Shameful

You should have ran for days,

You embrace, You betray...
I'm sad to say, You're a sad cliche,
But when you ran, You fell,
On a path that led you straight to hell...
This is the salt in your wounds,
This is my 'I told you so'

Last night was a bit on the crazy side. It brought me clarity on one subject though. I feel thoroughly betrayed by two of my best friends. The unwanted connection makes me bitter. Just the thought brings on a rage that I would hate to lose control of. No, what's scarier is that I want to lose control.

I've never thought anything over so much as I did when I cut the unwanted connection out of my life. What did I expect? I expected support in my decision. I expected people to see the rationality in it. Do they? I'm beginning to think not. Doubts are beginning to plant themselves in the back of my mind. Who can I really trust? In the end, who really has my back?

Last night I was taken by surprise by a little piece of information slipped to me by a loose tongue. I went livid. I shut myself in the bathroom trying to comprehend this betrayal. I couldn't. I thought maybe it was because my judgment was somewhat impaired. Hallie took me back to her suite to calm down. It worked somewhat, but it took a trip to 7/11 to calm me down. Then I remained cold and distant for the rest of the evening. I thought today it would be different because my head would clear. My head has never been clearer. I'm still betrayed.

Things are changing though. I'm passed the sad stage. I'm fucking furious. I will never cry another tear. It was never worth a single one in the first place. I will not do anything rash as long as it stays away from me. I don't need revenge, because it's suffering and will continue to suffer for a very long time on its own. If it attacks or approaches me, I will enjoy tearing it apart. I feel no guilt, because it deserves none. It dug its own lonely grave.

I will not sit back and take shit ever again though. Not from anyone. I used to be the kind of person who forgave and forgave. If you don't deserve forgiveness, then you will never get it from me. Mistakes are natural, but there is line.

As for the betrayers, I still love them. That will probably never change. They are family, and although my disgust is reflected upon them because of that connection, it can be worked through. I can only hope one day they will realize what I have.
This is the last time I will ever mention the subject.

You let yourself get carried away
Don't act like you're ashamed,
You let yourself get carried away
Bow your head now, accept the blame,
You let yourself get carried away
Bury this with you, a waste,

And now it's time to see,
What you don't mean to me.