So You Think You Can Dance, S7, Top 9

So You Think You Can Dance was amazing or not, depending on the dance, tonight. I was most impressed by Alex. He's an incredible ballet dancer. He's strong and smooth and emotional. Tonight he had to perform hip hop.

Now let's think about this? Do ballet dancers make very good hip hop dancers? Not really. The styles are completely different and normally it would take quite awhile to unlearn the precision of ballet enough to let go and give a great hip hop performance.

Well guess what? Alex had a week. He was paired up with one of the best, if not the best, and former So You Think You Can Dance contestant, Twitch. When twitch was in competition 2 seasons ago I wanted him to win. He came in second. Nonetheless he's a top hip hop performer and does quite well in other areas of dance also. What I mean to say is, thus far in the competition none of the new contestants have been able to keep up with Twitch when doing a hip hop routine.

Alex nailed it. I was sitting there with my mouth open. All of the curse words in the world cannot explain how great he was. You really had to see it...Hopefully someone will post a video of it soon on youtube. They performed to Outta Your Mind by Lil Jon and LMFAO (first video). I think that's probably one of the best all time performances on the show.
I have a feeling he could win this season...




Another performance that I had a strong reaction to was a contemporary piece danced to the song Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. There were 2 reason behind my reaction.
1. The dance was about a woman who was struggling to get over a man she loved who left her and then he returned.
2. The song has great lyrics and is very sad. Christina Perri also has a beautiful voice.

1. By now everyone who reads this knows that #1 is my love life on repeat. But I was shocked at how much it captured how I feel when I'm in a down swing. It's a low that's hard to describe, but then the dance is a perfect description...then again I dance and I could probably express it through that (hmm maybe it's time to begin choreographing again?). I am not currently at a low, but I could feel the pain through that song and dance. I guess you could say the struggle is kind of like hitting a brick wall and pounding on it continuously...

No wait it's exactly like that. If my struggle to get through to Luke, it would look like this:
Pounding on a brick wall until you're bruised and bloody...and then continuing until 1 small brick starts to crack. You keep pounding through the pain and exhaustion until the brick breaks. You take a break to appreciate the accomplishment and look through the small hole in his defenses. Then you repeat. One brick at a time.

So here is the song:


and here are the lyrics, since they aren't posted online yet:
You know I can't take one more step towards you,
'Cause all that's waiting is your (something),
Don't you know that I'm not your ghost anymore,
You lost the love I love the most,
I learned to live half alive,
And now you want me one more time

Chorus:
And who do you think you are?
Running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts,
And tearing love apart,
You're gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me,
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around,
If I am anywhere to be found,
But I have grown too strong,
To ever fall back in your arms
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

(Chorus)

Dear(?) it took so long just to feel alright,
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes,
I wish, I had missed, the first time, that we kissed,
Cause you broke all your promises,
And now you're back,
You don't get to get me back

Chorus:
And who do you think you are?
Running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts,
And tearing love apart,
You're gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me,
Don't come back at all

Chorus:
And who do you think you are?
Running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts,
Tearing love apart,
You're gonna catch a cold,
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me,
Don't come back at all,
Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are

Everything's Okay

I'm trying not to panic.
I'm thinking 'Everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. Oh god it's not going to be okay. He's gonna go off and sleep with the people who raped my people. Fuck.'
And repeat.

It's fucking roller coaster.

I have no problem with him going to Europe for a week. I do have a problem with him sleeping with other women. That's where I draw the line. If it happens and I find out, it's over forever and he'll miss out on the best thing that ever could have happened to him.

I hate this part of me. The part that never knows enough and starts to panic. When he doesn't tell me enough or anything at all. For example he said "maybe lunch Thursday?" To which I responded, okay. Then I asked him to confirm it. He responded "I said lunch Thursday." No...he said MAYBE lunch Thursday. MAYBE usually means probably not. Then of course I was worried that he invited me to lunch because he's trying to keep it friendly...like friend zone thing.

