Toasty is an understatement. It's near 100 in Northampton. I'm not complaining though. It feels kind of like May in Tennessee.
Today has been good, but stressful. I think I've been psyching myself out by thinking that I have to send 7 years in once place. It's like 7 days from The Ring except it's a lot longer and a lot scarier (fye The Ring isn't scary).
Later Update: I feel like a horrible friend and guest. I spent most of the day silent. I am incredibly overwhelmed by the decision...s? I suppose my terrible mood started this morning when I took Will's helpfulness for trying to get me out of the apartment. I didn't know what to think, but the first thing that came to mind is 'No one wants me (except maybe my rents).' Now I'm beginning to realize that part of it...maybe most of it is me.
I have this plastic bubble around me that I keep most people away with. Pretty much everyone actually. I let Luke in the most I think, but even that isn't constant and he doesn't help by constantly disappearing. It's not exactly his fault, but it still feels horrible. All that terror has come up as a result of staying with Will. It's not a bad thing. Certainly I need to get rid of it and that barrier. I'm silent because I'm so terrified of letting him or anyone in. It makes me physically shake. I know he thinks it's awkward because of the silence and he said he would listen and I want to tell him all about it, but I open my mouth and "Don't worry about it. It's just kind of stressful. Not a big deal" and a cheap smile come out.
As soon as he gets back from dropping off books, I'm going to bitch slap the silence and terror and really talk to him. Anyone who wants to be my friend needs to understand why I keep my distance and stay so silent sometimes.
On another note, I'm afraid that I'm slightly like my mother in the fact that I need to be doing something constantly. I think that is more a result of feeling awkward and silent and wanting distraction to make it easier and avoid what's really going on.
I need to breathe and talk and know that everything will be okay eventually.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Mellow Thoughts
Tonight was good. We went to the Melting Pot. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love that restaurant.
The point is that I've been thinking about Luke a lot this evening, but it's just been touching the back of my mind. It was just a nice and relaxed. I wasn't worried that he's sleeping with other girls or drinking too much or doesn't like me etc etc.
Also I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't have waited around for so long if I didn't know that he cares for me on some level. So do I need to hear it? Nah, but it would be nice.
He's my happy place...or one of them.
P.S. I'll review my week in Mass when I get home.
Heading to Northampton tomorrow. That should be interesting.
The point is that I've been thinking about Luke a lot this evening, but it's just been touching the back of my mind. It was just a nice and relaxed. I wasn't worried that he's sleeping with other girls or drinking too much or doesn't like me etc etc.
Also I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't have waited around for so long if I didn't know that he cares for me on some level. So do I need to hear it? Nah, but it would be nice.
He's my happy place...or one of them.
P.S. I'll review my week in Mass when I get home.
Heading to Northampton tomorrow. That should be interesting.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
France, Ireland and Tennessee
It seems like everything is moving in a new direction...or just in some direction.
Luke has been better at making an attempt to hang out/talk. It hasn't happened yet, but it will.
I will probably take 3 years to finish my undergrad double major/minor. Where is the question.
I'm heading to Northampton on the 8th, to see if my future lies there or in Boston.
___
Last night I saw 3.5 films. I was so exhausted that I figured I needed a night in alone to recoup. First I watched Coco Before Chanel. It was a good movie and I would recommend it, especially to those interested in that era. I also love Audrey Tautou in everything I've seen her in. At the end of the movie, I found that she reminded me of my grandmother. My grandmother was from Austria and had a similar hairdo since she lived around the same time. I love to see old picture of my grandmother, because she looked like a classic movie star. She would have fit right in with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck.
The second film I saw was The Blind Side. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the last people to have seen it, but that's okay. It was great and set in Tennessee, so even better. It made me think of my time at public school in Knoxville and then of some of the complaints I hear from my friends. We have it good compared to many of the people there. We're lucky. I'm luckier than most in terms of family. Many of my friends are even luckier than me in terms of money and comfort. So we're all doing pretty well in that respect and should be appreciative of that. Also, Sandra Bullock put on a good accent. It wasn't a Tennessee accent, but it didn't make me want to hit someone over the head like most actors do when they try that accent.
The third film I saw caught my eye because Cillian Murphy was on the cover. He's one of my favorite actors. Unfortunately he almost always dies or his wife leaves him or some such thing. Even in Inception he got shot and had to be saved. The movie I saw was The Wind That Shakes The Barley. It's basically about strife between Ireland and Britain with Ireland trying to gain independence during the early 20th century. I also recommend it to people who like Cillian Murphy or have interest in the topic/time period. Not for people who don't like war movies or are squeamish around finger nails being pulled off (I had to cover my eyes for part of that). The funny part is that I had to put the subtitles on, because some of the women spoke really softly and a few I just couldn't understand. I'm latino though, so why would you expect me to understand it anyway. Good movie, check it out.
