Always Go Back

Flaws don't count for much.
Love's funny that way.

It's almost full moon time, which means, I'm blunt and I don't care.

Sooo who chooses alcohol over sex? Just saying.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Have any of you ever seen the old school little mermaid story? The one that came before disney's. I think the mermaid was blonde...I remember one scene where she was in a garden (after she got her legs) and she picked a flower. She started picking each petal off it while going back and forth between 'He loves me' and 'he loves me not.'

I think that might have been my dream earlier during my nap.

Anyway, I feel kind of lifeless right now. Men...I feel constantly broken.

On a side note, an actor from Angel and an actor from Buffy are both on the same NCIS episode.

You're Better Than The Best

Smile - Uncle Cracker

Anyway, I don't have much to write tonight. I'm too tired. I just had to mention that I wrote something that I really didn't want to write tonight. It was only one page, but still, the fact that I did it is a pretty good sign I think. I'm just trying to deal with one thing at a time.

I made brownies and jello though. mmm jello shots. What? This jello is just sugar. I was just thinking back to Thursday night.

Speaking of which, I'm going to give brownies away tomorrow. I hope it makes me smile, because he's still injured. More messages throughout the game? I hope so.

I'll end with Angel Taylor.

You don’t know why, this girl wont answer
When you call, and romance her
You’re so amazed, that I don’t pay you attention these days
All my girls say “he’s just there, for the ride, he don’t care”
So come on, one on one, here’s your chance, prove them wrong

Give Me Skies Of Black And Blue

Eli Young Band. Yes, country. It's funny how much I used to hate country. I couldn't stand it when I lived in Tennessee. Then I got up to Maine and after a few years some of it started to grow on me. If I heard some of the popular '90s country, I could probably sing along since my mom would play that on our road trips to Maine and back home. So I was surprised when I saw someone posted lyrics from Home as his status.

I've never known a love
My soul was searching for
Now I look into that great big blue
Feel nothing I've felt before
I'm alone

I'm hoping it's just a song he likes. It is a good song after all, but I wouldn't be surprised if he felt that way and that makes me sad for him. I can't imagine being so reserved and introverted and having to deal with that much publicity.

Today When It Rains came on my ipod. I had it on shuffle. Thought it was kind of funny. The song is sad, but I smiled because I remembered a brief conversation.

Speaking of which, smiles are contagious. There are some that are more so than others though. There is this one person who's smile is the happiest I've ever seen. It doesn't occur very often anymore, but when it does, I can't contain my own grin. It's a nice feeling to be so happy. If you have the capacity to make me smile like that, you're pretty spectacular. I'm glad a lot of my friends have that ability.

Table Tops

It's time to put it all on the table.
I think it's interesting that guys like to figure everything out in their life before dealing with relationships and such. Meanwhile most women would rather have that stability and then deal with other things.

I had a good talk with Hallie friday afternoon. I told her what I wanted most (what I previous referred to as something I didn't feel comfortable telling anyone). I'm still far away from that goal, but getting closer with every message...er day?

My issue is that I don't really fall for guys often, because I know what kind of man I want. Sure I'm willing to keep my options, but really there have only been 2 so far in my life. They're complete opposites, which I find odd.
One is quiet; reserved. He never goes out and parties. He is going for his dream. He has his path laid out before him. It's not certain, but pretty damn close. He likes little kids. He's an introvert who interacts with a large amount of people every day because it's part of the job, but he doesn't complain or seem to mind too much.
The other is responsible when he has to be, but parties more than he should. He's distant. No idea where he's going, but he's sweet when he allows himself to be. He's flaky, but usually there when it matters. He's opinionated.

Tonight was interesting. Went to the game with Katya and later Kate and Micah joined us. I have some stuff to say to/about our men problems, but too tired to do it now. I messaged back and forth with Nate some. It was nice.

