This Time

My feelings are too complicated to word properly.
Honestly, I think some things should remain between the two people involved and that the world does not need to know such things; not family, not friends, no one but us two.

Love is scary sometimes, because it can be gone in one moment and you can be left with nothing but pain and scars. You might be the parents left in the world without your child or a child left by parents before being given the chance to show how lovable and amazing you are or half of a couple who was left because time and space were too much to handle.

I think true love lasts beyond physical death though. Life has consequences: to watch it fade and die. We experience our loved ones flourish and then are forced to watch as time passes and age or unforeseen events take them away from us. Our love for them doesn't die though.

How many years has my grandmother been without her husband, and yet she still loves him. Nothing has faded except his physical existence. The same goes for the love of our parents. The majority of my generation has yet to face that loss, but when we do, our love for them and their significance in our lives won't change.

True love doesn't fade. That doesn't mean relationships don't take work though or that I believe anything is "meant to be."

I've never been more sure of the fact that I'm in love. After so many years, so much time apart, so much pain, so much elation...I'm still here. I still believe in this man 100% and my feelings for him only seem to grow. For the first time ever, I've been able to tell someone I love him, mean it and not felt uncomfortable. I can look him in the eyes and know that he knows that I love him without feel exposed and afraid.

I could perhaps say more if it weren't 2:45 AM and I hadn't exhausted my emotions for the night.

I feel like the luckiest woman, but I know he's just as lucky to have my love and affection.

I'll leave you with a quote from "All In," a song from Lifehouse's latest album.

"There's no taking back
what we've got's too strong,
we've had each others back for too long
There's no breaking up this time
And you know it's okay, I came to my senses
Letting go of my defenses
There's no way I'm giving up this time."

Crazy Brain

That's what I had freshman year of high school.

What I thought happened:
Dated Depressed Artist from May of 8th grade until early September of Freshman year. Went on an outdoor camping trip with my class. Met Indie Boy. Tried not to flirt on the 3 day drip, seeing as I had a boyfriend. Couldn't resist cuddling on the last night (I pretended to be cold and Indie Boy gave me his jacket and held me). We sat together on the bus ride back and I slept on his lap. People talked, but I didn't care. I tried to rationalize it as non-flirting.
First day of high school Depressed Artist broke up with me because we didn't communicate enough. I was devastated. Second day of high school I saw him in the hall, turned and ran while crying. I had good friends who tried to cheer me up. I'll call them Quirky, Fierce and Musician.

Depressed Artist a month before I broke up with him

Indie boy walked me to class one day and said "I'm sorry but, he was stupid to leave you. I think you're a really great girl. If I were that lucky, I wouldn't let you go" (roughly what he said). I was taken by surprise, but it made me feel better. Later that day or the next he asked me to meet him after school in the student center. He asked me out. I was surprised. I told him I had to think about it for a couple of days.
He pressed me a day or 2 later. I said I needed a little more time. Later that night I called him. We'd been talking on the phone in the evenings. He made me feel better. Next day I said I would go out with him. It lasted a week. I tried to convince him to go to the dance with me. It took me awhile to do so, but finally he said he would.

Then Depressed Artist IMed me and the conversation boiled down to him wanting to be with me again. I told him how much I missed him and that I had to break up with Indie Boy first. Night before the dance I talked with Indie Boy. I told him that Depressed Artist wanted me back and that I really loved Depressed Artist, so it wouldn't be fair to Indie Boy if I stayed with him even though I thought he was great.Photo remnant of Indie Boy and Fierce at a dance...after I got angry

Less than a month later Indie Boy is dating my friend Fierce. I believe I am in love with Depressed Artist, but I really don't like that my friend is dating Indie Boy. I think she asked if it was okay, but they were already so into each other, that I didn't feel like I could say no. I felt guilty for what I did to Indie Boy too. Shortly thereafter Fierce and I stopped being friends. I didn't like her anymore and neither did most of our mutual friends (for other reasons).