I have worked far too hard this past year for that. I guess I'll see though...

I'm not holding back anymore. I will not spend any more time panicked and lost.

That seems like a good place to end.

Dreams

What are your dreams? What do you see in your future? I'd love to know.

I see a successful career. That seems to be the most predictable part of my life. I will help athletes. Some people help children. Well I'm gonna be helping the people those children look up to. It's a good thing.

I'm hoping I'll make more than my family makes now. Maybe have a bigger house with a nice lawn for my dogs to run around on. Maybe buy back our beach house in Old Orchard.

I want to find that man who makes me laugh, who I can talk to about anything, who appreciates me, who can cook, who has a sense of humor, who's loyal and who wants children eventually. I want a wedding on the beach and I want a big white dress (but not an ugly one) and I want no one to wear shoes. I want a Chuppah and the tradition of glass breaking. I want both Kelsey and Katya to be my maids of honor and we'll see who else will be bridesmaids when the time comes.

It will all happen when the time is right in my life.

As the Kooks say, "I am always where I need to be and I always thought I would end up with you eventually."

Hopes And Dreams

I know most of you don't understand why I make some of the decision that I make and have made. I don't expect you to. After all you aren't me. There are some things that you simply cannot understand because of that.

Tonight Kat sent me a text saying she would here for me if I ever need to talk about Luke/man stuff. I thought about it and realized that I'm not sure if anyone else has really said it in a straight forward manner like that other than Iszy. I didn't realize what a huge relief it was either.

My brain did a flip like 'wow I'm not alone with this?'

It's a good thing to have people like that in your life.

I'm ever so determined.

As Jason Mraz says, "I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me, it might kill me."

P.S. This is an upbeat post even though it might not sound like it.

Mr. Knightley

Mr. Knightley is by far my favorite male character written by Jane Austen. I believe I have mentioned this before, but it's still true. He's kind, smart (academically and practically), opinionated, charitable, and patient.

The only thing I picked out that coincides with my own patterns in regard for men is his sudden decision to go to London. Emma's father says "I don't know why everyone is affected by this wanderlust; even sensible Mr. Knightley."

It seems common these days for men to run away to other places. Besides the fact that most young adults wish to take vacations in Canada, Europe or the Bahamas, men in particular have their reasons.

Mr. Knightly left for London because he realized he was in love with Emma. Meanwhile he thought Emma and Mr. Churchill were in love. So he ran away from his heart.

If I had a nickel for every time a man did that these days...
If I had a nickel for every time Luke ran away from anything these days...
If I had a nickel for every time I forgave him...

I'd be rich.

Now off to watch Argentina kick Mexico's ass.

New York, I Love You

I watched the movie New York, I Love You tonight. I liked it a lot better than Paris, Je T'aime. I found it funny that Paris had Elijah Wood and New York had Orlando Bloom. It's LOTR all over the place.

My favorite couple was the young man and woman walking down a street. The woman was complaining that he never took her anywhere outside the city. Then she told him to suggest a place. He didn't say anything and she said exasperatedly, "See?!" and walked on. A second later he surprised her with tickets to Rome leaving immediately.

To me that's one of the most romantic acts that there are. You hear your partner complaining about something and you surprise them with what they least expect. I always hope that Luke will do something like that. He never does though. I'm not foolish. I know he can't read my mind and we aren't a couple. Still I continue to hope.

I also liked the elderly couple on their anniversary. Happy, elderly couples give me hope that maybe I can find a great love as a youth that will last just as long. They also make me sad because they remind me that everyone ages and passes away. Eventually you lose your love, at least in this physical world. Still, to have such a love seems profound to me.

Then there was the black father who took care of his daughter. The mother (white) was away constantly and the daughter missed her, but her father...well that's how the best parents love: lots of love, care, time and a little indulgence. I'm glad I have those kind of parents.

