Toasty

Toasty is an understatement. It's near 100 in Northampton. I'm not complaining though. It feels kind of like May in Tennessee.

Today has been good, but stressful. I think I've been psyching myself out by thinking that I have to send 7 years in once place. It's like 7 days from The Ring except it's a lot longer and a lot scarier (fye The Ring isn't scary).

Later Update: I feel like a horrible friend and guest. I spent most of the day silent. I am incredibly overwhelmed by the decision...s? I suppose my terrible mood started this morning when I took Will's helpfulness for trying to get me out of the apartment. I didn't know what to think, but the first thing that came to mind is 'No one wants me (except maybe my rents).' Now I'm beginning to realize that part of it...maybe most of it is me.

I have this plastic bubble around me that I keep most people away with. Pretty much everyone actually. I let Luke in the most I think, but even that isn't constant and he doesn't help by constantly disappearing. It's not exactly his fault, but it still feels horrible. All that terror has come up as a result of staying with Will. It's not a bad thing. Certainly I need to get rid of it and that barrier. I'm silent because I'm so terrified of letting him or anyone in. It makes me physically shake. I know he thinks it's awkward because of the silence and he said he would listen and I want to tell him all about it, but I open my mouth and "Don't worry about it. It's just kind of stressful. Not a big deal" and a cheap smile come out.

As soon as he gets back from dropping off books, I'm going to bitch slap the silence and terror and really talk to him. Anyone who wants to be my friend needs to understand why I keep my distance and stay so silent sometimes.

On another note, I'm afraid that I'm slightly like my mother in the fact that I need to be doing something constantly. I think that is more a result of feeling awkward and silent and wanting distraction to make it easier and avoid what's really going on.

I need to breathe and talk and know that everything will be okay eventually.