"Not Again"

When the Photographer decided it wasn't going to work, I erased all evidence of him from my blog, facebook posts(except I didn't delete him) etc. I saved a paper copy of all the blogs I wrote about him and I have been in the process of transferring them to my diary. I kind of regret deleting them, because you can't really delete the impact someone has on your life.
So I'm not going to delete the Psychology Graduate. He's just another short chapter with a lot of filling I guess. Below is the post I was writing right after he left my house yesterday up until he sent me a text an hour later saying "I don't want to hurt you, but I don't think this is gonna work."
~~~~~~
For a good three years, I wanted what I didn't have.
I wanted a man who I could love completely.
I wanted a man who loved me, who liked holding me, who didn't drink too much, who wanted to spend time with me, who wanted to introduce me to his friends and meet mine, who wouldn't care if I looked like shit in the morning, but preferably would still think I was beautiful, who wouldn't be put off by my tendency to be terrified by so much affection and who would be patient, who would love my dog, who would want to meet my family, who would be there for me in crisis...

I wanted to be that happy couple walking down the street laughing at some inside joke and holding hands.
I thought that would make me infinitely happy.

I wanted this and I wanted that. How many time's did I make wishes on 11:11. I wish for this and I wished for that. I tried so hard to make it happen, even though I knew I couldn't make anyone do or feel what I wanted.

I almost gave up.
There were moments when I gave in to the bitterness.
I made one last attempt to get what I wanted and what I deserved.
I got lucky.

I'm not really sure if I believe in fate or luck, but I feel exceptionally blessed.
Things happen when you least expect them to I suppose.
There's something like a spark when you first meet.

A relationship is not so easy all the time though.
I learned that from my parents first.
Maintaining a relationship requires work.
~~~~~~
How ironic is this?
Yet again a man waits until it's too late instead of trying to work on the relationship.

Did we jump in too fast?
For sure, but it could have worked if he had wanted to put time into it. He didn't want to.
So it's over.

My first thought after I got that text was not again.
There's no painless way to end any sort of relationship, but you can be courteous. Face to face is respectful. A text or a phone call is not. Saying something when you first notice something is off is courteous. Waiting until it's too late and blind siding the other person is rude and extremely hurtful.

I'm really sad, because I thought this would work. I really was blind sided. He didn't show a thing really. I learned from the Photographer though. I fought to try and fix what was wrong. He doesn't want to though, so that's it. All that's left to resolve is how it happened and how I missed it.

I never fully resolved anything with the Photographer and it's been bothering me ever since. I never had the face to face; I never fought to resolve it. I forgot about him though until he sent me something thoughtful in a facebook message a couple of weeks ago. Then he seemed to pop up in my mind again. I considered trying to be friends, and was still considering saying something until the moment the Psychology Grad broke up with me.

Last night I decided I need to get out and dance. I did and for an hour I felt so happy. In that hour I also sent the Photographer a text. Mistake? I don't know yet. I know that to move forward I need closure and I would really like to be friends with him.

We'll see.
I'll get it straightened out some day.
The good thing about yesterday is that I made a new a friend.

Time to eat carbs, ice cream and watch chick flicks.