There was also a woman who converted to Judaism to marry her husband (orthodox). Her Jewish name was Rivka. That's also my name. I have the utmost respect for those who can convert to a different/conservative sect of religion because they love their partner and agree with the beliefs/customs. I'm somewhere in between reform and conservative Judaism. I would never change that for anyone, but I would respect my partners religion.
If you didn't know, I've been learning more about Catholicism to understand my background as well as Luke's. That's just me.

____

Today I went to dinner with Emma and we talked about astrology. Well Libra is all about ideals, sex and love. Perhaps that's why I enjoy talking about sex and maybe that's why I can go on forever about love and my ideals (for myself, for others, for the world).

I also talked about my tendency toward manipulation. Women get a bad wrap as manipulators. The majority of us don't use it. Those who do often feel like it's a defensive move against men who are usually in control of the situation. Then there's the rest of us. We were born oozing charisma and charm. With one flash of a smile, we can make most of the male population melt. People like myself have a knack for language and are the most observant. Just for fun I often rephrase everything I think or say in 5-6 ways (sometimes even in french). Can you phrase something in a way that appeals to others? Once you figure a person out, getting what you want isn't difficult.

But people like me, we control it. We don't use it to get everything we want. When I love a man, I won't manipulate him or try to wrap him around my finger.
It's scary because manipulating people is so easy, if I don't pay attention, it just happens. I have to try hard not to and I'm good at not doing it. I've been 10 times more careful with Luke than any other guy ever. He's also stronger mentally than any other guy I've ever dated.

When you care about someone and you need/want something, you ask for it straight out. You might not get it, but at least you're communicating. I've never been good at asking for anything, but I'm a lot more comfortable asking Luke than any other guy.

Last 2 things about Luke for now.
1. I have this feeling that something is going to happen like he might be leaving after the summer is over for g-d knows where and he doesn't want to deal with telling me yet. It's just a feeling I have. My reaction is calm and neutral thus far.

2. For those of you who have asked how things are going with Luke and Audrey - I know I've been pretty vague or crabby when you bring it up. It's been painful and every mention has been another reminder...not so pleasant and very emotionally draining just to think about. Things are better with Luke for now, but I think from now on it would be best if no one mention Luke unless I do first.

Good night all. Happy Full Moon/May you all get laid tonight (because I can't...)

Forgive and Forget

Today with Kate and Emma in my car and cake and ice cream running through my system, I drove to Luke's house. I marched into his house and up the stairs and there he was...walking out of a room with his shirt off. He looked exhausted. I felt insecure but said quite frankly: "So you do exist."

I had planned to punch him in the face or kick him in the balls. Anything to cause him some portion of the pain that I've felt by his neglect. At first I froze like a deer in the headlights and then my rational mind took over.

i asked what the probability was that I would see him before he left for a week in Europe (notice I have absolutely no problem with him leaving for a week when I know about it ahead of time and don't feel like he's leaving me out of the loop). He told me about a possible party before he left and mentioned that he might be able to fit in a half hour lunch (his own suggestion). At this point I'm skeptical, especially of the lunch, because I don't want to get my hopes up.

This is a good...what? 100th start? Like I've said before, I'm nervous about attending his parties because i don't like being around a lot of people I don't know. I also never know who he has told what to about me and that makes me uncomfortable. It's important that I do it though (if it happens at all).

The question I hate most from his friends: So how do you know Luke?

What do I say? From Waynflete? That's the usual response, but then they ask about more recently...and I say "it's complicated." Then I feel like a failure as a woman because I haven't been able to get more from him and the expectations of women in this society to be part of a couple is horrendous.

I won't think about it unless it comes up.

Also, I know most of you don't understand why this keeps repeating and maybe you think my decision is stupid. I don't care though. I'm eternally optimistic. I adore the man. I have the capacity to forgive and forget...I guess love isn't rational.

And when it's good...it's so good. When it's great, I glow and nothing else can get me down. I know you've seen me like this. I'll skip down the street. I'll laugh and laugh and laugh.

