Northampton

My trip to Northampton was difficult. My trip to Northampton was great. I don't want to leave.

I've had to face some issues that I don't have to at "home." Those issues being my own commitment and fear of intimacy. Sound like anyone else we know? Yeah him. That's why I haven't really had to face it at home.

It's different when some really cares about you and asks if you want to talk kind of frequently because they can tell something is upsetting you. Holy mother, freaked me out. I tried really hard, but didn't succeed until last night. I feel like I kind of fucked this trip up. I was very quiet yesterday all day. Then I pretended I didn't care if he went out with another girl. I didn't know what kind of thing it was, so I tried not to judge. Leaving in the middle of the night crossed my mind, but I didn't. Running away never solves anything. Well I suppose sometimes it does.

We hung out when he returned and watched x files. Horror movies/tv shows etc make him nervous, so he doesn't watch them. He loves the X Files though, but doesn't like to watch it by himself. Then he went to bed. That's about the time I decided it was now or never. So we talked in the dark for a bit. It's easier for me to open up at night especially in the dark at first. I guess it's a good start. I could have done better if I hadn't gotten scared.

It's really scary to face this stuff. All of my insecurities are in my face and okay there aren't a whole lot, but what's there is very difficult to deal with. I was thinking yesterday in the car that my parents encouraged me to feel strong and independent. Somehow I avoided a lot of the typical girl insecurities like feeling fat, unattractive, weak etc etc. They didn't prepare me for some of securities men feel though and I seem to have latched onto those. It's also the result of my adoption stuff, but they run along the same line. For example: Needing to be really tough, building a wall and finding it very difficult to be completely myself when someone cares.

Before he left today for his job, he asked if I was going to be around tonight. I was caught off guard and said probably not. I originally hoped to stay until Wednesday morning, but I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to overstay my welcome. Then he said he hopes I move here.

I do too.

On a side note, I'm getting the feeling through facebook that Luke might be moving to DC. There are some weird parallels on behalf of Will and my love lives. I'm a little in shock at the moment, but I have to drive to Springfield in an hour, so I really can't afford to fall apart until after that/until I get the facts.