Exhausted

That's me. It's a long story. Things are finally looking up mostly.
Men + Me = always complicated
Kate and I might reconcile? We talked for the first time in months at the AHL All Star Classic after party last night. This was after I had 4 cups of coffee and right before I had 2 small glasses of champagne. She was drunk though...
Anyway! I talked to Nate and that was interesting. I enjoyed it. Speaking of which, he's smiled in the past 2 days more than he has since last season. I only comment on this because he has the kind of smile that makes you want to grin yourself. It's contagious and I like smiling and laughing.

It's A Long Way Down

But once you hit the bottom, you can only go up, right?

Suck It Up

I always think Hallie is saying "suck it off." Maybe it's just my dirty mind.

Tonight was amazing. Before the game I predicted Nathan Gerbe would have 2 assists and felt good about the Pirates winning. It was the most exciting game of the season for multiple reasons. They won 7-1 and Nate got 2 assists. There were a couple fights and lots of roughing. I enjoyed it quite thoroughly. Afterward I sent Nate a message saying I told him the night would be good. He responded "keep saying it." I will, Nate, I will.

At this point, I think the after party on Monday night will be very interesting. I'm really excited for the whole All Star Classic. I went to Worcester last year, because I wanted to see Nate play, but he was injured. Luckily it's in Portland this year and I get to go again with Katya this time. Lots of young players running around Portland? Many options for Katya. Meanwhile I shall focus on befriending Nate in person (as well as on facebook...er I think he's befriending me? He started it.). One can never have enough good friends.

Also stood up for myself a little in a different department. I think it was a good move, although I feel kind of bad. Then I went back on what I said. (Hallie is probably reading this and thinking "god damn it rosalba!") True enough, it is what it is though.

I don't know where my head has been lately. That's kind of a lie. I do. I just don't want to admit it. Hallie has definitely noticed. I get distracted a lot. I look very pensive. I can't remember things. I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I don't want to go back to school this semester. Maybe I needed more of a break than I realized. I don't know.

The life I want is not the one I'm heading toward. Honestly I don't really know where I'm headed, but I know what I want and I don't feel like I can tell anyone, because I feel like they will say "really? that's all you want to do with your life?" That's where I want to start though. My mom always says "don't make your life small." I think she would consider it a small life, but I don't. It just feels so right. I feel like I was given the abilities I have for a reason. I can understand things that I shouldn't be able to for a reason. I was made for this...and more, but this is what I burn for. This is where I want to start.

At the moment all I know is that I want to be in Lowell tomorrow at 1:30, but I won't be there, because I couldn't find anyone to go with me.

I'll try to end on a happy note. Hallie introduced me to Your Love Is My Drug by Kesha.

Won't listen to any advice, mamma's telling me to think twice
But left to my own devices i'm addicted its a crisis!

My friends think I've gone crazy, my judgment is getting kinda hazy
My status is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crackhead

I don't care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when you're with me
But crash and crave you when you are away

Dress or Jersey

Recently I discovered a picture of myself with a dress hanging up with my Simon Ferguson jersey. It's a huge contradiction. I guess that is me in a nutshell.
I like to go to hockey games. I'll yell at the opposing team or my own if appropriate. I'm not one of those crazy screamers though. I'll walk proudly around the arena in any of my jerseys (I have 6). I'll wear them downtown for food after a game (they're extremely warm too!). I would punch a hockey player in the face if they hurt one of my favorites. They don't scare me. Many are kind of like..man-boys. It's a nice atmosphere.

I like to dress up. I always do when going to a hockey game. I just put the jersey on when the game starts. I like wearing dresses and heels. It's fun. I like to look nice. Not much else to say on that matter.

Yesterday Katya and I went to Lowell to see Simon Ferguson and Mike McKenna. Unfortunately McKenna didn't play. I would have had trouble deciding on a team if he had been in net though. Our seats were right behind the Syracuse Crunch bench.