I won't get ahead of myself though. He hasn't made up for the agony he put me through. Thinking and feeling like he was avoiding me and maybe never wanted to see me again...well it felt a bit like dying by knife wounds.

Believe me it's an exhausting experience. It left me wanting to sleep in my bed all day and I'm sure most of you wanted to strangle me at some point. But thank you for listening to me, understanding (or pretending to) and just putting up with it.

It pushed me though. I've thought about things and one of the conclusions I've come to is:

When he gets home from Europe, he needs to man up (in regard to me). I'm worth it (please and motherfucker for emphasis, but not in an angry manner).

Turn It Around

Can I just say...

Motherfucker. The slightest hint that something could turn around and suddenly I'm jumping out of bed like "Look mom! I'm all better!"

This has nothing to do with my mother. I just say motherfucker a lot when I'm pissed with myself or someone else. I'm annoyed for suddenly feeling better before my friend has had a chance to explain or be told the details. I need to stop jumping to conclusions. Hope is the jumper cables I cling to while the T-Rex pushes the damn camper off a cliff. I did not steal your baby motherfucker (reference: Jurassic Park 2)!

So let me have my day. I will have my day. It's not a matter of can I. It's a matter of Will.

Humiliating

I don't know what do anymore. Maybe it's because there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I hate more than having no control.

I don't hear music anymore. A select few songs I hear, but everything else that plays...just doesn't reach my ears. As a result I've been playing Always Where I Need To Be by the Kooks over and over again.

I had a plan. The possibility that it may not work has been preventing me from trying. I did it though.

It also occurred to me that in 3 years I will either be in Boston or Springfield MA. I guess when I told Kurtz and Iszy that I would never go to Western Mass again, I was wrong.

Glum is a good word for the moment. Perhaps tomorrow will be better. Oddly I feel lonely with Iszy going to NY for the weekend and Kurtz going to Noho. Maybe it's because they understand. They've been so good to me. It's like they hold some special power to bring me out of my plaid misery.

I have to figure out how to get myself out of it though.

It's funny how you can feel like you're the most beautiful, free spirited person in a room one moment and like another bland face in the crowd the next. No it's not funny. It just...is.

Strep

Well it seems that I have strep. Haven't been tested for it yet, but since the symptoms are similar to mono and I'm not fatigued, I'm hoping strep. The fever hit me Saturday morning, but now that I think about it, I was probably sick earlier in the week. My throat had been sore since at least Tuesday, but I thought it was because I had stopped smoking. I had maybe 1 cigarette on the car ride to Kennebunk on Thursday, then 1 on Saturday night with Jared and 1 on Sunday after the old port fest. That's when I decided to stop, because my throat hurt. The pain increased by Thursday, but I still didn't pay attention.

Now I'm on a diet of fruit popsicles and gatorade. Swallowing makes me wince every time, but somehow knowing what makes me wince would make most other people cry in pain makes me feel better. My temperature has been going up and down. Last night it was at 103.5. It's been normal for a little while, so hopefully it will stay that way.

I've had a couple of interesting fever dreams though. I think I was half awake during them...somewhere in between. One was about my friend's older brother and how I'm not attracted to him anymore (what a relief) and the other was more like constant drifting in and out of consciousness and thinking things like "I hope his show goes well tonight" or "I bet the show has started by now" or "normally I don't like mustaches, but his works" etc. I also came to the conclusion that I would rather have wine in smaller amounts than large amounts of hard liquor. I like beer too, but I'm kind of wary of the calories. I think I might be off shots of anything for a very long time...

Now...time for another popsicle...
Also I'm very sad that I missed Maine's Gay Pride day. I was really excited for it.

Work It Out

Tonight on the drive home I was fuming about Luke's behavior. When I got home I ran downstairs and basically killed my legs on the treadmill (in a good way). I spent about 23 minutes exercising my anger, 7 minutes on my happy feelings about a certain other person and the last 5 thinking about neither.

