La Famille

So maybe being back in Maine isn't so bad, but then again, I haven't even begun to deal with the Luke issue yet. That's what usually brings me down.

More importantly, I've come to the realization that something is missing from my life. That fire that I always used to have and flickers from time to time these days...well what lit my fire? What made me passionate? What will make me passionate about anything again?

I'm trying to figure out what made me that happy, fiery, witty person in Toronto. I was never really sad there at all. Whatever weighs on me here, didn't there. I was Happy (with a capital H). Here I've been happier than I was at Hofstra for sure, but I'm still sad almost every day. Not all the time; not even half the time, but enough to make a noticeable difference in the quality of my life.

That's part of the reason I have decided to start dancing again. In high school, if I was dancing nothing to get me down. I'm hoping it will be the same now. I think it probably will be.

I think another thing that would improve my happiness is a better connection with Jews at home. Of course they won't be the same as my own Jewish family, but I've found that I could barely know a Jewish person and feel way more connected to them than other people who I might even know better.

The other thing I need is a better Latino community. I love all of the friends I have, but it's not enough to have a ton of white friends who don't encounter the racism that I do on a daily basis. I need that support system. I'm in the process of making that happen.

As for men, I'm putting them on the back burner for now. This does not include the current love though. For sure, he's not on the front burner though. That's a function of difficulties in my family, the fact that I'm not high on his list of priorities either and because doing all of the work to making anything happen with him has been burning me out. I'm one of the best resources he or anyone could ask for, but if he or anyone else doesn't take me up, then that's unfortunate for them.

I'm pretty excited for this semester of school. I haven't been excited for college since before I started my first semester of freshman year. This is a big deal. School is no longer burning me out. However, I'm not 100% about sport psychology. Most of the time I'm 95% sure, but sometimes thinking about graduate school is exhausting and I wonder if I really want to spend that much time in school. I know that when I'm doing something involving sport psychology or hockey, I'm excited about it, so hopefully that will last.

I mean what else could I do at this point? Yes, I'm taking marine bio to make sure that I don't really want to become a marine biologist...and that is the course I'm most excited about, but I think I'll probably stick with sport psychology.

My main motivation for classes this year, is to make sure I do well enough to make sure I can go abroad for sure next year. The only deal breaker is Luca. If I can't take him, I won't go. I can't leave him with someone else for that long. Even 5 days is too long. Going abroad with him is a possibility, because I wouldn't go to Europe, I would go to Canada.

Last two thoughts on my list (for now anyway) are:
1. I think I am going to try and find the other adopted sister. I think there is only 1 other?
2. I keep saying 'eh' and 'washroom.' Apparently 'for sure' is a Canadian phrase, but I've always said it, so I don't know what that means.