We got there about 10 seconds before Simon Ferguson (Fergy) finished warming up. I wasn't sure if he had seen us. We waited for the game to start. Lowell had a big entrance so Syracuse came out in the dark and I couldn't see him anywhere. When the lights came up, he was skating to the bench. He had the same surprised look as last season and I thought, God damn I missed that guy. As he sat down, he mumbled something to another guy and looked back at us. I laughed. He looked away quickly so he wouldn't also laugh.

That used to be our thing. We would make him laugh during warm ups. One night at a season ticket holder party he asked why we laughed so much. We responded that laughter was a good thing and he should do it more often. For the rest of the season he would always laugh when he saw us and I would always laugh when eye contact was made. You could tell he was trying really hard not to laugh.

It was similar last night. We dubbed him the awkward turtle, because he kept trying to avoid eye contact. We would see him look over occasionally. He didn't really fall down, which was surprising. Apparently he did a funny spin that I missed. Some guy behind us was yelling about it.

In the third period, Lowell scored their second goal. I yelled at Fergy to show them our response (aka score another goal) as he hopped onto the ice. He then proceeded to run into another guy, spin around and almost fall down. Typical Fergy. He assisted on the first goal though and they won 3-2.

Half way through the game some tension started in front of the Syracuse Bench/us. I was taking a photo when Fergy tapped on the glass. I took the photo, but was confused as to why he was tapping and what he was saying. My thought was, Is he telling me not to take the photo? Then he threw a puck over the glass. It landed behind my seat. I was too suprised to catch it (so was Katya). The man who had been yelling at Fergy earlier got up and handed it to me.

I thought he was going to take it for himself. If he had tried, I would have ripped it from his hands. Seriously. Don't steal the Fergy puck or I'll kill you. I laughed with bubbly happiness for the rest of the period....and night actually. It's the happiest moment of the year so far and I think it will probably stay at the top.
Best moment of last year: talking to Fergy after the game in Bridgeport (although I quite enjoyed talking to Gerbe in Hershey also).

I know you probably don't get why I'm so happy about this. It's not just another hockey player thing. There's no such thing with me. I've been watching him play since I was 14. He's seen me grow up. I love that I can make fun of him to his face and joke around with him. He's a good man. A little awkward, but that's okay. He has a lot of character.
I compare the current Pirates with the 2007-2008 team. They're two completely different teams and that's okay I guess. I know I shouldn't compare them, because it makes me miss the old team more and resent the new one. I think part of it is that I enjoyed seeing the fan-hockey player connection. The old team would throw kids pucks during warm ups, make funny faces at the children, Bootland would let a couple of season ticket holders feed him fries, Drew Miller would talk to this one kid in particular, they would stay out in the cold after games to talk to their avid fans...

I loved watching this interaction. I was always more of an observer than interactive. My role was not to take, but to give. It still is. I think that's why some of the guys see me differently. I would rather give them photos of themselves than take their autograph. Why? Well have you seen their faces when they receive the photos? They light up and relax. They make funny comments about themselves. I get to see a bit more into their personality than if I were taking an autograph.

So today I decided that I need to move on and accept this new team. To be honest, I like them better than last season. The only one who has really caught my though, is Nathan Gerbe. I'm not talking about physical attraction. That's one thing you have to know about me. It's not about the attractive men, it's about the community and people. I don't know him very well, but I'd like to. He seems like a nice guy so far and a really hard worker. He has a huge amount of talent and uses it well. I think it's the combination of being a hard worker and being so down to earth that I like. It's impressive and I know he must be under a ton of pressure. Bobby Ryan did not handle that pressure as well (although Bobby Ryan was often compared to Sidney Crosby, which was a bad comparison) and he came off a little cocky.

So here's to the 2009-2010 Portland Pirates. I'll be supporting them (rather than the opponents with the old Pirates team) from here on out. The only exception I have to make is for the game against Syracuse. Tomorrow when they play against the Worcester Sharks and Joe Callahan, I'll be hoping the Pirates win. I don't see any reason why they wouldn't if they work hard all 3 periods.

