Outta Bed

It has been a week since I last posted. I think maybe I have been trying to run from something or some things.

I just had a thought about the man who lives far away. It was 'maybe the reflection he shows me of myself is the good human being that I really am.' It's one thing to know who you are and it's another to see what someone else thinks of you without your own issues getting in the way. It's a scary reality to face. It's more difficult to face something so good and pure than something kind of shitty.

He sent me a message in response to the letter I left and I haven't responded to it yet. I've been avoiding it. I put myself out there on the table and now he knows...quite a bit. It feels like part of me is keeping a vice like grip over my mouth warning me not to take another step in that direction, because it could end up...my first thought was, just like Luke.

I don't think that's actually possible, because he doesn't have the same fear that Luke has, but if I let him in, he could end up hurting me just as much. I don't have the capacity to take that from 2 men.

Speaking of which, not knowing whether and when Luke is really moving to DC has been driving me insane. I've been trying so hard not to think about it, but it's almost impossible and PMS on top of that has been hell. I didn't even want to get out of bed yesterday.

I've been filling up my fall schedule as much as possible without going insane from doing too much. If he leaves, I will basically be like a baby who can't be left alone. I will need to do something all the time, so I don't get stuck in that 'I'm going to lie in bed and feel like dying' feeling. I will also probably need to cry a lot and throw things.

Honestly, I have no idea what will happen yet though. I have spent the past week with my female friends only. I got a phone call from my bro yesterday, which made my day. For the most part it's been really helpful.

Now I'm going off to Toronto on Thursday. Half of me wants to get away so badly (to Toronto). I'd be lying if I said it wasn't partly an escape. The other half of me realizes that most of my friends will be having their last few days in Maine while I'm in Toronto, so I'll be missing out on that. Last time I went to Toronto last year, I was also escaping from Luke stuff. I did not want a single text from him that whole time. Then half way through he sent me a text and I freaked out and had to call Iszy. I have a feeling that won't happen this year and I kind of wish it would.

Men always ask 'what do you want' or 'what do you want from me.' What do I want? I want you to fucking tell me how you feel and not to move far away and to spend the rest of your life with me. That's what I want.

I have very little fear about saying what I want from him, because I've basically laid it all on the table. My anxiety is over him leaving and finding someone else right after me. That's what happened last time. I keep having mini anxiety attacks and have to make myself breathe.

So...I guess I should get out of bed now...