later. I guess one of my fears about being so ambitious is that once I get to the top of my career, men are generally going to be intimidated. Like I've said before, there are only 5 positions and only 1 is filled by a woman. I'm going to have to kick ass and run with the boys. I like being a woman though.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Valentine's Day (The Movie)
Then there was a part where a highschool girl's mother walked in on the girl's boyfriend naked with a guitar. That was hilarious and awkward (for them).
Here are a few quotes that I feel are true:
"in a relationship you have to accept the other person for all of who they are and not just the parts that are easy to like, and you're stupid if you turn back on something as important as love"
"When I was a kid, most of the advice that my dad gave me was crap. But there's one thing that he said that was pure genius... he said, if you're ever with a girl that's too good for you, marry her."
*There are more, but I can't remember them. I had this elated feeling after the movie - like tomorrow will be Valentine's Day and it will be great. That day is passed for this year, but that doesn't mean I can't carry that happy feeling around.
During the car ride home, I thought about how I used to feel like the embodiment of women's vengence. Somewhere along the way that changed. Now it's all love and happiness. Maybe my puppy had something to do with that. Maybe it was something else. Doesn't really matter. What matters is this great feeling I carry around with me all the time.
*Photo taken by Katy Regnier (Website)
Shutter Island
Last night I went to Flatbread with Jared and Edith. That was fun and obviously delicious. Somehow Jared ended up cutting his hand though. He looked down and said, "I'm bleeding..."
Then Edith decided to go see some other friends, so Hallie came over and then the three of us went to see Shutter Island. It was long and they failed at the Boston accent. The plot was pretty predictable in a 1908-minus-the-horror way. However, I highly enjoyed DiCaprio's acting. I also thought some of the cinematography was great, especially the storm scenes. I liked that there weren't a ton of suspense and shock scenes.
There was one scene where he jumps into the Atlantic ocean and swims to the lighthouse. I laughed at it and told Hallie and Jared that once again Leo was in the cold Atlantic Ocean (if you don't get it: Reference to Titanic). I used to really dislike him, but as he's matured, his acting has become more impressive...and he's more attractive.
There was one scene where he jumps into the Atlantic ocean and swims to the lighthouse. I laughed at it and told Hallie and Jared that once again Leo was in the cold Atlantic Ocean (if you don't get it: Reference to Titanic). I used to really dislike him, but as he's matured, his acting has become more impressive...and he's more attractive.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Bodies
You know, the ones I hide behind my condo. It looks like once again I've said too much. Oh well!
What I'm really referring to is the part of the workshop where we talked about and worked on women's/our bodies. Generally I felt connected to the group, but not so much for this part. We talked about fat oppression, which is something I'd never really heard of in those terms before.
This society is so out of touch with the real meaning of beauty and individuality. Skinny is in. Anorexia and Bulimia are in. Remember when people that skinny could only be found in concentration camps and third world nations? Well I guess it's still true in poverty ridden areas, but it's a mainstream thing now. It's one thing to be naturally skinny. It's another to starve yourself, create an over-exhausting exercise routine and constantly put yourself down because you no longer have a realistic idea of what your body should look like. It should look like you. healthy. For everyone that image is different.
Fat oppression is, put every simply, the belief that if you're large, it's your choice and every day people judge you for that. Some people are naturally larger and that's healthy for them. There is nothing wrong with that, but society says there is and so it's harder for those people to accept themselves, be happy with their bodies, and be accepted by others.
So we split up into two separate groups. Those who classified themselves as large women and those who classified themselves as allies to large women. I was in the latter group.
Our focus was on appreciating our bodies. This was pretty easy for me. There's a lot more that I can appreciate about my body than criticize it for. I love looking in the mirror. I do it before I leave for class in the morning or wherever I go and I think "wow. I look pretty damn good." Then I can walk around with complete confidence all day, because I already know I'm a smart cookie (yeah PMS is beginning. There may be more references to sugary or salty food). What could be more beautiful than a smart, beautiful woman right?
Well unfortunately that scares a lot of men. Again, with the sexism, but the best can appreciate it and like it. Am I confident? Yes. Always? No, but most of the time. Am I conceited? No.
However, I didn't feel like I fit into this group very well. After all, I'm Latina. We have different bodies anyway. Someone told me a story about someone else who had told them about living in a latino neighborhood in New York. She said these Latinas were curvy and some even had bellies, by which I mean non flat stomachs, but they wore clothing that conformed to their curves and carried themselves with the utmost confidence and the men liked this.
I wasn't really surprised by this story, I've seen that myself after living in Hempstead for a year. My ex from Trinidad is a great example of this. His opinion of a beautiful woman is a brown woman, who has curves and who's "thighs touch." That's simplifying it a little and limiting it to brown women is a bit racist on the opposite side of the specrum (directed toward white people), but that's what he told me. I was shocked when I first heard him say this. My reaction went something like this: "wait...what? thigh's touching?" I have never heard a man from this country say anything like that, which is unfortunate. However, I'm sure there are men in this country who would agree with my ex, but in general that's not what this society accepts as beautiful.