Suggestions to future Pirates:

• Talk to the fans more
• Interact during warm ups (throw pucks to kids occasionally etc)
• Work hard, the fans will love you for it
• Enforcers: Be fierce and play it up sometimes (like Robataille and Gillies)
• Captains: The way you act and lead is the way the fans will see the rest of the team (aka Bouck and Gavey - great captains)
• Show your quirks, accept (and learn from) your mistakes and don't be embarrassed because it's not "manly." (Petteri Wirtanen known for always smiling, Drew Miller being extremely nice to and interactive with the children etc)

I'll post parts of this on my hockey blog, but it's here primarily because it's more about me than hockey.

What A Mess

That would be my life right now. Almost everything is unstable right now. I guess I didn't really realize it until today. The past two weeks have been crazy.

I can't decide on a major.
My dog started pooping on the rug again after stopping for awhile.
He needs to run around a lot, but we don't have a fenced in backyard.
He hates it when I leave, which makes me feel bad about leaving whenever I'm off doing other things.
I don't get to spend as much time with friends.
I can't stay up late, because I have to get up early to walk him.
Someone I thought was gay, isn't.
I feel somewhat betrayed by my brother.
I finally hate someone.
I had a scare.
I'm involved with a flaky guy.
My relationship with my parents fluctuates.

As a result, I have been losing everything, late to everywhere I go, too quiet, not great company, forgetting to take my synthroid, irritable, sad, and exhausted. Today I lost my keys twice. I lost Luca's leash. After 10 minutes I realized I was holding it. I left my gloves in Becky's and the waitress had to bring them out to me. Then as I was pulling out a man pointed to my car and said something. It took me a minute to realize I left my take out box on the hood of the car. That resulted in a mental break down. I'll admit I feel better now. I just wish something would stabilize.

Now to continue with my chaotic life. Driving to Lowell in an hour and a half. It will be exhausting, but fun and I need some time to just be 20.

Slip

I haven't fallen on ice since sophomore year of highschool. I think that's pretty spectacular (skating doesn't count). That's why Emma created a "Don't fall on ice" facebook group.

Methinks time creates doubt.
Lately I've been so distracted by thought that I keep losing things, running into things and forgetting there are people around me. I guess I'm just a little flustered. It'll pass, hopefully.

Sex and The City

It seems that whenever I come across it on tv late at night, the episode is one I can relate to my life. Isn't that odd? The show isn't about fairytale relationships and love, although the movie kind of is.

Tonight I saw the end of one about a missed period and I'm currently watching one about Carrie farting in front of her boyfriend. I've seen both of them before.

Carrie freaks out because after farting, she and Mr. Big stop having sex. I think it's for 4 or 5 nights in a row. Then she makes the mistake of going to his place spontaneously going over to his place while he's watching a game. She leaves unsatisfied after he gets annoyed for the distraction. He arrives at her apartment a few days later. "

First, don't interrupt a guy when he's watching an important game. Hell, don't interrupt me when I'm watching hockey. It's really not that hard to understand. I tend to get annoyed with people who ask a lot of questions at hockey games. It's mostly because I figured the game out by myself using my observational skills and I think others should be able to as well.

Second, the fart is a just part of a deeper issue. It's a well known fact in the world of ladies, that we are not allowed to pass gas, burp or possess body hair not on top of our heads. Then there are the women who like to be "free." The ones who don't shave their legs or arm pits and don't really care what men think about it. I'm okay with women like that, but I would never live like that myself. I like having smooth legs and the compliments I get on them. I think it's mortifying to pass gas in front of my friends, let alone a guy. But it's true, it's something we all do.

Our society focuses so much on making us perfect. Women should be "perfect." No gross bodily functions allowed. It's bull, but everyone buys into it at least a little. The point is, I'm not perfect. Wouldn't that be boring?

