Sick Boy

If you don't know what song the title is a reference to, then you probably won't understand what comes after.
I want a sick boy.
I had a sick boy.

Sick boys are not "bad boys" per se. Sick boys are good guys in the punk style.

I wish I had known then, what I know now, because things might have turned out differently. They might not have, but at least I would be satisfied we had both done everything we could.

I don't think I really got over him
I don't think I wanted to.

Punk.
I miss it.

The Ins and Outs of Exs

Who says you can't be friends with your ex's?
I know I wrote a post contemplating it once.
Currently I'm friends with 3 of mine. I text with one of them frequently. I text and occasionally talk on facebook with another one. The third is a little more complicated, but it's going to get figured out.
Right now I know I want to be friends with the Photographer.
I had a talk with the Psychology Grad last night (face to face). I suggested taking it back and going slowly. I don't know if it will work. He doesn't know if it will work. He wants to try....
But I'm not sure if I want to...Surprise!
He lost quite a bit of my trust and respect in the way that he did it.

I'm going to do the Miranda thing and write down the pros and cons...when I get time.
Right now I'm off to work.
Workin' it out, one problem at a time.

But for the first time since Saturday morning, I really feel like smiling and being happy.
Shit happens.
In the end we have to make ourselves happy.
We're human. We hurt each other even though we don't always mean to.
It takes a small person to hold a grudge.
It takes a big person to forgive.
So I'm going to be as happy on my way to work as I was 2 or 3 weeks ago
...and I don't need a boyfriend to feel it!

End Chapter: Psychology Grad

Everyone who touches our lives teaches us something.
Sometimes we wish they didn't.
But they do.
I'm not sure what I've learned from the Psych Grad yet.

I feel like every time I've tried so hard not to make past mistakes, something always goes wrong.
and...
When I do the things my friends and I think are definitely mistakes, they tend to work out well.

Last night I was happy.
These past 2 days I've only been happy while asleep, part of the time I walked around the boulevard, and while dancing, but for 4 and a half hours last night I was happy and I felt like I was where I was supposed to be.

Maybe I need to be less careful and make more mistakes. Then I'll end up figuring out what the right path for me.

On the bright side, this has in no way affected my decision to go to MECA and study photography.
After Luke I didn't want to do anything.
After the Photographer, I ran into the woods and cried for awhile. Then I was dealing with Nana dying on top of that and school went down the hole. I hated it.
So I took a break.
I was afraid my decision to go to MECA was based on him. I didn't really think it was, but I wasn't sure. Now I know for sure it's not. It's my path.
Right now, I would like to go back to sleep, but I can handle my responsibilities (work, dog etc) and make it through the day.

My moods range from sadness to depression to a tiny bit of anger to okay ("things might be okay. I'm alive) to very rarely happy.
What makes me happy these days? Small things I see around me (the curves of branches, the a young couple ("I really will get to be that happy someday on a more permanent level"), a bird, someone walking their dog etc), Friends (thus far: Kat, Kate, Carol, Beans, Jared, Rick, Mylene have all been there to some degree for me), exercise (taking walks, running, dancing).
That's about it.

I just have to hold it together until 6:30. One minutes at a time.
Then he comes over and tries to make up for the text, but can't really and I cry for the rest of the night, maybe watch some SG-1 and eat ice cream before I fall asleep.

And so ends that chapter.

"Not Again"

When the Photographer decided it wasn't going to work, I erased all evidence of him from my blog, facebook posts(except I didn't delete him) etc. I saved a paper copy of all the blogs I wrote about him and I have been in the process of transferring them to my diary. I kind of regret deleting them, because you can't really delete the impact someone has on your life.
So I'm not going to delete the Psychology Graduate. He's just another short chapter with a lot of filling I guess. Below is the post I was writing right after he left my house yesterday up until he sent me a text an hour later saying "I don't want to hurt you, but I don't think this is gonna work."
~~~~~~
For a good three years, I wanted what I didn't have.
I wanted a man who I could love completely.
I wanted a man who loved me, who liked holding me, who didn't drink too much, who wanted to spend time with me, who wanted to introduce me to his friends and meet mine, who wouldn't care if I looked like shit in the morning, but preferably would still think I was beautiful, who wouldn't be put off by my tendency to be terrified by so much affection and who would be patient, who would love my dog, who would want to meet my family, who would be there for me in crisis...

I wanted to be that happy couple walking down the street laughing at some inside joke and holding hands.
I thought that would make me infinitely happy.

I wanted this and I wanted that. How many time's did I make wishes on 11:11. I wish for this and I wished for that. I tried so hard to make it happen, even though I knew I couldn't make anyone do or feel what I wanted.

I almost gave up.
There were moments when I gave in to the bitterness.
I made one last attempt to get what I wanted and what I deserved.
I got lucky.

I'm not really sure if I believe in fate or luck, but I feel exceptionally blessed.
Things happen when you least expect them to I suppose.
There's something like a spark when you first meet.

A relationship is not so easy all the time though.
I learned that from my parents first.
Maintaining a relationship requires work.
~~~~~~
How ironic is this?
Yet again a man waits until it's too late instead of trying to work on the relationship.