Now I'm calm and collected. I'm done doing all the work with Luke. I'm pissed at his behavior, but I don't irrationally hate him (I couldn't if I wanted to). I'm not going to talk to him again until he initiates something or unless I run into him somewhere. If he decides he does want something with me then I'll be open to it, but I'm not waiting another year. There are sweet indie men to be explored and that's my new direction.

Today was an Iszy/John thai food/plaid shopping day. Alas there wasn't much flannel, but I found 2 cute girl shirts at Forever 21 and 2 men shirts at Target. I also found a cheesy gangsta peace sign hat, which I love. Oh so hipster. What a lovely day.

Tomorrow I'm working in the morning and going to the beach in the afternoon. Join me if you like...

BNG

Remember when Mornings in Paris was Breaking New Grounds?
I kind of miss those days...but not really.

David Kurtz was the first one to introduce me to BNG. He said this was where the cool fleters with senior privileges came (especially when they were skipping classes). We had coffee (he probably had coffee and I probably had tea) and went to meet up with Will and some other people from his class at Granny's Burritos. I was so nervous I just sat and drank water. Back in the good old days when all of us odd flete freshman girls had a crush on Will - especially me.

I remember coming here many times with Kate because I had a crush on one of the baristas. He was funny. The first time I saw him he was dancing around behind the counter and singing to himself....and talking to himself...On his break he air rowed out of the shop and up exchange to get food. It was great.

Kurtz said that when they graduated they passed the coffee shop down. He passed it down to Iszy and me. Well...I'm still here even though it's years and a name change later.

Now I come here for time to myself or to talk with friends (usually about men). I run into people I know frequently, especially in the summer.

Right now I'm here because I don't know what to do about...things. Men things...

Funny how everything seems to turn full circle.

Return to Sender

Last thought of the night (before lying down, turning off the light and thinking about everything again) is that somehow I still miss Luke. He disappears for a long time, doesn't call or text to say "hey lets hang out" and I still wish he were here.

Also, I started to have doubts earlier do to a drunken phone message/call from a friend of Audrey's. Then I realized some things are still way too out of the ordinary. Oblivious, nice people are really frustrating to read. I will call again tomorrow when said friend is sober and can explain properly.

Reflection

Do you ever look into a mirror or water and wonder if that's what other people really see when they look at you?

Sometimes I wonder if that isn't how other perceptions are as well.

One can say something, but someone else might perceive it as something entirely different.

Earthquake

They've been happening since last Wednesday night. How do I explain it? I saw plaid and then there was an earthquake that knocked me off my feet. I didn't realize how much damage had been done until the next day. Oddly enough the damage wasn't bad. It was more like everything changed, but change isn't always bad. The next earthquake happened last night. Now that everything has seemingly calmed down, I'm assessing the change. I feel like my surrounding has shifted almost completely. There are few hints of the way life was before Wednesday, but mostly I just look around and wonder...

What do I wonder?

I wonder how there can be a man who contradicts everything men have meant to me thus far. There is a man who wears plaid, plays guitar and wears glasses. It makes me smile. - He's the opposite of the tough guy facade and it has me wondering what was ever so appealing about men who drink like fish, stand women up constantly, hide their emotions and never apologize for their bad behavior - He leaves with friends for an hour and when he gets back he apologizes for not paying attention to me, because his friends are from Portland, OR and he doesn't get to see them much. Then after the show he sits down with me and talks.

He hugs me in public. He doesn't discount what I say. He doesn't make fun of me for being small, Peruvian, and/or Jewish. He apologizes for his friends off color conversation, even though it didn't bother me (I have brothers after all). He is as in love with Maine as I am. He has a general idea of what he wants to do with his life now (and it probably involves moving back to Maine). He can plan ahead of time. He said he would be interested in learning about hockey, even though sports aren't exactly his thing.