Shameful

You should have ran for days,

You embrace, You betray...
I'm sad to say, You're a sad cliche,
But when you ran, You fell,
On a path that led you straight to hell...
This is the salt in your wounds,
This is my 'I told you so'

Last night was a bit on the crazy side. It brought me clarity on one subject though. I feel thoroughly betrayed by two of my best friends. The unwanted connection makes me bitter. Just the thought brings on a rage that I would hate to lose control of. No, what's scarier is that I want to lose control.

I've never thought anything over so much as I did when I cut the unwanted connection out of my life. What did I expect? I expected support in my decision. I expected people to see the rationality in it. Do they? I'm beginning to think not. Doubts are beginning to plant themselves in the back of my mind. Who can I really trust? In the end, who really has my back?

Last night I was taken by surprise by a little piece of information slipped to me by a loose tongue. I went livid. I shut myself in the bathroom trying to comprehend this betrayal. I couldn't. I thought maybe it was because my judgment was somewhat impaired. Hallie took me back to her suite to calm down. It worked somewhat, but it took a trip to 7/11 to calm me down. Then I remained cold and distant for the rest of the evening. I thought today it would be different because my head would clear. My head has never been clearer. I'm still betrayed.

Things are changing though. I'm passed the sad stage. I'm fucking furious. I will never cry another tear. It was never worth a single one in the first place. I will not do anything rash as long as it stays away from me. I don't need revenge, because it's suffering and will continue to suffer for a very long time on its own. If it attacks or approaches me, I will enjoy tearing it apart. I feel no guilt, because it deserves none. It dug its own lonely grave.

I will not sit back and take shit ever again though. Not from anyone. I used to be the kind of person who forgave and forgave. If you don't deserve forgiveness, then you will never get it from me. Mistakes are natural, but there is line.

As for the betrayers, I still love them. That will probably never change. They are family, and although my disgust is reflected upon them because of that connection, it can be worked through. I can only hope one day they will realize what I have.
This is the last time I will ever mention the subject.

You let yourself get carried away
Don't act like you're ashamed,
You let yourself get carried away
Bow your head now, accept the blame,
You let yourself get carried away
Bury this with you, a waste,

And now it's time to see,
What you don't mean to me.

Avatar: Part 1

So I began writing about Avatar, but that turned into writing about strong women. It's a tricky subject. I have to word it so that it says exactly what I mean, which is hard to do when I'm so tired. So I will save it for tomorrow, when I know for sure it will not sound like "women are better than men," because I don't believe that.

I think my dog just tried to eat a cotton ball, so that's all for tonight.

Think Of This

Back in October, I wrote a little piece. It doesn't have a title, but it does start with "Think of this," so I suppose that's good enough for now. Back then a few of my friends (both male and female) seemed to have similar stories/issues. After thinking about it, I decided to write a short story combining all of our stories into one. You can read into it if you want, think it's about you if you want, feel guilty if you want, but that's not really the point of the piece.

I will admit that I had to take out a couple of sentences, because they were a little more obvious and personal. They are more of a loose interpretation of how I see other people viewing the guy than about me. I also thought it would be fairer to show the guy that part before everyone else.


Think of this:
A young woman sits at home; a musty quilted pillow, contained by her arms. She stares out a window at nothing. Night has fallen and where there would be bright green trees and a flowing river, black night veils them. She is not thinking of the beautiful foliage. How could she, when her thoughts are agonizing and overflowing? One would never know. Her posture is perfectly relaxed and serene; She is a graceful statue. Only her watery eyes could give her away, but they’re shadowed by the night.

Meanwhile, a young man stands above a dirty linoleum floor, taking shots from a graying counter top. Loud voices and harsh laughter surround him. People urge him on for their own entertainment. He takes two more shots. The familiar faces begin to sway and warmth fills every joint. Heat pushes guilt away. The faces become more than just familiar; they become his best friends. He forgets these people never supported [him]. He forgets they don’t care about him. He is just a performing clown. He gulps down another shot.

