Blah

Hormones are a bitch. They make everything...more...more.

They make bad feelings worse and good feelings better.

Good feelings are in short supply.

I had a good weekend aside from the cigarette. That wasn't a good choice. It was spiteful and stupid, but whatever.

My brain is scrambled right now. I have random thoughts and incredibly complicated nonsensical thoughts and I can't tell what is real and what is hormones. Stupid hormones...

So on another note, I've noticed at random times a homesick feeling. I'm not homesick for Maine, because I'm here. It's Toronto.

My bad day started with a dream I had:

I was in a large building and the sea level was rising. I was working with people to fix a shield against it. Water kept coming in and I had to run to a higher floor. I ran into someone, but I was still busy trying to fix the shield. I can't remember what happened after that, but we were safe in a private room. We were lounging on the bed watching tv and he proposed. My elation didn't last long before I woke up. I guess my brain knew it wasn't real.

The reality of the situation is difficult enough. I don't need it seeping into my sleeping hours as well. Maybe that's why I can't get to sleep early enough anymore. I stay awake until I'm too exhausted to think and then I can fall right asleep without a problem.

The only upside is that I have made it this far without chocolate. I might feel better if I had it though...

Cruel Irony

Tonight I watched The Emporer's New Groove. I've been wanting to see that for awhile. I can't remember what triggered the urge, but I think it had to do with Katya (like Vano said on OE in his sleep "I dunno...something to do with Katya") Oh good times.

Anyway, now I'm watching Tarzan. I haven't seen it in a long time. I liked it, but it used to make me sad and I didn't know why. Now it's quite obvious why, but it doesn't really make me sad anymore. Also I just realized that it was Matthew Broderick playing Simba. That's kind of weird.

I've been struggling with a couple things since returning from Toronto. I really do want to live there eventually, but I guess if I make some personal changes, Maine is still a good place.

I had dinner with Beans on Wednesday. He said the one thing I knew was true, but have been so unwilling to say. Being reassured that it was okay makes me feel a little better, but not enough to say my biggest reason for staying in Maine. It's probably pretty obvious, but once you say something, you can't take it back.

Sorry to sounds so cryptic when I'm usually so...blunt.

More detail in my private blog for my good friends who want to know.

Last but not least, I named this entry Cruel Irony, because Luke's friend is in my bio class and that friend's girlfriend is in my other bio class. I can never escape him. That's the cruel irony. It's kind of funny though.

Say Yes To The Dress

Say Yes To The Dress is a new show I discovered on netflix. I'm in love with it. I really need to apply for that job at David's Bridal.

I was trying to figure out who I would take to a consultation (very far into the future of course). I don't like the idea of having many people with me, especially those who aren't For sure, my mom. Probably my soon-to-be mother-in-law (depending on my relationship with her). Also I was thinking one of my maids of honor (I want 2) aka Katya, since she has good taste in clothing and knows my taste as well. Then last but not least...well I'll leave that one a mystery, so he doesn't see it coming.

Now, back to the present...

La Famille

So maybe being back in Maine isn't so bad, but then again, I haven't even begun to deal with the Luke issue yet. That's what usually brings me down.

More importantly, I've come to the realization that something is missing from my life. That fire that I always used to have and flickers from time to time these days...well what lit my fire? What made me passionate? What will make me passionate about anything again?

I'm trying to figure out what made me that happy, fiery, witty person in Toronto. I was never really sad there at all. Whatever weighs on me here, didn't there. I was Happy (with a capital H). Here I've been happier than I was at Hofstra for sure, but I'm still sad almost every day. Not all the time; not even half the time, but enough to make a noticeable difference in the quality of my life.

That's part of the reason I have decided to start dancing again. In high school, if I was dancing nothing to get me down. I'm hoping it will be the same now. I think it probably will be.

I think another thing that would improve my happiness is a better connection with Jews at home. Of course they won't be the same as my own Jewish family, but I've found that I could barely know a Jewish person and feel way more connected to them than other people who I might even know better.

The other thing I need is a better Latino community. I love all of the friends I have, but it's not enough to have a ton of white friends who don't encounter the racism that I do on a daily basis. I need that support system. I'm in the process of making that happen.

As for men, I'm putting them on the back burner for now. This does not include the current love though. For sure, he's not on the front burner though. That's a function of difficulties in my family, the fact that I'm not high on his list of priorities either and because doing all of the work to making anything happen with him has been burning me out. I'm one of the best resources he or anyone could ask for, but if he or anyone else doesn't take me up, then that's unfortunate for them.

I'm pretty excited for this semester of school. I haven't been excited for college since before I started my first semester of freshman year. This is a big deal. School is no longer burning me out. However, I'm not 100% about sport psychology. Most of the time I'm 95% sure, but sometimes thinking about graduate school is exhausting and I wonder if I really want to spend that much time in school. I know that when I'm doing something involving sport psychology or hockey, I'm excited about it, so hopefully that will last.