Did we jump in too fast?
For sure, but it could have worked if he had wanted to put time into it. He didn't want to.
So it's over.

My first thought after I got that text was not again.
There's no painless way to end any sort of relationship, but you can be courteous. Face to face is respectful. A text or a phone call is not. Saying something when you first notice something is off is courteous. Waiting until it's too late and blind siding the other person is rude and extremely hurtful.

I'm really sad, because I thought this would work. I really was blind sided. He didn't show a thing really. I learned from the Photographer though. I fought to try and fix what was wrong. He doesn't want to though, so that's it. All that's left to resolve is how it happened and how I missed it.

I never fully resolved anything with the Photographer and it's been bothering me ever since. I never had the face to face; I never fought to resolve it. I forgot about him though until he sent me something thoughtful in a facebook message a couple of weeks ago. Then he seemed to pop up in my mind again. I considered trying to be friends, and was still considering saying something until the moment the Psychology Grad broke up with me.

Last night I decided I need to get out and dance. I did and for an hour I felt so happy. In that hour I also sent the Photographer a text. Mistake? I don't know yet. I know that to move forward I need closure and I would really like to be friends with him.

We'll see.
I'll get it straightened out some day.
The good thing about yesterday is that I made a new a friend.

Time to eat carbs, ice cream and watch chick flicks.

Understanding In Time

It's so strange to read something you wrote 6 months ago and realize how much has changed in that small amount of time.
It would appear that I'm finally learning to trust people enough to show my full spectrum of emotions starting with my boyfriend.
I looked at a calendar and while I've never been one to think much of a one month anniversary, I'm slightly amazed. I feel like it's gone by really fast, but at the same time I feel like I've known my boyfriend for much longer than I have. In terms of trust, I'm certainly moving at a much faster pace.
To think only two months ago I was mostly devoid of emotions and in a constant state of numbness. Then my boyfriend came along and my walls started tumbling down.
The only trouble is that I'm left with the feelings that I didn't address after nana died as well as all the good feelings. I have trouble watching people die in movies and tv shows these days. Tonight a doctor who had been on Stargate SG-1 for 7.5 season died. It upset me.
Everyone thinks I'm sad. I don't feel much sadness; not because I don't miss her, but because I think she's happier where she is now than where she was between June and her death. Mostly I'm angry at everyone who has never had to watch someone they loved deteriorate over 6 months and everyone who hasn't actually been in the room with someone as they took their last breath and everyone who hasn't had to juggle a job while taking care of dying family memory.
Being in the room that day. It changed me. It set me apart from most of my friends. I have that image forever burned into my mind and I don't see it daily anymore, but a couple times a week and no one ever knows.
No matter how difficult it is sometimes I'm glad I can feel again.
I'm also glad I got to spend St. Patty's Day night with Kat and Kate. It was like old times. There's nothing like good friends who know how to listen and don't judge you. Kat is the best at that, which is probably why she's one of the few people who gets through to me.
Now I suppose it bed time.
A year ago I dreamed about going out to the cabin with a guy I cared about for a relaxing weekend or Saturday night. Now it's really going to happen. Can't wait.

Worthless

"She's lucky to be with him."
I've had this sentence that someone said Saturday night running through my mind.
I think it hurts this much because it reminds me of something the guy I was dating back in the fall (I'll call him B) said on October 30th after the Halloween Party. He said "I wanted to invite you (to a different Halloween party), but my ex was there and we're kind of trying to be friends. It's a little awkward hanging out especially if she brings a guy or I bring a girl."
It hurt. A lot.
So much so that I remember almost exactly the words he said and place that it happened. It was like I wasn't important. I was just some girl. Two months after meeting, I was just some girl. I remember thinking (after the whole thing ended about a week or 2 later), "when did I go from being the girl he had so many things in common with and felt a connection with to just some girl?"
In this situation, who he is isn't important. It's the words and the fact that I was just some girl who could be let go of so easily like something worthless.
So Saturday night the words branded themselves into me just like the words in October.
I'm not worthless and I'm not lower than anybody, but the implication still hurts, and the thing that scares me the most is that my boyfriend could have the same reaction B did if I get scared and start to pull away like I did with B. Right now I'm this great girl in his eyes, but what if I go from that to "just some girl not worth shit?"
Risk of heart break is far greater now than it was with B. Is it worth the risk and potential hurt?
I believe it is.
That's why I'm here.