The last film I only watched part of because I was tired and it was a little drawn out for my taste. It's called Dans Paris. It's a french film about a son who returns home to be depressed over the break up with his girlfriend and his relationship with his brother who is a bit of a man whore and his father, who's a little crazy. The pace is very slow, possibly to reflect the slow progression of his depression, but still too slow for me. Not highly recommended.
Luke has been better at making an attempt to hang out/talk. It hasn't happened yet, but it will.
I will probably take 3 years to finish my undergrad double major/minor. Where is the question.
I'm heading to Northampton on the 8th, to see if my future lies there or in Boston.
___
Last night I saw 3.5 films. I was so exhausted that I figured I needed a night in alone to recoup. First I watched Coco Before Chanel. It was a good movie and I would recommend it, especially to those interested in that era. I also love Audrey Tautou in everything I've seen her in. At the end of the movie, I found that she reminded me of my grandmother. My grandmother was from Austria and had a similar hairdo since she lived around the same time. I love to see old picture of my grandmother, because she looked like a classic movie star. She would have fit right in with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck.
The second film I saw was The Blind Side. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the last people to have seen it, but that's okay. It was great and set in Tennessee, so even better. It made me think of my time at public school in Knoxville and then of some of the complaints I hear from my friends. We have it good compared to many of the people there. We're lucky. I'm luckier than most in terms of family. Many of my friends are even luckier than me in terms of money and comfort. So we're all doing pretty well in that respect and should be appreciative of that. Also, Sandra Bullock put on a good accent. It wasn't a Tennessee accent, but it didn't make me want to hit someone over the head like most actors do when they try that accent.
The third film I saw caught my eye because Cillian Murphy was on the cover. He's one of my favorite actors. Unfortunately he almost always dies or his wife leaves him or some such thing. Even in Inception he got shot and had to be saved. The movie I saw was The Wind That Shakes The Barley. It's basically about strife between Ireland and Britain with Ireland trying to gain independence during the early 20th century. I also recommend it to people who like Cillian Murphy or have interest in the topic/time period. Not for people who don't like war movies or are squeamish around finger nails being pulled off (I had to cover my eyes for part of that). The funny part is that I had to put the subtitles on, because some of the women spoke really softly and a few I just couldn't understand. I'm latino though, so why would you expect me to understand it anyway. Good movie, check it out.
The last film I only watched part of because I was tired and it was a little drawn out for my taste. It's called Dans Paris. It's a french film about a son who returns home to be depressed over the break up with his girlfriend and his relationship with his brother who is a bit of a man whore and his father, who's a little crazy. The pace is very slow, possibly to reflect the slow progression of his depression, but still too slow for me. Not highly recommended.
Twists and Turns
Books should have twists and turns, not my love life. Yet it is. I could probably sell it and make it into a tv show for money, but I won't.
Today was interesting. Well just the evening part.
After visiting Nana I decided that since Luke hadn't responded I would run over to his house. It seems that the best way to reach him is to surprise him at home. They say you should never surprise a man at home, because he might be with another woman. Well if he were, then I'd want to know. I have no qualms about walking into his house and looking for him.
Today I found...his mother. I almost snuck out of the room undetected, but she saw me, so I ended up sitting and talking to her for half an hour. I enjoyed it and learned a lot. It also made me really sad and feel like a jerk (kind of). Since it's so personal, I have no desire to talk about the subjects in a public place or with anyone other than his mother and him. Some things are private.
I will say I got a more in depth look at another side of him that he doesn't necessarily show me or other people. I also saw how much his mother loves him and how similar they are. It was interesting how many mannerisms were the same and how they had similar outlooks on some things. I always find that interesting in other people, because I do not have my own biological parents to compare myself to.
Listening has always been my strong point and it seemed like she had a lot on her mind. I was more than happy to listen for her benefit, for Luke's and for my own. I love this man more than ever now. It almost doesn't seem possible.
I used to think that I was useless to him. I try so hard to be there for him; to make him see that I'm there and he should feel able to rely on me. He never does though. It hurts me when he chooses something else or a bro, but I try to remind myself it's not about me. I'll try even harder to remember that now. Tonight I figured out that even the offer to be there for him is better than nothing; the constant reminder that I'm here has to mean something to him.
I cried all the way home, but not for myself this time. I cried because of how unfair life can be. I cried because sometimes the most amazing people get the shittiest end of things. I cried because I don't want to lose Luke. I cried because I don't want to lose my grandmother or my parents.
I sat in the driveway for a full minute and cried. Then I heard a car door, looked up and realized my neighbor had pulled up beside me. Awkward. I hope not to see him for quite a while. Part of me is mortified, but part of me thinks it's funny as hell.
I'm hoping that Thursday Luke and I will finally be able to hang out for more than 5 minutes. I'm praying that nothing will get in the way for either one of us and as always I'm praying for him. I probably don't seem like the praying sort, but I am in my own quiet way.
____
On a separate note, I had a good evening with Hallie at Sebago and watching Sex and the City (tv show). I got her addicted. It still amazes me how much the show relates to my life.