I mean what else could I do at this point? Yes, I'm taking marine bio to make sure that I don't really want to become a marine biologist...and that is the course I'm most excited about, but I think I'll probably stick with sport psychology.

My main motivation for classes this year, is to make sure I do well enough to make sure I can go abroad for sure next year. The only deal breaker is Luca. If I can't take him, I won't go. I can't leave him with someone else for that long. Even 5 days is too long. Going abroad with him is a possibility, because I wouldn't go to Europe, I would go to Canada.

Last two thoughts on my list (for now anyway) are:
1. I think I am going to try and find the other adopted sister. I think there is only 1 other?
2. I keep saying 'eh' and 'washroom.' Apparently 'for sure' is a Canadian phrase, but I've always said it, so I don't know what that means.

Cousins

I've been thinking about the difference between my Canadian cousins and Southern cousins.

I feel somewhat guilty about the fact that I feel no need or desire to see my Southern cousins. I know my father and his mother wish I would try to reconnect with them, because they're "the only other family" they have. When have I ever done something I don't want to do though? It happens more than people who know me very well would think, but still...

My southern cousins have grown into nice people I'm sure. I don't approve of one of them getting married so early, but that's not my concern. We never had much in common. Krista and I bonded over barbies, and clearly, neither of us are in that stage anymore. She's in a southern state of mind. I'm in a Rosalba state of mind. Marcus always kept to himself.

Then you have the Jewish/European/Canadian side of the family. What can I say?
<3 <3 <3 <3

I took to one of my cousins from the very first moment I can remember. It was a birthday party for my great uncle. The whole family came together: parents, grand parents, great uncle, cousins, aunts and uncles. My mom pointed them out, "that's Jon and Sarah." Sarah wore a dress and they ran around the restaurant/inn. I was shy though and about 10 years younger, so I clung to my mom. My first impression of Jon was 'nice.' I was too young to analyze people in any complexity, but I remember a general 'he's cool and nice' feeling. From then on he was my favorite cousins. I like his sister a lot too though. They're both great.

I didn't get to see them often, but they all came for my Bat Mitzvah. I took to a third cousin then more than Jon. Now that I think about it, I think it's because he was more outgoing than Jon with me and I took that as he liked me more than Jon did. That probably wasn't true at all and it changed again last year when I was in Toronto.

Anyhoo, I'm too tired to go into much depth and as I've said many times before, some things aren't meant for the public. I had a good long talk with Jon this evening about everything. I guess he and I have both been shy until now. Now that I think about it, I tell people different parts of who I am and what I've experienced, but who really knows it all except my parents and now Jon? Maybe there are things that only family should know? Where is the line between very close friends and family though? Maybe they make up more than one family?

Too much to think about. The conversation about Halifax over dinner was upsetting for me, because it reminded me of Luke. Post Halifax made for a good last evening/night in Toronto.

Good night, Toronto.

Canada

I've been thinking quite a bit since yesterday about moving to Toronto. It seems to me that this is the first place I've been besides Maine, where I feel completely happy with the people and comfortable in the environment. It's a large city, but I like the culture. There's a large Jewish community, lots of music and arts, french speaking people...I feel like I'm home.

I'm trying to figure out whether some of it isn't that I'm far away from my problems with men, but I think that's only a small portion of it. I adore my family. It's great being together even when we're all bickering. After all that's what Jews do; that's how we show our love. Jon and his mom are like me and my mom. I sit back and grin sometimes while listening to them bicker and pick at each other.

Today Don said "Do we all have to go up to get the tickets?" All 5 of us went up together...or more precisely Jon, Fran, my mom and I rushed up to the kiosk right before Don made that comment. I responded "Of course! We're a Jewish family. We have to do it all together." The part I didn't say was partly because we are making sure the person in charge is doing it right (a little Jewish joke). We all have to have our input and the younger generation (Jon and me in this instance) are making sure the older generation is getting it done correctly and as promptly as possible.

I consider Jon and I to be of the same generation, because he and I are very similar in many respects and I've grown up with older people. I get along with people who are at least 5 years older than me much better that those my own age. They're generally more decisive, know more about who they are and what they want. So yes, I adore my cousins Jon and Sara.

A Jewish family is a good thing to have.

I like Toronto. There are plenty of opportunities for a sport psychologist or athletic trainer in Toronto and Canada in general. Who knows. I have to get through my undergraduate degree first. I'm also not sure how far I can live from my parents without feeling home sick. Then I have to think eventually about keeping the Cabin in Maine, because I don't plan to ever give that up and having kids, which I'm not sure I want to raise in the US. That's further into the future though.

Time to sleep, so I can be lively tomorrow for more shopping and bickering with my family. I love that my cousin Jon likes to shop as much as I do. It's funny.

Toronto Again

It feels like Deja Vu.

Last year I didn't want to leave. This year I don't want to leave. Last year I considered going to school in Canada/Toronto. Then I forgot. This year I wondered how I could forget.

It's a little too complicated to go into everything now, but I'll get around to it.

I need to find something to light my fire again...

It's easy to forget Luke until someone says something that reminds me of him.