Crazy Brain

That's what I had freshman year of high school.

What I thought happened:
Dated Depressed Artist from May of 8th grade until early September of Freshman year. Went on an outdoor camping trip with my class. Met Indie Boy. Tried not to flirt on the 3 day drip, seeing as I had a boyfriend. Couldn't resist cuddling on the last night (I pretended to be cold and Indie Boy gave me his jacket and held me). We sat together on the bus ride back and I slept on his lap. People talked, but I didn't care. I tried to rationalize it as non-flirting.
First day of high school Depressed Artist broke up with me because we didn't communicate enough. I was devastated. Second day of high school I saw him in the hall, turned and ran while crying. I had good friends who tried to cheer me up. I'll call them Quirky, Fierce and Musician.

Depressed Artist a month before I broke up with him

Indie boy walked me to class one day and said "I'm sorry but, he was stupid to leave you. I think you're a really great girl. If I were that lucky, I wouldn't let you go" (roughly what he said). I was taken by surprise, but it made me feel better. Later that day or the next he asked me to meet him after school in the student center. He asked me out. I was surprised. I told him I had to think about it for a couple of days.
He pressed me a day or 2 later. I said I needed a little more time. Later that night I called him. We'd been talking on the phone in the evenings. He made me feel better. Next day I said I would go out with him. It lasted a week. I tried to convince him to go to the dance with me. It took me awhile to do so, but finally he said he would.

Then Depressed Artist IMed me and the conversation boiled down to him wanting to be with me again. I told him how much I missed him and that I had to break up with Indie Boy first. Night before the dance I talked with Indie Boy. I told him that Depressed Artist wanted me back and that I really loved Depressed Artist, so it wouldn't be fair to Indie Boy if I stayed with him even though I thought he was great.Photo remnant of Indie Boy and Fierce at a dance...after I got angry

Less than a month later Indie Boy is dating my friend Fierce. I believe I am in love with Depressed Artist, but I really don't like that my friend is dating Indie Boy. I think she asked if it was okay, but they were already so into each other, that I didn't feel like I could say no. I felt guilty for what I did to Indie Boy too. Shortly thereafter Fierce and I stopped being friends. I didn't like her anymore and neither did most of our mutual friends (for other reasons).

What really happened:
Everything is true until the break up.
Night before the dance I talked with Indie Boy. He could tell something was wrong. I didn't want to tell him over the phone. The next day I found him in the student center with a mutual friend, Kung Fu Joker. I said, "Hey Kung Fu Joker, could you leave so I can break up with Indie Boy." I have no memory of this event, but both Kung Fu Joker and Indie Boy attest to it. I must have blocked it out. This was either the day of or the day before the dance.
The other false part:
Fierce and I continued to be friends through freshman year. I did have those feelings about her dating Indie Boy. I had the same feelings when my other friend Ballerina dated him etc etc...but I was still friends with them and hid it. What ended our friendship was my other friend, Maniacal's feud with Fierce. I didn't know where to stand, so I stuck with Maniacal. Fierce's decision to date Indie Boy just made it easier to choose a side.

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If nothing else you get an amusing story out of this. What do I get out of it?
How could I not remember how it really happened? I got over the guilt of how I broke up with Indie Boy about a year ago after I talked to him and apologized for it. I just can't believe I thought I ended a friendship way earlier than I did. I've been living all these years thinking that we're no more that classmates these days because of that. What's done is done though. She goes to school so far away now, we'd barely keep in touch anyway if I patched things up. It's not like we're on bad terms. Even Indie Boy doubts his logic for dating her in hindsight.

So what's the point? The point is that I just spent an hour going through my old LJ entries as well as a couple of Indie Boy's, just to figure out why and when Fierce and I drifted apart. I came to the conclusion that I was insane freshman year and even more depressed that I realized. It's all so odd in hindsight.

Conclusion: My feelings for Indie Boy have only grown since then and I was crazy way back when. I wonder if I'll think I was crazy when I was 21 in 6 years times. I hope not as much as I do now for when I was 15. I also hope Indie Boy is not currently what I thought Depressed Artist was back then. I'm pretty positive what I have now is real.

On another note. I found a note that I wrote when I was 15 having to do with another guy. I'll call him Manwhore. I wasn't referring to him specifically. However as a more general statement I said I probably wouldn't start thinking about marriage for 7 or 8 years. Do the math. That's 22 or 23. Wooow. What was I thinking?

I have a crazy brain. It used to be crazy in a not so good way. I'm so glad people from back then are still my friends and that my current crazy brain doesn't scare off too many people. I think we're all a little crazy.