He said he wants to hang out after he finishes his tour in a week.

He's a happy feeling, without the twinges of sadness that I've grown accustomed to.

This man, he's real.

and I'm happy...

Everything looks so different from over here.
Come stand with me.

2 AM

Do you ever get those calls at 2 AM where your best friend is drunk and made some good decisions and some bad decision that night, but can't figure out which is which?
I did.

I decided to go to bed around 2 AM after looking at apartments and thinking about how and when and with whom I could rent one. I was being slightly pessimistic about my financial situation and my man (men?) situation and having a hard time getting to sleep. Then my phone vibrated next to my bed.

It was my friend. She sounded upset and was clearly drunk and walking somewhere outside. I could hardly understand her, but finally by the time she got back to her apartment, I got the story right. Apparently she met this guy at a party and they had a deep discussion for awhile before he asked (asked!) if he could kiss her. She said yes and they made out. Then they talked some more. At some point his friend came over and talked to him and she went to talk to her friend. Her friend was with this guy who offered to help her figure it out on the porch outside. Long story short, he led her to his apartment and she decided not to go in so as not to be tempted by sex. That's when she called me.

We talked about her situation and thoughts on sex and my own. For example, she likes making out with guys as well as talking to them. I just can't hook up with a guy like that. It's not that one is good and one is bad. We're just different people and have different preferences.

If you look at my records I have always had at least 2 guys circling me at any given time...sometimes 3 or 4. This isn't to say I act on anything with all 2, 3 or 4, but they show interest and I figure out which one I'm most interested in (if any).

Well there have only been a couple who have really stood out - 3 to be exact. Funny how they all relate back to high school and how they're all kind of like trump cards (if they're around, they are of more importance than newer guys).
1. Luke, but I've spent so much blog space on him that I think you get the picture if you read this regularly
2. Slightly older, Indie musician who looks a little nerdy. Such a hot combination in my opinion. He's sweet, a little oblivious, wise, mature, likes nature and Maine, likes children and who I feel comfortable with and can talk to.
3. A year older, well off Jewish man who is gorgeous, nice, mature, environmentally aware, good older brother, caring, friendly, easy to talk to, smart.

So they trump everyone else (sorry guys). This isn't to say that there isn't anyone in existence who I might like better. I just haven't met him yet. Then I started wondering if they all came back into my life what the hell would I do?
Answer: No fucking clue.
However, if that were to happen then Luke would have to step up. He'd have to consider some sort of commitment if he was serious about me, because the other 2 would in that situation.

Anyway it's just a theoretical scenario.

I did tell my friend about Wednesday night though and last Friday. I told her that Luke said he would come to my party and she was really excited about that. This is kind of a big deal because she doesn't like him normally.

I also came to the conclusion that I accidentally made a friend's girlfriend feel threatened....well I didn't make it happen. She just read the wall post the wrong way and I probably could have phrased it better if I had thought about it at the time.

It's all so complicated. My friend was complaining about that on the phone. It's true. This isn't disney. There aren't any Prince Charmings. This is life. It's a mess. We just have to figure it out for ourselves and rely on our friends when we feel lost or worn out...just like my friend and me tonight at 2:30 AM on the phone.

Over and Done With

I am so glad my criminology class is finished. Reading the books on Palestine was the worst. It's hard to read a book when you can see that some of it is clearly bullshit and emotions getting mixed up with the truth. No Israel is not in the clear and yes America should not be so involved and biased, but you can't just discredit the holocaust or what Jews have been through because you're victims also. This isn't about comparing battle wounds. It's too ridiculous to even talk about right now.
I'm done with Criminology and I'm done with these papers and I'm especially done with these books. I never want to talk about it again...or at least until I don't feel so personally attacked any more. At least I have the intelligence to separate emotions from reality and to step back and take a breath when that line becomes fuzzy.

I Am Not A Robot

So I've been busy lately and having lots of ups and downs (mostly downs). Seems like the only people who could get me out of my funk have been Iszy and Beans.