What really happened:
Everything is true until the break up.
Night before the dance I talked with Indie Boy. He could tell something was wrong. I didn't want to tell him over the phone. The next day I found him in the student center with a mutual friend, Kung Fu Joker. I said, "Hey Kung Fu Joker, could you leave so I can break up with Indie Boy." I have no memory of this event, but both Kung Fu Joker and Indie Boy attest to it. I must have blocked it out. This was either the day of or the day before the dance.
The other false part:
Fierce and I continued to be friends through freshman year. I did have those feelings about her dating Indie Boy. I had the same feelings when my other friend Ballerina dated him etc etc...but I was still friends with them and hid it. What ended our friendship was my other friend, Maniacal's feud with Fierce. I didn't know where to stand, so I stuck with Maniacal. Fierce's decision to date Indie Boy just made it easier to choose a side.

______________

If nothing else you get an amusing story out of this. What do I get out of it?
How could I not remember how it really happened? I got over the guilt of how I broke up with Indie Boy about a year ago after I talked to him and apologized for it. I just can't believe I thought I ended a friendship way earlier than I did. I've been living all these years thinking that we're no more that classmates these days because of that. What's done is done though. She goes to school so far away now, we'd barely keep in touch anyway if I patched things up. It's not like we're on bad terms. Even Indie Boy doubts his logic for dating her in hindsight.

So what's the point? The point is that I just spent an hour going through my old LJ entries as well as a couple of Indie Boy's, just to figure out why and when Fierce and I drifted apart. I came to the conclusion that I was insane freshman year and even more depressed that I realized. It's all so odd in hindsight.

Conclusion: My feelings for Indie Boy have only grown since then and I was crazy way back when. I wonder if I'll think I was crazy when I was 21 in 6 years times. I hope not as much as I do now for when I was 15. I also hope Indie Boy is not currently what I thought Depressed Artist was back then. I'm pretty positive what I have now is real.

On another note. I found a note that I wrote when I was 15 having to do with another guy. I'll call him Manwhore. I wasn't referring to him specifically. However as a more general statement I said I probably wouldn't start thinking about marriage for 7 or 8 years. Do the math. That's 22 or 23. Wooow. What was I thinking?

I have a crazy brain. It used to be crazy in a not so good way. I'm so glad people from back then are still my friends and that my current crazy brain doesn't scare off too many people. I think we're all a little crazy.

Thanksgiving

It would appear that 'Thanksgiving' is one of the few titles I haven't used for my blog yet. Fancy that.

I suppose I have a lot to be thankful for. I know sometimes I tend to focus on what I don't have or what's going wrong. I'm sure you do to. I always try to keep in mind what I do have though.

I have a constant reminder glued to my side: Luca. He's a furry, little (by little I mean large) beast who drives me crazy sometimes, but I love him nonetheless. He's always there to distract or sooth me when I need it. It's so hard to believe I've had him for almost a year. Best therapy ever? I'm so thankful.

Speaking of little beasts who aren't little, I have to say I'm thankful for the human with a similar name...who drives me crazy sometimes, but whom I adore nonetheless. I'm thankful, because he makes me happy in a way no one else can, because I trust him completely (which rarely happens, with men especially), because he's seen me cry and held me...more than once, because he's been the focus of my anger way more than once and remained patient, because he's seen me without make up in the harsh light of morning and he still likes me. I'm thankful that he finally said what I needed to hear. He's the one person who knows exactly what I'm going through with nana. I'm so thankful when he inquires about her or how I am. If he reads this, he'll know this is for him: I'm thankful for you.

Of course I'm thankful for family. This year has been exceptional in terms of extended family. My cousins are great and one in particular is on my list of favorite people ever (also on the short list of men I trust completely). He's funny, exceedingly caring, and smart, so what's not to be thankful for eh? There's a lot more I could list, but I'm pretty sure I've done so in a previous post (or 2 maybe ha). I'm thankful for him, because I know he's got my back even from half way across the country...and part way into another country.