Now off to bed, if I can get that worn out look on Luke's face out of my head. It makes me sad. I would do anything to see him smile more.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Contradiction
It sounds like a negative word, doesn't it?Well it's not in this case.
My mom as well as other people in RC have advised me in the past to find a man who contradicts all my patterns. (my patterns being: 'My birth mother didn't want me, so why would anyone else,' 'I need people to see that I'm good enough,' etc.) In terms of men that means I'm attracted to men who are indecisive and tend to leave or be unavailable. Those are the negative traits at least.
A contradiction would be: a man who can say he likes to be with me, who makes an efforts to see me, shows me that he likes to be with me, who can schedule around me as well as me scheduling around him, who does not have a girlfriend or as previously noted, an emotional intimacy issue, who can admit when he is wrong, who can apologize sincerely, who is not an alcoholic or a smoker, who does not do drugs, who does not belittle me by making jokes about my heritage or religion, who likes to listen...
I found a contradiction to all of this...or a man who contradicts all of these things. He helps me remember that my time is not worthless and should not be wasted. I remember even more than usual that I am a great person who any man would be lucky to have. I'm happy and in the moment when I'm with him. I smile and laugh a lot. There is no sadness attached.
This man is not Luke. I love Luke, but if he doesn't do something soon, he'll lose me. I don't want it to happen like that.
Lets See
I've been thinking about my academic future and my future career a lot lately. Believe me, I've had plenty of reason to do so.Thus far the graduate schools I'm looking at are all in Massachusetts (Boston, Springfield, Amherst, Worcester). I will do whatever it takes to get into those schools.
I've been kind of scared about my progress. Transferring was a mess and then I had my huge mental break down about what I really wanted to do with my life that came at a great cost to my academic progress. First I had to overcome the depression that took hold while at Hofstra. I came to USM still discouraged about that. I was worn out after my first year.
USM was much better though. I liked the people, both students and professors. That sneaky idea that Waynflete planted in my head that 'a local public college isn't good enough quickly dissipated for the most part. No one ever said it outright, but it was in the air, because everyone applied to it as a last choice safety school and the teachers never carried on about it the way they would about Bates or Bowdoin. They did stress the importance of choosing the right school for the individual though.
That's why I'm at USM. To this day I still get crap mostly in the form of passive aggressive jokes from friends about USM and it's embarrassing, but I like the school, so I ignore it or confront the people. I have no doubt that I'm incredibly smart, so that is not an issue. Filling my potential is scary though. I constantly have to beat back the recording that a baby from a 3rd world country can't successfully take on the challenge of becoming a psychologist, more specifically one of the few who works with elete athletes, which is a male dominated area. I believe I can do it, but the part of me that was hurt a long time ago has doubts sometimes. When I let those doubts seep it, that's when I screw up. I freeze and don't do anything.
This past semester I slowed down in order to deal with those fears. Oddly enough, I think getting Luca has been the most helpful therapy for me. He keeps me present and relaxed. He's a constant reminder that I am successfully raising and supporting a live being. It's a challenge. You can't get an F in that. You can't fail a living being. If I can do that, then I can do pretty much anything.
My parents raised me on that: I can do anything if I set my mind to it and work hard. Other phrases: I'm brilliant, I'm beautiful, I'm compassionate etc. etc.
And I believe it.
So what am I really questioning now? What to do with the rest of my undergraduate education. I've decided that I will give it another year and depending on how that goes I will have 3 possibilities.
If I'm satisfied with my GPA (and believe me, I have very high expectations for myself) then:
1. I will finish on time at USM with a Psychology Major and Creative Writing Minor
If my GPA is not quite where I want it to be, but still at a good place then:
2. I will take another year to graduate with Majors in Psychology and Athletic Training and a minor in Creative Writing or
3. I will transfer to Mass (most likely Amherst) to finish my undergrad degree as a Psychology and Athletic Training Major with my Creative Writing minor already complete.
I'm sure 3 is the most shocking to everyone. I've kept it secret until now. I mentioned it to Carol about a week ago, but that's it. I love USM. I've said that before. I'm still in love with Portland. That's why I came back. Portland is the city I want to raise my children in, but that is not my present. I would love to work for the Pirates, but again that's not my present (unless I get an internship, which is a possibility).
Where is my near future? Massachusetts. So I think it makes sense to consider all possibilities. One of which, being to transfer next year. I'm highly skeptical of that actually happening though.
Men also complicate the situation. Not as much in actually influencing me to be one place or the other, but more in me being afraid that they will influence my decisions and thereby giving them more power to actually influence me. It may not make sense to you, but it does to me.
I have to do what's best for me. What's best for me could there though. Not because of him, but because of the academics and opportunities. Keeping him out of the decision is difficult though.
There's a lot to think about. That's why I'm going to Northampton next week. I'm not exactly sure how long I will stay, which brings me to my next post...
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Consistency
The Shepherd's Dream - John Henry FuseliAlso, part of me wants to go to Noho next week and never return...at least not to live. That won't happen though. It's just a nice dream.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)