Lets See

I've been thinking about my academic future and my future career a lot lately. Believe me, I've had plenty of reason to do so.

Thus far the graduate schools I'm looking at are all in Massachusetts (Boston, Springfield, Amherst, Worcester). I will do whatever it takes to get into those schools.

I've been kind of scared about my progress. Transferring was a mess and then I had my huge mental break down about what I really wanted to do with my life that came at a great cost to my academic progress. First I had to overcome the depression that took hold while at Hofstra. I came to USM still discouraged about that. I was worn out after my first year.

USM was much better though. I liked the people, both students and professors. That sneaky idea that Waynflete planted in my head that 'a local public college isn't good enough quickly dissipated for the most part. No one ever said it outright, but it was in the air, because everyone applied to it as a last choice safety school and the teachers never carried on about it the way they would about Bates or Bowdoin. They did stress the importance of choosing the right school for the individual though.

That's why I'm at USM. To this day I still get crap mostly in the form of passive aggressive jokes from friends about USM and it's embarrassing, but I like the school, so I ignore it or confront the people. I have no doubt that I'm incredibly smart, so that is not an issue. Filling my potential is scary though. I constantly have to beat back the recording that a baby from a 3rd world country can't successfully take on the challenge of becoming a psychologist, more specifically one of the few who works with elete athletes, which is a male dominated area. I believe I can do it, but the part of me that was hurt a long time ago has doubts sometimes. When I let those doubts seep it, that's when I screw up. I freeze and don't do anything.

This past semester I slowed down in order to deal with those fears. Oddly enough, I think getting Luca has been the most helpful therapy for me. He keeps me present and relaxed. He's a constant reminder that I am successfully raising and supporting a live being. It's a challenge. You can't get an F in that. You can't fail a living being. If I can do that, then I can do pretty much anything.

My parents raised me on that: I can do anything if I set my mind to it and work hard. Other phrases: I'm brilliant, I'm beautiful, I'm compassionate etc. etc.

And I believe it.

So what am I really questioning now? What to do with the rest of my undergraduate education. I've decided that I will give it another year and depending on how that goes I will have 3 possibilities.
If I'm satisfied with my GPA (and believe me, I have very high expectations for myself) then:
1. I will finish on time at USM with a Psychology Major and Creative Writing Minor
If my GPA is not quite where I want it to be, but still at a good place then:
2. I will take another year to graduate with Majors in Psychology and Athletic Training and a minor in Creative Writing or
3. I will transfer to Mass (most likely Amherst) to finish my undergrad degree as a Psychology and Athletic Training Major with my Creative Writing minor already complete.

I'm sure 3 is the most shocking to everyone. I've kept it secret until now. I mentioned it to Carol about a week ago, but that's it. I love USM. I've said that before. I'm still in love with Portland. That's why I came back. Portland is the city I want to raise my children in, but that is not my present. I would love to work for the Pirates, but again that's not my present (unless I get an internship, which is a possibility).

Where is my near future? Massachusetts. So I think it makes sense to consider all possibilities. One of which, being to transfer next year. I'm highly skeptical of that actually happening though.

Men also complicate the situation. Not as much in actually influencing me to be one place or the other, but more in me being afraid that they will influence my decisions and thereby giving them more power to actually influence me. It may not make sense to you, but it does to me.

I have to do what's best for me. What's best for me could there though. Not because of him, but because of the academics and opportunities. Keeping him out of the decision is difficult though.

There's a lot to think about. That's why I'm going to Northampton next week. I'm not exactly sure how long I will stay, which brings me to my next post...