I'm thankful for my parents even though they really drive me crazy often. They brought me up to be the woman I am today. I'm proud of who I am and I know they are too (even though I keep switching majors and schools). I'm thankful that I can tell them anything and that they haven't tossed me onto the street for my love of coffee and fashion. Despite my mistakes, they love me and despite theirs (which I enjoy complaining about ha), I love them. Recently I had a 'wow-my-parents-are-kind-of-really-great-and-I-love-them' moment. - My mom went off about how not making sure the lint was cleared out of the dryer was a fire hazard. For once, it didn't annoy me. I just stood back calmly and smiled, because in the grand scheme of things, lint fire hazards mean nothing, but it's typical of my mom to worry about such things. When it's not annoying, it's sometimes adorable. So then my dad started making jokes about it because he also realized it was a little absurd to go off on such a tangent, but he wasn't mean about it even though she was blaming him. In response, she took a small, empty cardboard box and hit him on the head with it. Not seriously, but in a 'you-think-you're-so-funny-making-fun-of me-huh?' way. Then a second time for good measure. -

I'm thankful for nana. She helped raise me, taught me how to cook delicious food, taught me how to multiply, exposed me to good television such as I Love Lucy, I Dream of Genie, and Happy Days etc. I will save the rest later, because I know there will be a time when I will write a longer blog entry about her and I would rather not repeat myself.

My sister is also on the list of family. I'm thankful that she didn't give up on me even though I was completely selfish and nasty to her when we were children. I'm sure as we grow older, we will become closer.

I'm always thankful for my friends especially those who have been there for me recently with the Luke/Brent/Nana stuff. Especially Hallie who spent an entire day with nana and me in the ER. I'm thankful for my brothers. They're kind of the light of my life (or a few lights of my life?). I'm so proud of them. Beans for doing well in school and maintaining a healthy relationship with someone who seems like a great girl. Jared for being Jared and for being honest with his girl. They're both great examples of how good men of our generation should be. It's also nice to know that while we may live far apart and change some, when we get together, we are still 3 crazy idiots who do the Can Can and skip down a street in the middle of Portland.

As for everyone else who has come and gone in my life, I'm thankful for them too. Everyone teaches us something. While I hate to admit it, because I'm still hurt by what he said, there is one man who was in my life for about a month who I must be thankful for also. He is not responsible for me being happy and finding myself again, but he did show me that I didn't have to settle for last place in a man's life (as I had for about a year) and how good it could be. I must also be thankful for the words that hurt me, because it was a reality that I needed to face, but no one had ever said the words: emotionally distant. I'm thankful, because ultimately he brought me back to the man I love; the one man with whom I have no problem showing how I feel and definitely can talk to about my feelings.

I Am Not A Robot, Really!

I just started writing a blog entry, but I thought it was a little too personal, so here is the alternate version.

• I feel Brent misjudged me and I'm angry about it.
• I feel guilty and nothing anyone says can change that, only I can make up for it.
• I'm back on the Luke train and nothing anyone says can change that, but if I start to sink I give everyone permission to yell at me about it or hit me with a frying pan.
• I won't sink again, because I've seen the light and I want that happiness I experienced before to happen with Luke. If it doesn't, then I won't stick around to drown again

I know I tend to be overly optimistic sometimes. I wouldn't have it any other way though. I wouldn't be where I am now without my optimism and hopes for the future.

So once again I put my faith in Luke, the one man I trust completely. He's made some mistakes and so have I. That's how you learn. We both own up to them. He's seen my neurotic, insecure side and...well he's still here. He's been the direct target of my anger, but he's still here.He's seen me cry more than once, and he's still here. He's the only man I let my guard down with almost completely.
By here I mean, he hasn't given up and said, "I've had enough of you, good bye" or "you're too emotionally distant, good bye" or just "good bye."

I'm not perfect. I'm cold and somewhat distant until I believe you really won't leave or hurt me, but I do warm up and I am an amazing woman.