The young woman begins quivering. Anyone around her would think it’s the result of sitting so near a frosted window. No one realizes she is waiting. No one can see the strain as she hunches forward. She bears a pain too enormous for her petite frame. She wonders when she will break. Tonight? Next month? In a year? When will the occasional tear turn into a flood? When will she not be able to pick herself up and carry on with her day anymore? The worry stresses her heart. It races faster. Her arms drop to her sides as she is consumed by helplessness.

A few hours later the young man finds himself staggering home alone. The heat has cooled down with the cold fall air. His drunken smile fades. A beautiful figure dances at the edges of his memory, becoming clearer with each step. He takes out his keys and fumbles to fit the lock with the right key. The door shuts behind him. In the surrounding silence, his cold hands comfort his face, he finally remembers the one who was always there; the one who always forgave him and all the times he took her for granted; Grief shakes his body. He never meant to cause her pain. He opens his phone and begins to dial.

A buzz interrupts the young woman’s melancholy. Her hopes and heart rate jump. Just as the tears begin to flow freely, she answers.
“Hi,” says the young man. “I missed you.”
“How was your night?” she responds; smile evident in her voice.
“Okay," He pauses, before continuing casually, "You know.”
“Yes, I do.”

Just Another Day

Today Beans and I had brunch together. Well more specifically Beans had brunch, while I felt quite nauseous and couldn't eat my food. Turns out it was wings I had the day before. I guess it's not good to miss 2 meals after going to Binga's.

Then we picked up Katya and visited Waynflete. We were there for quite awhile doing the rounds. Lorry talked me into leading a poetry workshop for some of the students there. I told her I was changing my major to English and she said "it's about time you realized this is your calling." That made me laugh. It's always nice to go back and catch up with teachers.

It made me think though (again). Waynflete affects you. You can't go there for a significant amount of time and have it not affect you. Waynflete is a way of life. There are good things and bad things about it, just like everything else. We may not like all the people we went to school with, but we're still a community. Highschool was a hell of a lot different from Middle school.

I was only there for 1 year of middle school, but it was enough to tell. The best friends I had in 8th grade were not the best friends I had in high school. The groups of people were different too. I had my group of boys/Imani (Tiger, Charlie, Ben, Matt, Tom Ryan and Imani), artsy/dancers (vano, iszy, lauren, carol, katya, eliza), serious students (nina, holly, eliza, aidan) and there was our new girls trio (iszy, amanda and me). At this point I'm still friends with 6 of them.

Then I got to know Jared, Jamie, Beans and eventually Sam. Still friends with Beans, Jared and Sam. Plus those 6 from before. They're some of the best people I know to this day. We all have our differences, but at this point we've accepted them. I'm just me, and they like me for that.

I also think it's good to mix things up. Meet new people, integrate them etc. Sometimes they just won't get along though no matter what. Kind of like the saying opposites attract. Well maybe so, but I strongly believe that if you don't have something in common, it won't work out. (this doesn't mean you can't be civil though)

Speaking of which, I was recently informed that my good friend's girlfriend compared him to Edward from Twilight. What The Fuck! Noooo. Not okay. Let's be honest. He's nothing like a real guy, so don't ever expect that from your man, ladies please! Men do not sparkle! Unless they happen to be Adam Lambert...Anyway. No! This is wrong. Don't force someone to be anything, but what and who they are.

This bring me back to the 'men like to show not tell' thing. Don't force a guy to tell you all the time. First of all, it's annoying. Second, if you need to hear it all the time, then you're probably insecure. Third, if you can't tell when he's showing you how he feels, you probably don't know him that well, and if you don't know him that well, why would he be showing you much? Guys need to know that there has to be an inital talk, and maybe a talk every so often (by which I mean, not so often) and ladies....pay attention and stop trying to make him into Mr. Darcy or Edward or whoever your ideal male book/movie/tv character. Key word = character. Doesn't exist.