I suppose if we lived in a society without opression of any kind we wouldn't even have "types." We could see the attractive qualities in everyone. For example, my "type" is generally tall, brown hair, brown eyes, broad shoulders, square jaw. These are all traits typical in white American society, which I have grown up in.
The reason I don't generally find brown or black men attractive? Well there are 2. First, racism. I've grown up in a white society where racism still exists, not just a little, but a lot. Everyone everywhere carries a racism with them to a certain degree. It's at the point where we realize this that we can change it. Sec0nd reason is because I still have a lot of anger directed toward my birth mother and family, which I associate with latino's in general. I've gotten better with not putting that anger on all latinos though and I've decided to finally learn Spanish.
More to come...
What I'm really referring to is the part of the workshop where we talked about and worked on women's/our bodies. Generally I felt connected to the group, but not so much for this part. We talked about fat oppression, which is something I'd never really heard of in those terms before.
This society is so out of touch with the real meaning of beauty and individuality. Skinny is in. Anorexia and Bulimia are in. Remember when people that skinny could only be found in concentration camps and third world nations? Well I guess it's still true in poverty ridden areas, but it's a mainstream thing now. It's one thing to be naturally skinny. It's another to starve yourself, create an over-exhausting exercise routine and constantly put yourself down because you no longer have a realistic idea of what your body should look like. It should look like you. healthy. For everyone that image is different.
So we split up into two separate groups. Those who classified themselves as large women and those who classified themselves as allies to large women. I was in the latter group.
Our focus was on appreciating our bodies. This was pretty easy for me. There's a lot more that I can appreciate about my body than criticize it for. I love looking in the mirror. I do it before I leave for class in the morning or wherever I go and I think "wow. I look pretty damn good." Then I can walk around with complete confidence all day, because I already know I'm a smart cookie (yeah PMS is beginning. There may be more references to sugary or salty food). What could be more beautiful than a smart, beautiful woman right?
Well unfortunately that scares a lot of men. Again, with the sexism, but the best can appreciate it and like it. Am I confident? Yes. Always? No, but most of the time. Am I conceited? No.
However, I didn't feel like I fit into this group very well. After all, I'm Latina. We have different bodies anyway. Someone told me a story about someone else who had told them about living in a latino neighborhood in New York. She said these Latinas were curvy and some even had bellies, by which I mean non flat stomachs, but they wore clothing that conformed to their curves and carried themselves with the utmost confidence and the men liked this.
I wasn't really surprised by this story, I've seen that myself after living in Hempstead for a year. My ex from Trinidad is a great example of this. His opinion of a beautiful woman is a brown woman, who has curves and who's "thighs touch." That's simplifying it a little and limiting it to brown women is a bit racist on the opposite side of the specrum (directed toward white people), but that's what he told me. I was shocked when I first heard him say this. My reaction went something like this: "wait...what? thigh's touching?" I have never heard a man from this country say anything like that, which is unfortunate. However, I'm sure there are men in this country who would agree with my ex, but in general that's not what this society accepts as beautiful.
I suppose if we lived in a society without opression of any kind we wouldn't even have "types." We could see the attractive qualities in everyone. For example, my "type" is generally tall, brown hair, brown eyes, broad shoulders, square jaw. These are all traits typical in white American society, which I have grown up in.
The reason I don't generally find brown or black men attractive? Well there are 2. First, racism. I've grown up in a white society where racism still exists, not just a little, but a lot. Everyone everywhere carries a racism with them to a certain degree. It's at the point where we realize this that we can change it. Sec0nd reason is because I still have a lot of anger directed toward my birth mother and family, which I associate with latino's in general. I've gotten better with not putting that anger on all latinos though and I've decided to finally learn Spanish.
More to come...
Monday, March 8, 2010
Lets Do It
*Where to begin. I have a lot on my mind. This past weekend was amazing in so many ways. I'm sure I'll go into more detail in another blog entry later.
I've been messaging back and forth with Imani recently. It's been nice. She said, "my opinion is the only one that matters." On this issue, I think she may be right. I've made up my mind, but I've been sounding it out with a couple of close friends to see their reactions. Honestly I don't care what they think because I've made up my mind, but I'd love it if they were supportive. It's a dormant decision, but time won't make me back out.
Yep I said it. Sexist. This absolutely does not mean I hate men. Couldn't be more opposite. There is a difference between "man haters" and women who see the reality of sexism in this culture. I'm not a man hater. I'm more aware now though. I don't want to just point it out and complain. That doesn't do the world any good. We need to change it.