Bagel Epiphanies

I began today with a poppy seed bagel covered with chive cream cheese. It was delicious. Mid bite my eyes shifted to the mess of photography books and magazines spread over my book. I felt a jolt of excitement.

It would appear that taking the semester off has been very good for me. I lost interest in college a long time ago. I used to like learning. My first college burned me out. I guess I needed some time to figure out what I really wanted to study; what I'm actually passionate about.

Turns out it's not psychology, but photography. I wish I could have seen it from the beginning, but then I remember that I would have gone down a completely different path and probably never have met the people I know now. So it's been hard, but I'm seeing the light.

I'm excited for art classes.

I'm excited for the future.

My Girlfriend's Boyfriend

I love netflix. You can find all sorts of interesting movies and tv shows on it.

Tonight I found the movie, My Girlfriend's Boyfriend. Is it a chick flick? Yes, but it's not the generic kind. It has a couple of twists. I was certainly surprised and a little confused toward the end, which never happens to me, because I'm a chick flick expert.

Ethan meets Jesse (Alyssa Milano) in a cafe, which is pretty stereotypical, and by the end of their conversation he awkwardly asks for her number. He's the tall, awkward, seemingly nice guy. She's the innocent, peppy, free spirited woman. Their relationship moves pretty fast. He takes her to visit his brother's family. His brother of course has 3 children: a toddler and 2 young kids. They love their uncle and she gets to see him playing with them. She has the "he's good with kids and I really like this man" moment. Then later in the movie he asks her to marry him and she freaks out. She won't tell him why. She disappears.

Meanwhile he's been writing a manuscript with her as his inspiration. He's been a writer for years, but never published, because he's always written the male character after himself, a nice guy. He almost gives up, but she tells him she believes in him. He continues and during their estrangement, he submits his manuscript and has it approved.

That's really only half the story, because I don't want to give away the rest, but it gives enough background for me to continue on the topics of new relationships and "nice" guys.
There's a saying, "nice guys finish last." I'm not so sure that's true. I've had more than my fair share of "bad boys." To them I say, Never Again. I had a boyfriend once who thought that was true. He pouted over the fact that he was a nice guy. He victimized himself. That's probably one of the most unattractive things a man could do.

Actually that's one of the most unattractive things anyone could do.

Anyway, the "bad boy" that sticks out in my mind treated me like I was the least important thing in his life. I wasn't even in it most of the time. Then I would finally decide I'd had enough crying and pain. Then he would reappear and I'd suddenly be back in his arms again. It happened over and over for a year and a half. It was hell.

Then I met a good man who treated me well and who I liked very much, but I couldn't see through my bad boy's manipulations enough to give this good man a fighting chance. 9 months later I met another man. He was an artist with a punk rock side. Bad boy? Kind of, but in touch with his emotions. He treated me pretty well until the night he called and suddenly said, "yeah I don't see this going anywhere, so...yeah."

Talk about a harsh reality check.
Was that a douche move on his part? Yes.
Was it completely his fault that it didn't work out? No.
If I could go back and fix what went wrong would I? No.
Until I met him, I had been constantly miserable. With him, I was happier. He showed me what it was like to be with someone who could appreciate me and who wanted to be with me. This freaked me out. I pulled away. Whatever connection was felt in the beginning was lost.

What's the point? Bad boys and even kind of bad boys with sensitive sides don't last. They're a temporary high. They're addictive. They will never be able to give you what you want until they fully mature. I waited a year and a half. It was torture. It could take 10 years for them to grow up, or it may never happen. Don't waste your time on something that may or may not happen in the distant future.
The nice guys finish first. Nice doesn't mean pathetic. A nice man can be mature/responsible (or immature as the moment may call for), funny, sweet, caring, sexy, smart, family oriented, good in bed and the farthest thing from pathetic you will ever meet.

As for myself, I can only hope I've learned my lessons. There's always more to learn, but as long as I don't repeat my mistakes I should be heading in the right direction. Sometimes when I think about how good I have it now, I get scared and want to bolt before he can leave me. After being treated like shit for so long, you become acclimated to it. Then being treated like the most amazing woman in the world seems foreign and intimidating. It's one thing to think you're amazing. It's another for other people to tell you that you are.

This time is different though. He's different. I'm different. I've never been this comfortable with a man or even person this quickly. I have no intentions of running anywhere except straight toward him and toward everything else I want in life.

Now go watch My Girlfriend's Boyfriend!

"Wanna know a secret? No one is ever ready. That's why they call it a leap, and if you wait until you're ready, you're going to wait forever."