A couple other things, I wrote a long note on facebook, which I will post on my hockey blog, since it has to do with hockey, but you should read it. Might give you some insight into hockey and me. Funny story relating to hockey:

Tonight I received a message from a certain hockey player about his lack of a new years eve. He asked how mine was in return. I was responding, while my mom was looking at the tv guide channel. Suddenly I saw BU vs. BC so I told her to flip to it. I stopped typing to root for BU. It was OT. So I go back to the message when my mom asked if they just said "Gerbe." I told her that's impossible because he's playing professionally now. Suddenly the game ended. A BC player scored the final goal of the beanpot. I yelled damn it then I heard the name, "Gerbe." The hockey player dove onto the ice in celebration and his teammates dove on top. I said it couldn't be, but we'd find out after everyone climbed off him. So it clears and it is indeed, Nathan Gerbe grinning on the ice. I find this funny because it all happened while we were messaging back and forth.

Last thing I promise. Everyone knows I love reading cosmo. It's just a fun, girly thing to do. So I was taking a quiz. The last question was "Circle all that apply." The last statement was, "You are comfortable with the amount of alcohol your man consumes." I laughed. Lets just leave it at that.

Thrown Down - Fleetwood Mac

He fell for her again, she watched it happen
Every day-- day by day
But more important-- night by night
She watched it all come into play
He held her hands, she listened to what he had to say

"Nothing Is Certain"

"Some things are certain"

A little bit too much Lord of the Rings this weekend. There was a weekend long marathon and I watched 2.5 out of 3. I needed to recuperate. Luckily my puppy wasn't too hyper. In fact he was a lot calmer than normal. It was nice.

While we're speaking about tv, Burn Notice returns soon. Have you seen the ads for it? Looks like things between Fiona and Michael are gonna get pretty heated...again. Honestly, I kind of love their relationship. She loves guns, anything that goes boom, and kicking guys asses. Meanwhile Michael can kick ass too, but he's the spy and therefore makes elaborate plans. So yeah, kick ass team.

When it comes to their weird relationship though, wow...2 seasons ago she wanted them to talk about their relationship, but Michael kept backing out. She said something like "be ready to talk after the mission or I'll kick your ass." Needless to say he tried to avoid it at the end and she literally kicked his ass. She beat him up basically...which led to sex of course. Eventually she moved out because he didn't want to commit completely aka he didn't want to put her at risk any more than he had to. So now they're back together? I see more ass kicking of Michael in the future. His mom says a quote that I can't quite remember, but I'll insert it when I see the promo again.

So I would agree with Arwen. For example: I'm certain that I'm getting my belly button pierced. Woo and I'm pretty sure about the tattoo also, but still thinking about it. Would only be a small one.

For Your Entertainment

"Get ready to shake your ass and feel sexy. That's what the album's really about." - Adam Lambert

Yes I know I've talked about Adam Lambert before. I can't help that I love this song though. It's the kind of song that I listen to while I'm getting ready aka in my underwear. I call it the sex song...because that's what it's about.

I'd be lying if I said that hasn't been on my mind lately. (this is where it gets interesting for you)

There's this preconception that guys think about sex more than girls or want it more than girls. Personally I don't think that's true. I think it's just been a taboo subject for females for so long that it's taking awhile for us to be comfortable enough to talk about it like guys do...but we're not guys, so there are some differences.

(I wrote the part above yesterday, but wasn't sure if I should put it up or not. So today I decided, why not?)

Now...I certainly don't have For Your Entertainment stuck in my head anymore. Just 25 more days until the next full moon though. I'm back into my Michael Buble/Owl City/Colbie Caillat music. Although tonight I came home and rocked out to Atreyu.

So I was thinking, while taking a walk with my puppy today (odd combination I know), sex is almost always reliant on the girl. The girl always has her boundaries. There are some who won't have it until they're married (huge mistake in my opinion), there are those who will have it with many people (either insecure or a pretty free individual, and then there are a bunch more in the middle. Hooking up can be alright. I suppose it depends on where you are with life. I would never recommend it for girls who are virgins though.

