Twists and Turns

Books should have twists and turns, not my love life. Yet it is. I could probably sell it and make it into a tv show for money, but I won't.

Today was interesting. Well just the evening part.

After visiting Nana I decided that since Luke hadn't responded I would run over to his house. It seems that the best way to reach him is to surprise him at home. They say you should never surprise a man at home, because he might be with another woman. Well if he were, then I'd want to know. I have no qualms about walking into his house and looking for him.

Today I found...his mother. I almost snuck out of the room undetected, but she saw me, so I ended up sitting and talking to her for half an hour. I enjoyed it and learned a lot. It also made me really sad and feel like a jerk (kind of). Since it's so personal, I have no desire to talk about the subjects in a public place or with anyone other than his mother and him. Some things are private.

I will say I got a more in depth look at another side of him that he doesn't necessarily show me or other people. I also saw how much his mother loves him and how similar they are. It was interesting how many mannerisms were the same and how they had similar outlooks on some things. I always find that interesting in other people, because I do not have my own biological parents to compare myself to.

Listening has always been my strong point and it seemed like she had a lot on her mind. I was more than happy to listen for her benefit, for Luke's and for my own. I love this man more than ever now. It almost doesn't seem possible.

I used to think that I was useless to him. I try so hard to be there for him; to make him see that I'm there and he should feel able to rely on me. He never does though. It hurts me when he chooses something else or a bro, but I try to remind myself it's not about me. I'll try even harder to remember that now. Tonight I figured out that even the offer to be there for him is better than nothing; the constant reminder that I'm here has to mean something to him.

I cried all the way home, but not for myself this time. I cried because of how unfair life can be. I cried because sometimes the most amazing people get the shittiest end of things. I cried because I don't want to lose Luke. I cried because I don't want to lose my grandmother or my parents.

I sat in the driveway for a full minute and cried. Then I heard a car door, looked up and realized my neighbor had pulled up beside me. Awkward. I hope not to see him for quite a while. Part of me is mortified, but part of me thinks it's funny as hell.

I'm hoping that Thursday Luke and I will finally be able to hang out for more than 5 minutes. I'm praying that nothing will get in the way for either one of us and as always I'm praying for him. I probably don't seem like the praying sort, but I am in my own quiet way.

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On a separate note, I had a good evening with Hallie at Sebago and watching Sex and the City (tv show). I got her addicted. It still amazes me how much the show relates to my life.

Now off to bed, if I can get that worn out look on Luke's face out of my head. It makes me sad. I would do anything to see him smile more.