I was so happy when Beans came home. It's as exciting as the Christmas mornings when I woke up, ran into the living room and found Disney Barbies in front of the fireplace...not that Beans is a Barbie (hahaha!). The thing is I don't think anyone else knows quite how to handle me when I'm down and I tend to pull away even though I don't want to isolate myself. I guess I feel (especially with the man situation) that I don't want to whine and annoy my friends who have already heard so much about it. Believe me, I know how annoying it can be. I just get sunk even more when I'm by myself with it though I guess. Iszy understands my situation really well though and Beans is...like my hope for mankind (as opposed to womankind).

Anyway, I'm currently on an 'up' swing. Luke said he would come to my party on Saturday (maybe). It's like something switched as soon as he said that and my brain went 'oh? so he really does like me?' Then I might or might not have danced around the room...
I guess we'll see though if he follows through.

On to another subject, freshman year (the part that didn't involve Luke). 8th grade and freshman year were very interesting years for Iszy and me (not to say the rest weren't). She idolized a senior in 8th grade and we convinced him to talk to a drain with us after an assembly once. Yes we were that weird...wait we still are (and I love it!). Then freshman year I was friends with another senior that year and Iszy dated him. His name is David Kurtz, but I call him Kurtz. That's about the time a certain other senior caught my eye. Funnily enough he happened to be neighbors and friends with Kurtz. Needless to say I had a huge crush that year. Iszy and I nicknamed him Audrey because he had beautifully long eye lashes (like I said, we're weird).

Long story short, he's been in and out of my life since my freshman year of highschool. So last night Iszy and I went to see him play with his band in Kennebunk. We met up with Kurtz just as the police shut down the show. I was very disappointed not to hear the band play. So we went to the beach instead. Just like old times; the four of us hung out sharing a couple of beers and my flask of malibu. Then we decided to go back to Audrey's house to hang out (it was cold out). I went with Audrey on the tour bus. It was actually a lot of fun after I stopped feeling awkward. We dropped off a couple of the band members and then it was just me and 5 guys on the way to his house.

By now, I'm sure you all know how much I love being the only girl in a group of guys (or one of the few). The conversation consisted of the size of one of their band members...well members (haha!). So of course I felt right at home because I'm used to my brothers talking about sex constantly. It's a fun topic for me too and most girls feel awkward about it. Anyway he was a cool dude. He drunkenly introduced himself after he saw my Jewish star. What do you know, another Jew!

Fast forward - I finally tried the white wine and surprise, I liked it. Kurtz then proceeded to give me the remaining wine from glasses that Iszy, Steve, and he had not finished. Then I was in a very happy place. I could tell because I started giggling a lot at nothing. That's about the time Audrey and I started talking more in depth. Unfortunately it was very hard to concentrate on what he was saying. I had to try really hard, but I think I managed well.

Iszy and I ended up staying with Kurtz at his house. I got the guest room and she got the pullout sofa bed. I had 4 dreams that night, but I only remember 1. I don't feel like writing it here though.

Anyway we're all going to his show on Monday night and maybe have a repeat of the wine loveliness. Who knows. It'll be nice to have those guys around again, because they're cool dudes and they have more figured out about life in general than my male friends who are my age. This isn't to say they're experts, or I'm an expert, or anyone isn't an expert.

I'll just end with this: Last night was fucking beautiful and I'm really excited for Saturday night and Sunday and Monday! I really want to dance...but for now I have to finish my paper.

Typical

So today I was gonna be on my own and I knew that. Of course along comes the boy to completely ruin my okayness with the day by saying oh by the way I'm going to Canada...again. I was pissed. Luckily I was with Iszy and she knew just how to deal with it. I really wanted to scream "you're such a fucking bastard" at him, but I refrained. Oh yes, it's been a year of bliss and despair. How I love the bliss. Not so much the despair. So if he makes no effort to see me next week...I'm gonna be pissed and he's going to know (!) I'm pissed.
So have a really nice weekend getting drunk in Canada (I really mean it), but don't disappoint me next week.