So I've been working on getting rid of the stuff that holds me back in life or makes it harder to live a really full life free from oppression. I've got a lot apparently: born poor catholic, latino, currently middle class, jewish, dad's protestant influences, and of course female. I'll explain more about what this all means later when I'm more awake. Lately I've been getting more in touch with the part of me that was born poor and catholic. It's hard to believe that 12 months (9 in eutero) of that could influence a life, but it can and does. Luckily I have some older catholic adult friends who have been tremendously helpful with this. I'm constantly going "oh! that's why I do this or feel this" or "oh! that's why this person is like this." It's all quite facinating.
(Just gonna warn you if you visit it. Discharge has a totally different meaning! It means emotional release or letting go of. Not dirty at all. An example would be laughing or shivering as an emotional release of embarrassment.)
http://www.rc.org/
*Paintings can be found here
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Sex and The City...Again
I know I've written about this before, but it's really weird when I turn on the tv at 1 AM to find a Sex and the City episode or two in a row that parallel my own life in regard to men or friends.
It's the first episode where Miranda is a mother. The other girls go off shopping and chasing sailors while she has to go home and take care of her baby. Then Carrie visits, but Miranda is so distracted that she doesn't hear half of what Carrie says....
Good to know that I have the ability to be a mother...way way in the future. If anything it has given me a clearer picture of what it's going to be like...way way in the future. Speaking of which, I've come to the decision that adopted kids need the best parents possible otherwise we'll be really fucked up. The parents need to know how to listen really well, who don't offer advice (to their young adult children) unless they ask or it's really needed, who have a lot of time to devote (way more than with other kids), who make sure the children know about their heritage and birth family, who understand that the children are going to have a lot of feelings about being adopted and be able to address them, and other stuff too...
On a separate note, I just watched the Lopez show. The advertisements for it looked ridiculous, so I never really considered watching it. I kind of liked it though. There were some good jokes, some spanish, some latino references. It was very...latino. I liked it. It's the kind of thing I miss about New York.
I'm kind of looking forward to this weekend...finally. All women. All weekend. I feel like my head is pretty clear, but this weekend will clear it even more. I'll come back a freer, more relaxed person. So, while I would rather see Luke this weekend, I think this will probably be a pretty good alternative. Plus I don't have to take care of Luca! Vacation! Woo! I don't have to get up at 8 and walk my dog in the cold before I even get my contacts in or right before I go to bed. This is really exciting. I love him, but I need a break.
Okay sleep time.
Monday, March 1, 2010
What Have We Come To
First of all, I'm tired of all this "I hate Canada" because they won the gold medal in men's hockey. Get the fuck over it...and don't disrespect my cousins.
So I was a little freaked out today to find out that my friend is not only married, but also going to be a father. He's not much older than me. This is really weird. Mostly because I know he preferred me to his girl (she hates me). He's a good friend though. But still this is really scary. Tory, him...who's next? Wait. I don't want to know.
People are getting married young and having kids once again. My parents think it's stupid. I suppose they have a point, but I've come to think it depends on the people.
I guess life never quite turns out the way you expect.
A year ago:
I never expected to end up at USM
I never expected to meet anyone from Alaska :)
I never expected to have a brother
I never expected to be back in touch with my Canadian cousins as much as I am
I never expected Luke
I never expected my parents to allow me to get a puppy
It's good though. All of it even if I complain sometimes...
I had to write an essay on a decision I would change if I could. I wrote about Hofstra, but at the end I said I wouldn't change that, because if I hadn't gone there I probably wouldn't have transferred back to USM and then I would have met so many great people, adopted Luca (he'd probably still be in a foster home), and of course Luke. So despite the painful experience at Hofstra, I wouldn't change it for anything. I only had one regret until I came home and it's looks like I have a chance to fix that now. So no regrets.
So I was a little freaked out today to find out that my friend is not only married, but also going to be a father. He's not much older than me. This is really weird. Mostly because I know he preferred me to his girl (she hates me). He's a good friend though. But still this is really scary. Tory, him...who's next? Wait. I don't want to know.
I guess life never quite turns out the way you expect.
A year ago:
I never expected to end up at USM
I never expected to meet anyone from Alaska :)
I never expected to have a brother
I never expected to be back in touch with my Canadian cousins as much as I am
I never expected Luke
I never expected my parents to allow me to get a puppy
It's good though. All of it even if I complain sometimes...
I had to write an essay on a decision I would change if I could. I wrote about Hofstra, but at the end I said I wouldn't change that, because if I hadn't gone there I probably wouldn't have transferred back to USM and then I would have met so many great people, adopted Luca (he'd probably still be in a foster home), and of course Luke. So despite the painful experience at Hofstra, I wouldn't change it for anything. I only had one regret until I came home and it's looks like I have a chance to fix that now. So no regrets.
So many things are trying to keep me
And so many voices trying to reach me
To tell me that this is not the way
To tell me that this is my mistake
Oh, let the rain keep falling down
Cause it won't stop me
From getting where I'm bound
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe it's too late
But I'm gonna make it
Don't care what the skies say
So oh, let it rain
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