I guess there's just one of the many perks of being in a relationship: regular sex. Yup I said it. You have to have an emotional connection, but also that primal urge. Lots of people talk about emotional sex and listening to Michael Buble to set the mood etc. I kind of think that's bull. Sex is about feeling good physically. Not thinking. That can be difficult for women because we think so much, but definitely possible. Once you get past that first time (whether it's first time ever or with a new guy), it usually gets better (one hopes!). Less thought and more feeling comfortable for the woman.

Another interesting thought: I heard somewhere (can't remember where) that the need to pee for a woman after sex is the body's way of flushing out the sperm, but biologically speaking doesn't the female body want to produce and therefore want to keep the sperm? Meanwhile the male wants to spread the seed to make sure the genes are passed on. I suppose that makes sense biologically. Since the guy isn't carrying the baby, he wouldn't necessarily know if the genes belong partly to him. It would be an adequite reason for cheating if we didn't have minds to rationalize with. They make cheating not okay.

In my Nature/Nurture class we learned that men are more likely to cheat for the physical connection, whereas women are more likely to cheat for the emotional connection. It makes sense (with out the rational brain part). Men's genes want to be passed on and if they're not with someone that they're sure about -->cheating. Women's genes know they are being passed on when impregnated, but need to make sure the man will be there to help and ensure success for their gene baby. Then you add love and the rational mind and it get's all mixed up, but one thing is for sure. Cheating is bad. Don't do it. I know I never could.
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On a separate note, I just saw a preview for a chick flick that looks pretty great. Then I saw it comes out 2 days before valentines day...yeah...no. That's a movie that you go to with your girl friends and then go to dinner and comfort yourselves by complaining about men or your incredibly amazing boyfriend takes you, because that's just how much he loves you. Lets be honest, most guys don't like chick flicks and would rather cut themselves or something. Very few enjoy some of them and only a few more than that are willing to go to one with their girl. I do know a couple like that though! As for me: 1 I don't like to complain about guys or be bitter and I don't have a reason to. 2. I don't have a boyfriend. I guess I'll be waiting until the end of February to see it.

I dunno if you can tell but I'm not a big fan of Valentines day. I like to say it's because it's just a hallmark holiday. It's kind of true, but I've felt this way about it for a very long time. I don't know why. I used to be happy with getting chocolate from my dad (still am), but something happened in Tennessee that changed my opinion of the day...or maybe I started growing up and realized it was a romantic day, not just a chocolate day. I tend to avoid going out that day and eat lots of chocolate, while watching chick flicks and grumble. Last year I came home for that weekend and went to a hockey game, hoping that I would just be able to focus on attractive men. Nope. Maybe sometime my feelings for the day will change. I certainly hope so.

Difficulties

I meant to go to bed a couple of hours ago. I'm exhausted, but I've been thinking about stuff (as usual).

I talked to my parents tonight. Told my mom about New Years. Her only comment made me think. I told her about people vomiting all night and that I didn't get to see the ball in time square drop. I also told her I had wanted to catch up with Luke later at his friend's party, but I didn't feel like I could because I needed to take care of everyone. My mom pointed out that it wasn't actually my job to take care of everyone. Something about if they were going to drink that much, they shouldn't expect me to take care of them.

True there is something to be said about responsibility on their own part, but they're my friends.I can't just leave my best friend lying on a couch with vomit on her clothing and a guy I don't quite trust to take care of her. Just like they wouldn't leave me in the same position either. Even I had to be taken care of a bit that night.

So I guess the question is, where do you draw the line? Do you say "hey, I care about you (this much) and likewise for you, so we'll take care of each other when things get crazy?" I suppose so, but it still won't be the same for everyone...guy friends vs. girl friends, best friend vs. boyfriend, sibling vs. husband etc. They're not always equal.

Thinks about it this way, I would walk all the way to Cape E. for my best friend if she needed me to and I didn't have a car. I wanted to walk to wherever Luke was that night.
How far would you go for those you care about?