I'm trying really hard not to repeat last summer, but it just seems like it's happening...not to the same degree of course. I could smoke a pack in 2 days. Currently I only have 1 or 2 and only occasionally when I'm with Iszy. No other time and I won't be buying another pack. This is just one I've had for the past 6 months and haven't used until now. Okay yes when Luke pisses me off, I'd like nothing better than to smoke a couple in his face, but I'm not that horrible a person. I can't do something like that to someone I care about as much as I care about him. That's the end of that and I don't want to talk about it with anyone. He's the only one who has the right to bring it up and/or flush them down the toilet.

My day turned around when Iszy parallel parked off congress. She ended up with half the car on the curb and I laughed really hard. That's when things started getting better. Then we realized that Material Objects was closed and we had to pee really bad. Anyhoo we ended up going to the mall and looking for sweaters (it was cold today). I met up with Hallie and we shopped some before going to Bullmoose and Videoport. We watched The Orphan and Everybody's Fine.

The Orphan was not scary...just kind of creepy. I mean if there is a 33 year old woman who looks like a girl because of some medical issue who has mental problems also....it's going to be creepy. Some of the cinematography was good. I thought the scene in the icy pond at the end was shot well. The movie was pretty predictable (aside from the being 33 years old and being adopted so she can seduce the father of the family part).

Everybody's Fine was quite surprising. I was expecting something funny. Not even close. It's about the relationship between a father and his grown children. The mother died and she was always the one who knew about their lives. She only told him the good news. One year they all back out on visiting him, so he decides to visit them. So he goes on this journey and it's really depressing, but somehow the family becomes closer. The pace of the movie was kind of slow, but I liked most of the cinematography. They really captured the emptiness of his home and life without the children. The nature scenes were really nice too. I guess I'd recommend it if you're looking for a drama, but it's not on my top list or anything.

1 Year

So today is the 1 year mark. I decided to start talking to Luke 1 year ago. I only know this because sometimes I browse past conversations with people. They're automatically saved to my computer and it's kind of like reading an old diary.

Normally I'm not one to notice dates like that, but honestly this is kind of a big deal for me. Until now Luke and I have only lasted 1 week before an ex decided he wanted me back or I got fed up with Luke's player ways. So it's been a year and I haven't killed him yet. This is great. Sure recently has been a little rough. Tonight I finally demanded an answer because he hasn't returned any of my calls. He said it was because reception wasn't great out there. So now I feel like an ass, but if he really wanted to he could have just sent me a text or something by facebook, so I don't feel that bad.

So while I would like to smack him on the back of the head for not being around today (thursday)/not responding to my calls and texts recently, I won't focus on that today.

Lets concentrate on the positive. He's the best man in the world - funny, smart, attractive, argumentative, sweet (sometimes), nerdy, loyal to family and friends, strong, independent, comfortable, weird...okay I'll stop now. I like this guy...a lot.
Have I mentioned that before?

Nerd

So tonight I watched Legion with my dad. It was okay. The best part was the last 15 minutes or so. Paul Bettany was great though. I was surprised to see Lucas Black (white boy from Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift) in it. He also did pretty well.

Now I'm beginning Battlestar Galactica. Never seen it before, but a certain someone said I should, so I am.

He's such a nerd...and I kind of like that a lot.

Sleepy Thoughts

It's time for bed. I have to wake up in 4 hours.

Just wanted to comment on the fact that in 3 days it will have been a year. That's crazy. I'm proud of myself.

Also it's funny how 1 text can keep me holding on. Tonight it gave me a reason to keep fighting.

I've been thinking, after watching Angel and Spike in the 5th season of Angel, that even in reality spunky girls like the tough guys. This is not to say bad boys per se, but the men who have passion and morals and brains and bravery.